problems with my T

darockMember

hi there, i wrote in a while ago with problems with my T. i have had 3 diff T's since then. my current T and i are having the same problem that caused me to leave the first one. the other two i left for financial reasons - they were very expensive.

im convinced my T cannot help me and i come in there sometimes going bananas. "fuck you you dumb bitch this is a waste of my time...etc"
she feels strongly that she can help me and tells me if i leave it wont be easier elsewhere, that there is no other T that will make everything rosie and that i should not leave. I tell her that i am not looking for a T to make it rosie, i am looking for someone who understands me better and is not afraid of me when i get angry. she says that she does not know anyone who fits that criteria and i should not leave.
i feel like she has me in a double bind. staying is brutal, her empathy is so off sometimes, i go bonkers, its a crap load of work to get her to get me. if i leave, i may be making a huge mistake, if she is right.

she has tried to lock me up a couple of times because ive been so angry but i always talk her out of it. im safe and she is safe...id never harm anyone but i do become verbally very abusive to her. im male btw.

we are meeting with another T together to decide what to do. she says i am going to tell T that we are working together are you on board...im like fuck you we are going to this T to decide if we are we arent telling him that we are....another blowout.

im not sure if this is just too rowdy for it to work. she is sooooo dedicated and wants to stick this out, ive thrown everything i have at her and she still wants to work together. im not sure what to do.thank you.

2/7/131:36 PM

❤️ 0

Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

greeneyesMember

Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go.

I don't know your history but I suspect her misguided empathy and your sense that she doesn't understand are so provocative because they relate to earlier life where your caregivers didn't get you.

I also think your T has demonstrated she can withstand your anger and won't leave or reject you because of it. Maybe that scares you because you will eventually have to face other feelings that you worry will overwhelm you.

However there is a difference between anger/rage and abuse. I don't think it's good for either of you if the verbal abuse continues because it distracts both of you from looking at what is driving that in you.

Good luck

2/7/136:34 PM

❤️ 0

kashleyMember

Can you give an example of when her empathy was off?

I first want to agree with GreenEyes that no one can tell you whether to stay or go. But I would strongly suggest that you stick it out, because I suspect that your T is correct in that you'll have similar problems no matter who you see. With everything you've thrown at her, she's still sticking around and is very adamant that she wants to work together with you - that says a lot to me.

2/8/137:08 AM

❤️ 0

sdMember

This reminds me of what I used to do a LOT but not as often anymore. When I was starting to feel attached to T and uncomfortably feel that she cared for me, I would pick fights with her and throw all sort of shit at her. She would be calm and NEVER gave any hints that it bothered her, so i did some more and more. THen I felt defeated. She would be that same, calm consistent person who said "I will be here for you". In a moment of clarity I remember saying that I was trying to get rid of her because everyone else left me and if she kept sticking wiht me all that meant was that I didn't try hard enough to get rid of her.

My T just stuck it all out. SHe didn't look at the bad behaviour, she just saw the incredible pain of a very hurt person who found having any attachment very difficult.

Could any of this be relevant DaRock?
Somedays

2/8/137:22 AM

❤️ 0

avoidantMember

Just my two pennyworth here, but IMHO NOBODY, BUT NOBODY should be subjected to abuse, verbal or otherwise, whilst doing their job, whether they are a therapist or not. If I were you; I would count myself bloody fortunate that she still wants to work with you. It might sound harsh; but that's my opinion.

2/8/137:23 AM

❤️ 0

kmayMember

DaRock,
I am sorry that you are struggling with so much internally. It sounds to me like you have a strong, steady, amazing T. But I have to agree with avoident here...be careful. T's are human too and should not be objected to the kind of verbal abuse you are speaking of. I don't think there is another T in the world who would put up with that type of verbal abuse and still try to make you see that she is not going anywhere b/c she truly wants to help you. I hope things get better for you.

2/8/138:17 AM

❤️ 0

bltMember

I agree you're going to run into the same thing wherever you go. There is nobody in the world who can read your mind. You want to be understood, and it's so hard and frustrating for you to express what you're feeling and explain yourself. That may be a big part of the work of therapy for you...to walk through the frustration and anger and disappointment of getting someone else to understand you, and learn that even though they may seem incredibly dense about it, they will keep trying to understand until they do.

2/8/138:45 AM

❤️ 0

darockMember

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Perhaps some tough love is in order to help
Me knock it off.
I've been through this with another T and I left and was later
Told by two other T's that I should not have stayed ie that t was not suited for
Me and was making things worse.
This T is dedicated to working with me
But some of the comments make it seem like she is some placid
Sounding board who isn't provocative.
She gets quite defensive actually.
That makes me suspicious. Also she is completing analytic training and I am her
Training case. She is very experienced otherwise.
It's a nice ideal to say something like no one should ever abuse anyone
In their job or whatever but lets face it that's not real life. Where is an abuser supposed to go for help? She has not once asked me to stop which is odd.
Today after going nuts on her yesterday I apologized for being as I described, wild and she goes
Yeah you were reactive. I was an animal!! Reactive...
You guys help me to see that this lives in me not the T. That's what is important right now to see that distinction.

2/8/139:16 AM

❤️ 0

avoidantMember

Da Rock
No it isn't 'real life' as you say; unfortunately.
But as I said twice in my reply, in MY opinion
I find it totally unacceptable that anyone should
be subject to any form of abuse at work, and I
stand by that principle 100%.
Btw; have you looked into Abuse Perpetrator
Courses or dedicated Anger Management Courses
or Anger Management Therapy as other sources
of help?

2/8/1311:54 AM

❤️ 0

darockMember

hi avoidant.
i completely understand and respect your opinion.
i think this is more complicated than i let on. i actually know my T from another sphere in life and she may be able to tolerate some of what i say because she knows me in an entirely different light.
also, i do say mean things but we often have productive sessions so its not as though i just go in there and berate her for 50 minutes and leave.
i have a lot of problems with devaluing people. i feel very broken and my sense of myself is very poor.
this is the most intensive type of treatment someone can do. i dont think anger management etc are as effective as what i am doing now.
i gotta hang in there and get through this. its not easy or fun.

2/8/131:12 PM

❤️ 0

Skip to main content

Add Reply

Membership Required

Remove From Your Block List

Manage Follow Preferences

Block

Premium Membership Required

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.

Please wait...