Hi TN
I was very confused by this notion of an inner child too when my T first bought it up for very similar reasons to you and I was like what is she talking about? My T and I have started to access my inner child through my writing (I write when I can't talk) and through talking/reading the work T has shown me that sometimes I am writing about the very small me in addition to the teenage me (my writing changes in tone and language) I hadnt' figured that one out. As well as when I dissociate T was watching my body language and apparently I kind of sink into the chair and go really small. Its during these sessions that we have kind of identified that there is a inner kid that needs looking after and keeping safe. Not sure if that helps as we are still trying to encourage my inner child to come out and look after her which we need to do at the moment very much. As I say not sure if I have explained myself very well but that's where t and I are with this inner child stuff at the moment - hope there are others slightly further along in therapy who can help as well

Thank you DebbieN for your response. I don't feel so alone with this. I do write a lot so maybe that would be an option. I also feel really small and young at times with my T. What is so strange is that my T is actually 2-3 years younger than I am and I feel like I'm a little child on occassion and I also sink into the chair and hide under the blanket. Sometimes rebellious Teen comes out and stomps her foot and says NO which makes him raise his eyebrows and sometimes smile.

I, too, hope some of those further along with this will post their experiences here.

TN

In my case, which might not be all that helpful, I just started trusting T to express those child-like feelings. It started in writing (journal/texts) as me labeling those feelings from an observational point of view, then me letting those child-like feelings be expressed direct (and one the first being "I miss you!") and now is just beginning to progress to occasionally getting directly expressed to him in person or on the phone. But...much like you, the little parts are still just peaking out most of the time. T has talked about play therapy and art therapy and for once I find myself more excited than humiliated by the possibilities. We'll see if that lasts into his office, though. I think bringing and showing him my Wolfie (stuffed animal from the zoo) was the first very direct way I've let those parts really be vulnerable with him.

TN - Is there anything that inner child specifically wants or would help her feel safer that you could take a small, initial risk with?

Monte - I know how you feel with the adult fighting back. I had my childhood kitty in my backpack for a month without doing anything with it before I brought Wolfie and shared him during the interviewing session. T pet him and talked to him, telling him to watch over me and stuff and poked his nose. I find myself even more attached to the dang thing now that T has held it. That same kid now wants to somehow stuff the giant monkey into the backpack this week. I'm trying to imagine if I'm capable of being that ridiculous, a giant backpack obviously stuffed with something very large and squishy that looks pillow-like? I mean, at least there is usually very few people around when I have my session and no one but T when I leave...but still! ACK!!!

Monte... a million times thank you.

Now I need to go back and reread your post a few times to take it all in. I'm SO glad you tried this with your T and that you felt cared for and understood in the indignity. That really is crucial. My child was humiliated SO many times that she is really sensitive to that happening again. The other thing is that I really hate her and I'm afraid T will too. She peeked out at oldT just before he started with the whole I needed to leave stuff. He coaxed her out with teddy bears and talk of picnics and playing games and then took it all away. As soon as she like it and was feeling safe ... he took it all away and hurt and scared her so she is not too happy to come back out again.

I do agree that my T seems very comfortable working with this and doing this inner child work that needs to be done. He seems kind but so did oldT which makes this doubly hard.

Now I need to go read again and then I'll comment further.

Thanks
TN

I could haul in Christina, my threadbare stuffed dog from childhood that I had to keep rescuing from the garbage because my mom said she was dirty and kept throwing her out. She is quite old now and sits on my dresser as one of my prized possessions and one of a very few things I still have from childhood. Maybe if T reacts well it will help to coax inner child to come out to talk to him. It's worth a try I guess. I also read it helps to bring in childhood pictures. I tried that with oldT and it did not turn out very well. Need to think about that more.

Yaku I cross posted with you... I love the story about your Wolfie and thinking of smuggling in the monkey. I say go for it.

TN

TN, I had some expereinces of feeling very "young" with my T, usually at times I really trusted him. It was lovely, a safe and connected feeling, but I still doubt if he realized anything unusual was happening. maybe. idk. I think you can't make it happen, it just happens if the T is really good and you trust them. I think he said what he said just to let you know that it's ok and good if it happens. They say we all have an inner child. I have no idea what it would mean to integrate that part. I'm not sure I would want to...? Does that mean you wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore? Of that you would be able to feel things more? Confused...at any rate, I am sure you and your T will figure it out together. He seems pretty smart- and so are you!

