me too! but maybe you not posting here, is a good sign, -that you are busy doing other stuff? Hope you`re feling better, and that you were able to express some of the hard and difficult feelings to your T.. I`ll bet you know by now that you are missed around here!

Thanks you guys...you are all so sweet. Yes, I did have my session this morning with my T. Lately, it is just easier, so much easier and less panicy to tell him what is on my mind, or what I am struggling with...I feel that he cares, I just really do, and that he is not judging me, and that he really isn't going to "banish" me for what I say, don't say, etc. Always he is gentle and understanding, a wise and gentle old soul...

So, I told my T about how badly I have been doing- it is hard to admit that, still feel like he will be mad or give up on me! But instead, always find I am met with gentle acceptance and help. I told him about how it's hard to connect with people because they can hurt by being disgusted with my depression and so on. My T taught me something, that I need to learn, badly, and that is how to say "no." He says, I do not have to talk to people about anything I do not want to, and I can find a way not to, nicely. What a concept! Well, I needed that reminder badly, I always do. He's so nice about everything. He gave me some ideas, what I could say, and said that he's trying to teach me how to do what I need to do in relationships.

I told him about some progress I made in my marriage lately, due to feeling so crap, thanks to this "getting in touch with my feelings" strangely, and needing support so badly I just had to ask my h for it. T was happy/touched proud...something? about that. I was kind a spacy, a lot of looong silences that T was ok with but I felt just kinda spaced out during those silences. I remember telling T that I felt like I was following a formula when I do this asking for support thing he teaches me about, and I was kind of really ashamed of that, looking down I think, and when I looked up T was just smiling, kind of laughing a bit, nicely, and made me feel so happy to see, somehow, I don't know why..

Then he also told me that maybe we should do some "butt kick" therapy (kind of joking, nice, but serious too- because I maybe need that. He said something about this hand's on guidance therapy that some people do, and said only, with me he is going to do "foot on guidance." He gave me a few things to do. I'm really worried about this idea in me, that I seem to find motivation only from being told what to do by my T- or my SD...or even my husband for that matter, it's like if someone just says nicely "here, do this, now..." then I can. Why not by myself, I have no idea, just doesn't seem to occur to me without the butt kick when I get down enough. So I'm hoping that is an ok thing, and not bad to be doing it just because he said so. So my assignment now is to go out for a long walk each day (brrrrr, it's well below zero where I live, so that will be hard with my kidlets,) but I must find some way to do this, I suppose. I feel good that there is something I "have to do." Just feels good!

And my T -it is hard for me because he really looks so kindly and wise to me, and I'm finding I have such a lot of love in my heart as if he really were my dad- and feeling so grateful, and it's spilling over into my family a bit, now-that it's a bit tricky to hang up with my T, knowing that this relationship will not last forever, or that I am just a seperate person, over across the ocean and never will meet my T. I really feel an awful amount of grief today upon the words, "well, we must wrap up now..." T is very kind and asks, what am I feeling, when he says those words, but I couldn't say, though I wanted to be able to tell him... just trying not to hang up in tears. Always the way. We will meet in two weeks now! That is much easier to get through than 3 or 4 was. And he says I can email him...I want to try not to though, if I can, it's just soooo expensive.

So...that was mostly my session although there is so much I'm forgetting which also makes me kind of anxious, for some reason...somaething I wanted to remember, what he said about why though I progress inside, I find this exterior change and self-motivation or self-discipline so hard...just to live, find meaning in my life and what I must do each day- I can't remember what he said about that. That makes me sad!

So warm feelings always for my T these days, and always the sad and lonely feelings of longing that get too hard to allow at many times...I am glad that I have found the T that I have. thanks for caring, my friends...

Love,

BB

Hello Beebs
Great news I'm so happy you are so comfortable with your T and he with you Catch up with you soon - have to visit a medico
Be more gentle with you
Morgs

Well, I was just thinking that since I found this site after agonizing about therapy all the time, and was blown away from day one by how exactly similar the things all of you experience in therapy are to my own expereince- I just want to thank everybody right now for sharing all their stuff on here, because I never would have made it this far in therapy if I didn't know that so much of this is normal.

