I get the post session blues too. It helps a little if I plan something for when I get home so I have something to look forward too. Like waiting to watch a favourite tv show until after my session. I don't know if that suggestion seems a little too light for you in your dark place but I wanted you to know I know a bit of what it feels like to have the post session blues. I hope yours pass quickly.

Sometimes the blues lasts from the moment you leave the room until the moment you re enter the following session!!

((((HIC))))



Sometimes I get depressed right after because it's over and I'm leaving T and feeling sad that I won't see him until our next appointment. Other times I get sad because I wanted to get something specific out of our session that I didn't get but I'm not always aware of what that is. Not sure if any of this resonates with you but thought I'd throw it out there.

I feel pretty much the way Liese feels. But I have to run right back to work and am usually bombarded as soon as I sit down so I have about 3 minutes on the drive back to work to process the leaving of T and to recover from the work we did that day. Sometimes I just go sit in the ladies room for 5 minutes to pull myself together and clean up the runny mascara. It's really hard for me, like today when we processed some trauma and I was very shaky and spacey.

I think the feelings we struggle with are the separation anxiety we get when we have to leave our T's. There are times when my experience of this is worse and sometimes it's not so difficult when I've had a really good and connecting session with him.

TN

I often feel like I'm bolting out of T's office, out the door and out the front gate to avoid feeling abandoned. Them there are times I sit in his verandah and cry for a few mins. Then there are times I cry all the way home and the time my son goes down for a nap I usually go to bed and cry and rest if I'm going through a rough patch.

I am the same with you GreenEyes - run, bolt, don't feel, forget the session, forget the bond - better than to feel the intense pain of the separation.

Thanks for the hugs, kind words, and helpful thoughts lovely people.

This time (I think) the blues were less about leaving T and more about the work of therapy itself. Sometimes trying to make sense of the present (and possible choices for the future) in light of the past brings clarity and insight-- other times it feels like an exercise in futility and confusion. This was one of those other times. Hence the thought that therapy is depressing.

It can feel like what I think of as my life is/was just a random assortment of events with no discernible cause or effect or right or wrong (other than the obvious). Something that happened to me rather than something I chose. And so now I feel this pressure to make an interpretation, make a choice, choose a value, choose a loyalty, find a goal, but it's like I don't see a trail and so no obvious next step. I hope that makes some sense.

I also have a hard time with judgements, especially of my parents, especially of my father. I think T would like me to say that some things should have been different, but where does the "should" come from? Can you change one thing without throwing the entire universe off course (I query dramatically)? Who could be that presumptuous?

Hope this isn't too personal, or too existential, or anything. . .

(((TN))) Wow, I can't imagine having to head straight to work after one of these more disorienting sessions. Kudos to you! Although maybe if I set myself some definitive tasks (or at least diversions as belle suggested) to work on afterward these feelings would be contained better.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

HIC,

I am in the same situation right now...and you just nailed it with this choosing stuff...I am thinking of it also...And feels like my brain will explode. I had a session yesterday, but I totally blacked out, because sth happened, so I asked for an addiotional session tomorrow. The thing is, that yesterday my T said: ''So your mom and your sister are the only 2 persons in your life, that give meaning or worth to things? And what about us, others...friends that also care?''

At that point i lost myself completely, so we didn't end our session as we should. I just go this feeling I need to choose between my family and others. And it is so confusing. That means that I need to configure all my life from the start? How do you choose between something you were tought(from my family) for 20 years, even if it was wrong and between new people who care for you like for a few years? How do you do that? I must say, this question from my T triggered me a lot. I must talk to her tomorrow to see how it will develop.

HIC, thanks for sharing. I did find some associations to your post...and sorry for venting out a little bit in your thread.

Hi HIC

I just came on to start a very similar thread.

I think stirring up our darkest and most painful feelings is depressing, if that's the nature of those feelings.

I've been down all day today after seeing my therapist yesterday. I've cut my sessions down from weekly to fortnightly due to lack of money and I felt really positive about taking control to do that. Yesterday was my first session back after the fortnightly break and I told T that I'd had a really good fortnight and felt very positive. She asked me what it is about therapy that I find depressing. I was a bit flummoxed as I didn't believe that I do find therapy depressing. However, no doubt about it, I've been useless all day, achey, no motivation, a bit panicky.

I came on to ask why therapy effects me like this. Surely it should be helping and when I'm in a positive frame of mind, helping to shore that up so it can continue.

No answers from me just more questions.

