Eliza
Getting through long breaks, especially when we are in the middle of working on forming a secure attachment can feel very threatening. It is important to try to hang onto our sense though, that as dangerous and threatening as it can feel, it really isn't. Our Ts leaving has nothing to do with us nor does it say anything about the relationship. Thinking ahead and being prepared is a good way to deal with it.

I just put up couple of posts on my blog on how to cope when your therapist is away (there's a link in the Countdown thread) that you might want to look at, especially the section on transitional objects, there are a lot of good ideas in there.

You have mentioned wanting the note in a couple of posts, so I think the best thing to do would be to ask for it at the very beginning of your next session (30 seconds of courage!) so that you have the whole session to discuss whatever your Ts answer is (honestly from what you have said about her, I'd be very surprised if she said no). That also gives you an excellent segue to my next suggestion, which is to spend the remaining sessions discussing your feelings about your T leaving with her. I think it will give you an opportunity to have these feelings heard and normalized and she will be able to reassure you about some of your fears. She may also be able to help you with managing the flashbacks. (I don't mean it will then be easy, but every little thing can help to ease how hard it is just a bit).

And I know its not as good as having a person present, but use the forum as a resource and a way to communicate with people who understand why this is so hard.

AG

PS Eliza, I don't know if you saw it but PF posted a great link to a website with a lot of ideas for holistically treating depression and I think some of the strategies would be equally applicable to getting through a Ts absence.

Treating Depression Holistically

quote:

in the past when the abandonment trauma has been triggered I have become very very unwell - severe eating disorder relapse requiring hospitalizations; and years ago my dissociation was so severe I very scarily set a curtain on fire and went back to bed

If you're worried and this has been your past experience, I'd set up a plan to go to the hospital if needed. May be triggering but it is much better than acting out the trauma and re-traumatizing yourself. I've done this before to avoid decompensating as a method to both plan (just incase it was needed) and as a method to be responsible for myself and commitment to heal. I have some separation anxiety but my T has left before when I've had other traumas and suicidal concerns.

(((eliza))) T's being out can be so hard!! My T is on maternity leave for 2 months right now. Fortunately I only have 15 days left until she comes back. I was so angry at her for leaving it's unreal, and I know there's no justification behind my anger besides that I didn't want her to leave. Something that helped me with this anger was writing her a letter in the notes on my phone. I doubt I'll ever show her, but I add to it almost every day. I vent out my frustrations with her and I even wrote that I hated her baby once, simply because her daughter was the reason she was gone, which I felt bad about writing but it made me feel better. As for feeling connection, I had nothing at first. No writing or anything. So I google stalked her literally every day trying to find stuff. Even though her facebook is insanely private, I found an album of like 60 pics from her wedding on a locally popular photographer's fb page... so now when I feel like I need something, anything to connect, I go on that album.

My advice for you would be to ask for her to write you something, anything - even if you have to lie and say you forgot her number/email, just so you'll have something she wrote. That would have made my longing a lot easier.

If you don't think it'll make things worse, I'd suggest setting like a countdown on your phone for the day you get to see her again. It's hard at first - especially for me, starting out with 64 days, which felt like eternity. But when the day gets closer, it'll make you more hopeful. At least, that's what it felt like for me. Everyone's different. It may also help with your abandonment trauma, because then you'll know she's at least coming back and your time without her won't last forever.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Sorry can't write much at moment but wanted to pop in and give an update...

Thanks AG I'll look at it when I'm able - bit too raw right now....

Catalyst - where I live yo can't just opt to go into hospital. Even if / when I'm very suicdial there are no beds / the psych system don't listen. They don't give a shite - and one of the huge things I am trying to face right now is a wrttien complaint about their lack of care over the past 3 years - their treatment (lack if it) has added to my trauma and in no way whatsoever can I lean on them, or reach out to them. If I'm suicidal / severely dissociated I cannot use them as it feels so unsafe

(I do have a very good private T I can see but she only works tues-fri in office hours)

Rachel - thank you for your encouragement.

