Hm...I've often asked myself the same question, stoppers! It's a very curious thing, to me as well. I know it's crucial to most person's therapy- and that without it there wouldn't be a lot accomplished. To be honest, I do *not* find empathy helpful in therapy. I desire empathy, deeply crave it even- but it does not help me heal, because I am like...an empathy addict. Like a drug, it makes me crave more, and more- and so I will "act out" to get it, which leads to...less empathy...and...things spiral downwards pretty quickly from there! That's just me. I think that's what happened with my "guru T." Let's see...with the T I currently am doing work with- let's just say he is not uncaring, but his empathy seems to be very held at bay, or- I don't have to feel it and worry about it all the time. I personally find this helpful. I can be more honest in my search for myself in this kind of setting. I do not do well at all when people in authority are kind or empathetic to me, because it makes me fall immediately in love with them, and lose the focus of what the relationship is supposed to be. Sucks, rather...but there it is. Sorry to be a downer. I really do not think this is true for most people in therapy...most need empathy from a caring individual to heal.

hugs,

BB

Hey Stoppers,

What an interesting thread. These questions seemed on a first reading like they should have an easy and obvious answer, but the more I pondered them, the more I realized that they aren't as simple as they seem. I think everyone experiences and understands empathy a little differently and when you do experience it it can feel so powerful, but be difficult to articulate.

For me, when someone is offering empathy and I am actually receiving it, it has a very soothing effect on me. My anxiety lessens, inner tensions seem to relax, I literally feel lighter. I also have a rush of positive feelings towards the one offering the empathy. It's bonding, it's soothing, it's comforting. Even the memory of an experience of empathy can bring these positive affects back into awareness for me. I'm reminded of the line by Shakespeare:

"If, the meanwhile, I think on thee, dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end."

As to how I know when my T is being empathic, well it's a number of little things in combination. I can see it in the expressions of her eyes and face, read it in her body language, hear it in the tone of her voice, understand it through what she is actually saying. Altogether, it feels like attention plus goodwill plus gentleness plus understanding. I do think these things have a healing effect on a person, at least I know they do on me.

Hope this helps. I'll be following this thread with interest.

Thanks Df, BB, and HiC. Mine keeps saying she is being epathetic and I am always like "really?, Is that what that was? what is that supposed to do for me?"

Stoppers, your descriptions of this therapist make me wonder. On the one hand I can imagine feeling so shut down emotionally that empathy doesn't register. On the other hand I think of one or two of the therapists I've had who might as well have been dancing the hokey-pokey when they attempted empathy with me - we did not share a wave-length. I just wouldn't like to see you *assume* this is your problem.

Stoppers ~

I have two ts. One of my t's uses gestalt techniques, which I read somewhere can involve a lot of empathy. It can involve her mirroring me, acting out something I'm doing or how I'm moving (and telling me she is) or saying something like "I feel so sad when you say that, is that what you are feeling?"

It is one of many ways of showing empathy. It helps me sometimes see something about me and my life that I didn't see before.

Sometimes both of my ts show empathy by just validating something I'm dealing with or talking with them about.

One of my Ts tries to help me "process" stuff, and often I'm bewildered how this can help, and then sometimes, in spurts, it does help... and sometimes I just feel crappy. It seems to take a lot of time, and sometimes, "helping" is just things not getting as bad as they would have if I didn't "process" them. Empathy helps me feel safer to share stuff - like to build trust that if I come in and say xyz thing happened, my t will generally try to understand my point of view and help me walk through it holding an understanding of what it is like to be in my shoes. Instead of just someone from the outside saying what to do or whatever.

There have been times where I feel so crappy, that empathy... actually makes me feel worse or more frustrated, because sometimes it doesn't help. Sometimes, its like "T! I don't need you just to listen or talk with me, but help me learn better ways to handle xyz overwhelming emotion."

Sometimes empathy "backfires" (probably not actually backfiring) in the sense that it can lead to me feeling more than I want, like in the case of my T saying something is sad, it makes it a little more "real" that something is sad.

Having your t say she is being empathetic... hmmm... that is more something my ts do than say. has youe T said how she is being empathetic and how it is supposed to help? Does she offer more than just empathy? Do you know what her style of therapy is or what types of therapy she does?

Hmmm, the type pf therapy might not be the right fit, or the T herself. The same type of therapy for me, done by two different t's - one it has helped with, while with my old T, it just didn't work. I thought it was me that was unable to be helped by it, but then my T now is doing the same type, and it is helping.

I agree with Jones. Just because what she iss doing isn't helping doesn't mean it is you. Maybe you need something more, something different... and empathy alone, it wouldn't help me either.

Just a few thoughts,
jane

Jones and JD thanks. Her statement about empathy is sometimes in response to my asking what she is doing. Sometimes I think she is preempting my question and explaining. I may be so shut down I cannot get it. I am not sure I recognize it from anyone, not just ts. The reason it comes up with ts is because she says it and I have read about and people here seem to like it.