HIC:

quote:

It can feel like what I think of as my life is/was just a random assortment of events with no discernible cause or effect or right or wrong (other than the obvious). Something that happened to me rather than something I chose. And so now I feel this pressure to make an interpretation, make a choice, choose a value, choose a loyalty, find a goal, but it's like I don't see a trail and so no obvious next step. I hope that makes some sense.

(((HIC))) that makes a LOT of sense to me. i think i've posted on here before about feeling as though i've always just flown by the seat of my pants my whole life, like i've just blown wherever the wind took me and never really was in the driver's seat. and i often think that maybe that is really what was the last straw that broke the camels back regarding why i ultimately quit therapy back in November. because i felt the pressure to just magically figure out my life and make a move to make my life better, with T as my witness, was just too over-whelming for me. And if i failed, which i was sure to do, i failed not just me but T as well. and he worked SO hard to help me but i just wasn't keeping up. i was too lost in my fear of failure. yeah, "no obvious next step". maybe if i had a clue as to where i want to go, i'd be able to take that next step. trouble is, like my whole life i don't have direction and don't feel as though i have a passion. where/how does one find that? if this makes sense to you, then yes i do get it and i'm sorry you're there, too. really sorry, cuz it's a real bitch of a place to be. i'm 51 and still don't know what i want to be when i grow up

Gentle hugs to all here

HIC therapy can be very tough going, and the treading water can be very frustrating.
There is a lot we don't have control over growing up. And if our parents aren't able to see and support the development of our true self then we can feel lost, aimless and empty as adults.

I've just started to realise how much I hated my parents and how much I hate my family. When we are young we have to split those feelings off from the good loving ones to protect our sanity and to survive. I have previously felt very disloyal speaking badly of my parents to my T but as time has gone on, I'm seeing them more clearly and the evidence is mounting that they were in fact awful at times. It does change your perspective irreversibly but it's more accurate and complete and relieves you of unnecessary guilt and shame that was never yours to start with.

Ninna - was what you were taught accurate? Giving up what you were taught involves grief, anxiety and confusion but you will, gain a more accurate perspective and maybe you'll be able to have both friends and family?

Tygr - agree T can stir up very dark feelings


CD figuring out your life takes ages but its worth it. It's not fair to condemn yourself to failure and I don't think this is a black and white pass/fail issue. It's about developing your own personal meaning and nobody else can tell you what's right or wrong but you do need to be deeply known by another which can be very scary. From my experience you find yourself and your real passion by going to T and working through your past so there is energy available to begin looking for what you really want. It's never too late

(((HIC)))

quote:

And so now I feel this pressure to make an interpretation, make a choice, choose a value, choose a loyalty, find a goal, but it's like I don't see a trail and so no obvious next step.

Can you explain more about this? Not sure if this is what you are saying, but for me one of the hardest things has been to just accept that therapy is just there, it's just this thing that's coexists with the rest of my life and there might not always be an obvious next step. That feeling DOES provoke a lot of anxiety. I feel like I have to produce or T will be disappointed in me and throw me out of therapy. Not having a clear-cut goal to focus on and just having to live with the grayness of it all is really difficult. I have a general goal of getting healthier but nothing so clearcut that we can work on every session. It's a bit scary just "relaxing" into the relationship. Maybe creating some structure for your sessions might help with your anxiety?

quote:

I think T would like me to say that some things should have been different,

Did she say that? I don't know about the image you have of your father in your head but as unhappy as I have been in my relationship with my mother, I still have this image of her in my head as the "good" mother. It's hard to grasp that someone you trusted (and still trust?) and depended upon might have harmed you. I'm like you. I never wanted to condemn her but I can now see how her emotional patterns have harmed me in a general way. Not that she intended to do harm but she had her own hurts that she was nursing, her own needs that she was trying to get met through her children and her family. Being able to see that, to see her psyche for what it is and how it interacted with mine as a child and an adult is what has been the most freeing for me. I don't have to condemn her in order to heal but I had to stop wanting and relying on her for something she could never give in the first place.

quote:

but where does the "should" come from? Can you change one thing without throwing the entire universe off course (I query dramatically)? Who could be that presumptuous?

I understand how one thing can throw the entire universe off course but I'm having trouble understanding why you declaring or not declaring that something should have been different fits in with that. Can you explain more about this?

Hope you are feeling better.

