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Questions about trauma, attachment, and being in long term therapy

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Hi everyone,

There are some fairly basic therapy related questions I've wondered about-- probably ever since I first joined this site. I'm not even sure why I never asked. Maybe I thought they were things I should already know, or be able to find out on my own with a little research. However, I find I remain in the same unenlightened state so now am being so bold as to place my ponderings before you all.

In the early months of my therapy when I wanted to know what was "wrong with me", my T surprised me by saying that I had the symptoms and characteristics of a trauma survivor. I knew I had had some difficult experiences, but I had never thought of myself in those terms before.

Then when I started interacting on the forum, I noticed that people (maybe most of you) would refer to trauma fairly regularly, and also that a lot of you seemed to be having the same attachment issues that I was.

Some things I've wondered--

Do attachment injuries and trauma always go hand in hand? (i.e. if you've had one are you bound to have the other as well?)

Is trauma of one kind or another always involved for those who end up requiring long term therapy?

Is there really a big difference between trauma survivors and the rest of the world, or do we all struggle with the same basic stuff on more of a continuum? Sometimes it seems people talk about it as if there's this dichotomy (I guess that's the right word?) where you have one group that has experienced trauma and another that is just. . . people. I find I don't like thinking of myself as in a separate category from the rest of humanity, but at the same time I do feel like I can click with and relate to people here in a way that I generally don't with those I encounter in the course of my life IRL. I wonder if this is due more to having had similar experiences or having adopted a similar paradigm (trauma/attachment/therapy/healing) for interpreting those experiences?

Lastly. . . have you had trouble accepting the idea of yourself as a trauma victim/survivor? How have you dealt with that?

I know this is a lot of questions. Feel free to just answer whatever stands out to you, or that you feel you have thoughts on that you'd like to share. Thanks to any that have read this far. Smiler

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B bltMember
I have given a lot of thought to this issue.

Shrinklady once said to me that *all* of us have had some trauma. I think it depends on how you define trauma, and on the degree, but in a sense I believe she's right. Nobody gets through life without facing some really hard experiences that can leave lasting marks. Not all of us develop flashbacks and other typical PTSD symptoms, but all of us have wounds in our past somewhere. Just some have more than others.

I think maybe it's more about growth an development than it is about "trauma" per se. Some people are in long term therapy because they *need* to grow and heal because their lives have become unmanageable. And some are in long term therapy because they want to put in the time to continue growing and healing in that way. People start from different places, depending on the resources and obstacles they've faced in their lives so far. Some people are more ready to face things in therapy than others. Some people prefer to use other ways of growing and healing besides therapy.

I don't think there can be a clear delineation between trauma survivors and "normal people" though.
L lieseMember
(((HELD)))

Okay, I've done a bit of reading on this and from what I understand, trauma does not always equal attachment injury. The thing is, you could have had a secure attachment but experienced a trauma later in life or presumably even in childhood: a car accident or earthquake. So one could have PTSD symptoms but not have an attachment injury.

It seems to me though, that the reverse is not true. That if you have an attachment injury, there is likely trauma there somewhere, whether it's Big T Trauma, as they call it: physical and/or sexual abuse or relational trauma - emotional abuse.

People who have had one traumatic event don't often need long-term therapy.

quote:
Is there really a big difference between trauma survivors and the rest of the world, or do we all struggle with the same basic stuff on more of a continuum?


It would seem to be on a continuum. As BLT said, we've all experienced trauma of one sort or another. I heard a psychologist say in relation to the Sandy Hook tragedy, that experiencing at least one trauma in a lifetime is just part of the experience of being human. But it would seem that yes, you could potentially have someone at one end who has never experienced a trauma to someone at the other end whose life has been one trauma after another.

It would seem to me that any one of us would relate to someone who has experienced a similar amount of trauma as we have. Maybe a little more or a little less but if there was too much of a differnce, I'd think it would be hard to connect.

quote:
have you had trouble accepting the idea of yourself as a trauma victim/survivor? How have you dealt with that?


Held, it actually made me feel SO much better because I have felt tortured my whole life. It helped me to feel as though it wasn't just me but that there were other forces involved. Sometimes it does feel like a heavy burden because when I think of going back out into the real world and having to deal with people who have been relatively pampered and feeling as if I have SOOO many problems and what is wrong with me, etc. etc. But hopefully, when I get to that point, I will be in a good enough place so that I can handle it. But it just explains so much about me and who I am and what I've gone through and for the most part, helps me feel better about myself.

