Hi Anon,
Just did your poll.
It was triggering for me beecauseof my curent situation.
T is pregnant and going on 1-3 year maternity leave from the hospital clinic where I see her free.
I have the choice to continue free therapy with another therapist or see her privatly and apply for reimburment of ~ 60% of the cost.
I am in the process of applying for this so that I can continue with T, but if I don't get it I will have to change T's.
Both T and P who have to fil in accompanying statement to my application are fairly sure it will be accepted, it is actually cheaper for the state to subsidise private therapy than provide therapy in the hospital clinic,but until I get a reply I cannot be 100% sure!

I saw a woman T when I was I'n my late 20's & I saw her for 12 yrs. During those yrs I think all she really did was crisis control. Get me thru one episode to another. We terminated due to my pregnancy & never had closure.
My point is I wish I knew how great she was when I had her. I miss her & she really stuck by me In some terrible situations. I guess you "just don't know what you got till it's gone."

Thanks to those who voted (and sorry for anyone who found it triggering). I cannot even answer my own poll at this point. I emailed some perspective Ts with a few questions last night, but I'm considering that a back-up plan in case something happens to make me unable or unwilling to see T anymore. He really is UNreplaceable (jeez, what a typo before) to me, but I'm finding myself so upset by how much work he has to do for my case compared to the (at least financial) rewards of working with 2-4 other clients in the time I take. He is facing an onslaught of referrals right now and having to turn prospective clients who he would work with if he had the time away. I guess I'm feeling the need to save him from me right now. If it was out of my control, not my choice, I think I might just give up. I don't want to do it over again... Maybe that's just me being in a bad place. I'm hoping I would make the decision out of self-care and not fear, though. My family deserves a fully present, healing, growing me...

(((BG))) Even since I've been on this forum, I have seen you make huge progress.

I hope to "grow up" one day and not feel like I need T and the only solution to it is to run away completely from him.

Talk about bad timing, last night he randomly said something about his life not being in his control, from a spiritual perspective, and how he could be gone tomorrow. It was in response to my feeling like I am "dragging him along" on this horrible, unending journey with me. He was saying I can't drag him, because God is in control of his life, and then mentioned the whole he could be dead tomorrow thing. I blurted out something like, "Jeez, don't say that while there are 'kids' listening; they're going to freak!" LOL.

Anyway, thanks. T keeps insisting that we'll find a way to keep going no matter what happens, even if it means making some changes. Lately, for example, I've noticed that he's picked up on us having better/quicker containment, so he's ending the sessions a little earlier and more quickly. It feels good (I mean, it feels awful when kids are in the middle of stuff and have to put it away), but it feels good that there is a basic sense of safety inside that we can close things up and he'll be there again next time.

So, I mean, it's getting better than it was. But, I still feel like I wish he would ditch me and take on those extra clients and look after himself better instead of always putting me first. I guess deep down, I still want him to confirm all those messages about my intrinsic lack of worth and value, because then the bad stuff makes sense and I don't have to be hurt or mad or grieve about it. It was deserved. But, he'll never do it. He always insists on showing me that he feels I'm worth loving, caring for, helping, exactly as I am. That jerkface!

Thanks again to everyone who voted in the poll.