Gosh Jillann, I feel like you are in such a tough spot right now. I can understand how destabilizing this whole thing is and how uncertain you feel about what will happen next.

You are right, you are really triggered and thrown by this. It is so hard to be in the middle with all these important decisions and outcomes being up in the air. You are smart to reach out for help to sort yourself out and to figure out how to feel more calm.

I noticed that you said that T promised that you would be able to come back to therapy with her. You did not do anything wrong with the insurance situation and you were trying to do the healthy thing and get some help with this program. It's understandable that you would feel a real urgency to be sure that T is going to be OK with you and stick with you.

I sense that even though things are up in the air, she is still thinking about what she can work out for you, with you. It is bound to feel like you are in limbo now and waiting for assurance is incredibly hard. It sounds like she wants to meet with you as soon as she can work something out because she knows that you need support.

I'm no good at all with advice for getting calm. This is a purely personal trick I sometimes use with myself, not anything I learned from a therapist, so I can't vouch for its soundness. Sometimes when there is a big thing in my mind and in my gut and it is eating away at me, I find something productive that doesn't seem too challenging to do and I do that. Before I do, I tell myself that I have plenty of time to worry about XYZ situation/issue. I tell myself that I will do this now, and then at say 6pm, in a few hours, I will allow myself a whole hour to just think about what I am worried about or feel bad about. Sorry if that makes no sense. I guess it is like compartmentalizing in a way. But you give yourself permission to really devote your thougthts and energy to it later, and somehow that makes me feel better long enough that later I am less activated. If you are not less activated later, you can take that hour or half hour and feed into it all you want, and then do it over again. Move on to something else and bookmark a time later when you can go back to it.

Or you could contact T and see what you can find out if it's not too risky and you might get relief. Is that risky on a weekend? Is she someone who will usually respond right away? It would be hard to contact her and not get a response.

I hope someone else has some thoughts on how to cope with this.

Thinking of you.

Quell

Thank you so much for responding Quell. I know I am working myself up. I just can't stop myself right now.

That is a good idea to compartmentalize. I'm going to try to get to sleep tonight. I keep waking up early in the morning and worrying for the last few hours of night. I will let myself worry more about it tomorrow morning if I need to.

If I texted T she would text me back as soon as she could. She has always been really good about that. I just am so afraid of what the answer to my question might be. My feelings are based on her tone of voice and sense that she didn't want to jump back to scheduling sessions with me. I so hope I am making this up but it is such a strong feeling....

Yeah, try to sleep if you can. Also, remember that what you think and feel does not control how things are. Like your worry does not determine how the situation is, so worrying more and talking yourself into reading it how you read it doesn't influence any outcome other than how you are feeling now. Not sure that makes sense, either.

You will be OK. This feeling is temporary.

Your T probably seems distant because:

a) she is incredibly upset about insurance denying further hospitalization and

b) she is wracking her brain for how to best keep you alive

I can promise you she is scared and upset, probably wondering if this decision can be appealed with insurance, wondering if there is a low cost program etc. It has nothing to do with her not liking you.

Oh, Jillann, I really think you were hearing the urgency and worry in her voice about how to help keep you in the php. She probably also wanted to touch base with the hospital T and have all the necessary info prior to finalizing anything with you.
I like Quell's compartmentalization idea - a lot.
I hope it all works out for you, Jillann.

((Jillann)) sending good thoughts your way. I agree with what the others have posted. I truly think your T cares for you and wants you to be safe, healthy, and happy. She is probably horrified that your insurance is kicking you out of the program, and she probably is trying to keep her composure with you while simultaneously trying to figure out what she can do to ensure you get the help you need and deserve. Jillann, take good care of yourself. This stress with the crappy insurance company does not take away the fact that you deserve care. It does not take away the fact that you were making some progress in the program. Take good care of yourself. This is a setback, but it does not have to impede or halt your progress forever. One day at a time...just think about today and getting through today as healthfully as you can.

Thanks everyone for responding. I woke up about three this morning and allowed myself to worry for just a half hour. What is going to happen is going to happen. I can't change it or control it by worrying. I'm trying.

I also actually ate breakfast this morning. That is a big accomplishment for me. I'm trying to be determined today to just try to have a successful day for me. Just focus on today and let tomorrow happen tomorrow.

Thanks so much for all the support.

Jillann

((jill)) i don't think i'll be much help, but wanted to know i hear you i'm glad for your breakfast this morning.

Just to say that I'm thinking of you.

SB