Hi,

I haven't been around much and it seems like there are alot of new people here -- very wise, compassionate people, I might add! Welcome.

I've been subsisting. My tendency is to crash and then, fight like hell to pretend I'm fine, and the sessions reflect that -- I will be distraught one session and the next I'm wondering why we're still meeting. I see it, but I can't stop it, and it exhausts me.

My T frequently talks about learning to find that middle ground. I'm not such a great student in this subject. I must have been particularly intractable today and entrenched in my denial because toward the end of the session, T listed a series of my childhood events and stated that in his decades of practice he's never had another client deal with one of them, let alone all of them and that there was still an incredible amount of pain that I still need to deal with. I joked (good at that when I'm closed off) that he was provoking me, and he claimed he wasn't but that it was important to portray the depths and truth because I'm so quick to shove it away and deny it until it seeps (or crashes) back into me and I can't manage it. And then, session ended.

I'm feeling provoked. Or if not that, rattled, and uncontained. I've returned to work, and I'm trembling, and I want to crash. He welcomes emails out of session, but I smacked into a boundary on those earlier this week and still stinging from it, so not eager to contact him out of session.

I'm not sure what I need. I think I came here because I know so many of you understand.