Hm, Lamplighter, I think I have similar feelings sometimes about being still a child, just in the adult body and with adult intellect, but emotionally I'm not sure what I am.

quote:

I guess I’m blocked by the notion that you’re supposed to somehow make this child part ‘grow up’, and every part of me rebels at that - NO I will NOT get rid of me - I actually want to BE me, no matter how childish and unacceptable and unlovable and all the rest I am, not work towards killing me off. Does that make sense to anyone?

I think the purpose is not at all to get rid of the child, no, no no
I think the purpose may be to have an adult back up who will defend and protect the inner child, the emotional part.

I noticed that sometimes, when I allow myself to interact with other people I'm being bit of a child let's say. But sometimes, when somebody may slightly go across the boundary and the child feels afraid, put down or something like that, the adult mode will kick in and stand up. And I feel very much like the adult is strong, much stronger then the child and there is no bulshit and f...ing around with the adult. So the child feels safe...

This is my understanding only...

Lamplighter,

Wow...I am floored by what you have written here. I feel like I am listening to myself here and it's kind of scary. I feel the same way. I have never felt like more than a child in an adult's body, having to wear and 'adult-like' mask because I've had to grow up and be and adult in an adult world. Everything you said here makes so much sense to me, but I don't have any answers to your questions. I too would like to talk to my T about this, but wonder if she would really get what I'm saying. I know for me, I had to grow up and take care of my siblings, because I was the oldest and my mom got sick for years when I was young and couldn't care for us like we needed, so I became the mom. I had a lot of responsibility, maybe just being the oldest. I'm one that is a caretaker and that is one thing I am coming to face about myself. I don't have needs (well, I do, but haven't acknowledged it in life 'til now) and I've always been about meeting everyone else's needs. I think I just skipped childhood and didn't get the chance to be a child. Don't know if any of that holds true for you, but I'd be interested to know if it does. I'm curious to hear what others have to say about this, and thanks for bringing it up. Curious things we start to face about ourselves once we start to look, huh?

I think I feel like bit of all of you,

quote:

and I've always been about meeting everyone else's needs. I think I just skipped childhood and didn't get the chance to be a child.

indeed MTF, but for me I try to avoid feeling like a child, to go back there has too much emotional pain attached. So I think I try to keep adult and away from my inner child. The adult me is sensible, organised, outgoing and capable...the child in me is scared to even remember being a child. Remembering immediately makes me want to cry - and that's a real no go -
thanks LL, I think I've only just pieced that bit together. Hmmmm now off to think about that!!

starfish

BB

I think that's it!! Perfect - now I understand me even more. Who needs books?

starfish

Thanks guys for the replies. Interesting comments. Amazon that makes a lot of sense what you said, that the adult-mode functions as the protector. I guess I can’t relate to it though as me-as-adult is actually the one doing most damage to the child, never mind real threats from outside. I suppose I would have to say that I can’t rely on myself to be on my side. That sucks.

MTF hey maybe if you find out more about this whole being a child thing you can let me know too! I can see why you have this set up, having had to take on an adult caretaker role when you were little, meaning your needs didn’t count, meaning your needs have all gone underground - yes that would be difficult if not outright painful. What gets me the most is that it’s all very well recognizing the child that I am (well ok I get glimpses that that’s what’s there, it’s not as if I really know it and even less accept it) - but that being an adult and being seen as an adult in the outside world means it really isn’t acceptable to be think feel and act like a child. Yet that’s precisely what I feel that I want to do. Expose the real me (the child) to the real world in the expectation of being treated ‘properly’ for once, or at least giving myself the chance TO get treated as I long to be. Gosh sorry rambling here, thoughts not very coherent about this yet.

And Starfish that rings so many bells for me too - it’s outright scary thinking about when I really was a child, let alone thinking about still being that child now. It’s less that it’s painful for me, so much as terrifying. I cling to the learned adult veneer because that’s my only means of staying sane, literally - to have some sense of what’s real and true at least intellectually. The ability to understand things through rationalizing them, something a child can’t easily do. Also, the adult world is safer. Well, sometimes.