Did I talk too much? Wink
L lieseMember
HELD,

Had another thought about the long-term therapy thing. I was convinced I'd be done with therapy in a year or two and was horrified when I was still there after 3 years. A huge part of that was the incompatibility at that time between me and my T - but still. I've come to terms with it now because it's really all about the brain and changing the brain. It just takes a long time - not because we are really sick but because things get really engrained and are resistant to change. Learning to depend upon someone in a healthy way when we were never given the chance to do so before takes a long time and a lot of testing - at least for me. And, you know what? It feels good. It feels good that there is someone in this world who knows everything there is to know about me and won't judge me or won't push their own agenda on me and who only wants the best for me. How awesome is that? We should all be so lucky, right? Why not stretch out that experience for as long as you can or want to?

That said, you are much younger than I am and so hopefully your brain will change a lot faster. Smiler

P.S. Conan O'Brien, for one, has been in therapy for a long time. Don't know if that makes you feel any better. The brain is really complicated. It's something that I've really come to believe in and not feel ashamed of - though I still wouldn't talk about it with my mother. LOl! It's helping me to become a better human being.
B bltMember
After considering this a bit more, I think that attachment issues are probably more strongly correlated with the need for long term therapy than trauma per se. As Liese said, for people with secure attachment, they can sometimes resolve a traumatic event like being attacked or in a car crash in a matter or a few sessions. On the other side, there's someone like me. There's no "big-T" trauma I can point to in my life and yet it has taken me over a year in therapy so far to resolve my attachment issues. This is not as long as it would have taken if I'd had trauma in addition, I am sure, but it's still a fair amount of therapy in my opinion.

On the other hand, lots of people with similar attachment issues to me never go to therapy. They just continue to struggle through and either work them out in some other way, or continue to be adversely affected by them for the duration of their lives.
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Thanks BLT and Liese for your thoughtful replies. These were helpful.

I suppose I have all these things swirling about in my head and want to know-- which factors were the *really* significant ones in shaping the problems that developed? I like to make sense of things for myself and also to know how my own stuff would be understood in the wider world (well of sensitive and psychologically minded people at any rate)-- the fact that this might be a futile endeavor (don't we to some extent make up the meaning of the events of our lives?) is a bit frustrating!

On the other hand, as has been said before, personal growth and healing are worthy goals in their own right and it's not like I need to figure out the origins of everything for the sake of justifying my need/desire for those things. Still I imagine it could help with understanding, to the extent that it's possible. I think maybe there are just some things I am still struggling to accept.

I tend to blame most of my symptomatology on relational trauma from my late teens and then again in my early twenties. T has been more inclined to assign importance to earlier childhood stuff (which hasn't seemed as significant to me historically), and also to theorized attachment failures in very early childhood (like under 3 as she has suggested).

Heh, I didn't even know I had "attachment issues" until I developed this intense and regressive clingy attachment to T within a few months of beginning therapy!

quote:
And, you know what? It feels good. It feels good that there is someone in this world who knows everything there is to know about me and won't judge me or won't push their own agenda on me and who only wants the best for me. How awesome is that? We should all be so lucky, right? Why not stretch out that experience for as long as you can or want to?


This makes sense too! Right now I feel as if I'd like to keep T around forever. Even after I stop regular therapy it would be nice to go in for a session a couple times a year just to keep the connection. I can't fathom just never seeing her again. But. . . baby steps. I'll see if I can keep this two week thing going for awhile and maybe transition to once a month sometime in 2013.

Thanks again you two for reading, sharing your thoughts, and listening to my babbling. Smiler
Last edited by heldincompassion
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Was thinking a little more about this and I realized it probably boils down to me wondering which events are statistically significant when I take stock of where I am now and who I am. When I think about how T has told me I have "the symptoms and characteristics of a trauma survivor", I wonder how much that label which I'm not always even sure I accept, really does describe me.

I know she wouldn't want me to think about it like this. She's very big on people not being defined by labels. It's just hard not to think of it that way when so much of what I deal with in and out of therapy is understood along those lines.

At the same time I see what Liese says, there can be a feeling of relief with accepting this-- it's like, okay, now there's a reason why I struggle so much with things that apparently come easily to many others.

Heh, sorry for all the self referential navel gazing you guys. Embarrassed I really am interested in hearing how others relate these ideas to themselves, if anyone else feels like pitching in.
L lieseMember
(((HELD))))

It IS difficult to wrap my head around it too. I don't want the label to define me. I didn't struggle with the trauma label but I have struggled with other labels. I can relate to how it might feel foreign and as if it solely and completely defines who we are. You shouldn't question that you are struggling with the label. You are and that's okay. You have to work it through until you understand what it means for you and feel at peace with it.

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