(and I was starting to make some forward progress too!)Why does being assertive hurt so much? I guess I actually know the answer to my own question, but the logical answer isn't touching my emotional reaction (as usual
) The logical answer, is that I only know to associate being assertive or saying no with the very real memories of harsh punishment. (a bit like pavlov's dogs, they heard the bell ring, they started drooling) But I'm stuck in trying to shut that reaction off now.The thread I made earlier about a relative who was being very badgering and insistent on me reconnecting with my abusive father, has contacted me again in the name of helping me. He made a comment about me 'not trying to heal' and I blew an internal gasket. I won't lie, I felt livid. To make a long boring story short, I pulled from every 'interpersonal effectiveness skill' I've learned yet and my exact statement to him was 'I need you to understand that I am seeing a professional who just last week told me I 'work my ass off' in therapy. I cannot stress enough how much I will not have this discussion with you anymore. And if it was my wish to spend time with my father, I would be doing so. I need you to trust and respect my reasons for not being around him.'
And internally, I then had a brief, microsecond moment of celebration. And then I was met with a rather sad response of 'I was just trying to be helpful and I'm sorry you view me as a hindrance instead of a help' and I immediately slid into old familiar territory. My dad was highly proficient at throwing shame storms at me every time I resisted his abuse, and I'm so sensitive to that. So what do I do? In classic 5 year old me mode, I apologized for 'lashing out' and now I'm getting a silent treatment. Which is just sending me reeling into all the same feelings I know too well of 'WHY did I apologize??!!!' mixed with simultaneous 'I'm such a monster to have lashed out like that!!'
Ugh
T said it makes so much sense why I struggle with the simplest no, because that's the sort of message I received with it all my life. My family has a distinct pattern of provoking you until you make the smallest hint of disagreeing or trying to protect yourself, and then they cry about how 'cruel' you were to them. It's a behavior that I know all too well and it gives me chills when I run into it from anyone now. It's infuriating and exhausting. I'm just going to stay as far away from it as possible.