Yup. And hearing the term "pre-verbal trauma" scared the crap out of me. But it's there. And I have yet to process the mess of it. Somehow, knowing it is there and that my T is totally capable of tackling it with me makes it a little less scary. And knowing some of the surrounding info makes it a little less freak-out, though it doesn't help the big picture.

Sorry, I know this isn't necessarily helpful.

Yes, Cat. IF your talking about emotional deprivation a lot has been sorted out in my therapy. Another of T's patients suffered physical abuse, including T himself in infancy, and they have both come a long way in 'processing' their trauma.

Cat,
I've hit this a few times. It's very hard to process because it feels to me more like internal tidal pulls than feelings. I have to open myself to what it felt like while keeping one foot in adult understanding and then struggle to express what it felt like and make sense of it. As my T has described it, the feelings are probably what my relational experience was like before my frontal lobe was fully on-line. Nice to know it was horrible even before I could say it (sorry not in a real good place and hence, a bit bitter today). I don't think these memories are about active abuse per se, its more about not having care or attunement or being paid attention to. I suspect my mother was pretty dissociated because of her own past, so that when my affect got intense, she checked out. No idea what my dad was doing, probably wasn't bothering yet, because I wasn't old enough to be of any use (oh yeah, I think I am getting to the anger.) These feelings tend to be triggered by enactments in therapy or major stressers in my life. Tough work.


AG

My issues definitely revolve around pre-verbal stuff. I know there was deprivation after I gained speech - but pre-birth, traumatic birth, and the first two years - I was deprived by emotional withdrawal, lack of touch and attention and I know I would have been left alone for long periods to 'cry it out' rather than being held. I would have got some affection and some touch - but it was spasmodic. Then the discipline was harsh, very harsh and the environment wasn't the best. I learnt to be invisible and a nobody to survive. Learnt very early that if there was tension that I needed to escape for hours at a time to avoid the tension.

I clearly believe my 'damage' was done over these 3 years (ie pregnancy to 2yrs old) and I had no speech nor understanding.

I have always really felt extreme empathy to those videos about institutionalised babies in various countries and i often use examples to my T of what I feel.

Often it revolves around me being in a cot in a dark room and me crying out and no one comes, I keep trying and trying, but no one comes. occasionally someone might call out- but I can't believe that because it is only a voice and that doesn't belong to a person unless I can see that person and hear their voice. Eventually I give up and don't ever cry out even if I need basic comfort. I distrust everyone because no one is coming. No use depending on it, no use getting any physical calm from anyone's touch and comfort as they are going to disappear so don't get used to it.

The more I read about these stories and the effect of early infant neglect on attachment and my subsequent BPD - it all fits for me. Entirely fits. I don't have words for what happened - but I feel that I have a deep understanding and 'over empathy' for these type of issues and stories. Does that equate to having body memories of it? I am not sure as I don't have the words for it- just feelings in my head about it and a belief that it all happened to me.

I believe it is all to blame for my current issues and all my issues in my life.

I say to people that it is extremely difficult to 'cure' these issues when you are a child - but as an adult I feel it is near on impossible and furthermore it is embarrassing, humiliating, much more difficult, takes a lot longer time etc etc.

I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

My T doesn't tackle this head on, but through my long term trust in her and our relationship - is that gradually I can learn to trust others, accept care, feel feelings, depend on people etc etc - I am learning that through her. It seems a very passive approach - but anything fake or confronting would make me run a mile and never come back.

Somedays.

Thank you ladies so much for the thoughts, I really need help with this!!

It's so strange, T said yesterday when I talked with her about this that... pre-verbal doesn't mean necessarily a baby but stuff that couldn't be processed with words, too.

I can assume I was neglected with relative certainty - especially given the things I saw my brother go through but it could have been different for me. My Mom kept a detailed babybook about me for the first year or two. I know when I started to walk (have pictures, too), and said my first word (Dada), first teeth, all the presents I got for my first Christmas, other babies I met, my birth announcement, creepy stuff like my umbilical cord and a lock of my hair, immunization records, foods I ate.

So maybe I was well taken care of, then my newness wore off. Who knows. I'm very fortunate to have that though, and it makes me feel profoundly guilty about this pre-verbal stuff.

R2G - Yes!! It makes it a lot easier to swallow when you know your T is there and ready for it.

Monte - Good to hear from you, I like when you post. The bonnet story is interesting. Thats interesting your T can relate some of your behaviors and stuff to the pre-verbal. I know my ED T related my eating disorder to pre-verbal. I'm trying to go with the pursuit of feelings. The woods is not a fun place to be sometimes!

muff - Do you feel a lot of the emotional deprivation was pre-verbal? I can imagine it can be intensely so. My Ts have processed pre-verbal stuff too that I know still comes up. That's interesting your T has said so also.

AG - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time today - bitter is ok! I like (well, as much as it can be liked) what you said about lacking attunement. I think for me that MIGHT be what I'm going through because there is a lot of feeling of confusion like I was trying to figure stuff out without a way to figure stuff out. That's probably frustration and anger right there.

SD - I was a 'cry it out' baby too. That was still a big thing where I was when I was born. Horrible. I experience the over empathy also - I think many Ts do too, or people in healing professions (not all, but many). It is hard to go back and heal all that child stuff. Especially so as an adult because we do have that thinking part online For me I find it brings up a lot of judgement. I'm glad your T uses a roundabout way to get there. The relationship is key.

Hey Cat,

From what I understand, it's stuff that happened to us that we were unable to verbalize at the time and so it became something a part of our memories and we may act stuff out but that we never speak of it.

In my family, for instance, we weren't allow to disagree with my mother. So, if she said something I didn't agree with, I pretty much had to keep my mouth shut. As I became an adult, that is how I related to everyone. It didn't matter that the thoughts might have been running through my head. I couldn't verbalize them. This played out with my T for a long time. It's taken a lot of work to verbalize my thoughts and feelings because I got in a lot of trouble when I did so in my foo and keeping my opinions to myself was something that happened at such a deep automatic level of consciousness. I am always vaguely aware that these things are happening but not necessarily aware of the significance of them.

I would never have been able to go to my T and tell him that I wasn't allowed to disagree with my mother and so therefore, I am completely unable to do that with other people. It was just something that got acted out. The pre-verbal refers to the fact that the stuff never made it to the verbal center in the brain. I think.

' I tried to speak but had no memory of the events prior to resignation. I couldn't formulate any words to converse with him. '

This part of my dream is pre verbal, I think. I do remember it was very frustrating not to have the ability in the dream to communicate how I felt to my father/image.

" 'Boss' was too busy refurbishing and cleaning her ivory tower to notice me." This could also be pre verbal. It was a knowing my mother/image was not available to me emotionally.

In that dream,I concluded neither parent was available to me emotionally. My demands to have my needs met angered my parents, because their needs were never met.


"I don't think these memories are about active abuse per se, its more about not having care or attunement or being paid attention to." ..AG

These words describe my feelings of rejection. Emotional deprivation *IS* abuse/trauma of the worst kind.