Sorry. I just couldn't keep this up there. I appreciate all of your responses, though...thank you so much.
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((((Kashley))),
I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. I am also pleased to read that your T has been there for you and that you've allowed some of your needs to be known and have had them met.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you that the first time that my T held me (a part other than me was out) that I had quite nearly the exact reaction afterwards that you describe? Your description of what happened in the session, being unable to speak and then finally being able to state what that part of you needed sounds like what happens to me during a switch to another part (not saying you have DID by the way). After the first time my T held me, I ended up writing her a letter saying that she must have made some sort of mistake or that this was a one time thing and not something that was ok to need or dare to ask for again. I told her that I felt that I didn't deserve her caring. There have been so many times that T sat there with her arms around me and as desperately as I tried I could not feel it. I couldn't feel anything and I would sit there nearly in tears, but unable to cry and frustrated that I could feel nothing. She was right there and I couldn't feel it!!
Now, if it makes you feel any better at all to know that this gets better and it is normal and just your defenses kicking in to protect you because your body is confusing the past and the present then read on. Over time, as I (and other parts) have come to trust that our needs are not bad and it is ok to ask for T to comfort us and accept that comforting it has been easier and easier to feel her. To actually let the caring in, to feel it, to sob while she holds us and have it be ok. I'm not saying that it is always that easy, but over time that wall has come down more and more. I can also say that once I was able to really let T in and really start to feel her presence and her caring we have made great progress in our relationship and in the work that I've been doing.
So, I hope that you can see that this is all a normal part of the process and there isn't anything wrong with the defenses that your body is throwing up right now. You will get there, slowly and over time, but you will get there. You deserve the caring that your T is showing you and you deserve to be able to feel it and you have nothing to apologize for.
((((hugs))))
I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. I am also pleased to read that your T has been there for you and that you've allowed some of your needs to be known and have had them met.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you that the first time that my T held me (a part other than me was out) that I had quite nearly the exact reaction afterwards that you describe? Your description of what happened in the session, being unable to speak and then finally being able to state what that part of you needed sounds like what happens to me during a switch to another part (not saying you have DID by the way). After the first time my T held me, I ended up writing her a letter saying that she must have made some sort of mistake or that this was a one time thing and not something that was ok to need or dare to ask for again. I told her that I felt that I didn't deserve her caring. There have been so many times that T sat there with her arms around me and as desperately as I tried I could not feel it. I couldn't feel anything and I would sit there nearly in tears, but unable to cry and frustrated that I could feel nothing. She was right there and I couldn't feel it!!
Now, if it makes you feel any better at all to know that this gets better and it is normal and just your defenses kicking in to protect you because your body is confusing the past and the present then read on. Over time, as I (and other parts) have come to trust that our needs are not bad and it is ok to ask for T to comfort us and accept that comforting it has been easier and easier to feel her. To actually let the caring in, to feel it, to sob while she holds us and have it be ok. I'm not saying that it is always that easy, but over time that wall has come down more and more. I can also say that once I was able to really let T in and really start to feel her presence and her caring we have made great progress in our relationship and in the work that I've been doing.
So, I hope that you can see that this is all a normal part of the process and there isn't anything wrong with the defenses that your body is throwing up right now. You will get there, slowly and over time, but you will get there. You deserve the caring that your T is showing you and you deserve to be able to feel it and you have nothing to apologize for.
((((hugs))))
(((((Kashley))))
I'm kinda going through a simillar battle with my T. It sorta hit me that I feel ok and safe with her, that I could probably ask her for what I needed... and realizing that, it freaks me out. I want to run so far and so fast... or I feel nothing. At all. I even asked my T today, "do you think I am a jerk for not feeling anything about this? You are doing something really kind and it hit's me flat." Yeah, I really actually said that out loud. I did so because I felt like such a sick freak that was wasting her time and I could not stand myself because of it.
You know what my T said? She said no, it was totally ok. "It is really hard for a lot of people to receive kindness and grace and acceptance." (You are so not alone on that!)