UPDATE - I emailed my T Ts morning. Told her about the extensive nightmare I woke up from.

Shared my severe fears about dissociating to the point of catatonic; of being stuck like that forever.0, of not being able to physically leave her office and of her thinking I'm making it up and attention seeking; the intense shame if feel.

And I asked her - I said online forum talk about transitional objects' and I asked if maybe I could have a piece of paper with her writing on it, with her name, our next app time, maybe even some words of encouragement.

I asked her to please email me back if she can, reassure me she would 'know what to do' if I dissociate they badly; that she doesnt think I'm making it up; and hear she thins about the handwritten note.

I'm guessing she won't go into too much detail - she may not give me a reply about the note ... Our emails are not therapy stuff so much as me just updating her and let petting her one stuff. So I'm really just expecting she will say we will talk about it on Friday.

But I told her about it and I told her my want / need

I had to email it to her because I really do think there is a very very good chance I will shut down pretty severely in our last 2 sessions.

I've told her in the email I'm trying to find a solution - ie, if I can't talk, if she has pen and paper, maybe I could write stuff down

Or if I can't talk or move, but can hear her I will try moving my finger...

I can't blink to communicate cos my eyes shut, and I lie down cos I can't even sit up.

I've never dissociated so bad with another human being. I told her I don't do it cos I'm terrified of loading touch altogether and being totally unaware of what anyone does to me while I out to it .... I told her I don't have the fear - but I am afraid she will think I'm attention seeking; how if she tried to 'bring me back' I will fight it - why? Cos I dissociate that badly in the first place because I CANNOT cope with the PRESENT situation - so why the hell would I want to 'come back' to it???

How modified u am if it happens and I create a problem for her - like if I can't move or talk, how will I leave her office? And not fuck up her whole day????? And how two sessions ago, it was my deep shame and feeling mortified about making her run late for next person, that got me to move enough so I could leave her office (and go lie in my car til it passed and I came out if it)

Also managed to tell her I hope by telling her my fears and how I'm worried she won't know what to do, or that I'll be stuck like that FOREVER - that it won't happen.

Often, by sharing my huge fears, they becomes smaller and 'worst case' doesn't end up happening.

I'm sorry the hospital won't work out.

I don't think you will mess up your Ts schedule. If you can't move or go in shock she can send for an ambulance for emergency or psychiatric care, move you or move herself. So I wouldn't stress! If it's a thing that happens all the time treatment modification might be needed. Ts need to take care of themselves and other clients in addition to be attentive to our needs but we do not have to take care of our Ts. Hopefully you can ease off of yourself as far as worrying about her day and stuff. Maybe you guys can plan to have one of those clinic people that come to your house (so sorry - no clue the correct terminology) to come after session so you will have someone to talk with. A good T can hold the window. I too would assume my T would think I was attention seeking (even if unconsciously). She tends not to go in to emergency mode with me., when I dissociate she may just sit there sometimes with me. She says they are like I'm having a seizure that no input can possibly go in/out and so her talking would make it worse. Maybe your T could just be quiet.

I hope it goes ok. It seems you have a number of reasons a few things won't work unfortunately - I've found the hospital so helpful (I've never pre-arranged to go in, only made a plan for how I will get there and who to contact - I've had a good history with them and I'm sorry you haven't) so I hope the letter from her and maybe a snow trip or something can help.

thanks catalyst … sigh.

im so spaced out and half shut down, even with my family here. I've said its just that I'm really really tired … but its that i am half shut down. i can't drive like this, so my sister will drive us on our overnight trip. there will be no cellphone or internet coverage while there, so i wont be able to log on here for support. ill take my journal and write if i need to. its like i need to just lie still and close my eyes. its like everything is just 'too much' so i shut down like this. i couldn't force myself to snap out of it if my life depended on it.

i feel better having told my 'T all my fears. it helps knowing she wont get it for a few days - so it creates some distance between the intensity of why I'm feeling when i sent it to her, and her actually reading it.