I wonder how other people experience their child self - from what people have said I gather it’s possible and even ultimately healing. Gah well I sincerely hope so.

Hey Blackbird was just writing this reply and saw your post - firstly brilliant about your session with P :LL jumps up and down with delight: I think it’s wonderful that you can say how much you love him he obviously deserves it! Give him a pat from me for being nice and caring towards you about time And for what it’s worth I don’t think he’ll ‘revert’ either, I am guessing that he’s finally twigged to what it is you really need from therapy and is now giving it to you. So good one!

I think you’ve described exactly what my sense of this whole adult/child thing is -

quote:

But I understand the idea of feeling that it's not an inner child, it's the whole thing of you is child that didn't grow up and functions solely on intellect, the comparisons, copying, etc. without the real spontaneous emotional responses that can often guide us..

For me being ‘adult’ equals the rational intellect, and being ‘child’ equals everything else, especially feelings and anything spontaneous. A real split. But also you make a lot of sense in your last comment, that Starfish pointed out too - about maybe emotions are in and of themselves ‘childish’. I guess I have this blind assumption that adults somehow feel things differently, that adult feelings aren’t like I experience them, as selfish me orientated childish things. Maybe it’s the way adults THINK that’s the difference, and that the feelings are more ‘acceptable’ because their cause is adult rather than childish. Hell I don’t know, just rambling my way through this at the moment.

quote:

I guess I would want to grow up and learn to care about the child for myself, since that sneakyness would disgust me about myself..

That sounds like an ‘adult’ value holding a big stick. I can get the wanting to grow up and learning to look after yourself, but to me that would be a natural sort of thing, a natural progression, not because you were disgusted with the child you for being sneaky. Just a thought, because that’s exactly how I tend to view myself as not adult enough - bad manipulative childish me trying to get for me me me etc.

And thanks for the tip about the book, I shall go and google it now.

Argh just about to post this and see Monte you have replied, but I’ll post this now as it’s massive already and then go see what you’ve said

Monte

quote:

I keep her caged! Shackled. She is a little shit and causes strife!

Ok now I’ve finished rolling around the floor laughing I can reply. I love the way you describe the different parts of yourself being fed and watered adequately so they could grow properly, it’s such a devastatingly simple and graphic description of how the one part gets stunted and damaged and struggles like a sickly hot house plant to survive - yet at the same time seems to metamorphose into a villainous thuggish weed!

You are streets ahead of me in that you seem to have a pretty clear idea of which parts of you are which, and also you seem to have a clear idea of how to deal with that caged shackled part too. I just can’t get my head around the idea of its being a PART of me, I just feel sense know intuit what? that that is ALL there is to me. I understand the concept of parts, I just can’t relate it to my set up.

Your T sounds very wise (and yeah I bet he does have good strong reigns lol) - though for me I don’t think I want my emotional responses (if I ever managed to have any for long enough) to be brought into line with the intellectual, as far as I am concerned it’s a lot of my thinking responses which are doing all the damage. So even though it’s the thinking that is what lets me survive, at the same time it’s doing a good job of screwing me up.

Monte you sound so together in this, had you always known about the caged mini-you? How did you come to find out about her? You certainly sound as if you’ve accepted her existence anyway and aren’t too unhappy about having her around.

