Gave this a shot today with T3 (who will either be my temporary T or long-term T, depending on T2).

It was interesting, and hard to just relax and go with it.

We talked about two feelings I had as a result of T2 being away for an unknown amount of time for his own recovery (T1 is obsolete now, except in my head). Fear and revulsion.

The object I chose for revulsion was a child's life vest. That was a biggie. I talked about how I didn't like being needy. That I was repulsed by my inability to stay afloat without help. That I was ridiculed for needing a life vest as a child (metaphorically and otherwise), and how I wished I could take the damn thing off of me and let myself drown. I even got some body image crap in there -- explaining that the life vest just made me feel bustier and fatter than I already feel.

So the thing is -- thanks for the insights, therapy. But what do I do with it all? I swear I can understand things until I am blue in the face, but it doesn't change that my core is one ugly, damaged, intolerable self. You know? I don't know that I need more insight into my crap. I want to be able to move on from my crap.

I imagine not having T2 disappear into treatment would help me move on from my crap. Bad timing, all that. Evocative of childhood wounds blah, blah, blah.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now. I'm not sure what my point is except to say that psychodrama is helpful in gaining more insight into myself, but doesn't repair anything. At least not yet.