(((liese))))

From just my limited perspective and experience, I know how much that realization can hurt, feeling powerless. I guess sometimes the most pain can come right before the most growth though, before the biggest insights and changes.

FWIW, while total lack of disclosure is very painful, getting those blanks filled in with information can be really awful too. That's probably little or no comfort, but maybe it will help in some way...

I'm thinking of you and hope things get a little easier with this


(edited to say when I refer to filling in the blanks I just mean if a T over discloses. Sorry I wrote this half asleep and not sure it came out making much sense haha)

((((DRAGGERS))))

Thanks for the hugs. Funny you should ask if I've ever asked my T what I want to know. I was wondering the same thing. That if I asked, he'd tell me and I was making a big deal out of nothing. Today actually I decided to tell him that I weave stories about him from the things I pick up. I told him the story about the pink gift bag (see the lying T thread). Well, it turns out that he doesn't have any grandchildren so he obviously wasn't lying and all these years I have distrusted him because of that. What he said today is that he doesn't lie and he doesn't disclose. And that he doesn't disclose because he doesn't lie. anyway, so we continue to work through the crap.

I don't know about you but practically every topic was off limits in my house and there were LOTS of elephants in the room that we just ignored. I think it's just so engrained in me NOT to say anything, NOT to ask the questions because of the environment in my FOO that it's just more natural to weave stories together without ever checking to see if they are true.

Anyway, we continue to work through this stuff. I've really been a royal pain in the ass to him over these holidays, needing more assurance and contact than almost ever. He's been most patient and helpful, realizing that we might need to change things up.

On another note, I just got Onno van der Hart's Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation workbook and it looks great. It something T's and patients work on together. Maybe somehting in there will be helpful.

Hi Liese, My T. does some disclosure and says I can ask but to ask carefully because no matter the answer, I always put myself as an outsider. Also, my questions and her answers are never enough to fill me up. It is so very hard.

((((RM))))

quote:

because no matter the answer, I always put myself as an outsider.

Sometimes I think my desire to know more is masochistic. I would do the same thing. And, yes, it probably never would be enough for me either. Thanks for sharing that.

I had a previous T who would tell me way too much. I know soooooooo much about her. It got a bit scary because I then made decisions to protect her - openly so - which she accepted.

Current T - I know absolutely NOTHING about. I have no idea what her surname is. What qualifications she has (though she would tell me that bit I guess if I asked), where she lives, whether she is married or has kids... how many other clients... She is a total blank. In my head she only exists for an hour in her office. It's sligtly better now I have a contact number (had this for 2 weeks - only for cancelling appointments due to winter weather and absolutely NO other use) - she must exist outside of that hour if I could text her? (I do know intellectually that she is a real person with a 24/7 life). dunno... I'm not sure I feel any attachment 4 mnths in. I have no idea if I am a real person to her (and sometimes if I am real at all to be honest).

meh! Us clients eh? We seem to battle it either way!

SB

(((SB)))

It's really fine line that takes exquisite skill to find the right balance for each individual. I read that somewhere. Kathy Steele, actually. I didn't want to know anything about my T for a long time. I blocked out all the other people in his life.

Your new T sounds, um, interesting? I probably would have done the same thing as you, taken care of his needs had he put them out there.

I definitely would have tried to take care of his needs. My T. frequently has to stop me because I try to take care of her.

I sure agree that there has to be a fine line when it comes to T's disclosing personal things. When I first started Therapy I wanted to know a lot about what I thought was my almost perfect T, but I never asked him anything personal, because I felt his personal life is not my business, and if he wanted me to know he would tell me. I have seen that my T sometimes discloses things about himself to use as an example, and he is trying to build trust with me so I open up, kind of like, you tell me something, than I expect you to tell something back. I appreciate that he is being trusting with me, and by disclosing some bits of himself I've seen his reality, a partial picture of who he really is. He is a good guy, but the thing is I am glad its only a partial picture, I don't want to know more, because it has been a bit painful, my image of him now has become "HUMAN", not just a perfect T! All kidding aside, his bits of disclosing have helped me to see him as just a person, and that really is beneficial to me. Its was so easy when I first started Therapy, to see him as the "Perfect Person" the "Perfect T", which just isn't so, and it could quickly create a painful attachment to a persona that I made for my T that isn't real, and it would end up hurting me. So its ok for me knowing some of his reality, just enough so I can keep an honest perspective of reality. He's my T, and not knowing anything about him would have me developing this false image, or false picture that I would have created in my head, and the last thing I need to deal with is an "Insecure Attachment" by building this false picture of who I want him to be, instead of who he really is. Its just too easy to build our own picture of our T's, so I'm kinda glad to hear some small bits of disclosure, but not to much, just enough to keep it real.

((((RM)))) Yes, I would do that too!

((((EME)))) That was so insightful. I too have thought of my T as the perfect T and that certainly hasn't helped with my tendency to idealize others and devalue myself. I do think it would be a much healthier and realistic attachment if we got to see the human side of them sometimes. It would have to be at the right time and in the right doses because I might then tend to devalue him as well. I did need to have confidence in him and think he was put together enough in order to help me. I needed to believe that he is smart. Etc. But I'm not too sure how healthy not knowing anything is.