Hugs to you Kashley - it sounds like all sorts of things are stirring for you right now. Do you think that calling your T would really make a difference to your breaking through to expressing feelings with her? I think I get what you mean though about feelings being either all at once and a big mess, or shut down and get on with it, revert to externally known and recognized face. I feel a bit like, if I go into these feelings, that's it, I'm not coming out until it's all over - and real life REALLY gets in the way then lol.

It does sound though like you are bit by bit approaching some sort of breakthrough. That doesn't necessarily have to be bad - though it might feel bad.

(((( Kashley ))))

LL

(((((((Kashley))))))) I know what you mean, I do exactly the same thing. It's SO frustrating, isn't it? There was only one time so far where I've really let loose with my individual T. Somehow I was NOT able to "get it together" before my session and I was SO glad she got to see me like that, so I could tell her "this is how I am lots of the time when I'm NOT here".

We have our couples session in a couple of hours and I've been doing that same shutting down thing for the last day or so. I just hate it that I do that. I wish I knew the way to get around it.

I thought writing when I felt that way, then reading it in session would "bring it back", but I've tried that with my former T and current individual T, and it hasn't worked for me...it has just fallen "flat".

I suppose all of this is our defenses at work...if I find a way around it, I'll let you know! Let's keep trying, anyway.

SG

Hi Kashley,

Yep, it's very frustating indeed... I've had this happened to me many times while in therapy. I'd go to a session, not really motivated, session would be OK but not very productive and two hours later I'd be overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts that I feel needed attention...

I found a way to deal with it that ended up being pretty effective (in my case anyway). Whenever I had these feelings/thoughts that I felt were important, I forced myself to write them down. Not a lot of details, just what came up in my mind and why I felt it was worthy to be written down. I would then bring that paper with me in therapy and I would discuss the content with my T. Very quickly, it made the actual therapy more 'interesting/productive'. This didn't stop me from having 'post session urges' from time to time but it definitely made the process better and more effective !!

"I think about what I would say to her if I did. I never get very far, though, because I just invalidate my thoughts/feelings as unimportant and as an overreaction and overdramatic."

Did you mention this particular feeling to your T ? I think this is substance that could be interesting to explore...

I'm sorry Kashley. I know this place that you speak of quite well. This is how I was for nearly the first year of therapy (unless a child part came out and then all bets were off). I wouldn't be able to connect with any feeling and felt as if I couldn't connect to T. Then after quite some time I got up the courage to call T when things were bad once. It went well. Months went by and I didn't reach out again. She was always saying that I was too self-reliant etc. So, I was having a really hard time after (in my opinion) she provoked me toward the end of a session and then she told me if I needed to call her to do so. So, I did and she basically told me tough luck, deal on your own. I freaked! I sent her a very angry letter and was so upset that she knew how hard it was for me to reach out and she said she couldn't help. I told her that she had better not ever offer again if she is only going to tell me to deal. She has offered, but she has not refused to help me again. Anyway, we went on this way for quite a while. I would go home and write her letters and then we would sometimes discuss the material later. Over time, the letters have become shorter and shorter and less frequent. I still send her a faxed letter once or twice a week at this point, but they are more to the point and shorter than before. My very long and rambling point is that I too (like MHP) have found the writing effective. Gradually, over time I have come to the point where I can share more and more in person vs in writing and in between sessions the writing helps me to maintain the connection to my T.

I have found that I have to be very careful what I do before T. If I am super busy right up until my session then I almost always will end up in the non-feeling avoidant mode. It takes me way too long to get out of that place. So, I try to have quiet reflection before T so that I can get to a place where I can deal with the issues at hand. It is hard though!

kashley, i don't have but a second, but wanted to respond to you, as i share your predicament often.

what i have done, that helps so much, is journal throughout the week, and when i feel these 'urges' write them down, then before a session i would read through the week of urges and, as silly as it sounds, read my words...this was really with t1, but it is so hard to recreate the feeling 'on queue' with your session time. and this would really help me...i would even lead by saying that i don't really feel 'this' right now, but this is how i felt the day after last session.

journaling is therapuetic for me, and there are some good guides to 'how to journal' so that you don't get too flooded.