((((HELD))))

In thinking about your recent posts, it seems to me that you would like to see your T weekly because she stabilizes you but you don't necessarily want to work on any deep stuff. Would you feel less pressure to deep work if you went every other week but find that you need the support of seeing T weekly? Is it possible to square it with her that it's okay to see her weekly but not necessarily do deep work?

Therapy should be about what you want and need.

Wanted to thank everyone for the empathic (and insightful!) replies. Will be back to reply in more detail when I have a little more time, hopefully this afternoon.

Closed Doors:

"feeling as though i've always just flown by the seat of my pants my whole life, like i've just blown wherever the wind took me and never really was in the driver's seat... because i felt the pressure to just magically figure out my life and make a move to make my life better..."

I wanted you to know that I can so relate to this...when the Therapist asks me "What do you want to talk about today?" I feel myself freeze. It's almost as if I have to come up with the one thing that will make everything better. I feel so much pressure. I know he is not trying to make me feel that way...but I just freeze when he asks me that!

I never equated it with the 'fear of failure' but now that you shared your experience, I can see how that would be.

Thank you for sharing.
T.

hi TAS. i'm glad (but not so much) that you can relate to what i said. oh, i totally relate to the anxiety of "what would you like to talk about today". whammoooo zoing! lala land! i know NOW what the intent is, but that is waaaaaaaaayyyyy too much space for me!!! even now after two years of therapy. too much space. i NEED some direction and i NEED to know that you don't expect me to have all the answers now. cuz i DON'T! not even close! you're gonna have to have the patience of a saint, quite literally.

T got better toward the end, but that was a favorite opening question of his and i made sure he knew i hated it. once in a while he'd pull it out and chuckle at my response, but he did eventually realize it triggered too much in me.

good luck as always, TAS!

Green Eyes, i'm not ignoring you

quote:

CD figuring out your life takes ages but its worth it. It's not fair to condemn yourself to failure and I don't think this is a black and white pass/fail issue. It's about developing your own personal meaning and nobody else can tell you what's right or wrong but you do need to be deeply known by another which can be very scary. From my experience you find yourself and your real passion by going to T and working through your past so there is energy available to begin looking for what you really want. It's never too late

i do appreciate this. the first time i read it my defenses were up and you were being judgemental, but the second read said a whole lot more. i appreciate what you said and it touched me and gave me hope. i get the deeply known/seen thing you speak of, and it it very scary indeed, but the way to health as well. you're pretty wise yet you're pretty vulnerable and i appreciate your presence here at on the forum.

Finally back to reply to people. Might have to do this in stages.

Ninna-- hey, it's great to see you posting here again. Been a little while. Feel free to vent on my threads, it's good to know I'm communicating clearly enough that people can relate to what I write. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say about all these intense but ambiguous feelings.

quote:

That means that I need to configure all my life from the start? How do you choose between something you were tought(from my family) for 20 years, even if it was wrong and between new people who care for you like for a few years? How do you do that? I must say, this question from my T triggered me a lot.

Exactly!!

tygr-- yeah, I could really relate to what you wrote, too. Sometimes I feel like my life is just fine and all the drama, stress, and turmoil comes from therapy! I still kinda have this feeling it's worth wading through, though. I suppose time will tell. Thanks for posting and good luck.

CD-- Yeah, I have that sense of drifting through life and also the fear (worry? suspicion?) that T expects something more from me now that she's invested so much work into helping me see things more clearly. Except things aren't quite clear and drifting doesn't always seem so bad. . .

Green Eyes--

quote:

It does change your perspective irreversibly but it's more accurate and complete and relieves you of unnecessary guilt and shame that was never yours to start with.

In a way, that's the scary part of therapy, for me-- that possibility of an irreversible change in perspective. I wonder if that change is something that you choose at some point along the journey, or if it is just something that happens to you as you tell and retell your story to your T, striving for deeper levels of honesty? I wish I had more control over how I may come to see things.

Liese,

Wow, you ask some good questions! Answering these may involve being a little more open about me than I generally am (I think) on here, so please bear with me, people.

quote:

Can you explain more about this? Not sure if this is what you are saying, but for me one of the hardest things has been to just accept that therapy is just there, it's just this thing that's coexists with the rest of my life and there might not always be an obvious next step. That feeling DOES provoke a lot of anxiety. I feel like I have to produce or T will be disappointed in me and throw me out of therapy. Not having a clear-cut goal to focus on and just having to live with the grayness of it all is really difficult. I have a general goal of getting healthier but nothing so clearcut that we can work on every session. It's a bit scary just "relaxing" into the relationship. Maybe creating some structure for your sessions might help with your anxiety?

