Hi GE
Absolutely get what you are saying, I hate breaks even 3 in years to therapy and we have a good relationship too. Some stuff which has helped me feel contained is long lead up to the break..T giving plenty of notice...for break feelings to come out including the 'you are leaving me stuff'. Early on T gave me a transitional object to look after which gave me literally something to hold onto. T sometimes gets a letter which I pass to her when I am in full how can you do this to me mode and not able to talk at all. Halfway through a break I try and plan a little treat to which helps me know I am nearly there. When T gets back too we take a few sessions to re-establish the relationship by general chit chat talking and then look at what worked about the break and what did not. The countdown thread on here helps as well to post during breaks

for the little girl you

Pingles x

Hi GE

I've been with my T 7 years now and still struggle with her holidays, she has all of August off every year. I always feel she will forget about me while she is away. Like pings T has gave me something to hold on to until she's back and it goes everywhere with me

If I'm having a bad day during the break I will have a duvet day, watch films, eat sweets lol

I don't know if this helps but wanted to say you're not alone with the way you feel x

Luc

GE

I totally understand when it comes to breaks. I see T at my university's counseling center so breaks are inevitable and kind of part of the process. At first, breaks were extremely difficult for me. Even if it was just a three day weekend or a week for spring break, I found that I had an intense longing for T after a couple days. I can't even begin to describe how awful Christmas break was...my first time not seeing T for an entire month...it was beyond hard. The only thing that helped me get through though, was really putting all that she had taught me into practice. All that time I got used to her being the keeper of my emotions instead of her helping me to regulate them and me actually being in control. The summer without her was also pretty difficult but I found that as I grew, I needed her less and less. I would encourage you to let yourself just simply "be". It may seem like we're going to fall apart sometimes if we can't talk to our Ts when we want them the most, but when we don't, that's actually a great accomplishment. It shows that well, yes, we had a "moment" but we got through it on our own, and that's always a good thing!

Another thing I would encourage you to do is ask your T how he feels about out of session contact and transitional objects. My T allows emails and will sometimes allow phone sessions for longer break periods. She also let me leave certain very personal items of mine with her to keep just so I would be able to have a bit of a connection with her. Maybe your T will be open with that if you ask.

Hugs to you!

Could you get notes from T or a 'transitional object' (like something from Ts office, or you leave something in T's office?). Those are sort of symbolic.

I was going to suggest seeing an adjunct T (or like a T you know who will be there should stuff hit the fan while he's gone) but that's not connecting either

Sometimes, as painful as it is, it's okay to go through these experiences and to talk about them. It's like a mini rupture... from 'what I've read' sometimes the repair/resolution from these types of things make the relationship stronger and can give you a corrective experience. Maybe people in the past abandoned you and when/if they came back (T will come back) maybe they never acknowledged your pain (T will acknowledge that, hear you, etc).

If I'm anxious about my T leaving (and I am freaking out that she's changing her office hours) I have a thing I can take home with me (that's mine lives in her office), and I just jam pack my entire schedule, or at least have a daily thing to do so I focus on that.

I don't think any of these are helpful It's really hard to carry T around. Maybe he could write you a note card that says something affirming on it, or relational that you can look at every day? I have that too and it helps.

I'm sorry

I am in the midst of a 17 day break between sessions right now and I hate it. We just had a two week break three weeks ago so it really feels hard this time coming so close on the heels of the previous break. I had my T make a guided meditation tape for me. Its about 20 minutes long and I listen to it when I get up and also when I am trying to go to sleep. It really helps to hear her voice. She uses my name several times during the recording so it makes me feel somewhat connected to her. Its not ideal but it does help.

I have a month break after every session. It's all I can afford at the moment. The first two weeks after we meet are excruciating. We talked about this last time because I voicemailed her a lot the first week post session. I was out of control really. She said if that's what I have to do to get through the rough part it's ok. I don't ask for a return call, I just dump all my emotions in my message. I do worry she is going to get sick of me doing it but that's just my crazy voice telling me that.

GE, the breaks are hard, no doubt about it. Hang in there, I feel for you and everyone who has to endure them.

