(((((((Jane))))))

quote:

just when I think he's out of my life for good, he still manages to leave. Even abandon my whole family just to leave ME

Jane has your dad done this since you got back home?

Or are you just hurting because of his current actions while you was there plus in the past.

I know you are hurting but talk to us if you can.

Jane, do not apologize for anything. You are hurting and this is the place to come when that happens.

I am so glad you called your T. I think it was wise and taking care of yourself to do that.

I'm sorry for what your Dad did to you and the family and that it's hurting you so much. He was wrong to do that. Don't you see it's him. The problem is NOT with you. You are the braver, stronger one and he cannot handle that. You have worked so hard and come so far... please don't allow him to make you feel so bad about things. Don't let him win.

I know you feel awful but these are feelings and they cannot do anything to you. Let them come and then roll off of you and away. You are strong enough to handle this. I know you are. You need to believe it too.

We are here if you need us.

Hugs
TN

((((Jane))))

You have nothing to be sorry about. It is awful what your father did, and I'm so sorry for it. Please do what you need to do to keep safe, and please let us know if you get to talk to your T. I'm sure she won't be mad at all, just very glad you called. I'm so sorry you're in this much pain. Please keep posting. We are here for you.

(((((JD))))),

You don't have to be sorry for being in so much pain. It is understandable! I can understand how you feel, my dad hated me too. It hurt badly when I was young.
Can I suggest for you to go watch some of you utube videos to try to get your mind off of it for just a while until your T calls. Or stay here and talk to us.

JD,

I'm glad that you reached out and called your T. That is great self-care. I'm sorry this is all hitting you so hard and I'm so sorry for all of the pain that you are in. You have nothing to be sorry about. You are reaching out for help and comfort and that is a great thing to do. Please keep posting, we are here for you.

((((((janedoe)))))

I am so sorry for your hurt and really glad you asked for help. I hope the pain might ease a little,

starfiish

I am so sorry, janedoe. I understand that you`re just fed up with this pain, - hopefully you`ll, with time, get to a point where the deep sadness will transeform into more angry (and healthy) feelings. You have every right to be angry as well, you know? Hang in there hun, it will get better. Did your T called you back? Keep posting, we`re here to listen and support.
((((Jenedoe))))

Marsh, True North, kashley, STRM, starfish - i read your messages last night and fell asleep in tears. it was the worst night and time in a long time. your messages and encouragement and thoughts and responses helped A LOT. thank you so much.

(btw, Marsh - the suggestion to go find youtube videos was a good one - it was about all my fried brain could do, and it didn't cheer me up, but it did distract me and help me withstand the pain longer... one video at a time...)

my T called me back today. i knew she was checking her voicemail only every other day or so while on vacation (she comes back tomorrow and i've had an appointment already scheduled with her for tomorrow). she wasn't mad at all. (whew.) she said she was so glad i called and the more i talked and told her what hurt the more she kept encouraging me to talk - and ironically the more i would begin to shut down, but she picked up on that and said that was totally ok too. it would take time to talk about what happened...

she helped me come up with a plan to get through today - and told me getting space and not talking to any extended family for awhile was a really good idea.

i cried a lot - still am - but doing better. hoping i can look like i haven't been crying when i get up for work tomorrow.

i am scared, and i don't quite understand why. i'm tired - and surprised how this pain hit me so hard so suddenly yesterday.

i have fought so hard to heal, and my T says i am still making progress forward and that this pain and all that happened with family recently is a part of that.

tomorrow i go back to work, my part time job. i have some errands and calls to make about that today that are aking me panic, but my T helped me figure out some stuff that should help me get through it a little better, and i have a pretty good feeling (hope?) that being at work tomorrow will help me a lot.

i am shocked by how much i am hurting right now - but my T said that the more i say about my family, the more it makese complete sense to her and is a "very normal reaction to really painful stuff."

i am aching so much for relief and yet at the same time, i know that facing the pain is the way through it - if only because of generations of hiding and escaping pain through alcoholism and abuse is how this al ended up.

the one thing that i said that surprised me and my T a bit was saying that i wanted to go back being the black sheep of my family - all the validation from my brother is too much to take. but then my t pasued and said it made sense because if it was all my fault, then it was more "just" and more understandable and less out of control what my father did, the pain my family is in, and the stupid enablement and denial of my extended family.

it just hurts a lot right now. i'm still taking things just an hour at a time, more than that, and i just start to freak out totally and despair into really dark places. i guess an hour is better than every 15 minutes - but i know i can handle the next hour. i'm scared about trying to do anything after that, but trying to just keep taking it just this one hour at a time.

sorry this is rambly and not well written. i think i just need to write - i dunno.

thank you so much everyone. it helps so much right now to know and be reminded that i am not alone.