i like these questions because i'm 50 and i've never actually felt "grown up" and i remember growing up and feeling like i couldn't grow up fast enough. i WANTED it SO bad. and now i'm grown up, physically ... but not so sure about the other two. i'll have to ponder these for a bit. with a little courage i'll be back with my two insignificant cents .....

I can SO relate CD. That's where I am right now - physically grown up, and physically not afraid of growing up (I think) but emotionally and mentally? No freaking clue what it means to be grown up, nor why I'm fearing doing so! Looking forward to your not-so-insignificant two cents

(((R2G)))

What great questions. I think one of the answers for the first question for me would be that I would be aware of my emotional, physical, social, financial and intellectual needs and to take responsibility for them by either trying to get them met or accept that they can't be met at this particular time for some reason. For me, it also means letting go of the way I conceived of the world, myself and my place in the world as a child and adopting a more realistic view of these things. Letting go of needing to be loved and being loving instead.

One of my fears is acknowledging my aloneness in the world.

Let us know when you have some thoughts on the subject.

Interesting question which I don't suppose has any one correct answer. I wonder what your T's answer to that would be?

For me when I read the questions, I immediately thought of

* being responsible and taking responsibility
* improved and advanced coping skills
* less black and white thinking and more understanding to exceptions
* less selfishness - children have to be taught to share and care - it doesn't come naturally. We have to teach them to consider others and other peoples feelings
* improved understanding towards yourself and others
* being comfortable with who you are and all of your faults and not having to "fit in" with your peers

Why the fear?

* it means letting go and realising that you are responsible for yourself and that only you can truly help yourself
* it means having to test out your coping skills even if that means falling sometimes
* if you are not thinking in black and white for others it means not thinking in black and white for yourself either
* it means falling and getting up and it means realising that you don't always have someone to help you
* it means accepting all of your bad points

and in terms of the physical fears...it means accepting that you will have stretch marks after child birth, that your breasts will sag as you get older and by the time your teeth are 70yrs old mash potato will be your favourite meal but also realising that hair colours have fortunately come a long way

B2W

Thanks Liese... my T seemed to think so too, and she is patiently waiting for my answers before she gives me her own!

I completely relate to your fear - acknowledging aloneness. That's a big fear of my own. I also like this "I would be aware of my emotional, physical, social, financial and intellectual needs and to take responsibility for them by either trying to get them met or accept that they can't be met at this particular time for some reason." I get the financial piece, but the emotional, social, even physical? Yeah... hard.

B2W - I'm resonating with pretty much everything you said in response to both questions. "Improved understanding towards yourself and others" is something I am definitely stuck on. And this? "it means realising that you don't always have someone to help you" This? Big sticking point and sucky one at that. Crux of my situation. You worded it well! Thank you!

very good questions R2G!!

1. in my (perhaps jaded ) opinion, its more like a learning curve, you gradually get closer and closer to being a 'grown up' and then, before you reach it, you start going downhill again. oh well, maybe that's just what i like to think, so that i don't feel bad for not having reached that point (and this also explains the behaviour of so many 'grown-ups' around me)
i do agree with what others have written though, about the 'qualities' of a grown-up person. i see it more an ideal we strive towards rather than a completely achievable state. i think we can be in combined or constantly changing states, being a grown-up one moment, and throwing a toddler tamper tantrum the next.

2. i would say the biggest fear would be dying, being a grown up you're a lot closer to the end, both in terms of a timeline as well as facing reality, as opposed to being a kid who thinks they're invincible and going to live for ever. and probably a more realistic and immediate fear - the fear of being responsible. oh, and all the saggy bits fear too!

puppet

Hey R2G,
Just curious what did your T say? What were her answers and did you come any closer to getting or at least being comfortable with your own answers?

B2W

Hi B2W - thanks for checking in! T and I are still in conversation around the idea of being and acting grown up. I have finally made the decision that yes, that is what I want to be, and now we're working through the process of grieving and moving forward with life. Getting lots of insights though!

Puppet - I like the idea of a learning curve! Interesting fear of death - that's not in my mind, I'm more scared of losing the part of me that I know best - the kid coping mechanisms, and replacing them with healthy adult ones.... interesting...

So far, what I've surmised, is that being an adult
*physically means you are financially responsible (holding a job, paying bills, meeting basic needs) for your life.
*Mentally means that you are able to accept responsibility for your actions and words, and you are able to work through situations that arise in your life in a healthy and productive way (thinking work related/relationship related) and
*emotionally you are able to rely on yourself to get your needs met.

So far, I've got the physical grown up.... I'm working toward the mental grown up.... and am no where near the emotional grown up...