good luck with it, i know how frustrating it is to have to wait that whole week and just hope to recreate a powerful feeling.

jill

(ew, just read others with the same advise and some it didn't work well for, but i am leaving it up as it works pretty well for me and certainly better than nothing...i do agree with what one said about quiet reflective time before, and often i pray in the car for this to be an effective session for ultimately me to better myself for my family and my world...to better reflect Christlike qualities, to be fully the person God created me to be, and to utilize the gift of therapy for His purposes within me) i rant, but, this reflection and perspective helps me, and the session to be more useful, (generally!) sorry for the redundency in my post! jill

wow Kashley

ya know it's strange that you wrote this cause I just got back from a session and felt like saying the exact same things you did. I don't open up and lately been feeling like distant from T, except there is so much going on with me right now I get so overwhelmed and then I see that hour ticking by so fast. By the time it's up, I am all ready to start talking but so very very upset cause there's no more time.

well, I have never called my T about something I'm feeling or struggling with but tonight I DID! I just had to. I grew angry at something she said and then sad and so many emotions came crashing in that I just could no longer hold them into myself as I know I would've never brought them up at the next session.

Well, I felt like crap leaving that message. I kept saying I didn't know what I was saying or why but that I just needed to say and express my anger without seeing her immediate reaction. I went from angry to quiet to crying.

and ya know what, I feel so much better right now (at least for now). I feel like I am even going to sleep better tonight. I feel like some (not all) part of me is relieved for having ranted like that. Even though I am worried she will be overwhelmed and tell me she can't see me anymore.

at least right now, I got to speak and finally vent and open up. Even if it was random and a bit crazy, I'll admit.

So I see what you're going through. I'm also thinking of using a tape recorder to record some rants so I can decide later if I actually want to share and maybe for me that would be easier to writing so I can hear my frustrations better. Do you think using a tape recorder would help you?

I wish I could offer you some advice to opening up with your T, but as you see I'm stuck there too, so how about a few hugs instead

(((((Kashley)))))

Thank you so much LL, SG, MHP, STRM, Jill, and Forlorn...you all are so kind for responding.

quote:

I feel a bit like, if I go into these feelings, that's it, I'm not coming out until it's all over - and real life REALLY gets in the way then lol

Yes...a thousand times over. My T tells me to try and talk to my feelings to gauge how much I feel at any one point, but they bombard me so quickly and fiercely, I never feel like I'm at a point where I can be like, "OK, this is enough now." Know what I mean? On the other hand, there's been a time or two lately where I think I'm feeling something, but I'm not even sure what it is. It's almost like I can only recognize what I'm feeling when it completely flattens me. Not convenient.

SG, I had a little bit of a similar experience, although on a smaller scale, where I came into a session kind of feeling something, but I wasn't sure, and it had me all out of sorts. So I just told her, and it ended up being a really productive session. But yes, the shutting down before a session is so frustrating.

And as far as writing things down (I'll just address that here in response to all of your comments), I think, but I'm not positive, that I'd have the same trouble as SG. As in, I wouldn't be able to bring back the feelings simply by reading them. Honestly, I think I'd be ashamed of my feelings, and the shame would overpower any tendency to actually feel. I do see the value in simply letting my T know what I felt in between sessions, and just the relief of having her know something is one thing that I've experienced several times. I hope next week I can maybe talk about this a bit, just so she at least knows.

MHP - I haven't mentioned the thing about my thoughts behind calling her...I guess I have trouble even admitting I need her (or anyone for that matter) at all, and talking about feeling the need to call her would be an admittance on my part. Not that that's bad, just that it's hard for me to do.

STRM -

quote:

If I am super busy right up until my session then I almost always will end up in the non-feeling avoidant mode. It takes me way too long to get out of that place.

Ah - thank you so much for pointing this out, STRM. You know, I know I've known this logically, and I know I avoid feelings precisely by keeping busy, but having it written out that being busy affects you before sessions clicks completely with me like it obviously hasn't before. My sessions are scheduled at different times each week (my T's schedule changes, so we set up appointment times at the end of each session), which, frankly, sucks sometimes because we both may not be open for more than a week. The session before last was a break of 9 days and this last one was 8 days. My next session is in exactly a week. I digress. Anyway, I almost always have to schedule my session in between classes and/or work. For instance, this morning my session was right after a class. However I always try to schedule them so I have some breathing time for a few hours afterward...I hate having to go right back to work. I feel like I'm rambling...anyway, I don't have class or work before my session next week, so I'll use that time to reflect and hopefully it will help, at least a tiny bit.