I'm trying to hold onto the fact that i KNOW, for me, most of the severe anxiety i have about something is in the lead up to it; that once it happens, and it over, its not as intense. so it PROBABLY will be that the lead up to her going will be harder than when she is gone. i hope so anyway.

i took some prn meds and the anxiety has eaed, now i just feel spacey.

Hi EJ,

I hope your overnight trip offers you at least a bit of relieve from what your going through. As hard as I know it can be at times, I hope you will try to be as open as you can with your T with what your going through, and sharing with us here. Hang in there and know that you have friends here who care about you.

LongRoad

Hi ElizaJ,

I had a 3 week break, saw my T last week, and now in another 6 week break. I feel your pain. I usually see my T 2x week, but saw him 3x week before our first break.

Leading up to the first break I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and read it to him in person, literally covering my face with the paper. Talking through this letter, which was so terrifying I could hardly breathe, was probably one of the most helpful things for me. He was an empathetic witness, we talked through all my fears, and he was able to assure me of his care multiple times.

Instead of asking for one thing, I decided to ask for many! I am a very demanding client. The poor guy. I knew I couldn’t handle a no to a note, so I decided to give him plenty of options. From the seven things I asked for, I got three. The nos were still very painful, but I am so glad I have the three.

I researched how to regulate emotions because honestly, the first 6 days of the first break I was completely useless. I could hardly move, yet alone get out of bed. Out of pity for my children, I knew I had to do something. I finally came across a study that said the fastest way to regulate feelings is to be heard on a regular basis. Since my T was gone, I literally pretended he would hear me. I kept a journal specifically about my feelings for the day. At the end of each day, I would limit myself to two sentences and write a summary of my feelings. I would pretend to read it to him every night. I may or may not read it to him when he returns. In this moment, I don’t want to share it with him. But this exercise surprisingly helped me a lot!

T helped me realize I need to take responsibility for myself, too. So I’ve done the following until T returns:

Scheduled coffee dates 3x a week with different people
Volunteering 1x week
Meeting a group of people from church 1x week
Walking 2x week
Meeting with T2 (I was undecided about this for a long time, but I am glad I am doing this now)
Asked 5 people to pray for me so I have at least one person praying Monday-Friday (if you’re not religious, maybe asking a person to think good thoughts of you can help)

With all this, I am surviving. Barely. Some days are better than others. I thought I was going to die. I have 31 days to go and it’s going slooooow. But I’m taking it one day at a time. Just doing what I can. And trying to have compassion on myself.

Separation is not easy. I know that being with other people doesn’t always help. I hope you can find one or two things that can help you.


PF

thanks you LongRoad and PF

I just got back, my sister and niece had just left and I'm alone for the first time in most of a week. I feel quite spaced out, bit out of sorts due to the huge break in routine (i need routine).

I was still really dissociated on saturday. The nightmare i woke up from on saturday morning was so awful. I remember i was jolting in my sleep and calling out as well. Def the worst in a long time. It involved abuse, death, dead and dying bodies, someone trying to kill me, being killed, try8ing to get away, people not believing me or trying to help me - all the things of horror.

PF - thank you for all your ideas…

can i ask what the 7 things you asked for were? i can only think of a note.. i did put a couple of things in the email to my T - i said maybe a piece of paper with her name on it, our next app time, and then i put a note with something encouraging on it … i said ids seen it on an online forum I'm on, and how not every T agree's with it - how some say no cos it (and here i was dying to think up reasons why a T would say no???) encourages dependence and some Ts like clients to use other coping skill instead…

so i kinda feel i gave her an 'out' if she didn't feel comfortable.

either way, i feel i will find the conversation INCREDIBLY difficult. i have a very strong sense I will likely dissociate pretty damn bad just her mentioning it.. even if she says ok.

