Night time betrayal (4/25/2009)

I shut my eyes tonight
not knowing what path will swallow my mind
intensive fear grips hold
finding self in surroundings
where pain and persecution did unfold

the face of that demon possessed man
stands before me
acting out whatever his inclination
full of hate
love displaced
standing at the ridge of hell’s floor

my heart pumping vast amounts of blood
that keeps me standing
despite the disillusionment of this reality
unable to move
to scream
to cry
I’m shut in at terrors place

And suddenly, I awake
it’s now a different place
my bed I feel
teddy bear near
head still confused
as I dropped through a worm hole
of time and space

heart rate slowly calming
still find sweat
beads riding my brow
as if I ran a long marathon
I continue to look around

I’m safe?
my mind asks someplace
I answer it with a silent but insecure ‘yes’
‘it’s safe now’
‘it was just a flashback from memories past”
forever etched upon my soul
can’t erase
a reminder of a raging storm
betraying lost pieces of my childhood self
Each night I’ve come to dread
not knowing which path will swallow my mind
it could be a peaceful night
sleep filled restful night
dreamless and memory free
or could be fueled with flashbacks
terror
and horror
betraying bits from memories past

continue to remind myself
“I’m safe’
so many years latter
these words don’t seem to matter
bring minor comfort
only in present space
they fail to penetrate
the hijacked hallucinations
that randomly take place

the pictures and flicks
like a broken projector screen
flicks on with some triggers switch
safety does not exist there

The mind is a tricky place
of truth and lies
my existence lives in between
this all under a neat little classification
called PTSD

If only words could be so simple
as the reality
of being
of living
of… surviving?

What can you really do to help me?