I feel like I am posting a lot here this last week, and I hope no one minds… I'm trying to not pre-emptively apoligize for things all the time, but I so want to apolize for yet another post. This is going to be a long post too. I think I will try to come back and make it shorter later. It is ok if no one reads it, I think I need to get this out somewhere and not just stuck in my head or just in my journal on my computer.

I got triggered by my housemate on Sunday night. He did nothing seriously wrong. He has no idea I have PTSD or anything like that. He hasn't seen me when I've been struggling. But now, it is affecting my relationship, and I am triggered again today. I am so frustrated with myself about it and I don’t know what to do. I really think I should know, this is not that bad, but I am stuck.

I moved into a house with two housemates in July. Well, I used to have two housemates, and hopefully will have two housemates again soon. I only have one right now, and he owns the house. Great guy, pretty kind. It has been relatively easy living with him. My room is downstairs and his is upstairs. I’ll call him Andrew here.

This past October and November, stuff in my life got really bad. Despite everything, both of my housemates at the time knew some of what happened. What did happen is something I am being very intentionally vague here about for simple privacy reasons. It did mean I had to be away from the house and out of town for about 6 weeks. My housemates offered to take care of my cat while I was gone. They knew of what happened, why I was away, but they were not involved directly at all and said that I seemed to be handled it all pretty ok. The only thing they were directly involved with was taking care of my cat.

The other housemate that was renting a room in the house isn't here anymore. For the past month, it has just been the other housemate, Andrew, and I. Things have been going well. Even Andrew says this.

On Sunday, I got triggered by something Andrew did. I invited a friend over for dinner, trying to keep myself from self isolating. My friend and I bought food and brought it to where I live. Andrew was home and I introduced my friend, and Andrew was his normal friendly self. As soon as my friend went down the hall to use the bathroom, Andrew asked a couple of questions about a logistics/accounting matter with rent. I answered them, and noticed my hands got shakey. Andrew was being kind, everything was fine, but my hands were shakey. I told him that it wasn’t a great time to talk about it, and asked if I could get back to him later about it. He kept asking and talking about it and I got nervous. I again asked to talk later, and told him that I was more nervous than needed, and my friend and I were about to make dinner and just hang out. I was more firm, and said I would talk to him later about it. My friend came out of the bathroom then, and Andrew kept talking and asking me. He wasn’t aggressive in any way or anything, he just still wanted to talk about it. He was pushing on the boundary I was trying to have. The fact that he meant well, and was almost rescuing in nature about what he was talking about, only led to me being more triggered.

I started to go numb. I said to Andrew and my friend, if he couldn’t not talk about it then, I needed to leave, and sort of paced for half a second, and then went downstairs to get my keys. My friend has known me for years, and seen me in a much more triggered place. She stood upstairs, and told Andrew that really, now wasn’t the time to talk, and he should just let me leave. She came downstairs, as I went even more numb. I sat on the floor of my bedroom, feeling humilated and yet getting more and more numb. She asked what she could do and if she should stay or go. She offered to drive me anywhere. I wanted to tell her to leave, and yet knew that it was ok to trust her a little and maybe better for me if I accepted a little help, and just simple presence at that moment. I also knew I was getting numb enough that I was getting spacey, and I couldn’t find my keys to drive myself, and it was too late to just take off. We quickly agreed to leave and go get dinner out. (That made me feel better in a lot of ways).

I wanted to stay, and yet, I knew I just needed to leave. I was too triggered. Plus, when I picked up my phone to leave, I got an email from Andrew, that I think he sent earlier, about the very same matter.

Andrew seemed stunned as I came back upstairs to get my jacket, put the food in the fridge, and got my things to leave. He tried to talk then, I think he wanted to reassure me, make everything ok, and handle the logistical/accounting matter too. I was frank. I don’t know if I was rude or not. I wasn’t overly polite though, that is for sure. I told him I wasn’t ok with telling him now that was not the time for me to talk, and him pressuring me to talk, and I felt like that I tried to have a boundary that I needed, and he was pushing it. I told him that I felt like the only way to not have to talk about it right then and there, was to leave. I told him I was disappointed that my friend and I couldn’t just have a nice dinner. Just as I walked out the door, the front porch light was out. I tried to turn it on, only to discover the lightblub was partially unscrewed and loose. (I have no idea why.) I stepped back in, and told Andrew, sitting on the couch, that it was unscrewed and that wasn’t ok, made me concerned for safety, and I angrily added that he needed to “fix some things around here for once.” Then I abruptly left. I was rude then.

Andrew has been weird all week. We haven’t really talked. Often we will go for days without crossing paths, and we haven’t seen each other except for pretty quickly in person. I told my T about it on Tuesday, and we only got as part as to figure out why I got so triggered on Sunday, even before I told him I couldn’t talk, and it links to past trauma. On Wednesday, I emailed Andrew twice. My first email wasn’t rude, but also didn’t mince words. I initially emailed to resolve the logistical and accounting matter. I then later emailed again and said that I would appreciate it if I told him that I didn’t want to talk about a certain subject in the middle of dinner with a friend, I needed him to respect that. He emailed back while he was at work. He wrote it like I guess he might be towards an employee. Andrew wrote “your behavior was unacceptable” and “stomping your feet and being non-communicative is not ok.” My friend says I didn’t stomp my feet… eh, it doesn’t matter so much… He was also extremely defensive about the not-fixing things part. I feel ike I can handle responding to him about that and address it ok.

But the “non-communicative” part? I did initially communicate, and then left in order to not communicate further at the time. And I’m triggered all over again by him saying that it wasn’t ok to be “non-communicative.” He even added that he has seen a lot of things in his life traveling the world and working for his company in developing countries, and that my actions were not ok. I don’t really even understand how that even fits.

Andrew wants to talk tonight. I don’t see my T until next week. I might be able to get in to see her tomorrow… but dang… I don’t want to use more therapy time on this... Yet I’m so triggered that my hands are shaking again just writing about this, so whenever I see her again, I will be talking to her about it. The hardest thing is that my PTSD is affecting a friendship – and not just any, but the friendship with the guy who also is my landlord. If I had not been triggered, I would have talked with him about the subject he brought up on Sunday. Or I probably would have been able to hold the boundary without leaving. My hands wouldn’t be shaking now.

I welcome any thoughts anyone has. Thanks for letting me post this. And if anyone actually manged to read this really long post, thank you and I’m so sorry it is so long.

I really don't want my being triggered to affect how I handle this... ugh...

~ jane