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9 replies

putting myself out there...

thedudethedudeMember
Things have been very intense for me this week. We have a growing mole on our upper chest that has to be removed and sent to the lab (in the beginning of July) and you can imagine the stress and trauma that is for one such as who has been abused in the past! I've been 'triggered' tremendously on the issues of trust and apology... reminded me of my abuser who everyone thought was 'ok' yet they didn't know the hurt he caused. Easy for 'them' to forgive! And easy for 'them' to trust! They weren't the ones abused or hurt. And they didn't know about it all either (we were threatened not to tell). (I'm not saying Sarah was abusive! just the triggers it all cuased for me) My 'system job' is as a protector...(a word I hate actually) meaning, protect the 'body' (host) at all costs! The 'fight' comes out quickly in me... though I'm learning to stop and think first. However, that also means I may seem 'absent'. And then with the computer going 'down' (hubbie says he can fix it on the weekend) I had no way to reply to posts (lost my password) so all I could do was read... which made me feel helpless because for some reason I feel almost compelled to reply to things! The miracle computer guru (hubbie) has figured out how I can get my email on his computer, and I got my password resent to my email... hence I can reply again. We are also moving to a 2 hr. session with our T (started last night) to work out some things... including 'blending issues' especially before we return to college in the fall. 2 hrs. s very intense. In the midst of all this... we are dealing with our 13 1/2 yr. old (outisde) daughter who has decided life is 'lame' or 'boring' or 'we (mom) don't understand!' I'm sure it's a hormone/almost-teen thing...

I did figure a lot out at T last night... and howcome I get so riled up, and how things get so 'raveled' for me.

So, this post is 'putting myself out there' in that I've said a lot LOL ... and tryng to be honest with my own issues and seemingly-crisis here.

Scott
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sarahsarahMember
Thanks for putting yourself out there.....not so easy to do. I guess we all have triggers.....and learning about them and then having a deeper understanding of why we react as we do is part of the healing piece. Glad to hear that you are figuring 'a lot out'.

For me, I think I still am in shock about what happened last week with my therapist. As I sit with the pain and hurt of her abandonment, I keep going back to - perhaps subconsciously she really just has no interest in continuing our relationship - after all these years she has just had enough of me??

I am oscillating back and forth with giving her time to figure out why she reacted the way she did - and then share that with me - with accepting the heartbreaking reality that I never mattered, I mattered less than someone els.

I am still having moments when I collapse to the ground while sobbing uncontrollably. Would a therapist be honest with herself or her client if she did not want to see her anymore? Cuz, the pain of hearing that she didn't want to
see me any more would certainly be much less than learning some day that she kept seeing me for financial or other personal reasons such as not wanting to feel the feeling "I have failed"??

Everytime I think I am at a better place with what happened, I spiral into the deepest more forceful vortex I have ever experienced in my life.

A very heavy-hearted, deeply saddened Sarah
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Scott,
Thanks so much for being so open about what you're going through. Its hard for me to talk about getting triggered because there's usually so much shame evoked also. So it was very courageous of you to talk about it. I totally relate about the mole. I had to get an endometrial (sp?) biopsy this week. Did great while it was going on then went out to my car and had a complete meltdown. Talked to my T about it today. And the rest of the pile sounds really big, hard to stay calm through that kind of stress. Glad you were able to get back online. So as crazy as I'm sure it all feels, I think your pretty incredible! Safe hugs or huge smiles whichever feels safer.

I hope this isn't too obnoxious but I actually wrote a poem called "Unraveling" about how I can go from secure to totally freaked out and terrified in an instant. I wrote it in response to getting triggered and having to make an emergency call to my T. I'm including it below just in case it might help.
Unraveling
Small doubt eating away at the fabric of confidence
A rip, tearing open the lid of the abyss
Swirling chaos of pain with no anchor
His voice, a life preserver, flung amidst the storm
Promise of safe haven, of steadfastness
A stronghold in which to shelter
The storm passes while I stand still

AG
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Sarah,
My heart breaks for you, I can't begin to imagine how I would feel if that kind of break happened with my T. And when you struggle with a history of trauma there are so many intense emotions surrounding trust and abandonment. I think the thoughts of you not mattering are a reaction to the triggering. If you didn't matter you could never have hurt her this much. Human beings are funny that way, we don't get upset about things we don't care about. This sounds like a difficult time for both of you.
I think a therapist would be honest about not wanting to see you if they felt like their ability to do therapy with you was compromised. But from what you've said before about this, I think she's looking for space to handle her reactions so she DOESN'T make it about her, she's done enough of that already. I understand why the pain is so intense especially when all the old "tapes" about not trusting, being abandoned, not being loved get kicked off. They're not true now, they are just so strong they feel like reality. My T once explained to me that when we're little emotions are so intense that how we are feeling feels like it is reality. Part of what a secure attachment should teach us is to handle our emotions so that we can still perceive reality which might line up with how we're feeling and might not. When we're dealing with emotions from when we were young, they can be overwhelming to say the least. And forgive me, I know this is all very easy to say, but incredibly hard to feel. I am praying for you and its good you keep talking about how you feel. Hugs.

AG
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Robin,
Sorry to hear about your sick 5 year old, they still get such bad fevers at that age. I hope they feel better soon! You're really having quite the good time lately aren't you? A scrapebook page would be fine, use it any way you would like. I really just write the poetry when I can't find another way to express something I'm feeling and I'm honored you would want to use it.
AG

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