does anyone else find that it's more the asking and receiving a YES in terms of wanting a transitional object than it is actually getting one?

i ask because since i emailed her, when i think of her saying 'yes' and i actual do get the piece of paper or note, it doesn't feel the same as it did before i had the courage to ask… it doesn't feel special anymore - that's not the right word - it doesn't feel as …???? important? doesn't feel like i 'need' need it?

like it wouldn't actually bring me any comfort at all … ? like t old just be a piece of paper with writing on it …

Me C - I don't think it's a 'test' - maybe more processing .. ... Ie identifying a need, expressing it - and with that, a lot of the suffering I felt is lifted ... Because I have been able to express my need (NEVER got to do that as a child - I had no needs - they weren't allowed. If I did express a need, my mother quickly trumped it with HER need being BIGGER and more important.

Classic example being the day I hurt my ankle at school sports. I was about 10. It was sore - I just wanted my mum. But she want there after school to pick me up. Instead, her friend took my sister and I back to her house. I didn't know why, all I knew was I wanted my mum, I wanted to go home. She eventually came to get us, when it was dark and after dinner.

She was in a bad mood. I tried to tell her about my sore ankle - her reply "yeah well, I spent the afternoon IN JAIL!!!" . She won.

(((ElizaJ)))

Really hearing your anxiety about coping with your T being away. I'm wondering if the asking for a note is about finding out if it is ok with the T to have needs? If you could never have them as a child, then that question will be there - 'Will you (T) meet my needs if I have them?' The note simply being a representation of a felt need. So, it's not the note itself perhaps (although transitional objects can be very powerful at times), but her reaction to you that matters most?

I once had a transitional object from my exT. It was really powerful, until she casually said 'keep it'. At that point I gave it back... I only wanted it if if represented HER, if it was mine it had no use at all (it was just a piece of cloth she used once as a connection between us because I refused to let her hug me). I'm forever sad that I haven't got the cloth and that she would even think of giving it to me (stupid I know )

SB

(((SB)))

I very much relate - I think you've hit the nail on the head - it is that I think (that it's ok for me to HAVE and express a need).

I totally 'get' it too, your feelings and telling her to keep the cloth. I'd heave felt so hurt - to me it would have felt like she was just getting rid of something she didn't want ALTHOUGH I if she was a good T I doubt that's what her intention was - more just that she knew it was very important to you and she wanted you to have it, as comfort).

I meet my new caseworker this morning. I'm nervous. I hope we connect well - my T leaves in 11 days; I'll have 2 appointments with the new caseworker to feel I can lean on her while my T is away

((((ElizaJ)))) Hope the caseworker is a good person and helpful in her own right (she wont be your T, but she might be supportive in another kind of a way?)

Hold on in there - and to the fact your T is coming back again, you know this as an adult, but a little Eliza needs to hear it over and over from you 'T is coming back' perhaps?

sb

Thanks SB

Yes, she as nice - I will see her once a week, starting Sunday.

Live organised additional support for the end of the week. Phone call on Thursday and home visits Friday and Saturday from the mobile respite team.

Figure it's best to PLAN for 'worst case scenario' in terms if my app on Friday with my T . It's 4 days away and if I allow my mind to drift to seeing her Friday, I start to shut down - literally - my arms and legs go weak, the panic is so severe I don't even feel the panic - I just shut down.

I need to keep busy and NOT think about Friday.

Every time my phone beeps I panic a bit thinking it might be an email back from my T. Pretty scared as to how she will respond... As I said, I suspect she won't talk about the note, I suspect she will say we can talk about it Friday (which isn't an answer but if she replies like that I will try not to read into it as being a NO necessarily).

I am just so afraid of losing our connection ... a week inbetween appointments I struggle to hold onto her 'being there' or even existing.