Blackbird just saw your reply. No you definitely DON’T WANT to be like me when you grow up. I don’t want to be like me when I grow up. I don’t think I even want to grow up - this adult stuff sucks big time. Wish someone would come and tell me everything I need to know, it’s such a pain trying to work it all out for myself.

quote:

But I can’t get my head around the idea of some separate part of me as being this inner child, or ‘having’ an inner child - to me I AM a child, through and through. The so-called adult me is just a veneer of what I’ve learned intellectually to say and do and understand as a means of surviving in a hostile world. So I don’t feel as if there is a part of me that is childish, or that I have a separate entity inside that is the child from years ago, it feels to me like there is nothing but a child in me. All my feeings and spontaneous thoughts come from my background sense of me as being childish, backward, not adult, not grown up, pathetic, stupid etc etc

This is a great thread LL and what you wrote above really resonated with me. I really try not to think about whether I have this inner child or anything about her. I also feel like a child who never grew up or at least grew up the way a child should and learn to individuate and become self-sufficient and independent. At times when I cannot ignore the little me and she makes herself known then I just feel rage and hate and all sorts of vile things towards her because she is the source of so much of what I suffer today. I feel like if she was not so stupid I would not be this mess I am today.

The very few times my T has dared to bring up the topic of little me I shut down or get hostile. He tells me I should be kind to little me and I am unable to work up to anything remotely like kindness... mostly I feel anger and hate. So we really have not discussed this very much. I'm relieved to read what you all have to say because it makes me feel a bit less crazy about these feelings I have. You are right Monte, she is a little shit and causes strife...I should cage her too so she makes less trouble for me.

Not feeling too charitable tonight... had an awful session today.

TN

just a tiny tiny quick one because adult me is supposed to be doing something else....

love this discussion, and I totally identify with that feeling of NOT having an adult part, of being all little kid -

BUT

as I was reading and hearing all your self-criticisms, and all my self-criticisms in them, I thought ahh, there's the adult. The person who tells me I'm stupid and useless and can't do anything right - or who wants to lock up the little kid and treat her bad.

It's an adult, it's just a kind of angry, mean adult, doing to the kid what it learned that adults do to kids....

smart little kids not wanting to grow up till they know there's a BETTER WAY to be an adult.

reminds me of these lyrics to a Tom Waits song (the Ramones covered this to, if anyone likes the Ramones), "I don't wanna grow up":

When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old Tomb
On Grand Street

When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up

J

Once I read a short SF novel.
There were these alien creatures living on a planet in some galaxy etc...
Anyway, the alien species was made up of 3 sexes.
There was the Rational - pure intellect, mad into science, reasoning, research etc.
Then there we Parental - who wanted to take care of the children of the triad which would include one of each sex
The Emotional - emotional, curious, spontaneous, uncontrollable, and the Emotional was usually the favorite child of the parent, stayed the longest and was the most expected.

When the Parental raised their 3 children, the adult triad was finally merging into one, bigger, stronger creature and they remained merged for the rest of their lives.

I just thought it was such a beautiful story....

I am sorry i did not see this topic sooner.
I have been in therapy for 15 months, and I have just fairly recently discovered this inner child stuff.
My T tells me to be very careful and loving toward her because it was to her that the damage was done. I don't have very many memories about it, but enough to be aware of the layers upon layers of defences I have created- to possibly protect her? IDK.
She is very sad,(no that is not right- I get sad when I see her) She plays alone and does not talk to me. She never cries, and she does not demand anything. She just looks, just sits alone. I try to imagine walking over to her- picking her up and holding her. When I do- she lays her head on my shoulder with her arms gently around my neck or just hanging loose like she is tired. I wish she would talk. She never talks.
The adult me is the talker- usually upbeat personality. When the little girl is afraid or hurt- it is then my insecurities arise.
Right now - these past few days her sadness permeates, as I am feeling rejected by my T. She wants to run and hide because someone made the T angry, and she does not do anger- too afraid.
The adult me says- get a grip, I need to deal with this in a mature manner and confront my T. The little girl (as I refer to her) hides when I see the T. That must be why I can never cry in front of him. Huh- possibly a aha- moment. Food for thought anyway.
GREAT TOPIC

helle

Ilove the gentle way your T talks about your inner child

quote:

My T tells me to be very careful and loving toward her because it was to her that the damage was done.