Hmm, I think what I was writing there was not so much about an obvious next step for therapy, as for my actual life-- or more specifically, how I think about my actual life. It can feel kind of dream like and amorphous. (Is this just how life is?) T was asking me these questions like what do I really believe, what does my life (as in my daily concrete existence, not my abstract soul or whatever) mean to me? I said that I was a wife and mother and that there doesn't seem to be room for a whole lot else right now, which felt a little lame even as I was saying it. She pointed out that there are other relationships that are important to me, which is true, but I don't think of those as defining, so much.

Otoh, all of this also applies to how I feel about therapy right now! So maybe more structure to my sessions would be good, if I could think of a way to implement it.

quote:

Did she say that? I don't know about the image you have of your father in your head but as unhappy as I have been in my relationship with my mother, I still have this image of her in my head as the "good" mother.

Ah, my father. My image of him is somewhat idealized and I can sense that frustrates T a little (it's pretty clear he is not her favorite person). I think of him as very complex character, and his life as almost poetic, in a tragic hero kind of way. He's very religious and idealistic himself, almost a kind of mystic, but he picked up some rather bizarre ideas that he imposed on me in a way that has drastically impacted my life. There is no denying some of his shortcomings and parenting failures had a negative effect-- but I think of that as just natural fall out from life, and not exactly his "fault". Sometimes I'll get a "poor me" feeling about it all, but very little indignation or anger. T gets more worked up over all that than I do. And when I talk about him in this way, she's like, "Yes, but what about you?"

Where was I? Oh, she told me the other day that she wants to validate my experience, but she has to be so cautious because I will start defending him, and then she feels like she is arguing against me, but that she isn't, she is arguing for me. That was nice to hear. She also says I minimize as a coping mechanism a lot and she doesn't want to take that from me. I was not quite sure what to make of that-- if she should or she shouldn't.

quote:

I understand how one thing can throw the entire universe off course but I'm having trouble understanding why you declaring or not declaring that something should have been different fits in with that. Can you explain more about this?

Maybe an example would help. So my dad didn't want me to go to college. T thinks that is pretty awful-- that I'm bright, academically inclined, should have had that opportunity, etc. etc. But if that had been different-- maybe I would have met and ended up with someone besides H (and although our marriage isn't perfect I'm quite fond of him). I wouldn't have my kids, and I can't imagine life without them.

T seems to like that I read and think about things, but if my parents hadn't been a little crazy I would probably not have been as motivated to put in the time to try to figure out them, myself, and the Universe.

I think she wants me to tap into some righteous indignation so I will have more energy to make different choices or develop more of a self, but it's really hard to do that. Yes, I am attributing a lot to T here. I can't point to one thing she's said off the top of my head to confirm that impression, but this is the general sense I get from her interactions with me and the way she shapes our sessions (to the extent that she does).

Hope that wasn't too much, lol.

quote:

Would you feel less pressure to deep work if you went every other week but find that you need the support of seeing T weekly?

Yes, pretty much. I'm still stuck on all of that. I don't think the pressure comes from T, but from me. A lot of this stuff is not very far from the surface now (so maybe calling it "deep" work is not terribly accurate, lol). Working on it is unsettling and unpleasant, but it's hard to see T regularly without automatically going there-- because although she is not the dream analyst of my fantasies (lol), she is kind, accepting, smart, and willing to listen, and I just start talking-- but then I get scared, or depressed, or skeptical.

I guess you are all thinking that is just the process, right?

Phew, okay, that was a lot from me. Time to drift through another day.

quote:

Originally posted by GreenEyes:


Ninna - was what you were taught accurate? Giving up what you were taught involves grief, anxiety and confusion but you will, gain a more accurate perspective and maybe you'll be able to have both friends and family?

Dear GreenEyes, this is exactely what I am dealing with. And is so hard. My head says, that it is right what my family taught me, but when I try other things with my T I feel better. So I my head that means I need to let my sister and my mom out of my head, and believe my T and my friends, that I am lovable and that I do deserve being loved and accepted.

But how to do that, when I was for 25 years taught that family is most important? And it drives me crazy because my mom meant to me much more than I did to her? And was always hurt by her...And now I am with my T and she is so caring, and now I do feel She means more to me than my own family. That feels wrong, cause I am not respectful towards my mother? Don't know, but I just know I am so scared...

