I'm so sorry, Cat. Hugs to you.

Oh, Cat.

In a hurry right now, but couldn't see this without sending hugs. I can relate to the need to get away from therapy, rediscover your own stillness. I hope you will stay gentle and safe, breathe.

I am so sorry for all the pain you must be in.

I think I understand I small shadow of what you are describing here, particularly the idea that maybe it is for the best that you choose not to continue therapy because of the fear of the amount of pain and work that it will entail. I have been struggling with that for the last couple of weeks as well.

I'm sorry for how much you hurt and for the experiences you have had that leave you with so much self-hatred that you want to hide yourself.

I am sitting with you

Cat,
I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. Just gonna send out good feelings for you! You are really special...I just always really have liked you since I've corresponded on here. Take care Cat.


Hopeful

((( cat ))) i am so sorry for your pain right now. i really can't respond now, but i wanted to let you know that i read your post and i feel for you. keep writing here if it helps, and know that we all care about you. you're not any of the things you describe. be good to yourself and take care, cat..

((((CAT))))

I don't know what happened for you but I know that sometimes I feel like something gets out of the box I try to keep it in. I feel very out of control when it happens. It's very scary and I hate it. I think it has something to do with a side of me that I try to hide from other people.

If your T's are still willing to see you, then it can't be that bad. I'm just assuming it was something that happened between you and your T's from what you said. That's why I said that.

((((CAT))))

Hi Cat... I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now and the self-hatred that feels so overwhelming. I, too, know the feeling of working hard in therapy and then getting to that wall that you just cannot get over. It stops you and you back up and try to figure the way around it instead of going through it and it's so scary and it feels like if you get through the wall then you lose control of all your "stuff".

That giving up control part has been hard for me too and my T keeps reminding me that I am not the one in control... he is. That feels both scary and comforting at the same time.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Maybe you just need a break. In any case, I hope you will continue to come here for support.

Best
TN

Dear (((Cat)))

I'm so sorry.

I too feel I just can't change enough.

That being known is dangerous, not just for me to risk, but I am risking others' well-being as well.

It is painful to me, and horribly confusing, the good image my T has of me.

I don't know what is going on with your exact situation...but, I do know I've felt how you are saying. I often want to aspire to less to just keep the control that comes with living in the safe lines, even if it means no one can come through them.

I hope you will be able to call and let your T know why you can't come, but I can understand the need to just run and not give the opportunity to be seen doing it. Whatever you do, whether it is go anyway, skip and quit, take a break...I'm here with you. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Sometimes, I can barely stand to realize I exist. That's where I am tonight and it resonates with the feelings you describe. I wish I could just come over there and give you a hug right now.

((((Cat)))

Just wondering how you're doing today?

(((Cat)))) I'm so sorry...

((CAT))

Dearest Cat,

Thank you for writing all this out, for trusting in communication enough to do that. There's a lot that I felt and want to say in response to what you wrote, I hope this is okay for you. I don't know if I can phrase it all the right way, so I'm just going to throw what I can out there and see what happens - I'm sorry if any of it hits the wrong notes. Sorry for the numbers, it will help me get to everything I'm thinking!

1)What is happening to you, including what has happened to you recently, is not your fault. It's just not. You are struggling to stay in control of it while also struggling with the self-hatred and I understand that the roots of the self-hatred and control are really deep but please, please, please keep trying to see a fundamental truth here: you did not choose the things that happened to you. You did not choose the pain you are in. You are coping the best you can right now and have been all along. What is happening to you is NOT your fault. If you can see this you can see that disappointment in yourself comes from another planet - we do the best we can. We try. And when we are unable to meet our own expectations, we need compassion, and the knowledge that we did our best and we will continue to do our best with the resources that we have, learning all the while.

2) It may be true that there is a 'situation', and that your team (and you) are needing to manage it. The situation is not you. It doesn't cancel out Cat and it never will. You are here, you continue, and the people who love you love you, and your Ts and P know on one level or another that you are still there even if/while they are trying to manage the situation. You may need to remind them that you need to know that? Because as always when people are trying to manage something they can get single-minded. But you are you. Not the situation. And not just the good image, nor just the bad image. Just you. Your Ts and P and loved ones are capable of seeing, knowing, loving that, even while 'managing' or even reacting or doing whatever. This is not the end or conclusion of anything - it's just one moment in a process where everyone is continually reconfiguring. From here all things are possible.

3) You are not back where you started. Just as nothing can erase the pains you've suffered, nothing can erase the learning that you've done, the healing that you've done, the love you have given and received. It's all still there. Your relationship to it can change and evolve over time, but it's part of you now. It may be that right now that feels like a weight and a burden and something to be scared of - if we love people and connect to them we can hurt and be hurt - but that is just one facet of this too, and it all evolves. Love and connection are also a resource, an anchor, a sustenance, a challenge to growth, so many other things.

4) I don't know if it's the right time to talk about this but I really believe control is mostly a mind trick that gives us a little bit of temporary surface comfort. We don't control our feelings. They are there or they're not. Behaviour is a little bit more complex. But I strongly believe that when one tries to control one's presence out of existence in the world, it generally just explodes more loudly. That's true even with the 'final solution', and not in any temporary way either. It might feel horrible to think that one is here and known in the world and has no real choice over that - but maybe it's freeing too. We're all in the same boat. None of us gets to be as good as we'd like. We're here, we stink, we eat and crap and use stuff up and make waste and love and need and hurt and hurt others. LOTS. Unceasingly. Freedom and joy are there in that too.