Love,

BB

quote:

Does that mean you wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore? Of that you would be able to feel things more?

Hi Beebs, and thanks for commenting. After doing some reading and thinking from what others have posted and what I could find on the topic, it seems that it's more about being unfiltered and uncensored. Just allowing what I think and feel and need to be expressed, even if it's that young, really scared part of me.

It's not that you won't feel any longer or feel less or more, it so that eventually you can integrate the young, needy, playful and carefree part of you into the adult you so you become one united spirit.

OldT was helping and healing the litte me without really know he was doing it and it's part of what I miss so very much. In treating my son, who is an actual child, and having me present and participating in it, I was being healed indirectly. For example, he would do magic tricks, he had a sweet dog I could play with, he would play board games with us and he would somehow engage that part of me that wanted to be playful. Unfortunately, when she emerged and was scared and grieving he didn't know what to do with her and just abandoned us. This is what makes it so hard to convince her it's okay to come out again. It didn't work out so well last time.

I just think it will take some time to get to this point with my T. I'm only with him for ten months and having to battle a trauma and grief does not leave a lot of room for other things. Monte, you have known your T for a very long time and I'm sure that helps with allowing the vulnerability. Right now for me it still feels dangerous.

Thanks so much for all the input on this. I am looking forward to seeing my T again tomorrow to further this discussion.

TN

TN - I was bringing my childhood cat (I've had since before I could remember) for a while, but I never brought it out to show T. I told him that's why I started bringing my backpack last month, so maybe I will bring my kitty again next week. I actually did try to see if it was remotely possible to fit the monkey in the backpack for the kid, but there is no friggin' way (I tried, little one, I really did!). His feet, butt and tail would have to be sticking out the top...not a very good camouflage. The other option would be a large, black, plastic bag. That would probably look even worse than just brazenly, unabashedly hauling the monkey in. I think T would be more excited about the monkey than little Yaku, so I'd really love to find a way to bring it without freaking out. I brought Wolfie again, which he found out at the end of the session, so he asked if he could say hi really quickly. I don't know if it was my "stuff" or just embarrassment, but I pretty much blanked that out. I remember giving him the wolf, explaining about my cat...and that's about it. Not even sure how the wolf got back in my bag, LOL. TN - I'm sure your T is really safe to be that little girl in front of. My T (who sometimes reminds me of yours) is so accepting and lets his own (albeit more integrated) kid be playful with mine. My only reason for holding her back right now is she is hug-obsessed and he has said there is a boundary about physical contact (although he is praying about it since I told him that has protectors limiting his access). I need to hire a separate therapist just for hugs or something.

Edit: If I can manage to filch the photos that my sister found at my mom's, I do want to bring them in. It could be good for me too, because maybe it will help with memories...but I'm kind of scared of it being triggering for me too.

quote:

My only reason for holding her back right now is she is hug-obsessed

I'm sort of worried about this too. Little me is longing for a hug or to hold his hand for a minute or two. I don't know if my T has a boundary about physical contact. He shakes my hand coming and going and sometimes pats my arm when I leave. Sometimes I wonder what he would do if I patted his arm!!

That must be some BIG monkey! I think it's sweet that he pet Wolfie and wanted to see him again. I think he's very much in tune with what your little needs.

I suppose we should talk about this more in session tomorrow but I also have other really pressing topics to cover with him and there is NEVER enough time. I do envy those with longer session times. Mine are always 50 or 55 minutes and with oldT we would go at least one hour or 70 minutes. My T feels that longer sessions are too hard on the patient and that we work hard enough in 55 minutes.

I'll keep you posted.

TN

TN,

Just wondering if this inner child stuff is connected to one school of thought? My T never talks about the inner child or emotional parts and I'm wondering if I am missing something vital or can I heal another way?

Liese

Liese, I'm not sure what school of thought inner child work comes from. My T is psychodynamic and follows Kohut, Gill and some of the other psychoanalysts. I think inner child work comes from working in healing trauma because we usually split off that younger part of us during an abusive or traumatic childhood.

I just found a bunch of stuff on Youtube on John Bradshaw who writes on this topic and I have not listened to them yet but I'm going to and then discuss it further with my T.