that's very moving for me, I know you're upset with your T right now, but that does show a great deal of understanding. Oh I so agree with everything you have written helle - odd isn't it when someone writes almost your words? I too get sad when I see or remember her, I know there must be happy times, I just can't access them. I almost feel angry with my T when she asks about my inner child - I don't want to go there and face the sadness so avoid it at all costs. My inner child does not do anger - my adult one doesn't normally either - it does smiling and managing and always being publically ok. Anger scares me, has bad roots for me deep underground that I never want to see from anyone again, but I do feel angry with my T for asking me to relate to me as a child. Probably because I know I am trying so hard to avoid thinking about it.

starfish

Argh I would HATE it if a T started going on about ‘talking to the child’ - it sounds so patronizing. Far better if he just DID talk to me as if I were a child (but without the goo goo gah gah stuff) because as far as I’m concerned I AM A CHILD - if I had to make a conscious distinction between ‘me’ and ‘child’ it would just make me more entrenched in clinging onto adult mode. I’d feel like I was being forced to ‘admit’ that there’s a bad childish ‘part’ of me that has to be dragged kicking and screaming into the adult world. I don’t want to know that it’s ok to have a child part, I want to know it’s ok to BE a child. Sorry this just reflects my own confusion about this I don’t mean to negate what anyone else has said.

Well I’m off on holiday for next ten days (if my T can do it then SO CAN I!!!) so got plenty of opportunity to think about this. Gah even holidays (which I loved as a kid) involve too much adult stuff - organizing and planning and packing and sorting the house out etc etc - wish someone else would do it all and I could just go along for the ride

Hey LL-Child,
I agree- It is always nicer to have someone else do the adult work. Cuz work is work, but for me- the inner child is new, never knew she existed. Quiet, shy, passive and sad- none of those reflect who I am today, but then again I have been rather numb for many years so even feelings are new. (like the positive ones- hate the anguish though)
Have a great time on your vacation.
I see you are from the UK (bottom of your post)I just returned from a ski trip and met a wonderful family from Yorkshire England. Great people- adorable kids.
Have fun- don't thnk about the heavy stuff if you can avoid it.

Hi Starfish,
Writing on this thread has given me some insight.
I called my T this morning and shared what I had learned. He gave me a nice validation (certainly one that I will put in the bank for a rainy day) It is written on another thread called- hmmm... now what was that thread? Oh- Poetry and Therapy ...
He was pretty amazed at my level of understanding- In fact, I was too. Clarity is such a good thing- i hope it lasts. And yea, he is a good T, but he makes me work so hard!!! (really I make me work so hard)

Well, my T and I have never addressed the inner child concept. So this is all new stuff to me.
However, my abuser is my husband whom I met at the tender age of 19....brain still developing as a teenager. I had tender loving parents, but then I went from Daddy's arms into his. So in a way, it was child abuse. I was in that transition phase of moving from childhood into adulthood. Then, because of his alcoholism, I had to be the parent and take care of him and I was pushed aside, child and adult alike. Now I feel like I have lost both I'm not sure how much I want to explore the inner child, but it's interesting to read everyone's comments.
I think I have regressed this week though. My T who just left for 5 weeks has caused me to have a relapse of a condition that gets triggered by stress, or maybe it's just depression. Anyway, sick and out of work today.
Let the child sleep.

lizzygirl
how hard for you take on such responsibility at 19 - no wonder you feel that you aren't sure that you want to address the inner child stuff. Do you ever wonder how life might have been? I do...

Oh it's going to feel such a long time I am sure with your T away for 5 weeks - the first few will probably be the hardest, be raw still and lots in your head from your last session. Sorry it feels hard lizzygirl, keep posting and taking care of yourself

quote:

Let the child sleep

Indeed.

starfish

Hey Lizzygirl -

I'm not surprised you're feeling awful and sick, with your T going away for so long. My sympathies - to lose connection, even temporarily when you need that support so much is awful. You have obviously come a long way towards healing from the places you've been, but it's a long journey, and a scary one when you are still with the person who has hurt you so badly. Hugs to you, and a gentle hello to your inner child - I believe she is still in there somewhere.