No apologies, DF...please...you've been nothing but supportive and kind to me, you needn't post here unless you find it helpful. I'm sorry that I wrote on your thread and then deleted, I didn't like the way what I said to you came across, since you are just needing a little extra care, I think, right now.

And thank you, too, Morgs...yeah, I'm getting more to trust my T, but right now I am beginning to doubt everything again so easily...is it real? Is this a real relationship? What if it's a facade, and none of it means anything, except to me? I think of my T's kind and gentle face(it actually looks loving, his face, which I do not really understand, if that look is for me, or if he just always looks that way) and it helps me, but what is the use, what is the meaning, what is the purpose? Where can it get him, where can it get me? I really want to be his kid...I think I am in raging denial about my T's feelings for me, thinking he cares a lot more than he does? I know these feelings can get me nowhere, but I fear that my T is secretly laughing inside at me when he reads my emails to him, and then says all this nice stuff just because he "has to." Or when we are on in sessions, he's thinking what a creepy insincere person I am, but hiding it, and being all nice, saying the opposite! It is awful to have thoughts like that about my T. I know he's not like that, but another part of me just worries..because he's a psychologist, and understands what motivates human behavior, for heaven's sake so it freaks me out that he might know a lot of stuff about me that I will never know! What if it's all bad? Gosh I guess I am worried because I sent him an email and now I'm scared that he thinks I'm bad or misunderstood me because of the email, why do I do this to myself? arg.

ok, sorry, I guess that was a rant. Sooo hard to hang onto good feelings, sooo easy to let the negative ones in. somebody, stop me! (just kidding, I am actually doing ok, even though it doesn't sound that way right now probably.)

quote:

Is this a real relationship?

Oh Beebs!! What has happened for you to doubt yourself and your T so quickly?? Yes it's real, it does have a context, but is probably the most real and important of your dear life!! If your T was secretly laughing at you and projecting care and concern you would bloody well know it coz you're far too smart and intuitive to be conned!!!!! Beebs, you are so caring of others, reassuring, supportive, you probably give too much and the only reason love and care and support is given back to you by your T, your friends here (and probably other areas of your life that I'm not aware of yet)IS BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DESERVING Believe it

quote:

somebody, stop me!

((((Beebs)))) dear BB, STOP (arent' I brave?)

It's kind of funny isn't it, that we who have gone into therapy to deal with our issues think our stuff is unique, and of course, it is to a certain degree, but we can all relate and empathise with most of the people in this community and what we all have in common is a history of hurt, neglect, abuse of all kinds at so many levels, that our issues and stuff is perfectly understandable and 'normal' for where we've been!!
Gotta go for now BB - pick yourself up and start scratching around in my garden again
Sprinkling a little fairy dust now
Love
Morgs

quote:

I told him about some progress I made in my marriage lately, due to feeling so crap, thanks to this "getting in touch with my feelings" strangely, and needing support so badly I just had to ask my h for it. T was happy/touched proud...something?

quote:

Oh my beebs, gosh..this is so sweet, it made me all warm and fuzzy when i imagine this moment... T IS PROUD OF YOU! Remember this when you start doubting him (yourself)..ok?

just have to qote one more (its a heart melter this one, too):

quote:

(...) looking down I think, and when I looked up T was just smiling, kind of laughing a bit, nicely, and made me feel so happy to see, somehow, I don't know why..

quote:

I know why!!- of course seing your T`s smile like that makes you happy! He smiled TO YOU!Nothing feels more lovely when T (when its the last thing we would expect) smile the way only T`S can...Oh..Bebe, its alot of warmth comming across here.


Ok, one more that made me glad as well:

quote:

Then he also told me that maybe we should do some "butt kick" therapy (kind of joking, nice, but serious too- because I maybe need that. He said something about this hand's on guidance therapy that some people do, and said only, with me he is going to do "foot on guidance."

quote:

Thats cool!

