Hi DaRock,
I really get how you're feeling about this coming up while your T is on vacation. One of the dynamics for me left over from childhood is that I had to be so focused on other people and their needs, that it became difficult for me to identify my own feelings and needs and close to impossible if I'm actually with someone else. So as much as I hated my T's vacations, I often would find that major stuff would come up while he was away. I think because it felt safer to feel it then. Which always made for very interesting sessions when he got back (sometimes I wondered what he was thinking coming back? )

So I don't think it's a coincidence that these feelings and thoughts are coming up for you now. I would really urge you to discuss this with her when she gets back to find out if what you're thinking is true or not. And then go from there.

AG

Hi, daRock...it struck me that her reaction should have been focused on you, though admittedly she was triggered by what you revealed. What if it wasn't the medication? You mentioned that she has a close relationship with her dog...I am wondering if there is some deep anger and jealosy, that she should help you to explore as a part of healing...in any case, you are not alone with those kinds of feelings, many many people have them in therapy. Your therapist shouldn't have reacted the way she did, but if overall she has been a good therapist and is able to see and admit that this was a mistake, then it seem slike it might be ok...

sorry that it is so hard...yeah, I relate to things coming up in between, I haven't seen my T for a long while, now, and am a bit of a mess about if he is good or bad for me. Hard to figure that one out. Keep on posting if you need to! and I can't remember if I ever welcomed you, but in case I didn't, then welcome!

BB

jill-

i do have quite a bit of angst. i dont think im an easy fix. dont worry.

my point is not about BPD being bad. my point rather is about her using it as leverage over me in some way and to me it reveals to me how she really feels about me. i dont care if im bpd as long as im getting help for it. what i care about in this case is some underlying contempt or a mismatch. i think i can sense the contempt and she cant. ive been telling her this for years and she tells me im afraid to get close and if im right and she is wrong then the process of her telling me my feelings mean something other than what i am saying they mean further serves to prevent me from trusting myself.

the medicine was ambien. i actually dont think it was the medicine but she does. which further complicates the issue. i think i really wanted to cause her harm in my fantasy. not in real life. jill im sure youre a reasonable person with or without bpd.

attachment girl- this is tricky. ive raised these issues with her before. she always turns it on me. she never says yeah maybe youre right, maybe this is bad for you and i cant see it. ive often told her i think she isnt helpful and i want a new therapist. she says its because im afraid to get close and i stay. and a few months later the same thing happens again.
this has gone on for years.

blackbird - in no way has she admitted it was a mistake. when i brought it up another time she became enraged again. and then she tells me everyone has limitations. she never owns her anger in that instance. she always says that i should have known better. i think she thinks that hurting animals is off limits. the only thing she stated is that its an innocent animal and how could i think that. ive never harmed an animal in my life so i dont know why she is so sensitive to it. it does have to do with my feelings towards innnocence but we have been unable to explore this in depth. she never admitted it was a mistake. she only admitted that she was a person and i need to honor that.

im glad to hear you can relate. thanks so much everyone. have a great day.

it makes it really confusing, when they say it is because we are afraid to move close. well, what if we move close to them and it really isn't safe? hm, her reaction to you about your deeper feelings seems wrong, but that is just from my perspective. I don't have all the information...so take with a grain of salt, of course. But from what you have presented here, it seems like she is saying that some things you need to explore for your healing are "off limits." Contrast that with AG, who really feels safe enough to express ALL of her thoughts and feelings to her T...even the deeper, scary ones, where most of our pain and fear really reside...that is the ideal. Probably most therapist fall somewhere in the middle of the continuum...the question is, are your therapists mistakes (humanity) causing you to stay stuck, not making progress in therapy to your own satisfaction...regardless of what she says? Or do you need a therapist with firmer boundaries? I know how hard it is to think all through, when your feelings and transference are in the middle of it. Gosh. It is just really hard to figure out, isn't it? Well, I hopes some of this can help a little bit.

BB

yeah BB. you said it well. it is really hard and it does come back to progress to my satisfaction. i will continue to think about this and see where i wind up. ive made progress. ive often felt i havent made enough progress compared to what i COULD make, as opposed to what i SHOULD make.
i will keep you posted. i need to see how i feel once she returns.

thanks for welcoming me. i appreciate that.

rock

You are very welcome! Thanks for keeping us posted, as well...

BB