Reasons I love my inner child:

-because she allows me to be close to my partner. When we play together - we go swimming or tease each other or muck around it feels like he's my playmate. And when I feel scared and vulnerable and sad and she lets me share that with him, and he understands, it's an amazing feeling. And I know he loves to feel close in these ways too, that they make him feel valued and loved.

-because she lets me do my creative work. She likes to play and to try stuff I've never thought of before, and that means I love my work because it never gets boring. And when she's quiet and watchful she takes in ALL the detail, and all that detail is an incredible resource for my work.

-because she makes me dance! She complains if I don't go dancing, because she loves to cut loose and get attention and play with friends and have fun, and also to get immersed in just moving around and being in her own world. And when I listen and do what she says that all feels soooo good!

-because she helps me understand and be there for the young people in my life. not as a condescending adult, but as someone who feels those things too.

-because she helps me to know (often through tears or a sulk or a fit) when I need to slow down and take care of myself, and that stops me turning into a robot and being uncaring with other people.

I think I'm really lucky to have her.

Anybody else have reasons they love their little ones?

J

Hi Jones,

Yes, yes, yes! I want to know about my inner child, but she is silent most of the time. I sense she is frightened too, but I don't know what of. Well I've learned one of the scary things for her is anger. She does not do it well, and has a great fear of making people angry at her. In fact- this is going to be the topic of my monday session with T- after our big disconnect.
I am looking forward to reading what others have to say.
Oh, I do have a playful side that emerges rarely- so that must be her- poking her head out.

I wish I knew more

Jones, I really really love what you did, listing what you love about your inner child. It really stirred me up. I'd like to post a similar list at some point. Thank you for sharing this! Your inner child sounds absolutely beautiful and precious and I'm glad you're taking good care of her.

SG

Jones

Wow that was a really powerful and moving list you posted. I am amazed and that you have such a powerful connection with your inner child and you love her and recognise her too Thank you Jones for that personal and helpful post.

Jones, a question. How did you find her? Seems a silly question and maybe simple to some, but I am so scared to look to my inner child for fear of what I will see - fear of more hurts I think. Is it a conscious 'looking in' or just a sense of that connection being there? You see, what if I look and remember the fears and don't know what to do, know how to comfort the child who has never let anyone do that? There is a part of me hurting so bad that lies behind the smiles and always being ok.

starfish

quote:

Is it a conscious 'looking in' or just a sense of that connection being there?

Starfish-
For me- it was both of these.

quote:

Jones, a question. How did you find her? Seems a silly question and maybe simple to some, but I am so scared to look to my inner child for fear of what I will see - fear of more hurts I think. Is it a conscious 'looking in' or just a sense of that connection being there? You see, what if I look and remember the fears and don't know what to do, know how to comfort the child who has never let anyone do that? There is a part of me hurting so bad that lies behind the smiles and always being ok.

Starfish, you articulated that quite well and it really resonated with me as to why I have not wanted to even go near my inner child, not even with my therapist. My only feelings so far about little me is that I am angry with her for being so trusting and stupid and ineffectual in dealing with everything. Yeah, I have no compassion for either of us and that's always been an issue. Maybe if compassion was never shown to you as a child, then you are unable to understand how to show it to yourself? I don't know. But I do know that it's something that eventually will have to come out in therapy. Thanks for expressing it so well.

TN

TN
Yep, I agree

quote:

Yeah, I have no compassion for either of us and that's always been an issue

I fnd it so difficult to find any compassion for my inner child - just feel sadness but mostly shame and self blame that is overwhelming. For someone else I know that I would feel that compassion and believe it in my heart but for me - well it's too too scary. I try to intellectualise it, understand competely why it wasn't my fault but don't know how I can get to believe it. TN you are so right, I know it has to come out in therapy....any ideas??!!

