Today's session went so much better than anything I ever could have expected. This past 11 days between appointments were difficult (ok, that's a slight understatment
). I did a lot of grieving about what my dad did to me, about what I may have lost all these years by believing what he told me. I spent time being angry that I lost what I did and for his selfish purpose. I spent time grieving that it was my father who did this to me. Then I spent time processing. Of thinking about the very foreign concept that what my father told me was a lie. That I wasn't unloveable and so unattractvie in every way that no one else would want me. I posted some of my struggles with that above.
I was really braced to go talk about all this this morning, feeling very anxious and scared, but I had a dream just before I woke up. At my last session, one of the things my T and I talked about was that I often have my eyes closed and my hands over my head when things get intense and I'm always a little shocked when I open my eyes to find the room full of light because it feels so dark. He has been encouraging me to try and keep my eyes open as much as possible so I can take in that I'm here and not there. Later in the session, I told him that I keep looking up expecting to see the walls of a cell, but realizing I'm in the middle of a field with no walls around me. (I definitely see my healing as an expansion of light, space and choices, so I often use spatial analogies). He asked me how I felt about being in that field (he is a therapist!) and I told him that I felt scared because I wasn't sure what to do. He said that the cell would have the advantage of at least being familiar. But then I realized something really good and told him that I also feel excited about being in the field, that it might be exciting to go see what's over the hill. But what if I picked the wrong direction or something bad was over the hill? And he answered, that then I could go over the next hill. That to be human is to have those choices and go over those hills. That led into a discussion of feeling like I was meant to have flown and my father clipped my wings. We're repairing them. OK, I told you all that so you would understand why the dream was important.
I dreamt that my husband and I were staying at friends and they lived in a house that was at the bottom of a long grassy hill, there was land all around. My husband and I were walking up the hill towards the sound of bells. As we crested the hill, you see spires of all kinds of churchs and buildings and bell towers (reminded me of Cambridge, England) and bells were ringing everywhere and sounded really beautiful. I suddenly realized that I was in bare feet and we couldn't go to where we were going unless I had shoes on. So I told my husband to keep going, I would go back and get my shoes and catch back up. The whole dream was permeated with a feeling of well being but when I turned to go down the hill, I got this wonderful sense of playfulness and joy and thought how much fun it would be to run down the hill. I took off running and then I started jumping, and because it was a dream, they were really long jumps, like being on the moon, so that I was almost flying down the hill. Then I woke up. As the dream came back to me, I made the connection to the field I had talked to my T about it. And I realized that in my dream, the field was a beautiful place and that I took off running with excitement and joy and no fear and then was almost flying. It was then I realized that sometime during that long 11 days I had broken the power of another lie. That not only did I realize a new freedom but it was wonderful to have. I was suddenly looking forward to my appointment.
When my T asked how I was, I told him better than I realized.
I told him about the dream and he thought it was a really positive sign. He asked what feelings I was having when I was running down the hill and I told him that there was an incredible sense of joy and being full of life. That things were perfect the way they can be in a dream, that I was so present and reveling in the feel of the wind, the sunlight, the feel of the grass. That I was so in the moment that I realized that this is what being alive was really like. He added something really interesting that I hadn't thought of, that not only was I enjoying the freedom but in going back for the shoes I was going back to get what I needed to move on. That was very cool.
So we spent the rest of the session talking about alot of my realizations about believing that I was worthless and unattractive in every way, and would be rejected was a lie. Those beliefs were shackles I have carried my whole life. That I was seeing a glimmer of what it would be like to believe that I was ok. I asked my T "but how can you know that what you believe are your good qualities are really good qualities?" He said, "you can't, not on your own." I keep forgetting that.
That's the point of having someone validate you so that you can learn that your ok. But when you hear something else you take it in on such a deep level that when later you see evidence to the contrary you can't trust it because you believe the truth is that you can't be good. And ANYTHING bad that happens, and bad things happen in all relationships because they're between human beings, that only serves as confirmation that you were right, you are bad.
I have yearned my whole life to feel as if I was worthwhile, loveable, attractive, to be able to rest knowing that I was ok. I believed that it would NEVER happen, that it was an impossibility. I had learned to live with my despair, we're old companions. But once again, my T showed me the way out of despair (what a strange and unexpected thing, to be able to move to the other side of despair, it never feels like there is one.) I am still learning, I know I'll relapse but I can accept that my being ok is within the realm of possibility. That's something I didn't believe before.
We talked about all my anxieties about our relationship being me looking for confirmation of my badness. But he just kept holding still and listening and reassuring me until I could believe that he really thinks I'm ok. And once I believed he believed it, I could believe it. I really love that man with a very deep feeling of gratitude. I've done a lot of hard work to get here, but I also couldn't have done it without him. I'm so grateful to have him as my therapist.
And I feel wonderful! Life seems filled with possibility and anticipation. I can't remember the last time I felt like this and I'm planning on enjoying it. Thanks for giving me a place to share this.
AG
(hahaha)