You know what else she said?
"It's ok it if takes time to be able to take it in. It's really ok."
I had some friends who did something really kind for me and really, it honestly didn't hit me until almost a year later. At the time, when they did the really kind thing for me, I was terribly thankful on the outside, and I meant everything, but on the inside, I was just empty and numb emotionally. It took almost a year after the fact my emotions to "catch up"... but it still sunk in.
You are not wasting your T's time. Your T is not wasting her time.
I'm really proud of you for telling her that part of you wanted to be held. That's really courageous. And then to let yourself be held? That's a big step! It's ok, very ok, to not feel anything about it right now. (or ever. Maybe you will, but it's ok too if you don't.)
And, it's not like you need to feel a ton of stuff because you had a need met.
(section deleted here to take out some personal information, just me and my stuff.)
It will take time, practice, a lot of experience, for our brains to change too.
I'm so proud of you too for telling your T of how you are struggling now and for getting help to limit your meds. (I did that once, and it helped - and the pharmacy was super cool about it.)
Kashley, you have a right to be in therapy. It's ok. It sounds like there's stuff you need to work on, and you are doing the work.
It sounds like... maybe... you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be able to reach certain goals or expectations you have for yourself in therapy? It sounds like you feel like maybe if you can't receive or feel certain feelings in response to your T's actions then you should not be in therapy at all? It seems like you are judging yourself very harshly too.
Part of therapy is learning you have a right to feel whatever you feel. That it's ok to feel the way you do.
Feeling numb sucks. I hate it. It is even worse when I feel like I can't un-numb and feel anything. But I am begining to learn to accept me even when I feel that way.
Feeling numb is often a way for people cope with what we are not quite ready to feel. It could also be just what you feel.
It's ok to feel what you are feeling... it's ok to be numb in response to yout T (even though it sucks miserably) ...and I say this only because I get a sense from your post that maybe you feel like you have failed (please forgive and ignore me if I am totally off track) but if you do feel that way, try to take the pressure off yourself... because you haven't failed at all...
No matter what, you still deserve kindness and what your T is offering, even if you can't have the response you want to have right now.
hang in there and keep posting... (if it helps you)
p.s. if I've said anything stupid or totally off track, please forgive me/ignore it. My head is scattered but just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hoping it goes better soon.
I'm kinda going through a simillar battle with my T. It sorta hit me that I feel ok and safe with her, that I could probably ask her for what I needed... and realizing that, it freaks me out. I want to run so far and so fast... or I feel nothing. At all. I even asked my T today, "do you think I am a jerk for not feeling anything about this? You are doing something really kind and it hit's me flat." Yeah, I really actually said that out loud. I did so because I felt like such a sick freak that was wasting her time and I could not stand myself because of it.
You know what my T said? She said no, it was totally ok. "It is really hard for a lot of people to receive kindness and grace and acceptance." (You are so not alone on that!)
You know what else she said?
"It's ok it if takes time to be able to take it in. It's really ok."
I had some friends who did something really kind for me and really, it honestly didn't hit me until almost a year later. At the time, when they did the really kind thing for me, I was terribly thankful on the outside, and I meant everything, but on the inside, I was just empty and numb emotionally. It took almost a year after the fact my emotions to "catch up"... but it still sunk in.
You are not wasting your T's time. Your T is not wasting her time.
I'm really proud of you for telling her that part of you wanted to be held. That's really courageous. And then to let yourself be held? That's a big step! It's ok, very ok, to not feel anything about it right now. (or ever. Maybe you will, but it's ok too if you don't.)
And, it's not like you need to feel a ton of stuff because you had a need met.
(section deleted here to take out some personal information, just me and my stuff.)
It will take time, practice, a lot of experience, for our brains to change too.