Helle, thanks for that. Have you always been aware of that or just since you've been in therapy? Do you do work on that with your T? Don't answer if you don't want to - I'm just wondering how or example, TN and I would go from not being able or wanting to go there, to where you are at now.....

starfish

Hi Starfish,
No I don't mind answering that question.
Most of the abuse happened at about age 4ish, but it was broken relationships that brought me into therapy. After a few sessions it had become clear to my T that the way I was trying to deal with the broken relationships were somehow connected with the sexual abuse- a neighbor, and the emotional abuse from family. My severe tough guy attitude was a mask. It covered layers of defences- which seemed to serve to protect the wounded child. I did not discover her until I started therapy, and I don't have many memories of her, but the ones I do have are powerful.I was extremely activated shortly after approaching "little girl territory", so clearly work had to be done in order to heal, or make any progress. My T stuck with the child part- still does. (In fact- he calls me Helle all the time- I think in an effort to keep her close. He feels that it is essential to forgive her in order to heal. Initially (for several months- she was referred to (by me) as the stupid girl. My T made it very clear, that she was 4, not stupid, but actually quite resilliant considering how I am as an adult, and the abuse she suffered.
He suggested that I carefully observe little girls at that age. Listen for their level of understanding in life. Observe how they interpret their world. Well, I did, and it broke my heart to see how sweet and innocent and lively, and curious, and honest, and eager to please four year old girls are. Most of all- they are trusting. How could I have known about what was happening to me. You see, I blamed myself for going along with this person. This abuse was more than a one time thing, and I fell for the typical ploy. He offered me candy, and he gave me attention. (Oh I am starting to cry- had not thought about this stuff in a while) I needed to forgive her, because she did not know what she was doing was wrong, and the man was kind to her. Well- do you get the idea?
It is quite possible that stuff happened even younger because of the silence I experience with her. My T says maybe she can't talk to me because she did not have the language to express what was happening or the understanding of the experience. Like I said- I have great feelings of aloneness, and some sadness, but no real memories of what happened before age 4ish.
Watching little girls interact and express themselves cured me of calling her the stupid dumb mute that should have known better. She was and is innocent.Sometimes I imagine my self picking her up and just holding her. Stroking her hair and lightly caressing her face to sooth her. She just rests her head on my shoulder.
I should caution you- this was really hard work for me. Lots of nights spent so activated (high anxiety) that I barely slept. For me the anxiety is most of the problem. My T thinks I run from depression, it is there, but somehow I don't feel it much or acknowledge it. But this sadness lurks in my inner being. I am sure it is connected to the little girl that does not speak. I get the sense she is in pain- physical or otherwise. IDK.
I hope this helps.

quote:

How did you find her? Seems a silly question and maybe simple to some, but I am so scared to look to my inner child for fear of what I will see - fear of more hurts I think. Is it a conscious 'looking in' or just a sense of that connection being there? You see, what if I look and remember the fears and don't know what to do, know how to comfort the child who has never let anyone do that? There is a part of me hurting so bad that lies behind the smiles and always being ok.

Hi Starfish & all,

I've been pondering these questions, and I have to say, I'm not sure of the answers! I've never done any direct inner child work with a T - or very little, anyway. I have written to my inner child and tried to let her write, but I find it hard to get a strong conscious image or connection that way. I did have that sense for a while, tried to work with her through writing in a nice space, but she just disappeared into the garden and didn't come back. Other times I too feel like I just don't want to look - there's still a part of me that feels like it's crying most of the time, and I suspect that's one version of her.

But when I read this thread, and LL's comments about feeling like a child ALL the time, I thought there's a sense that that's true for me too. And also I noticed how freaked out I was by the thought of HAVING to grow her up or let go of her through therapy or anything else - I just thought NO, NO NO NO!!! I can't have that!!

