Hello, I don't think I've had an opportunity to talk to you yet - so welcome!

I'm so sorry you are embarrassed - this topic is so difficult to bring up to a T. Of course, I'm going to suggest going back... it's a common saying around here that when you don't want to go [to therapy]... is probably the most important time to go. Next week you could start with 'I have no idea what to say to you since last week'. I've started a number of sessions that way after I left with shame or talked about something that just... destroyed my heart after I left. That sort of invites my T to help me explore... while I test the water on what I can handle. Sometimes there, or silence while you collect yourself are good places to start. Not sure if your T is the kind to check in on the stuff from last session for continuity... my T will do that... but not always, depends on what the topic was last time and if we sort of left on a 'cliff hanger'. Sometimes I will say the scariest most vulnerable things right before I leave... so I can just leave after (my T and I have talked about this - that I'd rather leave slightly activated having said something than not and that sometimes a "hit and run" is easier). Overtime I do it a lot less, but... it helped for a long time. Since this came up at the end of your session and you kind of weren't prepared... that must have been difficult (at least... for me it would be).

I'll have to look at that book.

Thanks, cat.

I read it b/c I used to be overweight, lost lots, and my vision hasn`t caught up- and I have an ED (which he knows abt).
He`s always let me know I could bring in dreams, daydreams, etc. I thought by being honest and trying to bear the discomfort of a daydream being abt him- it would help me in some way. As he described what his opinion of what I wanted (the caresses) it almost felt like he was saying that I wanted a hand hold as a substitute for *you know!*
I was horrified and disgusted- esp since I now feel like a horrible person for admitting something (which I didn`t see as erotic at all.) Thanks for posting- it`s really difficult.

Ah, I have an ED too. I can relate to the 'eyes haven't caught up' stuff. I don't think my eyes will ever see right.

Oooh, I see what you mean about the *you know*. Maybe? You could ask him to clarify, I guess the word 'caress' leaves stuff to the imagination when maybe 'comfort' would have been a better word. If you guys have not talked about any erotic transference, etc. His interpretation is interesting, but the need for touch can be other things too - many things all at the same time, even.

Bringing your T in to daydreams to help comfort you can really help. It was the week before last my T said something to me about if I couldn't bring in anything positive that I could think of why not bring in that very moment with her to comfort me (well, my inner child but still me). It's helped... sorta..... but I start feeling guilty like I'm "taking up her time" somehow in my head.

My problem is that since I have a background in counseling (am one myself) I have always been trying to understand what he`s doing in our work- so I read, look at literature, etc. Sometimes, I think he`s clueless, but every once in a while, I see that he knows what he`s been doing all along. I want him to give me some credit for the fact that I am more tuned in to the process than most.
It just burns me that he now apparently thinks I`m coming on to him or something and is pulling away. I don`t find him attractive in that way, and I`m pretty sure he prefers the male gender in a romantic sense.