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8 replies

please read...need advice about therapist

S singyourheartoutMember
i really need advice about this T I was seeing.

So...I am a cancer survivor and I have known this T since I was diagnosed. He knows all about me, my life story and just knows all of my history. I really love him, he has been great to me and we have been doing sessions since I have been in remission and turned 19. anyways...we started having intense sessions before i went away to college and we would text all the time about things because it was more like, we were friends since he knew me for so long and then once college hit we started having phone sessions and we kept texting whenever.

Now before i go on, I just want to say that I was basically getting therapy for free from him because he was a part of this After Cancer treatment program at the center i was treated at and it was "free"....but i guess it started being like a friend giving me free therapy.

ok, so we started having phone sessions and things were pretty much on the right track and then one time he forgot. I kind of let it just brush past me and emailed him asking if he was alright. he answered me later saying sorry he forgot. and then we rescheduled. he then forgot again. Now i was kind of getting annoyed because I wasn't used to not talking to him. We then rescheduled a 3rd time and he didn't call me until 45 minutes after the scheduled time and I didn't answer because i ended up going out with friends to the movies because i assumed the session wasn't happening. Then I emailed him and was like "what is up" AND that i was upset we haven't spoken and he said sorry and rpomised he would call the next day. So that day I waited at that time and he finally called me, and i answered. We started catching up and I just didn't know if i should have brought up the whole thing with him forgetting our sessions. He had been telling me that I get very paranoid with relationships and always think people don't care about me, and I was really trying to comprehend and IT WAS ME making this a bigger deal then it was. I felt a little confused if i should be angry with him or just let it go. As we were talking it was a little akward and finaly he said, that i was being weird and what was wrong? I didn't want to seem paranoid and insecure as usual so i told him nothing was wrong. He then said that he wasn't going to waste his time and that he wasn't going to play games. He said it in a really harsh manner, basically very angrily, and it really upset me. I just broke down right there on the phone, i was crying and i said that i wasnt playing games, he then in the same angry voice said how it seemed like it, et.c etc. and finally I just cut him off and told him I didn't want to talk anymore. He said FINE and hung up.

that was the last time we ever spoke. I then emailed him basically explainging exactly how i felt and how much he hurt me that night and he didn't even apologize , he just said that he was sorry i feel that way and that phone sessions aren't his thing. and that we can no longer, text, email or call each other...only on scheduled appts. he then told me he would call me two weeks later for our next appt. surprise surprise, he never called me that night.

I have yet to ever speak to him again and now I am home and finally got the guts to email him saying i would like an appt. All that happened and went down while i was at school is still haunting me and its been a couple of months.

does anyone have any advice on this situation?
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itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Whew!.....SYHO, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's awful to find out the hard way that T's can be really imperfect and betray you in hurtful ways. gee. makes me mad. It must have been really hard for you at school trying to do your schoolwork with this situation going on in your private life.

I agree with HB that your emotions will want to rule. It might be hard to know exactly what is best long term with all of this so fresh and being in the middle of the situation.

I might wonder if you should do everything in your power to find another T asap and get out of that relationship. This guy's behavior is damaging and hurtful and not up to professional standards.

I have had 2 T's break boundaries and it caused me intense confusion and grief. I was unable to find anyone else to see (for money reasons and because I felt powerless in knowing how to go about finding someone to see.) I was attached to these T's who, I guess, had not done enough of their own recovery work and I was not strong enough to just leave the relationship either time. The betrayals were like replays of earlier life situations I'd been in and were re-traumatizing.

This is the kind of occurrence they call "iatrogenic" meaning when a professional is meant to help, but instead causes harm. Any helping profession can be guilty of iatrogenics but mental health professionals tend to cause the most pain, in my opinion.

This happening is not your fault, he is in the power position in your relationship. If he was having a problem with not being paid, then it was his responsibility to let you know that and set an appropriate fee....and this looks like a rather passive/aggressive way for him to deal with it. If he felt that he wanted you to find someone else to work with, then again, he needed to approach that with you. Sometimes, I think they forget just how much damage they can do when they make mistakes in therapeutic relationships.

Take good care of you and let us know how you're doing,

Karie
songbirdsongbirdMember
hello singyourheartout,

I haven't 'met' you before as I've been away from the forum for a while. Just wanted to say that I love your name! Singing is such an amazing thing to do Smiler

Also, I agree with HB and Karie, it's not your fault! And it might be a good idea, if you can, to find somebody to help you hearing that 'voice of wisdom'. But whatever you decide, even if you're not sure if it's the right thing or not, you can find ways of dealing with whatever happens after! The forum is a great start Smiler

All the best
SB
zzMember
That sounds like a rough situation Frowner I think, if you can, it would be worthwhile to find another therapist you can talk to, to help you sort out your feelings and help you decide if you want to continue to be in contact with with this T.

Personally, this situation makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so out of the usual boundaries of therapy, and those boundaries are there for good reasons.

I wish you the best while you work to resolve this situation, in whatever way you end up doing so.
riverriverMember
It sounds like your T got "caught" in the sense that either a supervisor or his conscience or whatever told him that he wasn't holding the boundaries properly in your relationship and like a lot of T's did some knee-jerk reaction to fix things without considering how this might affect you. I'm very sorry you are hurting. It isn't your fault and I think you have every right to feel afraid since your attachment figure is pulling away and forgetting to call you. I would totally freak out and melt into a pile of sniveling blubber if my T forgot me more than once and hung up on me! That is just plain rudeness. If he won't tell you why his behavior changed so radically then he shouldn't really expect you to explain why your behavior has changed. He isn't playing fair and that really sucks. Ask him about his sudden change if you can and see if you can repair the relationship, but you may also need to start thinking about finding a new T if this isn't possible. Again, I am so sorry that you are having to suffer through this. Even the slightest whiff of any perceived rejection from my T sends me into a tailspin so I can only image how awful you must be feeling.
M mlcMember
Hi SYHO,

I feel you need to find another therapist, too...one that will help you work through what is going on with your current T...your current T, to me, sounds a little dangerous/damaging--the fact that they 'forget' to call you, don't take ownership, etc....I wish I had more words of wisdom for you...I hope you continue to post here and I hope you make the best decisions for you...mlc
holzholzMember
HI SYHO

Welcome!

Sorry to hear about your issues with your T. Sounds to me like he possibly realized that he was stepping outside of his boundaries and decided to step back. I could be totally off on that, but it comes across that way to me. It's too bad that when they step back that it has to leave the patient confused, hurt and/or scared!

I agree with some of the other posters that it might be in your best interest to find a different T.

Good luck!

SO!
S singyourheartoutMember
wow......you guys are so responzive and supportive. thank you all.

I kind of really fucked up with my T. now. I am a total idiot.

I was drunk the other night and text my T. asking if he will ever answer my email because I sent him an email like...5 days ago.
he then emailed me back saying he was going too that night?
I then text him about 6 more times saying how i felt.
the texts were readable but just...i was drunk and i was being stupid and i am such an idiot!!!!
so then he left me a voicemail today, saying that it is disturbing to not hear from me in like 4 months and then suddenly get all these texts from me.

I felt like such a fucking idiot. I cried the morning after. ugh...and then he said in the voicemail to call him at his office and we can set up an appt. to talk.

i don't even know what to do now. if i should even make an appt.

i FEEL LIKE...i need to because this is something really bothering me and i need def. closure in this whole situation.

anyways...i will keep you all updated. thanks

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