It was such a strong reaction that I started to wonder why, thinking what would I lose if I did grow her up? And then all that stuff hit me - that's what I would lose. I realised that even if I can't see her or talk to her all the time, or feel everything that she feels, she is still with me, and sometimes I can BE her in wonderful ways.

It feels like acknowledging all the great things that she is and gives me is really important. In my house when I was a kid, kids were usually just considered a nuisance. They were thought of as dependents who sucked resources and didn't contribute anything.

So I've been realising that if I think about my inner child that way - only noticing her "bad" stuff, wishing she would stop bothering me, I'm just being a mean old parent and a bad listener. And I'm missing all the lovely things she keeps giving me regardless.

I don't know if any of that helps - I still have work to do to let myself feel her/my sad and bad stuff too. But I'd love to hear more of all the work you guys are doing with this.

Oh, also I have the feeling that the time I've put into creative stuff in my life has really helped me with this - that even though I wasn't thinking directly of my inner child, that has given her a lot of space to be and to heal.

SG, please do post your list too when you can, I'd love to see it!

J

quote:

He suggested that I carefully observe little girls at that age. Listen for their level of understanding in life. Observe how they interpret their world. Well, I did, and it broke my heart to see how sweet and innocent and lively, and curious, and honest, and eager to please four year old girls are. Most of all- they are trusting.

Helle, I love this idea. Lately I have been wishing that I knew some 11 year old girls, so I could get an idea of what happened to me at that age. I already think of myself as basically grown up and responsible then, so it's hard to feel like anything that happened happened to a child.

It breaks my heart to know that you were feeling that responsibility at four, too. Your poor poor little one. No wonder she is sad. I'm really glad you are taking care of her - she sounds like such a gentle little sweetheart.

J

Hi all - I have never done any inner child work. Alot of your comments hit home with me. "Always feeling like a child" for instance. I have always felt like a child, never being taken seriously, always feeling less than when I compare myself to other people, etc. Mostly not liking that child who also went along because he was nice to me. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! (Me not any one else here) No that inner child I have always wanted to kill. I think that's where my depression and suicide attempts have come from. If I could get rid of her than that would be the end of things, finally. No more therapy, no more feeling like crap, and most of all no more little girl! Hate that child.
Smiley

Hi Smiley,

I'm in a bit of a rush, but I just wanted you to know that I read this post and I feel so deeply for you. What an awful bind to be in - to both BE that child and to feel that way about her.

Smiley, you didn't deserve what happened to you. Little kids don't understand what's really going on in these interactions. They have NO idea that actually someone is trying to hurt them. Often things are made to feel nice or be appealing in various ways for little kids because abusers want to get away with it. You were just a little innocent kid. I know that for sure. Little kids want attention, they want comfort, they want treats, and so on. They are so simple. They are not made to be wary of the world or to be clever or to second guess situations. That is not the job of childhood because children are not meant to be exploited.

I know you feel like you hate that little girl, but I know for sure that that hatred and fury belongs with someone else, who DOES deserve it. I hope you can start to send it in THAT direction and away from yourself.

Take care, Smiley. We are here for you.

Very well put, Jones. It sounds like you might be ready to observe the 11 year old in you.
I work with 11 year olds, mostly boys, but I have a few girls. Some want to be grown up, but clearly the ones I know are becoming book smart, but sweet and young socially. Fitting in to a girl group seems to be important to them. It appears to be a time of change and uncertainity for many of them. Some girls are beginning to define what is important- not yet acting on it though. Friends are more important than anything for the girls I know at that age.
These are just my observations.

Thank you Helle - that is really interesting. I had lots of disruptions/rejections with friend groups at that time and I remember it feeling like the most painful thing in the world. Worse than home stuff, because it was quite clear that something was wrong, that other kids were 'getting it' somehow in ways that I just didn't.