TN

TN - I sometimes wish my T and I discussed psychology stuff more often, but I am chicken about it for some reason, as if he is going to be angry about me educating myself, although he has never done anything to suggest he would. I guess I am kind of used to surrendering power in that way, not defying the authority (at least openly).

Yes, the monkey is quite big. His head is the size of a soccer ball and he is nearly as tall as Boo...well, if he were able to stand up. I imagined sneaking in with him all stealthily to one of our late sessions and hiding him in the room where they keep the toys and games for kids, then telling T I wanted to get something from that room and having him go and find it in there, LOL. I think he might actually be more excited then me. When he had that dang monkey rattle in there for a few weeks, he regularly glanced at it or picked it up and shook it. I think he was trying to show me how OK it was to be that little kid. I might have thought he seemed a little ridiculous at times, but it was cute and sweet and I didn't judge him about it (other than the annoyance of the rattling). So, I think he was trying to let me experience the other side of that and see how it can be safe to be that kid with him. I was disparaging my teenage parts last night and he made a comment about still having teen stuff too and how that is OK and "great," and how he likes teenagers (including all mine).

Anyway, I'm saying all this, because although your T might be a little less goofy about it, I cannot see anything but safety in your sharing that vulnerable little kid with him. I wonder if your T does or would be willing to let you experience that other side of the inner child stuff. Seeing his own acceptance of himself and feeling your acceptance of that part of him might help you feel safer accessing your own in front of him. I know it has made a real difference to me seeing my T's (more integrated and accepted) child-like qualities shining through. I know it's not quite as scary for him to be vulnerable with that stuff (presumably because he has done his own work), but that he trusts me with it means a lot.

Just yesterday, I didn't like something I was sketching in my notebook during a session, so crumpled it up and tried to throw it across the room into the wastebasket and missed. I played basketball and get pretty humiliated when I miss stuff like that, but I felt comfortable missing in front of T, although irritated at "sucking." I went to retrieve it, but it had rolled behind a sofa-chair, so I sat on the floor, tried to fish it out and ended up asking if I could move the chair and throwing it away. T was "so happy" that I felt comfortable to go retrieve it, to ask and move the chair with ease. I did not worry very much about how ridiculous I looked trying to fish the paper from behind the chair. It was a very childlike moment where I wanted to do something and did it and trusted my T. It made him so pleased to see me be safe with him and it I got filled with so many good feelings about his seeming pride in me and my progress. It was a meaningless action that turned into a meaningful interaction. Now, if only I could have had the courage to look him in the eyes and see his pride, rather than just hear it in his voice, it would have been perfect!

Dear All!!
This thread has been special to me - I even came out of hiding and posted to say thank you - I understand - I'm inspired and felt hopeful by your experiences!! So what happened - my bloody post went into the ether!!! Message from cyberspace to Morgs - no - not paranoid!! but I did want to say thank you so much to you all for sharing - integration with our inner 'children' really appears the key - at least to me - physical and emotional reactional pain notwithstanding!!

Let's all take heart from everyone doing this work and Monte - OMG - fan F@c$ingtastic - you are in a good place with a good T - YAYAYAYAY and this will happen for lots of us!!
x lots

Hm this topic has me divided. On the one hand I recognize that using the concept of ‘inner child’ can be helpful in learning to separate out and understand the different and often conflicting things that go in our heads, on the other hand I’ve never been able to get my head around this idea of there being a separate ‘part’ that is not me. For instance I would never be able to talk about a part of me that is ‘her’ or ‘she’, it’s all me/I (even though there are times I would very much like it not to be me )

Maybe what you are talking about here is what I experience this way: I have a definite split between intellectual, rational, realistic thinking (adult mode maybe); and feelings (child mode maybe). That feelings comprises everything spontaneous and vulnerable and needy and, well... feelings. But even with this split I am always aware that everything going on in me is ME, and not something separate or coming from a different age or time – regardless of whether something I am aware of feeling is immature or childish or childlike and probably belongs to my past, I’m still feeling it in the here and now.

I understand ‘inner child’ to be probably more like a metaphor than a concrete entity, but sometimes I get the impression that people experience this inner child as a separate being inside them, as somehow ‘not-me’. Or am I taking things too literally?


LL