Be well beebs, two more weeks *only* to the next session..in the mean time, keep hold on to the good moments from this session. Fill up yourself with only good memories and feelings, and allow all the warmth and kindness settle within you. (((*froggy-hug to beebs*)))

Thanks guys...

Morgs:

quote:

Gotta go for now BB - pick yourself up and start scratching around in my garden again
Sprinkling a little fairy dust now

This made me smile- fairy-godmother! Thanks Morgs, I don't know what happened. I think what happened, was I sent him an email thanking him and saying some stuff, and didn't get a response, and it doesn't look like I will because usually he responds right away or not at all. So, I think that was just dumb of me, I shouldn't have done that, cause now intead of feeling good about the session, I'm so worried about T hating me for the email. Honestly- why do I do this to myself...

quote:
somebody, stop me!
((((Beebs)))) dear BB, STOP (arent' I brave?)

Thanks Morgs!

Sorry dear DF, really am, I just made a mistake in what I wrote, and was afraid it would trigger, so I took it out. Sending hugs, DF-

quote:

(((BB))) just wanting to offer my support on this and for real... if you figure out how to fix this LET ME KNOW because I need this info too

Yeah, I think it's just more difficult to hold onto good feelings for some reason. They feel so slippery and untrustworthy. I tried to bring this up with my T, that some (a lot) of the time, it feels like I can't let myself feel anything good, even comfort or whatever, but he seemed to kind of let that one pass, idk why. I'm gonna trust him on that, that he didn't mean to dismiss it- I guess, but I might bring it up again, since it bothers me a lot.

Oh, my froggy, thank you for the wonderful reminders, you are so sweet...yes, you are right of course, my T was sincere when he did and said those nice things. I guess I just question more, my reactions, is it ok that I react so strongly to the kind things he does or says, and if he was fully aware of how strong my emotional reaction is, would he still do it, or would he be like, "ewww, I didn't want you to actually make so much of it, BB..."
Does that make any sense. sigh.

Sorry everybody....postaholic here...thanks for your support and kind words to me...

quote:

Be well beebs, two more weeks *only* to the next session..in the mean time, keep hold on to the good moments from this session. Fill up yourself with only good memories and feelings, and allow all the warmth and kindness settle within you. (((*froggy-hug to beebs*)))

Aw, thanks froggy!

Love,

BB

quote:

Its the never ending second-guessing of yourself and your T about the strength and reality of the relationship. I guess we will do it until we finally establish solid trust -- probably after we've repeated the same scenarios over and over again and it finally sinks in. I think AG described it once as "rinse and repeat, a thousand times!"

Hah! thanks for this, MH...yes! I guess it is a matter of establishing solid trust...oh, it's sooo hard to trust the T, isn't it? Please don't apologize for posting here, btw...that's a gift to me! I have no expectations about people posting in any threads I start or not, just grateful for the amazing input you all give, even though I am here so much and feel like I'm "too much." My lesson in this I think its that I can have all these vast needs and be here "too much" and people will still accept me and support me...even when I feel it is really way too much. Kind of amazing. So thank you, especially from my heart, MH.

BB

So, I wanted to go back and reply to a couple of posts from awhile back...I know it is "old news" that I'm replying really late to, but I just can't let such thoughtful replies go without commenting and thanking.

Kashley, truly, I am amazed and think you must be a T in disguise. Your insight and clarifying all of this for me is really appreciated...amazing post. I just want to quote a few things, Kashley said, and comment...

quote:

It all just perpetuates this cycle - if I don't really recognize that I'm living for myself, for some goal I want to achieve, and I feel utterly incapable of living for God, then what is the point? You have such a desire, BB, to get to know God - it may seem like it's only intellectual at this point, but you are so devoted to it (however superficial it may feel) that it seems like, with time and with progress in therapy (which you are making), you will internalize all of your intellectual knowledge and you'll be able to use that for emotional involvement.