Does anyone else have this same fear?:
Sometimes when I'm really panicked and dissociated, I start to think and believe (albeit briefly) she isn't real - she doesn't exist and I completely imagined her
?????

my T emailed me back... She said I'm describing some really hard stuff, that it's good I am letting her know, that she will bear in mind all I shared in my email when I see her Friday "and if course she will support me"and it's good I have thought about how to work through it / come u with solutions. She also said its good I'm saying what it is I need and "I think the transitional object sounds like a good idea".



Feel so mixed - happy, incredulous, and afraid ... it's not usual to be allowed to express a need or to have it heard and possibly met.

Overall I think of course I'm happy she thinks it's a good idea - I'm just not sure what else I feel in the mix of it all.

And I'm still not sure if I really still 'want' the note (or anything else). It's like you said SB - I think the most important part was being allowed to express the need I had.

I THINK even if I'm not sure I'd like it, I might just ask and take it anyway - because I can.

((((ElizaJ))))

I have had to do similar preparations so I know somewhat where you're coming from. Can I just say a massive well done in asking for something AND give a YAY! that she responded in such a lovely way. I know from (recent) experience that it is a bit bewildering and actually scary to ask and get, even if it is something that you want. Actually, that's probably why it's so scary, right?!

Glad you have other support in place, too. It's important.

thanks everyone ..

good list PF!

beestung - are you going to ask for a TO?

i see my T in the morning … not really looking forward to it …

i really don't know how i feel about the note / TO now … i feel numb to it - like if she handed me a note right now, it wouldn't mean much at all .. which is sad, cos when it felt special and important, it ouwld have meant the weld to me -= i uwd have carried it EVERYWHERE and slept with it under my pillow.

now i just feel felt about it.

oh well - might feel different this time next week .. of even when she is away.

i think I'm struggling with the power imbalance of it … i can't quite explain it …
\
maybe that to her its just a crummy piece of paper, and to me - it would be that special to me …. i dunno.. can't explain it.

ElizaJ: I feel so much for your situation. If you can relate to the caseworker, maybe it will help to see her as representing T a little, since they are connected. I know how nothing can replace your therapist, but I have found that someone connected in some way is a sort of transitional object themselves. I'm so glad you've taken emergency steps to help you through this absence. Waiting for T is so hard to do. Getting up the courage to trust T with your fears may inspire T to offer you more supports. For someone with your intensity of transference needs, I can't see any therapist wanting you to show more independence at this stage. (((hugs))).

Thank you skylynx (nice to 'see' you pop in - missed seeing y around here hope all is well with you )

I see my new caseworker once a week - on a Sunday evening, which - as long as work doesn't get in the way, should be good timing - help me get back on track for the working week ahead following seeing my T on a Friday....

I've only met her once .. She seems nice and I think I will be able to trust her - she is going to help me write my official complaint against the public psych system for multiple failings and what I feel are breaches of the law in terms of rights relating to 'reasonable skill and care' in my treatment over the past 3 years.

What it is with my T that I need so much is that she GETS IT. She doesn't just say she 'gets it' I know from the core if my being she really truly does get it. it's like she can see so deeply inside, and just knows what I'm sharing with her, the effect it's had and having on me.

It's incredibly validating.

I know my caseworker will 'know' my T going away is feeling hard and a difficult time for me - but I really don think a hone other than my T, can truly know how my T going away triggers so much if my deep pain and trauma from abandonment durng childhood.

It's the deeper understanding I need so badly in my life. I feel so safe birth my T. I feel I have a soft place to fall when things are hard.

Just knowing my T is 'there' in the background helps my severe anxiety. One example is - my city has been through hell in terms of several major (and one fatal) earthquakes over the last 4 years. We have had - literally - THOUSANDS of aftershocks. The ground barely stopped moving for a good 18 months - very shake felt signalled massive danger in terms if 'will this one be another fatal quake??!!!'

Knowing my T is 'there' helps me feel safer - if another big quake hit, I'd feel safer just knowing I had someone to turn to for emotional support and reassurance

With her leaving the country for a month, I don't feel I have anyone to turn to if another one hits when she's gone. Family and friends living out of my city don't get it - they cannot understand the trauma and fear - as much as they try to, it is impossible for anyone outside of my city to even vaguely 'get it'.

