Hi Unbroken,

My T has also said this to me! She says I have a fear of intimacy (emotionally NOT sexually!) too.......I have no idea what Im doing either but I do find it hard to get close to people (even if they think we are close, I know Im holding back, if that makes sense?) My T says that she feels like she has to 'Back off!' but she doesnt know why either haha, I def dont say that and its not that obvious body language wise if I was feeling that way, she just says that sometimes humans just 'know' instinctively when someone is closed/vulnerable etc etc.....

If you find out what youre doing to push away...please let me know haha!

Take care
Luc x x

Unbroken and Lucy,
I have heard this from the first time I walked into my T's office. Finally, I asked my T why my T felt like that and my T said body language says a lot! You can read a lot by someone's body language.
So, with body language and them being your T.. I'm sure they have a good sense if you're willing to share information or not. I'm sure all of those years in school taught them something too lol.
Why don't you ask next time you see your T? Mine pointed it all out to me.

Luc--If I find out, I will be sure to let you know. I always think that I come on too strong, which maybe is what I am doing with T BUT I can't imagine that being so because I have HELD back so much. I know the limits and I haven't really crossed them. (I would have normally been spewing LOVE for T all over the place, but I have resisted that urge SO much.) Ha! Well, if I find out I will post here for sure.

Motivated--Hmm, I am going to watch my body tonight and see how I behave. I am also planning on asking her outright what she meant by that comment. So, I might glean some good information.

I push people away a lot by not receiving what they offer me. A scenario I might do this with T is if he says something good about me (praise/compliment) and then I explain why it's not justified. Or he says something compassionate/comforting toward me and I follow up by minimizing or explaining away whatever he was being understanding/caring about. Like if I'm describing how things were growing up and he seems or says something that means he cares, even "Sorry you had to go through that," I instinctively go to "Whatever," or if he says something that happened to me was awful, I start to explain how it wasn't as bad as it sounds or why it is understandable/justified for others to behave that way.

There are various reasons I do it, but one is just panic about being vulnerable, close, connected. Obviously, there are parts of me longing to be very close and others accustomed to self-sufficiency imposed by rules created during years of abuse and neglect, so he probably gets a lot of both push and pull from "me."

I agree that body language also says a lot. When I am tuning into myself, I can distinguish between having open body language and (more often) closed/protective body language and the message I'm sending T just by how I'm sitting. Leaning back relaxed with my arms behind my head, curled into myself, very proper posture.

My dissociating can also be a way I push T away. If he starts to connect with me and the response inside freaks me out, I run away through dissociation. I might run away inside, go blank, disconnect with T that way. Or else, I might suddenly divorce the confusing feelings, disconnect from ME, so that he can't make connection with those parts either. Instinctive, usually unconscious, "back off, please," I guess.

A lot of the ways I push T away are simple, automatic reactions to the potential of connecting. Almost like T is knocking on a door or inviting me gently to go somewhere with him and I'm refusing to answer him. So, he is there saying, "we're human beings exploring this stuff in and through relationship" with one another...and I respond by claiming I'm not human, there is nothing to explore, or there is no relationship. I'm not literally telling him to go away, but I am showing him I can't feel safe receiving what he is offering and I have to pretend all these lies in order to avoid acknowledging the closeness.

Hope that made sense, I'm kind of not feeling all here right now after a long day.

(((BROKES)))

My T too told me that he's not going to let me push him away. I think he said it when I was upset with him about something and threatening to run again. I'm not sure. But I feel like you do, that I'm needy and clingy. I suppose (no, I know) that could push people away.

quote:

I always think that I come on too strong, which maybe is what I am doing with T BUT I can't imagine that being so because I have HELD back so much.

Hi Unbroken...that is it. You are holding back from her. My T tells me I push him away all the time. And I know I do it but somehow I cannot stop myself. Especially after what happened with my oldT (and you share this painful experience too). You push her away by not accepting the care and nurturing she is offering to you. You push her away when you don't accept her praise, her offers to contact her and you fear being dependent so you try really hard to appear self-sufficient. You push her away when she wants to know you better and you close down and refuse to allow her to see those parts of you that you fear are unacceptable and may cause her to leave you. It's mostly your anxiety and fear that cause you to push her away from you. You won't let her in too far.

I know how hard it is to get past the automatic reaction to push someone away who is trying to establish intimacy with us. We push them away because we fear that if they really know us, all parts of us, then they will leave us. So we hold them at arm's length because allowing them any closer feels REALLY scary.

Hope that helps.

Hugs
TN

Hi Everyone-
Hope you are all well.
Have not been around.
Yes, my t told me this. In fact, I just completely pushed him away. He was triggering me too much, so I quit. Long story.
I miss him, but it just got too hard and complicated.
I always sensed my cling, but he says he never saw me that way. In fact, he saw me more of the opposite.
No answers from me...other than it is all about attachment issues and style.
All my best to you guys-
Hele

((Brokes)) Hope your session went okay. Update us when you can!

I don't remember if my Ts have used the exact term 'pushing away' but they do say I don't allow things in or out which I think is the same. I'm triggered the second anyone tries to connect with me (or was, anyway - getting better).

I find it interesting how all attachment styles seem to "push away" in some manner. I didn't feel the love, clingy stuff, desire for connection, etc to my T at first (for a long time) it took a lot of work to even get to the point I was holding stuff back purposefully. My T mentioned that this week about crying that when I first came in I did not even speak of it, then eventually I could talk about wanting to but not being able to, then actively repressing tears, then finally crying. It's been that sort of same process with everything about relating - and I still do the same pattern but it goes a lot faster now.

If I had to be in a relationship I preferred to be the one clung to, not doing the clinging (I was incapable - it's also genuinely just not a big part of my personality but obviously as I understand what my needs are I can be appropriately capable eventually). It kept me safe from being vulnerable but also made connecting even harder because my relationships would validate and encourage my exact fears and beliefs. Now I'm learning how to manage boundaries and establish trust so that I am open to connecting in a healthy way.

My T and I have really gotten acquainted with my defense systems - it's been our work from day 1. The scariest part is when they call them on us which I think is what your T was doing. Sometime things like this I believe can make us 'push back' too... nothing brings out my defenses like my T pointing them out directly... she says 'I see what you're doing there, do you?' and my defense system is like *middle finger*



Hope all went well.