Soooo while I have no therapist, real smart.... but the impulse was too intense, I have decided to write my 'dad.'

I didn't intend to ask him anything much or mention anything surrounding our issues but just inquire about his health, thank himn for his last letter (couple years ago) that Im just responding to now.... (oops... yeh right) and I dont know..... guess I want to know for sure that he's still alive. Im sure he is but I keep having this awkward fear that he isn't but why the fear? I wish I didn't care... feel like I shouldn't

i believe it's all about early attachment.. I had good early attachment so thererore my brain is wired to think that way when last expereince should have destroyed it all but hasn't...

Anyways, the letter ended up being mostly ALL about trauma while not direct but I basicaly asked him for information that Im sure I won't get but I asked.

Right now, Im trying hard to access my feelings and it's incredibly difficult. I feel like ice is in my head and body. I can't seem to melt it. Im pretty shocked that I did this.... i can't rememeber his address.. at least not preciselu... I sorta do.. sorta dont... so i have to ask my mom for it and i dont want to cause i dont want any of her commentary about it. I know she will be soo happy but i dont want to hear that either... lol.

I plan to tell her please give me his address, dont ask or comment on anything related to it.. thanks...

is that really healthy.. i dont know?

I can tell you., actually I do have one overwhelming feeling or more like need and that is to fall back on my unhealthy coping mechanisim involving self harm. That's not a threat.. it's something I dont EVER talk about and it feels weird admitting it here and saying I feel like it.. thats the stronggest urge I have so im writing instead at the moment.

Gads i hate this and me and him

ugh

sorry this is such a sucky post