Experts say the 'rare aftershock sequence' my city has had, still leaves us with a 20% chance of another major, damaging and potentially fatal quake in the next 12 months. Prior to the first large quake (a 7.1, approx 10kms 'deep') the odds were less than 1%. Most of the time I don't live in fear of another one hitting - but with my T leaving, it's right back up there. I feel on edge just writing about it

..........

My strategy for distracting from the pain and fear if my T going away I've been focusing of writing my complaint. But doing so yesterday bought back the strong feelings of utter worthlessness and powerlessness I've felt at the hands if the public psych system. It left me feeling so overwhelmed and powerless I had to stop.

I want to go ahead with it so badly. I need to write it and send it in. What happened to me was wrong. I cannot afford for it to happen again - I nearly died more than once due to not being treated with 'reasonable skill'. And I can't stand the idea of 'how the hell do those who Re less insightful, less articulate than I am, manage to be cared and treated correctly?!!!!'

If I can express exactly what is going on, what I need, and it still falls on complete deaf ears, and noting done - how the hell does the poor psych pasting very unwell and doped up to the eyeballs on strong meds, even begin to manage? I have a health degree - I ended up having to treating myself a lot of the time.

It scares and angers me, that despite all I went through the part 3 years I'm 'lucky' given my medical degree and insightfulness!!!

ElizaJ - I already have, I'm already over a week through my own break. I thought about how godawful it was last year and thought something physical might help. It took me WEEKS to work up to asking - from my perspective my therapist seems to say 'no' a lot to things I ask for/want and I was terrified (she is kind but extremely boundaried, and not exactly 'blank screen' but often unreadable). I made sure I asked at the beginning of a session. Actually, I didn't even ask directly - I said, "I've been thinking about asking you for something over the break". Crafty! We laughed about my inability to actually ask outright. But she said she'd think about it and that it was a good idea.

The following week I brought it up again (because I am usually the one to have to bring things up and I didn't want it forgotten) and she had actually thought about it and brought a few things for me to choose from. She also said that they might not be right and that if I had any ideas that I could share them and that we could think about it. In the end I chose one of her things because it was better than anything I could have thought of and it was quite personal and genuinely thoughtful (a notebook, because I write a lot).

It has caused me a lot of anxiety though. It's definitely not as simple as asking for a thing, getting it, and that's that. I was scared to write in it, because I would mess it up and it's so neat. I was scared to write in it because what if I wrote too much and then it finished before the break and I didn't have another one? I panicked because I thought I might have to give it back (I don't). Etc etc etc. I finally wrote in it last night and still feel a bit uneasy about it.

Sorry if I've written too much, but your posts remind me of how I felt before I went through it myself, so I thought it might be useful to know how it worked for me.

we takes about it today - it was very distressing. it doesn't feel 'safe' to talk about it, let alone get anything form her.

it feels like she would be coming too close and invading me if i receive anything from her

Letting our session sink in some more - the positives are that when I asked if she had heard if a transitional object she said yes and then gave a perfect explanation if what it is

She said this more common in psychotherapy.

She was trying to find out what would be helpful - ie should she write something as well as the time and date if our next app? What sort if thing would be helpful? An acknowledgment of my abandonment and how it feels a validating how I feel is very real and very justified, given my past experiences?

sigh.

I really don't know.

My psych dr is away now for two weeks also

Both their absences will overlap.

At least I will still have mobile respite and the new caseworker.

I had a mobile respite care visit this afternoon and it helps so much.

I focused on my complaint and the aspects I feel strongly about. Finding something I feel passionate about is so energising and helps relieve feeling powerless and unmotivated and stuck and hopeless.

It's really strange, having people 'listen' and 'understand'. It feels uncomfortable, and creates anxiety. But I'm grateful for it anyway