I'm so proud of you too for telling your T of how you are struggling now and for getting help to limit your meds. (I did that once, and it helped - and the pharmacy was super cool about it.)
quote:And even though I know that I'm not supposed to be completely numb from my emotions, that that's not "normal," I feel like since I'm functioning normally, working, going to classes (and doing well), able to enjoy myself with friends, helping others, and literally feel like nothing's wrong, I feel like I have no right to be in therapy and taking up my T's time because I'm perfectly fine. And it seems like I should be able to fully appreciate what my T is doing for me if I'm going to receive what she's giving, so I feel like a fraud since I can't do that.
Kashley, you have a right to be in therapy. It's ok. It sounds like there's stuff you need to work on, and you are doing the work.
It sounds like... maybe... you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be able to reach certain goals or expectations you have for yourself in therapy? It sounds like you feel like maybe if you can't receive or feel certain feelings in response to your T's actions then you should not be in therapy at all? It seems like you are judging yourself very harshly too.
Part of therapy is learning you have a right to feel whatever you feel. That it's ok to feel the way you do.
Feeling numb sucks. I hate it. It is even worse when I feel like I can't un-numb and feel anything. But I am begining to learn to accept me even when I feel that way.
Feeling numb is often a way for people cope with what we are not quite ready to feel. It could also be just what you feel.
It's ok to feel what you are feeling... it's ok to be numb in response to yout T (even though it sucks miserably) ...and I say this only because I get a sense from your post that maybe you feel like you have failed (please forgive and ignore me if I am totally off track) but if you do feel that way, try to take the pressure off yourself... because you haven't failed at all...
No matter what, you still deserve kindness and what your T is offering, even if you can't have the response you want to have right now.
hang in there and keep posting... (if it helps you)
p.s. if I've said anything stupid or totally off track, please forgive me/ignore it. My head is scattered but just wanted to say I was thinking of you and hoping it goes better soon.
(((((Kashley)))))
I am so sorry for the pain. I realte to your sense of feeling like a fraud, that none of it is real, and that you don't deserve this care...and the inability to feel- how frustrating and dibilitating- that is. I too function normally and can "enjoy" myself, time with friends, etc, much of the time. And I expereince that sense of emptiness and loss and aloneness, that is so painful, Kashley, and I believe it is very, very real, although it is so hard to accept that, and maybe, we are finding many clever means to avoid the realness of our pain. I think that sometimes. Your T is there to help you through that pain, when you are ready. these are just my thoughts, bear in mind. I am so glad you have a supportive T who is there. It sounds like she understands all of this. I hope you are ok, and finding some support here as well as in real time.
BB
I am so sorry for the pain. I realte to your sense of feeling like a fraud, that none of it is real, and that you don't deserve this care...and the inability to feel- how frustrating and dibilitating- that is. I too function normally and can "enjoy" myself, time with friends, etc, much of the time. And I expereince that sense of emptiness and loss and aloneness, that is so painful, Kashley, and I believe it is very, very real, although it is so hard to accept that, and maybe, we are finding many clever means to avoid the realness of our pain. I think that sometimes. Your T is there to help you through that pain, when you are ready. these are just my thoughts, bear in mind. I am so glad you have a supportive T who is there. It sounds like she understands all of this. I hope you are ok, and finding some support here as well as in real time.
BB
Kashley - I’m so sorry you lost that special simple sweet interaction with your horse! 
It sounds like it was run over with heartache and problems.
(section deleted to take out personal information, just me and my stuff)
I can really relate to what you said about other's expectations. I’m constantly striving and pressuring myself, in therapy and in life, to meet everyone’s expectations, and my own - which are always beyond impossibly high. I dunno why. I wonder if I’m afraid others will leave or hurt me if I don’t meet to what they expect, or I fear that my life will be miserable - and that’s so hard for me to get past. It's so fear based, and it isn't not logical...
“I think any pressure I put on myself is to meet what I perceive others' expectations are for me...my T in this case. Although she's told me that we can go as slowly as we need to, that all of this will take time, that I should try and be patient with myself, I still have this idea that I'm not doing something right. Or, if I am doing something right at the moment, there's only one small thing that I have to do wrong that will make her tired or frustrated with me. It's a state of constant worry. You're so kind, Janedoe. I always feel as if I failed at something or that I'm only one step away from failing, no matter the rapport I build with someone.”