Green Eyes:

I wish I knew what to say to bring you some comfort. Therapist is going on vacation and I will not be seeing him for two weeks starting yesterday...it is extremely difficult.

I don't know if you keep a journal from your sessions...sometimes I read back over them...sometimes I write it all out as far as what I am feeling...and sometimes when it hits me hard I cry.

And when I am feeling not so good...I wish he didn't matter to me at all.

Most of us can relate to what you are going through...sending hugs and comfort.

T.

GE,
Some of the things I have found helpful include asking for something from my T's office, contacting him by email or a quick call just to know the connection is intact (I do not remember your T's policy on outside contact, so forgive me if this is not an option) and at one point I asked him to leave a voicemail on my cell phone so I had his voice handy. I have also found journaling about all the feelings that arise helps me to understand what is being evoked. I will also go read old journal entries about times that I felt very supported and close to remind me that the connection is a real and enduring one.

But the most important thing for me was to talk with my T about my feelings around his absences. We usually had to spend at least two sessions processing his breaks, one about my fear of abandonment and one about my anger that he would leave (I once wrote the poor man an email on his vacation about how much I hated his family. He took it really well thankfully).

The truth is that this is one of those lessons we were supposed to learn as small children; that mom and dad had to leave sometimes but that they would come back and the relationship would remain intact. I once told BN that he needed to take more vacations so I had more chances to experience that. (please trust me that I didn't mean that!) Being able to express all the terrible feelings evoked by his leaving and having him listen and understand and help to soothe me, while still going away to meet his own needs is what helped me connect to the fact that his going away had nothing to do with me nor did it change our relationship. Hard, painful, scary work (I know, when do I NOT say that? ) but it paid off in the end. I'm on a three week break right now because of his vacation plans and its ok. I miss him, ad I have even emailed to connect at one point, but it no longer feels threatening at all because I can hold that sense of connection now when away from him.

AG

I hate breaks!!

I see T on Sunday for the last time for at least 5 weeks. She is due to give birth next week. I sent her an e-mail yesterday saying how anxious I am about her leave. She wrote back a nice sympathetic reply and I feel guilty. She must be tired, uncomfortable and hot, but is continuing to work up until the birth and will return earlier if she can. Even worse I already have appointment with back up T for the next day!!
I feel pathetic!
I think she will even respond occasionally to e-mails while she is on leave, within the limits of a new baby and a 2 year old!
I am being so selfish and she is so understanding!

Starlight,
I just want to advocate for you having more self compassion about how you are feeling. A five week absence can be incredibly difficult when in the midst of attachment difficulties. I went through a six week break once and I think it was the longest six weeks of my life. The intensity of these feelings is fed by the fact that they come from a very primitive, young part of you. Our impulse to stay close to our attachment figure is biologically driven and at one time was a life and death matter. You didn't wake up one morning and just decide to feel this way, you have good reasons to need this. I think if this was truly just selfishiness on your part, your T wouldn't be so supportive. As long as you are respecting the boundaries she sets (which it very much sounds like you are) I think you should give yourself a break and be able to cherish and take in the care freely offered to you.

I do think its a really good thing that you recognize that she is going through something that is very important in her life and you want to respect that because you care about her, but I am very happy that you have a therapist willing to go the extra mile even when something this significant is going on in her life. I hope the time goes much more quickly than you anticipate and the relationship grows even stronger for getting through this.

AG

Thanks AG, your words really helped me!
T just wrote to me that I don't have to apologise for my feelings and she understands.

We have had a lot of discussions about her pregnancy, she is well aware that it really does bring her private life into the therapy relationship, and has been willing to discuss and accept all the feelings it has brought out in me.

She said months ago that although the changes have been difficult for me she feels that we have been able to discuss it openly and it has benifited our relationship.

I will be ok, but I would like to be stonger on Sunday when I leave her and not make her feel bad!
Thank you for your support.

THank you so much for the lovely replies and I'm so sorry its taken me so long to acknowledge the support, kindness and comments.

