The thing is, my T has made amends. She has apologized for her misstep, and admitted that it was a mistake on her part. That she misunderstood what I needed. She has sincerely apologized, and I do believe she meant it.

So you see, the problem isn't that she hasn't made amends, or tried to repair this break. It's me. It's all me. I'm the one who has put this distance between us. I'm the one having trouble regaining all the trust I lost. It's my fault, and I am the only one who can fix it now.

My T has asked me what I need from her many times, and I never have an answer. Right now, I just need to know that she hasn't given up on me completely. I just need to know that she'll give me another chance. I need my T to know that I am taking responsibility for this break, that I know this is my fault. And I need her to know that I want to fix this, and even though I don't know how right now, I can and will find a way. I know I can. I just need her to not give up on me yet.

Thanks for listening.

Musical Me

Musical Me,
Instead of agonizing over this alone, why not talk to your T about your mistrust? You are obviously recognizing a disconnect about what you KNOW to be true in an intellectual sense and what your emotions are telling you. We don't operate in a vacuum; you didn't wake up one day and think "hey, I think I'll decide not to trust anyone." I have very deep trust issues and took a long time to establish trust with both my Ts. My present T spent two and a half straight years reassuring me until I could actually believe he was trustworthy but it took a lot of patience on his part and honesty on mine. Your T should be able to discuss your feelings about her without getting defensive (the fact that she owned her mistake and apologized tells me she is capable of doing that). So talk about it, talk about how the mistrust feels, talk about what you believe might happen or where this might be coming from.

You don't have to figure this out alone. People with trust issues usually have them because the last time they tried depending on anyone else it turned out very badly. But the truth is that humans cannot know themselves outside of being in relationship. So instead of making your goal that you have to solve this all by yourself, make it your goal that you are willing to stay with, experience and talk about all the feelings surrounding your inability to trust. Your T can watch you do this and help you to make sense of it. Because trust me, no matter how insane or irrational you feel like you're being, there's a good reason why you're feeling this way. Which means you can't just talk yourself out of it.

You'll need to walk into the fear and choose to trust your T enough to start talking. And when that doesn't blow up in your face, it will be a little easier next time. Do that enough and one day you'll realize you trust her. We oftentimes make the mistake of believing that first we have to feel something, then we can act, but reallt we need to act and then our feelings follow.

I don't want you thinking that I suggest this flippantly, I know what a terrifying difficult thing I'm asking of you. But I will tell you that there is another side to this. To quote Winston Churchill "Never ever ever give up" and my favorite quote of his "If you're going through hell, keep going."

You're not as alone as you feel.

AG