Hi Mayflower it's good to see you around.

It sounds like you might be numb? Handling a new home and job is a big transition that can cause stress. The underlying sense of unhappiness "despite" things that "should" make you happy makes things really bad for my ED because on the inside I feel so inadequate and worthless. My ED T says that ED behaviors are sometimes like unspoken words - maybe pretending is perpetuating it?

I wish you could tell the complete story - obviously... I wish you could tell your T somehow. The possibility of it kicking up shame though can give anxiety, and then actually bringing it up brings a flood of stuff making (I know for me) ED and other coping stuff way worse so it is scary and it seems easier to pretend.

I play normal well too, I get hyperfunctional (I'm in a mode like that right now and yep... ED out of control... sigh) then I'm stuck alone with my self loathing

So, I know I wrote a lot about ME but knowing how EDs can work sometimes maybe it is useful information, I don't know. I do hope for you that you can tell your T.

Is there anything preventing you from seeing her more than every 3 weeks? Healing, both my Ts have said to me, isn't a straight line, it's more like a mountain scape... sometimes you dip in the valleys and it might be nice to have a guide walking through the bush, ya know?

Hey MF

It sounds like you're outwardly functioning bette but there are many unresolved issues inside.
Unfortunately our T's aren't mind readers and we do have to speak up which can raise all sorts of scary scenarios - them getting angry, being rejected, shamed etc.
However it would be cruel for a T to respond that way and these are definitely issues that therapy should be able to help with.
Good luck

Hi Catalyst,
I only see her once every three weeks because 'on the outside' I have improved enough to cope on my own without needing therapy. The Mayflower she gets to see is doing quite well. Obviously, I am the one pretending, but I pretend to be doing better than I actually am, because I want her to be proud. And she is.

Also, I should emphasise that I really am doing better. But, all things considered, I still can't really cope with life, and I'm certainly not enjoying it. Question is whether I should actually tell her and go back into this spiral of needing her and doing even worse when I am on my own or whether I keep pretending, and start trying a bit harder to realise how much I have improved... I feel like such a failure when even thinking about what she might think of me if I'd tell her...

Come to think of it, I've never told her the complete truth. I think I've always managed to pretend to be doing at least 3 times better than I actually am. So, now that I am doing 3 times better, I am actually at the level where she thinks I started at...

Being stuck on my own with my self-loathing.. I know the feeling.

But thanks for sharing your thought with me, I should tell her. I'll start thinking about it..

quote:

Originally posted by GreenEyes:
Unfortunately our T's aren't mind readers and we do have to speak up which can raise all sorts of scary scenarios

Hi GreenEyes, I know you are right.. speaking up just seems like doing the impossible. After all these years I am sooooo close to what I always wanted: I know she cares about me, I am not afraid to tell her things, she treats me as a normal human being and not just a patient... I know I'll lose that if I 'make' myself into the patient again. The only reason we communicate as healthy normal adults is because she thinks that I am one.