Thanks Jones for the input. I do know intellectually that the hatred should go somewhere else but the feelings for that girl for being so dumb don't go away. For the most part I ignore her but sometimes it gets hard to do that. Those are the times that I want to just die. I do understand what you are saying though. thanks

Smiley

My T says my husband keeps me "small"
He treats me like a child, keeps me isolated in his world the best he can. I wonder, is he able to control me so because he continues to attack my inner child. Manipulators can smell weakness. Once again, maybe my relationship has really been child abuse. I always thought of myself as the mature one in the relationship.
Now I wonder.

Smiley,
Other than the child-like attitude, what did the little girl do that makes you so angry with her. (I ask- because my T and I are working on repairing our relationship, because I made him angry, and the little girl does not know why? I know it is two different things, but just curious. (Share only if you feel like it.)

Lizzy girl- hang in there.
Is your husband a maniputator? Does he attack your inner child? Is that emotional abuse?
Be good to yourself!

Helle - I will answer your question kind of. Please be patient with me as I am a bit nervous about exposing too much of myself here. That child was stupid. I see her as deserving of what happened to her. She accepted the first for protection. The second was simply for herself - a way to escape without dying. All the rest was simply to please someone who could never ever be pleased with her.

Smiley

Smiley,
Please know- that you never, ever have to share a thing- that you are not ready to disclose. It is all about trust, and developing trust takes time, so do things in your own time- no one elses, ok? I am sorry if you have felt any pressure from me- truly did not mean to push or pry. I will be gentle with you, and you please be gentle with yourself.

I have been sharing my painful little girl stuff with my T and currently we are working on anger.
I think I have uncovered a misperception on my part regarding anger. You see anger is power and if any one gets angry with me- I have always believed they must be right, (because they have the power) and I must be wrong. After all what does the stupid little girl know. (my little one). I am learning how strong and pervasive my self doubts are.
My T is the expert, he is the Dr., he has the power, and he got angry with me so I must be wrong. I was apologizing to him without even knowing what I did. I wanted to fix things at any cost (well not any) My father got angry with me - with all of us, he is smart- so I must be wrong because I don't know any better. He was angry all of the time. So I never knew how to fix things, but I tried oh so hard to do just that. My Father was an alcoholic, he got angry if the sky was blue, or if his tea was not at the perfect temperature or whatever.
I triggered my T in a serious way, and now he too is working on his stuff because he is not sure what it was for him. He said that I should not be owning his stuff, and that he was wrong. He never got angry with a client before- ever. (Oh wonderful- don't I feel special being the first) I have never in my life worked through repairing a relationship after a break down.Always- either I was runnung away, or the other person was. Each of our accounts of what happened are different, so It is confusing. We have committed to healing and growning through this, though. He has always been attuned and has all of the other great characteristics of a wonderful T, so this is important.

Smiley be well- and take your time. Many, many Hugs.

quote:

The second was simply for herself - a way to escape without dying.

I have to say- escaping without dying sounds like a survival skill to me. Self preservation is a good thing. (Just my observation based on your words.
Be well, be safe, Smiley.

Helle - Please don't feel like you were pressuring me - you weren't. I appreciate and thank you for sharing your words and wisdoms here.
I'm glad your T and you and work on this together. That's what therapy does. And maybe you areok with "feeling special" because you are probably helping him also in his own journey even if he doesn't want to admit it.
As for the survival skill - you're right it was at the time. Now it just always seems like the only answer. I am so tired of this crap coming back, the depression and everything I just want out.
thanks again Smiley

(((((Smiley)))))Hang in there with us, ok?
Keep reading and keep posting. I have been sharing my stuff gradually for about a year - little more maybe, and-
there is an awful lot of genuine love and support here.
You will be able to connect with some more than others, but no matter what- we all care, and some know exactly what is in your heart- because they know your pain. That is why this works. Stay connected- we love hearing about you and your journey.
Helle