I can so relate! I am forever endlessly expecting that I will fail at something else or screw something else up and that will be it. I’m often more afraid when the relationship is deeper or means more. I figure one more misstep, one more mistake, and that will be it. The whole thing will fall over the cliff. I CONSTANTLY feel like I am not good enough, and somehow always too much - I want to be invisible and disappear and yet seen and heard so desperately. (It’s so much easier to risk with horses than humans!)
“I feel a bit like I'm in a state of limbo between wishing the world would forget about me (namely my T) and wanting to reach out and find something different and healing. The urge to retreat is a lot stronger right now, though.”
Maybe you need a break or maybe you need something different...(?) just try not to run and hide because you don’t feel like you don’t deserve kindness or because you feel like a failure just because particular act of kindness led to feeling numb right now. It's ok to feel that way, and it's also very true that YOU DESERVE KINDNESS! Just for being you, just as you are.
You are doing a lot of good work Kashley, even if it feels totally numb or like nothing or you feel like an awful failure - you are not! you really are doing a lot of great stuff... and I’m not just being kind, it’s TRUE!
and it is very ok if you don't believe that right now about yourself. I'm right there with you. It's much easier to believe it and see that for others that it is to see for myself. (which is why we need others and T's to help us and to remind us - a gazillion times over.)
I'm rambling... just know I'm thinking of you and hoping today brings some relief and things get easier. do keep posting (if it helps you)
It sounds like it was run over with heartache and problems. (section deleted to take out personal information, just me and my stuff)
I can really relate to what you said about other's expectations. I’m constantly striving and pressuring myself, in therapy and in life, to meet everyone’s expectations, and my own - which are always beyond impossibly high. I dunno why. I wonder if I’m afraid others will leave or hurt me if I don’t meet to what they expect, or I fear that my life will be miserable - and that’s so hard for me to get past. It's so fear based, and it isn't not logical...
“I think any pressure I put on myself is to meet what I perceive others' expectations are for me...my T in this case. Although she's told me that we can go as slowly as we need to, that all of this will take time, that I should try and be patient with myself, I still have this idea that I'm not doing something right. Or, if I am doing something right at the moment, there's only one small thing that I have to do wrong that will make her tired or frustrated with me. It's a state of constant worry. You're so kind, Janedoe. I always feel as if I failed at something or that I'm only one step away from failing, no matter the rapport I build with someone.”
I can so relate! I am forever endlessly expecting that I will fail at something else or screw something else up and that will be it. I’m often more afraid when the relationship is deeper or means more. I figure one more misstep, one more mistake, and that will be it. The whole thing will fall over the cliff. I CONSTANTLY feel like I am not good enough, and somehow always too much - I want to be invisible and disappear and yet seen and heard so desperately. (It’s so much easier to risk with horses than humans!)
“I feel a bit like I'm in a state of limbo between wishing the world would forget about me (namely my T) and wanting to reach out and find something different and healing. The urge to retreat is a lot stronger right now, though.”
Maybe you need a break or maybe you need something different...(?) just try not to run and hide because you don’t feel like you don’t deserve kindness or because you feel like a failure just because particular act of kindness led to feeling numb right now. It's ok to feel that way, and it's also very true that YOU DESERVE KINDNESS! Just for being you, just as you are.
You are doing a lot of good work Kashley, even if it feels totally numb or like nothing or you feel like an awful failure - you are not! you really are doing a lot of great stuff... and I’m not just being kind, it’s TRUE!
and it is very ok if you don't believe that right now about yourself. I'm right there with you. It's much easier to believe it and see that for others that it is to see for myself. (which is why we need others and T's to help us and to remind us - a gazillion times over.)I'm rambling... just know I'm thinking of you and hoping today brings some relief and things get easier. do keep posting (if it helps you)