Sweetie, you are too kind. I really hope you are right and someday I will be able to internalize it...of course, to engage the heart...in what our desires and hopes are- is what I want, what we all want on this forum. You really write beautifully, I just also had to say.

quote:

do you think that maybe the harsh treatment from your parents that seemed to be one of the few times you didn't feel invisible to them is something that you now reenact on yourself through your harsh inner critic? Perhaps you internalized that harshness, because it was the only thing that seemed real to you at the time. But the problem is that part of you still feels and believes that you are invisible, so all you're left with is a ruthless inner critic and an invisible victim.

wow, this is full of insight, and also kinda scary- I think you are probably right! But I'm not totally understanding it, I want to come back to this thought when I feel more ready for it. Wow, interesting, and I'm so sorry that it sounds like you understand this bind so well. ((((Kashley))))

quote:

Obviously, I don't have kids, but I think that everything we do is always for an emotional reward, whether we choose to believe that or not. You desperately want to connect with your kids so that you can know that they are getting what you didn't, and of course that would be painful and triggering! The whole reason why therapy is so hard is that it breaks down these cycles that have been stuck in families for generations, because parenting styles get passed down through generations, too.

Such wise words, Kashley, and so compassionate...thank you! And you clarified something for me, about triggering, that makes it lose it's kind of mysterious quality...it's really just pain, isn't it? Pain that we want to avoid...

quote:

It seems like, as the pain has gotten worse for you, you've had even more trouble connecting with your kids. This is completely understandable, and it also explains why, even as the pain gets deeper, you are still hanging on to your defenses. Because they are, literally, the last line of defense against the pain. And it's such a consuming pain, BB, because there's so much love and care that you were deprived of as a child, and the realization of what's missing is so painful.

Wow, I really think you must be my T, or somehting, I am really floored by this. I'm still not totally incorporating this idea or something, spacing it out a bit, or whatever, but the more times I hear it, the more I begin to accept...that things were really not all that rosy for me. Maybe I'm still living in denial, Kashley. idk. I really don't. I still keep making excuses for my parents, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do that in therapy, or not.

quote:

I know in a post to me recently you mentioned that you didn't want to think about whether or not your T touches his clients in person. However, I also remember, farther back, that you said that it doesn't trigger you to read about others' experiences with that. Do you think that this is the reason why? It may be easier to feel the indirect warmth that you get from reading others' experiences with touch, but to think to much about it is to beckon that feeling of complete longing. And since you can't get what you long for, you keep coming back here to experience what warmth you can get.

Oh, I guess I should clarify and be honest with you, I get horribly triggered whenever I read of a male T touching a client on here. I can cry for hours, literally. So I have to kind of be careful, only read those threads when I am needing a good cry! Hearing about female T's and touch doesn't bother me in the least. Funny because my Mom was not a hug initiator- but she did learn to accept hugs from me as I got older.
Kashley, your reply meant a lot to me, and I intend to re-read it and probably print it out with your permission.

Liese:

quote:

but I guess I am realizing that it seems to be essential for trust-building .... that I say the really really hard things to him, and hopefully not get burned ... we haven't gotten to the really really hard stuff yet but I think it's coming ....... so I guess I was thinking maybe that had something to do with your addiction ... it's where you connect with your T but maybe it's not enough anymore ....????

I guess it's that, it's not enough anymore...and yet, it is really and completley enough, when I have him near to talk to...my T is really sweet...but, sometimes I have this horrible fear that my T is just a drug I use, and I need to keep increasing the dose, in order for it (him) to remain effective...ok, now that I've triggered myself... I think I will just avoid further exploration of that topic, in the sincere hopes that someone much wiser than myself will weigh in here and rescue me from that *horrible* thought! ugh, hope I haven't triggered you, too Liese. I think I might have gotten that one from my T one time, actually, though he didn't put it like that. Put it more gently. this was long ago, before he changed towards me or at least I thought or internalized that he did!

