((Becca)) I'm so sorry you're hurting and that you don't get to go through everything you want to in session (that happens to me too!)

I do throw up roadblocks, or bring up topics that ultimately hurt me. With the roadblocks my T helps me work through them - she's sensitive but she will push (both of them will) where I'm resisting. They know when to push and went to fold based on how I'm feeling. Your T may see the roadblocks and if she feels you are already activated or near to be over activated she may not challenge or push them. I had this 'PUSH ME!' conversation w/ my T before and she told me that exact thing. She's very careful. My other T pushes me a lot more, I think her style is just different.

When I've talked about things to avoid subjects, or stuff that was counter productive I've told my T. I had something last week where I went on a tangent that was actually feeding my ED. So next session I said... hey I need us to help me not do xyz when we're talking. So she and I thought of some solutions. If there are things you think your T is doing, or things you think your T is letting you get away with this might be a good way to approach fixing those.

Some Ts won't really push on defenses and some go gang busters. I'm really sorry you are feel ing so frustrated

Are you able to call or write between sessions?

(((Becca)))
It may be about "roadblocks" I'm not sure, but maybe it is also about wanting to sort out all of the problems you have, but knowing that you can't deal with them all in length with only one appointment per month, and so perhaps you try and touch on a whole lot of problems, because they are sort of interlinked in their affects. Then when you've done that you realise that you are skimming the surface of all of them, but never really dealing with any one of them in detail???

I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to making your time count and it's hard. I don't know if that is how you feel or not?



B2W

Becca,
I know you've talked about why only once a month, but do you mind my asking for a reminder of why you can only go that often? When I am really working in therapy, I usually go once a week (I've never gone more often than that except for an odd emergency) but going monthly has always been either about transitioning out of therapy or just for stability rather than a lot of processing. Of course you're throwing up roadblocks, I would be if I knew I was going to open something up and then have to contain myself for a month. It's kind of like deciding to clean out a closet one hour before guests are arriving for a party. You can't be sure you can get it done, so why start? So I really think that it's about the timing and not about you're not working hard enough.

AG

Cat, I think you are on to something. I am very activated, I have a very hard time sitting still when she is there looking at me. I routinely ask her if my movement is distracting to her. She says no, but I don't know how it can't be. So maybe she thinks she will stir things up even more. Well, I do want her to push because I could sit there for another year and I don't have that time. Thank you.

B2W, that is how I feel. I don't go very deep and I feel like, oh I get to talk about this for 5 minutes, oh this warrants 15 minutes. It's not real and I don't operate well that way. It sounds like you are a monthly also. It sucks, doesn't it. Thank you.

Hey AG, you are the best. I can only go once a month because of cost. Only working part-time and she isn't covered on my insurance plan. You know I was thinking it feels like maintenance instead of therapy. I need more really really bad. You are right about the closet analogy. I might just use that with her if you don't mind. I do get scared though if she moves in closer and she is completely aware of that, but these roadblocks and this monthly dance, have really got to stop or I am going to run of time. Thank you.

Becca,
Glad the analogy helped, and always feel free to use anything I've written with your T if you think it will help. I think it's good that you're going to talk about this.

AG

Becca

I'm sorry you seem to be having a tough time w/therapy currently. I usually go monthly to my T too. I feel like I bring up many random problems here or there, but we don't go deep enough or do much work. I'm not sure I'm explaining it the right way. Your post hit home with me though. I usually have so much stuff stored up from a month to tell T and that 50 minutes isn't long enough. I tend to only get to half of my list of things to talk about. Throw in her conversation and questions and we barely have any time to work deeply. Sometimes it just feels like going in for a chat with a friend for a while instead of deep therapy. It doesn't seem productive. I notice that certain things that are on my list I don't bring up at all depending on T's mood that day. I know that shouldn't stop me, but it does. If she is not in the best of moods, I don't bring up what is bothering me about our relationship. Come to think of it....I don't think I've given her anything but positive feedback. Part of my problem is shutting down and withdrawing when people get too close or when I feel I can't trust them. At that point chit chat feels more comfortable, but then I'm not working on what I need to work on and I beat myself up for it later. I know I only have a few months more of therapy (4 or 5 sessions) with my insurance plan, so I know I need to unfreeze and actually do some serious talking and work in therapy.

