Hi SBRHP,
I am sorry, I think your former T is putting you in a horrible position. The sudden termination as soon as you admitted your feelings for her was painful enough, but to then go back and work with her as a couples' counselor with none of this addressed? That sounds too difficult to me. Especially as your present T, who knows you professionally is recommending against it.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you to say no. I stopped seeing my T regualarly about a year ago, but can call and go in for an appt when I need to, and I know how much I can miss him. I know you're in a lot of pain and the desire to see her must be really strong along with the desire to get some answers. But here's the thing, I'm not sure how well she handled the termination. Don't get me wrong, she may have had clinically justified reasons for ending the individual therapy with you and referring you out, but what I have a problem with is that she didn't give you a chance to process it or work through your feelings around it. So to go back and trust her as a therapist seems like a long leap to me. Marriage counseling requires a great deal of trust in the room. Both spouses need to trust the therapist to keep them safe while they delve into difficult issues and I'm wondering just how safe you can feel with someone whom you already feel so hurt and betrayed by.

May I make a suggestion which you should feel free to ignore if you don't think it's helpful? Obviously, something very powerful was evoked in your relationship with your former T to be still affecting you so deeply. Since she was your therapist and your knowledge of her was limited (and honestly, based on my own experience with my own T) these deep feelings aren't so much ABOUT your former T as it is about your needs and longings. What is it that you were getting from her, or hoped to get from her that was so deep and powerful, that you are still mourning the loss? You may not be able to go back to her and get answers, but you can explore the meaning of what happened and what it says about you in your current work with your present T.

I'm surprised she's willing to continue working with you as a couples' patient after terminating individual therapy. I'm totally speculating but it sounds like she got scared of your feelings but maybe feels safe enough with your wife in the room? That sounds like a good setup for her needs, but not for yours.

I hope you can find some relief.



AG

Hi AG,

I have explored my feelings with my new and ultra supportive T. I am having real problems in my marriage. I also have a lack of close friends and family. In fact I have none that I can talk to on a regular basis. In my former T I found the support I needed from my wife, friends and family all roles up into one.

She really hurt me. And the thinking side of my brain knows I can't get therapy from her. But She seemed like such a good person and I believe she is. She really wanted to help me. My new T said I did spook her. And I understand that and I am ok with that. But she needs to tell me what happened if that's the case so I'm not left feeling confused and rejected.

My feeling side of my brain just wants answers. And I miss her. I do understand what you are saying AG and you are right. It's just hard to say goodbye without saying goodbye .

Thanks AG

quote:

I'm surprised she's willing to continue working with you as a couples' patient after terminating individual therapy. I'm totally speculating but it sounds like she got scared of your feelings but maybe feels safe enough with your wife in the room? That sounds like a good setup for her needs, but not for yours.

I agree with AG so much SBR...I think the whole termination was handled so badly. Of course it left you hurting badly!I'm glad that you have a new T who is being super supportive through this. It's going to take time. I know how bad it feels, I have the same situation in ways, but without the forced termination. I was just kinda left to "figure it out for myself" kinda thing. I understand how much it hurts to say goodbye with no goodbye, to have no closure. Maybe you should ask your new T if you could do a closure session with both of them in the room, just to say goodbye? And I would definitely seek another counselor for your marriage, that you will have a safe place of your own to explore your own stuff with current T, and a different counselor (not old T) for the marriage stuff. That's just my opinion, but it sounds like you need a place of your own to explore the feelings about old T.

I know how much it hurts inside to lose a T you trusted with so much, to feel so betrayed and abandoned and punished by them. I hope that your healing will begin to progress, and that you find a way to get some closure. It must have been very traumatic to be told you have to go, just like that.

hugs,

BB

I don't think you should go back. This seems like taking steps backwards. I know you miss her and would love to see her, but it is my understanding that the transference is painful for you and she's already shown you once how poorly she handles that.

That might not be what you want to hear, but I just don't think its going to be healthy for you.

Thanks BB and LG. I agree with both of you. Thanks to all for the much needed support!