Lamplighter:

quote:

What I learned (and I’m indebted to this forum for it) is that having the need is ok, is normal natural perfectly understandable especially in terms of never having had it met as a kid - but that the task is not to either get rid of it (impossible) or to turn myself inside out trying to get as much of it met as I can (also if not impossible at least woefully inadequate) - but rather to own the need and feel the pain of its being unmet and (as AG always so beautifully puts it) mourn the loss of its never going to be met (sorry bad English there). This I found is impossible alone. That the way it works (for me anyway) is to have a constant reliable and caring other (a T basically) who can embody the object of the need and sit with me while I go through all the rage hate frustration anger demands all the way through to loss pain and grief, and out the other side. At least that’s the theory, but it resonates so deeply with me that I can’t see it as not working. Lol all I have to do is find a T who gets that.

Ok, this I need to rinse and repeat about 1000 more times, cause I just ain't getting it...I keep trying to get my t to fill those needs...and the crazy thing is, -is that he *does* fill those needs...truly, especially lately. Is that bad? I mean, I feel *really* cared about by him. Which is confusing...could it be wrong? I mean, could my T be giving me too much? Or does it just feel that way to me, because as he would say, I'm "starved!"

quote:

Because for every good thing I might come up with about myself, or that someone else might offer to me, I automatically ‘prove’ that it’s not true, that I really am bad.

Yes there’s a certain amount of safety and comfort in the familiarity of it, and maybe it’s a form of control - in that it’s a way of pre-empting the judgements criticisms and rejections of others (whence the me-as-bad belief came from in the first place!) Nobody can judge me as harshly and as vilely as I judge myself, because I’m the only one who can see ALL the bad in me

Oh, LL...you're singing the same song as me, aren't you...yes it's a horrible and intolerable place to be. Where does this come from, in your opinion? My T says, from early childhood years when we are first forming our beliefs about ourselves. Confusing!!!

quote:

I too like you thought that having permission to feel what I feel would mean the known feelings, like clean anger, joy, grief, tears - instead I found that what was coming up was shame, self hate, self loathing, totally impotent rage, huge fear - all the feelings that I thought - ‘if only I could get in touch with my ‘real’ feelings I wouldn’t experience this garbage anymore’. It was all so intense and so black and plunged me into real despair that I thought something is wrong here this can’t be right. And finally worked out that actually, this IS what I feel, and the sooner I stop running away from it and start going into it (in safety of course with who I thought was a good strong consistent T) the sooner I’ll come out the other side feeling a whole lot better. It came as a real shock to me and at the same time, finally I saw hope, that instead of having to run hide squash control ignore and deny all these anti-me feelings, that actually they contained the ‘good’ me that I’ve been trying so hard to find.

How, LL? If you are comfortable explaining a bit more, I would love to hear, because I am just in the "bad me" when I'm there- and I feel powerless, out of control about it...like the helpless victim... and can't find anything good, except through what my T seems to think, what I see in his loving face, such a relief to see that *there is love* in this world when I see him...otherwise, it's just bad, me or non-existent me...I think...though I often can't "feel" it still, much more than I did...I don't like it...I'd rather live in denial of my feelings. One day it was so bad that I was shaking and felt so sick, I couldn't function at all- I had to ask my h to help me, I was in such a bad place emotionally...and even that reaction I question as "unreal." It was good because I learned that I have to reach out for support...but it is no fun to feel *that* bad and yucky in every way. How will I find "good me" in these feelings? I am very confused about that. How could this be progress?
Of course I don't think you are preaching at me, LL! You must know that your reply is valued to me...if you don't, than I hereby decree, that you now must know! I thank you for everything you have posted to me here, very sincerely, from my heart!

Ok, now that I've managed to post the daily "War and Peace", I will retire...but you haven't seen the last of me...bwahaha. Thanks for putting up with me all...

Love,

Beebs

BB, feel free to use whatever I wrote. I'm just glad some of it helped. Hope you're doing okay today. (((BB)))