((Pingles)) - i get heaps of notice for breaks, I suppose I like to live in a fog of denial about them for as long as possible I am well into therapy too but it is still soooo hard to deal with those feelings of abandonment and being unlovable and unwanted I do have a transitional object and I'm feeling a little more secure in the relationship at the moment. I will definitely be checking into the countdown thread too!

((Luc)) well you make me feel a little better that at 7 years breaks are still a challenge, as I thought at 4 years I must be the most insecure therapy patient ever! I can relate to the fears of being forgotten and I've also been plagued by my T suddenly realising what a horrible person I am and deciding he won't work with me anymore (he said that can't happen because I'm not horrible at all and he likes working with me).

((Diva)) I can relate to short and long breaks seeming endless and so difficult. And you're right it is an opportunity to put into practice what we've learned with our T's; its taken me a long time to begin to be able to really self regulate and look after my own feelings and that capacity is still quite fragile in its development. I guess I know i can get through tough stuff on my own, I just don't want to because I spent so much of my life handling my problems alone.

((cat)) yes I have to dig up my transitional object and find my notes of kind things my T has said to me recently. Those in the past who abandoned me didn't even realise they had and if I raised it with them, my gosh did the shame, anger and abuse start flying. I know he will come back and I know the intense feelings that have been triggered are important and they have led to some really important insights. I think its good to have a rough plan of doing "something" each day - for me there will be work, some retail therapy and working on my thesis plus enjoying DH and my son. Dont dismiss yourself, you were very helpful


((hoosier)) don't think we've met but hi and thanks for commenting. Wow that is sooooo tough going. However I love the sound of a guided meditation tape. My T wouldn't make me one, he's not that sort of guy. I'm glad its helping you and hope you're almost through your break

((becca)) OMG I don't know how you manage a month between sessions! I would find it so hard to maintain the connection. Its so unfortunate and unfair when money comes into play. You hang in there too and keep doing what you need to do.

((Tas)) yes I do read back over writings, journal what's going on and cry when I need to. I know you know how excruciating the lack of contact is.

((AG)) I have spent the past four or five sessions going over all the feelings that this particular break has triggered and its led to some really helpful insights and has also reestablished the fact that my T genuinely cares about me in a profound way and will definitely come back and wants to work with me and help, its not an obligation or something he feels coerced into doing. Weird stuff for me when my parents seemed to resent the challenges of parenting. I can email if I need to but I don't tend to get more than a one or two sentence reply which I understand on one hand and hate on the other. I guess what's so hard to get past is that I am so genuinely and deeply attached to him that I really miss him when he's gone. He means so much to me.

((Starlight)) how you doing? I would be struggling very badly if my T was having a baby and taking a break for five to eight weeks. Your T sounds like she has been very accepting of all your feelings towards her and her pregnancy and you have no reason to feel guilty for your reactions. You're not being selfish either, you have needs and that's absolutely fine, normal and human.

So this has been one of the hardest weeks in a long, long time. But it has led to some really important insights that provoked a lot of shame and humiliation and relate to fully knowing on an emotional level that my parents didn't want me and didn't love me and when I made desperate pleas for love as a young girl they were met with ridicule, rejection and abuse. And that when they took care of their own needs (usually by becoming intoxicated with alcohol or drugs), the effect was incredibly detrimental on me and often resulted in various degrees of neglect. My T has been really good through all of this and Im feeling more secure and less anxious about the break. I will miss him a lot but I know he looks forward to seeing me at the end of it all. He's also arranged a session at the end of the week which is always helpful.

Hugs to all xx

Hi GreenEyes,
Last appointment went well. I did not say very much, we just planned a little about my goals for therapy.
She gave me a hug when I left. I was exoecting to panic later, but I was ok and I texted her to say thank you and good luck. I had not managed that when I left!
I have texted a couple of times since and she always replies immediatly, which is nice.
I have back up T every week if I need, so I am just texting T for contact, which she is ok with.
She has promised to let me know as soon as baby appears. Today was due date so could be any time now!

Everything is ok and I have plenty of support, but I miss T already!