And you see...I complicate even more... Now my T means a lot to me, and as T-client relationship, I think she means more to me, than I do to her. And then I get this conclusion, that I will be extremely hurt again, and will not be able to go through it again...

I am sorry, I didn't wan't to still topic. Really sorry HIC...

I am pretty bad right now...

(((HELD)))

Thanks for giving me some concrete examples. They really helped a lot.

quote:

T seems to like that I read and think about things, but if my parents hadn't been a little crazy I would probably not have been as motivated to put in the time to try to figure out them, myself, and the Universe.

IDK, HELD, I have a bit of a hunch that you would have been motivated to learn regardless of your parents sanity.

I tend to lean the same way you do. (At least I think I do.) Yes, it's sad that your father didn't want you to go to college but lots of people don't go to college when they are young for one reason or another. It doesn't mean you can't go in the future. It's just the way things work out sometimes.

On the other hand, it's not a bad idea to ask yourself if you will raise your kids that way? Would you want your daughter to be dependent upon finding a husband who makes a good living that will be able to support her? Even if she found a husband with a nice salary, would you want her to be able to protect and take care of herself if he died suddenly or left her? Life can be a bit random.

quote:

Sometimes I'll get a "poor me" feeling about it all, but very little indignation or anger.

I struggle with this too. It seems as though anger is crucial in terms of separating psychologically but how much is enough? Feeling sorry for yourself is recognition on your part that your needs aren't being met. Is it essential that we lambaste our parents in order to become healthy and separate? Make the difficult choice between them and the future? Am I minimizing as well? Or is T being too harsh?

quote:

T gets more worked up over all that than I do. And when I talk about him in this way,

I guess this is where thinking that T wants you to be more motivated so that you will develop a sense of self fits into the picture? I suppose feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to motivate you to do the things T thinks you want to do with your life. On the other hand, don't we want to be motivated by a more positive force? I mean, if we are fueled by anger, then we will have to hang onto that anger in order to stay motivated, right? It seems more ideal to be motivated to do something because we love it when we do it. If the anger is the motivating force, my guess is we would still not quite be separate from the other.

My own experience has been that no one could push me to develop a sense of self until I was ready. It's been a really slow and, at times, torturous process for me. There is a certain amount of security in holding onto things from the past even if a part of us knows it doesn't fit with who we really are inside. I think we need to feel secure enough in the present in order to let go of the past.

quote:

I don't think the pressure comes from T, but from me.

Oh, I really get this. I finally just asked my T if I could just wing it a little more because I spend so much time preparing for my sessions (not wanting to let T down) that I can't let go and do something else with my T in between therapy.

quote:

A lot of this stuff is not very far from the surface now (so maybe calling it "deep" work is not terribly accurate, lol). Working on it is unsettling and unpleasant, but it's hard to see T regularly without automatically going there-- because although she is not the dream analyst of my fantasies (lol), she is kind, accepting, smart, and willing to listen, and I just start talking-- but then I get scared, or depressed, or skeptical.

HIC, I'm a big fan of listening to those feelings, the feelings of being scared or depressed or skeptical. Not so much because T isn't trustworthy but because they let you know when you feel vulnerable. When you have those feelings, they are telling you something. Listen to what they are telling you.

CD there was no judgement intended and kudos to you for going back and reading my post again and keeping your defences under control to be able to see more clearly what I was trying to say. I realise this is a very, very difficult issue. And yes I'm human which means I'm vulnerable like everyone lse and I. Glad I can be responsible enough to go to therapy and heal.

HIC I think the change of perspective is a gradual but inevitable change intersperse ith "aha" moments. As the evidence gets clearer and stronger, inner deception and distortion becomes less powerful and seen for what they really are - lies!

Nin you are loveable and deserving of love. No doubt about that.

It sounds like family is very important to you (sorry if I'm off track there), and sometimes one can feel incredibly guilty for thinking negatively about family members, as if the thoughts themselves constitute an unforgivable betrayal. One of the key components to happiness is balance and in the context of relationships that means a balance between your own needs and the needs of others. I know in many cultures individuals are expected to put the needs of their family ahead of their individual needs, but I can't see how that psychologiclly ends well for anyone.

Change is slow and often uncomfortable and confusing. But if you hang in there, you will come away a happier, more balanced individual who can clearly see things as they are in the present.

It's also interesting that you think your T AND your mum mean more to you than you are to them. It seems like you're playing out old relational patterns with your T which is a really good thing if she can handle it well.

