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6 replies

Projection... or not

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I am struggling with this issue lately. Well, it's always been an issue but I'm running into it or around it more in recent weeks.

My T just accused me of projecting and I don't think I did as I'm trying to be really careful about this. I'm trying to learn. I sent an email in which I told him that I am feeling that he didn't understand the things I divulged to him and that I felt that he was pissed at me and it was all a mistake to tell him what I did.

He wrote back to me: "Be careful you are projecting feelings that are not accurate and contaminate our time together."

Can someone tell me what this means? And was I projecting? How can I tell him about the feelings I am experiencing if all he tells me is that I'm projecting and I need to be careful? I didn't say "you are pissed at me" or "I know you don't really understand". I told him I FELT that way. And why would telling him how I feel contaminate our time together? It causes me to hesitate on talking about how I feel about anything because I have to be SO careful and even then I'm scolded for having the feelings.

I would love some feedback on this because I am feeling more confused and the use of the word "contaminate" just reinforces my beliefs of being toxic.

thanks
TN
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affinityaffinityMember
A projection is when you think, feel, or assume that a person is thinking or feeling a certain way, because that's how you believe they should think or feel. So, yes, I think your T is right.

I agree that "contaminate" is a loaded word, but I understand the point your T was trying to make. It is very easy to form a response to someone based on your projected feelings about them. For instance, if you felt that your T was angry at you or disapproving of something you said, you would likely avoid saying anything similar in the future. It would become a trust issue. And that, of course, would affect your therapy because not only would it hinder the work, the impasse itself would be based on a false premise!

Feelings should reveal what you think about yourself or your reaction to another person's words or behavior. Did your T act in a way that indicated to you that he was angry or not understanding? If so, address the specific words or behavior in question: "When you said ______, I interpreted that to mean ______. Is this accurate?"

We all project to a degree from time to time. It's how we navigate social interactions. But when the emotional stakes are so high, it's better to ask and be sure.
L lieseMember
(((TN))))

My T used to use that word often and it meant a different things at different times. Most of the time, I think he was referring to negative.

If he is referring to true projection, then he means that you are projecting your true feelings into him: u are pissed at him but the feeling is too frightening so u project it onto him. Could be cause it's too scary to be angry at him.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Affinity thank you SO much. You really helped bring some clarity to this issue for me. I've been feeling so confused over this and trying not to take his words as threats or something really bad that I have done and I deserve to be punished in some way. I see him tomorrow and I am definitely NOT looking forward to it. I feel as if I'm being sent to the principal's office. At least I understand more about what he is referring to and I can discuss it (hopefully) with some intelligence.

Liese thanks for your response. Of course it's very scary to be angry with him because that threatens the attachment. I have been trying to manage the anger I've been feeling lately. Therapy has really been bumpy.

TN
MallardMallardMember
I think we all project and it's impossible not to. You can get better at catching yourself in the act. Here is a slightly different example from my own life. I spent *cough* a really long time angry with my husband after we went through something difficult and kept accusing him of not being invested in the relationship, when in the cold light of day (or couple's therapy as it is sometimes known!) I realised it was actually me that was having doubts about the viability of the relationship but because that was too terrifying to consciously deal with, I made it about him.

I'm not suggesting that's what's going on with you but I wanted to normalise what really does happen all the time.

I think I'd react really poorly to being told I was projecting in the manner you describe. I think that is down to how I prefer the power balance in the therapeutic relationship. I don't deal well in interactions that feel like the wise-knowing professional telling the layperson how it is and tend to not respond from my calm, adult place Wink That's only how it feels to me and I recognise I have a particular sensitivity in that area so it may not have bothered you in that way!
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Liese... thanks for asking. Things went really well today. I took a few risks and we had a good talk. T was very kind and accepting of me and I am more at peace today. I hope it lasts. I am still processing the session and I hope to post about it tomorrow.

Thanks Mallard for your thoughts. I can definitely see that some of what I'm feeling I'm thinking T is also feeling. It gets hard for me to separate the feelings and to make sense of them when I am so activated.

Hugs
TN

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