I ask because I had a tough session with T today where I told him I ran into his wife in the parking lot and how badly that triggered me into the black hole of intense self hatred and disgust which came on top of getting the MRI results which upset me terribly by just confirming how damaged I am both inside and out. He told me that I could either fire him as my T or work with him to process the trigger. I just don't believe that is possible.
he asked me how it felt to see her and I said it felt like annihilation, like death. He asked me if she said anything to me or me to her and I said NO. He asked me to consider that she is not dangerous. That is totally impossible. He asked me why I thought she was such a trigger. We both have a few thoughts on this but there is nothing concrete.
He had told me that she did not work on Monday and I felt blindsided. I also told him that he did not protect me and left me vulnerable outside his office. He told me his office is safe but yeah... I still have to GET to his office somehow. He said he was sorry I was so upset and so devastated and I do know he was sincere. He said a lot of other stuff too but he asked me what the "core" feeling was underneath my reaction because he said my reaction is out of proportion to the "trigger". I said fear. Terrible fear. He said no... that is not the core although it's there. He told me it was my sense of worthlessness. I said oh that goes without saying, duh.
He then went on to say some nice stuff about me which I totally discount. He also talked about how I was pushing him away and rejecting our attachment. I told him I did not want to be attached to him because it will only bring disaster.
This is almost an instant replay of what happened with oldT. How his wife worked in his office and how badly she treated me and then they both violated my confidentiality a number of times. How condescending she was towards me. And how hard I worked to get past that. In the end I was abandoned, and so was my son. I was traumatized and the pain was horrific. When I looked for a new T I looked for one whose wife was not in the office and was not a T. This T did not have a wife in the office until about a year ago. She is not a T but a nutritionist. She recently got her MS and he gave her an office in his suite right next to his office door. She is basically on the other side of the wall. When I found out by seeing a brochure in his office I totally freaked out and we had a HUGE disruption over it. She was using her maiden name and I faulted him for hiding this fact from me when he knew what happened with oldT and his wife.
So he suggested that the oldT experience was part of the trigger and also the fact that my father stood by while my mom abused me over many years. And so yeah maybe this is the underlying issue but I still don't believe that he can make this all just "go away" and the trigger will disappear. He said he also felt that I was afraid OUR relationship would somehow change because of her being there. He said she would treat me nicely because I am important to HIM. Right
So, I was just wondering if any of you can either relate to this or am I just insane... or if you can talk about processing a trigger and just having it disappear poof... and never bother you or trigger you again?
Right now I'm feeling very hopeless and I just don't believe.
Thanks
TN