Catalyst-That's awesome that you can go in to your T and tell her what you need and to ask her to help you find solutions to not do xyz. That's one of my problems is that I don't know how to ask T for help or what it is I need from her. Hmmmm....I need to think about this....

Well, Becca, I hope things improve for you in your therapy. You are not alone.

Hi, Becca- nice to meet you..!


Born to Write said:

quote:

It may be about "roadblocks" I'm not sure, but maybe it is also about wanting to sort out all of the problems you have, but knowing that you can't deal with them all in length with only one appointment per month, and so perhaps you try and touch on a whole lot of problems, because they are sort of interlinked in their affects.

I thought this was really well-put, and I too, relate so much to your struggle, because before I had weekly therapy, I made no progress at all, in fact, I went backwards. And it was a panicky feeling, to have only one hour to cover such a vast array of issues, that it made me freeze. Such a scary feeling isn't it? Some kind of re-enactment happening there, probably. My old T would not make himself very consistently available to me, so I froze more, and more as time went on. It's a helluva situation to be in, when you can't afford more sessions. Are you attached to your current T? I'm just asking, because where I used to be from, you could get "sliding scale" therapy through the county from a government funded therapist (who was really nice) and I paid only 20 dollars a session. That seems like a lot, but I too was working part time, min wage at that time, and somehow or other, I was able to make it stick. I think I wnent weekly- that was long ago, I can't remember much. I wonder if you could get additional therapy through the county or something. sorry I did not know where you are from or how it works, so diregard this if it's not helpful at all.....but I just want to sympathize- once monthly therapy is such a catch 22 situation. One thing that used to help me ws when T would say: "You know, all of your issues hang together, so if you cover even one small topic, it will still affect all the other areas of your life that also need addressing."

I think that's really, really true, at least, I have found it to be, and it's helped me give myself permission to "just pick something" and focus on that.

Big hugs,

BB

hi becca,
i too know what its like to go monthly and i really feel for you... luckily for me it was only temporary, after a few months my T was able to offer me weekly sessions. but i remember how hard it was and how confused and conflicted and helpless and frustrated i felt. it felt pretty much impossible to achieve much in that 50 min once a month, it felt more like just keeping the connection and holding on to something that stabilised me slightly and gave me hope.

if you can only do monthly now, do you see the possibility of weekly sometime in the future, hopefully not too far away? does your T know how hard it is for you and that you really need more than this? i'm just wondering if you have told her how you feel about this because if she doesn't know she might think that once a month is ok for you right now. i know that i didn't use to tell her how hard i was finding it, until i felt like i had reached my limit and i had to tell her i couldnt do it anymore.

also wondering if she would do 'sliding scale' fees, charge less now and then go back to full fee when you're able to afford it? i know some therapists do that.

one more question (and i'm sorry if i'm being too nosy) but how do u feel about her, are you really attached to her? or do you think you would be able to start with someone new - if for example you found someone who could offer you weekly sessions at a reduced fee...?

i am sorry i dont' have any answers and have just bugged you with more questions... i know how hard it is and i hope you can at least find some hope or answers for the future and then at least you know the monthly thing is only short term.

hugs,
puppet

Athenacus, BB and puppet, thanks for chiming in, I can use all the the help I can get. I am extremely attached to my T. Probably too damn much for my own good. Could be part of my problem.

I really hate asking for anything from anybody. I pretty much believe in paying my way, and I would feel really awful having to ask for a discount. It is so against my nature. If I do and she says yes, could she possibly feel resentment?I don't think I am a very easy client. She has told me that I am a complicated person. Lovely.

I do think my issues are interlinked, with the main one being completely scared shitless of closeness. All of us on this forum know this tango. Close...close...close...run like hell for safety. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It is so time consuming and draining, yet I can't stop trying to learn how to get it. She knows I'm dancing and is very, very patient, but for christsake I don't want to be doing therapy in the nursing home.

Anyway thanks for the input. Us once a monthers will keep plugging away, because if we don't we have nothing else.