((((HIC))))

It has only occurred to me now that my response might have sounded a bit dismissive. It might sound strange, and I'm going to try to explain it, but I was actually trying to be supportive of you when I responded to the part about your Dad not letting you go to college in the sense that you felt T was being too harsh on your Dad. Kind of like," oh, well, he's not such a meanie because he didn't let you go to college. Lots of people don't go to college right out of high school. " I was trying to walk that fine line between validating your feelings about not having been allowed to go to college but still wanting to love your Dad. Does that make sense?

That's not to say that I don't understand why you would be super angry about it. I was angry with my parents about a lot of things for a really long time. For me, being my own person meant two things: rejecting my parents values and risk losing the relationship I had with them as I knew it but also facing my fears about whatever it is that I wanted to do. They are really hard things to do. At least for me, they were. Oh, I should say, they still are really hard things for me to do.

I have a quick story for you. I was actually thinking about this story when I wrote my reply. I have a childhood friend who went to college for one year but then dropped out to get married. When we met up about 16 years ago, she was working on finishing her degree and cried to me how terrible she felt about dropping out of college after one year. There I was at home with my kids even though I had gone more or less straight to college after high school. Her kids were older than mine and she was back to work.

My friend had done the opposite of me but when we met again after so many years, we were basically in the same spot more or less. Does that make sense? 6 of one, half a dozen of another. So, part of what I was trying to do was to give you encouragement. It doesn't mean life is over. You can still go to college. The older I get, the more I see that a lot people don't live their lives in straight lines as they had planned or according to how they thought life should be. I had that idea fixed in my head for a really long time. I thought I was the only one zigzagging through life. I'm kind of appreciating my zigging and my zagging now. Well, sort of. Sometimes. LOL!

Just wanted to clarify that because I'm not sure that came across the right way.

Hey Liese,

Thanks for clarifying. I appreciate the encouragement!

quote:

So, part of what I was trying to do was to give you encouragement. It doesn't mean life is over. You can still go to college. The older I get, the more I see that a lot people don't live their lives in straight lines as they had planned or according to how they thought life should be. I had that idea fixed in my head for a really long time. I thought I was the only one zigzagging through life. I'm kind of appreciating my zigging and my zagging now. Well, sort of. Sometimes. LOL!

Very true.

I felt a little self conscious about having mentioned the college thing, because with lack of context I wasn't sure others would understand, and that they would maybe be thinking, "Good grief, HIC, you were an adult! What do you mean 'your dad didn't want you to go to college'? A lot of people work their own way through."

It's a little more complicated than that. My home life was unusual. There was a high degree of indoctrination, surveillance, quasi-isolation, enmeshment, and co-dependency. I can see *now* that I could have made a different choice, but back then I really don't think it was a psychological possibility for me, esp. given my anxiety issues, the dependency (that my parents cultivated), and my extreme sense of loyalty to them.

Not trying to moan here, just explain. Anyway, the college thing is just one of the issues I've been grappling with in therapy related to them, but it seemed like a useful example for whatever point I was trying to illustrate at the time (now I need to go back and read my earlier post, lol.)

And I admit I am going to feel even more self conscious having this up here, so if anyone wants to respond just to say they don't hate me, that would be cool.

((((HIC))))

quote:

so if anyone wants to respond just to say they don't hate me, that would be cool.

Far from it. I totally get what it's like to be paralyzed psychologically. Our parents are our oxygen. I wanted to be a psychology major in college but I knew my Dad didn't quite believe in the field. Little did I know then that he'd spent a month in the psych ward when I was born. Probably a part of his life he wanted to forget and there I was pushing all his buttons.

HIC i'm on the fly but I want to let you know that hate is the last thing that comes to mind when I think of you girl
will write more later xx

And (((HIC)))

I hope you can accept my apologies for being dismissive. As I explained above, I was trying to validate you in some contorted kind of way and only realized later when I reread it that it wasn't quite coming across the way I meant it.

Anywhooo, HIC, there are still a ton of things that completely and totally paralzye me psychologically . I worry too that other people will think, "well, why can't she just do x, y or z?" But I get absolutely flooded sometimes so I just have to take it one step and one day at a time. I wish it were different and I wish I was different but I tried for a long time to escape myself - with no luck. We're all stuck with each other. LOL!

Please accept my apologies.

(((Liese)))

There is really no need to apologize. I was just more concerned with how I might have come across, you know? All is well.

(((Green Eyes)))

(((HELD)))