Hey Jill, thanks for your response. You know, I used to journal a lot, and now in the past 4 or 5 months I only journal to write down stuff about my sessions, so only once a week. Maybe twice, but that's a rare occurrence now. I used to write in it nearly every day, and I'm not really sure why I slowed down so much. When I first started therapy with my old T, I was journaling a lot, and I know that keeps all of these thoughts and feelings a little more at the forefront of my mind. It also made real life a little harder, because the resiliency of those residual feelings from sessions was a little higher. I should try to journal more often again, though.

Forlorn -

That is so awesome that you called your T! I hope it turns out well for you - I know it's been a little rocky for you lately with your T, so I hope she pulls through. Big hugs from me.

I totally understand how you feel, being overwhelmed and all. Right now I feel like my T is just having to help me get from week to week, dealing with a whole bunch of little stuff that's coming up. I guess I do have this tendency to dissociate whenever we get to harder stuff...for instance, in the last session I talked briefly about a painful memory but started to dissociate soon into the conversation. So, being overwhelmed these past few weeks lowers my tolerance level for that sort of thing, and I know my T has been treading carefully, which is both good and frustrating at the same time. This week my T just helped keep me from exploding with anxiety and stress, because I've been sick and missed classes and all of the work is just piling up.

I don't think I could ever use a tape recorder...I would absolutely cringe hearing the sound of my voice! It seems like it would be similar to journaling, although it would be more free flowing since you wouldn't get a cramp in your hand (unless you journal on the computer, but that doesn't feel as 'authentic' to me).

Thanks for the replies, everyone. You all help so much.

Hi Kashley...Monte once suggested listening to music that makes you feel before sessions to connect emotionally. I've never tried if, but I'm thinking maybe I will. I'm going to try listening to something that doesn't thrill me rationally...(I tend to love Bach) but rather something that I might tend to make fun of...since I tend to be a real snob about music. I am going to listen to the most emotionally immature music I can find. (Because deep down inside I really love that stuff!) And I am going to enjoy it...see where it takes me. Just a thought! Hang in there...thinking of you,

BB

Haha, BB, that sounds like a great plan. It's funny that you mention that, because the past few days I listened to some songs that I listened to around this time last year when I first started therapy. Oddly enough, I was feeling some...I don't know, vulnerability? Something (but it WAS something at least!) that I thought would maybe help 'soften me up' a bit before my session.

Lately I've found that my thoughts come so quickly that I can't write them down by hand before half of them are gone from my head. So I've written out journal entries on the computer and then I'll go back and handwrite them (which also forces me to re-read them). Anyway, it was a slow day at work yesterday, so I started to write a little bit on the computer and a whole bunch of things came pouring out that haven't in a while. Granted, it was all negative and self-critical. But I have felt so drastically cut off from everything that I couldn't even put that large negative part of myself into words, if that makes any sense.

I don't know. I guess the worst thing about feeling all of these things outside of sessions and never in a session is the sense of loneliness that comes with it. And, of course, when I am the only one that knows about the feelings, I'm very critical of them and myself for even having them. Ugh. Spinning thoughts like this are just exhausting.

Thanks for your continued support.

K.

What to do with all those post-session feelings.
My T allows me to email him. He jokes with me sometimes to allow him to get home before I shoot him an email. I may send him one that evening or the next day. He has not commtted to responding to ever email....a boundry he put in place, but If I dont hear from him it hurts.
So there is a small downside of emailing. But the upside is major. I really feel supported 24/7. I can journal my thoughts about what we discussed in session. And he usually offers me feedback. I cant tell you how much additional support this gives me. I would rather email than call him, that seems more intrusive into his personal life and I really try not to do that. These intense feelings have to go somewhere, and be able to channel them to my T usually has a positive outcome versus me becoming depressed and self injuring or something.