5) If no one can seem to understand, keep talking. Keep saying. I believe very deeply that what is happening to you now is not a reverse of your journey, or an interruption of your journey, or you falling off the track or something. It's just the next part. I know you for someone who loves life and who has seen and felt the beauty in the smallest things - a single breath, a colour, a movement. And from that comes your deep passion for healing and feeling and bringing more peace and joy into the world. That has not disappeared. For all you are shocked and exhausted and in need of solace and replenishment and rest, that is still you, Cat. Nothing would convince me otherwise.

I send you so much love.

Jones

((((Cat))))
Wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and sending love through the ether.
I don't know if it will help to be reminded that although your feelings are very real and difficult, what they are telling you isn't necessarily "true". Feeling worthless doesn't mean we ARE worthless.
Take care xxx

((Cat)) How are you doing?

I wanted to thank you all for your support, and words. None of them have gone unheard... and Jones (and everyone) no wrong chords hit, it helps to get a little cognitive and to think.

I am obligated by my insurance to go to at least my next scheduled three appointments with T1, one with T2, and my one with my P this week. So, I did see T1 yesterday. It was awkward because she brings my attention to pushing her away - she's really blunt. The problem is, I do feel close... all the time, in session, out of session. Actively pushing her away and resetting my boundaries (either by quitting which I still intend a break but need to think more) and trying to isolate is difficult to do when she reaches out to me. Yesterday I just ended up closer, and picking up exactly where I was before I felt objectified by my treatment team.

I feel fragile and am being careful and kind to myself, I have no ability right now to punish myself and no one is really willing to do that for me. It's all just a mess inside and I want to be alone while I do it.

I told her, I only want to be around people who dislike me right now, I only want to be around people I feel who will punish me. I've been around an exceeding amount of care recently, much gentler than deserved. Compassionate in a very confusing way.

I have... a lot to say, but I can't right now, and I'll update with clearer details when I'm emotionally able to.

I'm just scared. Somewhere in a grey area with myself.. have you ever thought terrible things about yourself and had this situation where you can't actually FEEL that at the moment? It's like in a way emotionally I have my 'kid' up front, and cognitively I have me, but a watered down version. I can tell myself I hate myself and want to disappear but I'm not getting the emotional satisfaction of doing so, and I just stop.

I'm just someone else right now. I don't want to be someone else because I don't know how to control someone else..

I'm stopping making sense I meant to keep this short. I'll be back later but appreciate the support, truly. Let me know if any of you are secretly wizards, or witches, or magic, secretly attend hogwarts, etc... because I need intervention beyond what I'm humanly capable.

Oh, Cat...

quote:

have you ever thought terrible things about yourself and had this situation where you can't actually FEEL that at the moment? It's like in a way emotionally I have my 'kid' up front, and cognitively I have me, but a watered down version. I can tell myself I hate myself and want to disappear but I'm not getting the emotional satisfaction of doing so, and I just stop.

Yes...I'm here right now. I have been thinking all the same things about myself and was hoping I'd get some sort of satisfaction out of quitting, but I haven't.

I'm glad you're being kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, you truly do.

((kash))

well, i was terminated by t2 today so. that sort of worked out. i left, well, ungrounded but worked with the receptionist to help me out. then saw my P to ground a bit.

things happen for a reason, but, it sucks to be abandoned first. there is the option of more sessions to end but quite frankly i don't need the closure. i think there is a sense of profound relief on both sides, despite her harshness being difficult to take in the sensitive state i'm in. it felt a little cruel on that front. but it's over, it sucks, but it's over.

i've actually known two other clients that terminated with t2 in sort of a similar manner. she is the 'smile and move on type' both of them really got the impression (at least from my conversations with them, because we used to be in the same treatment) that once T2 had written them off, they were written off.

it's hard to have less outside support, and some of the things she said (I couldn't talk, I couldn't move - but she really couldn't and didn't do anything aside from ask me if i had anything to say...and, I really had nothing that would come out of my mouth, no thoughts, just blank.

when i left, after not being able to say much and to go sit in another room (i asked the receptionist to hold my hand a bit to help me make it out of there and my P helped me ground and held the space while i cried an hour later) my t said 'always focusing on the negative...' and those were the parting words.

i wanted something more gentle, but... this one has been foreshadowed for a while. sucks it was out of my control.

things are really hard right now. i was really made to be a villain by her. she even mentioned i need to build my own resources. she very clearly knows me even less than i thought she did. her personal life got involved in this a while ago, and it hit such a deep nerve nothing has been the same since.

today i really needed... something gentle not so much clinical stuff. i guess... that wasn't really forefront on her mind. kind of confirms what happened with the last two i knew who saw her.

we did a lot of good work together. i'm still debating on my t and p (who i had to go see yesterday and now p today). i can't explain the level of empathetic understanding, space, quiet and gentleness i received. i felt no objectification t2 was just hard. but, as i said, a very clear communicated relief on her end, and she told me i should feel relieved as well.

(((CAT)))

That all sounds very harsh!

((((CAT))))

Sending hugs. Hope you are able to get some support from T1. I know this probably doesn't help but from what you said about the fallout in December, it sounded like the relationship was doomed. You were incredibly generous in terms giving her a 2nd chance because it sounds like she really blew it back then. It does stink that she's the one that terminated. I would have wanted to have been to walk away too but that's very hard for me to do. It's so hard to walk away from an intimate relationship.

((Star))

((Liese)) yep! It's been a long time coming. But, what I am learning is that I can love someone, I can try my best... and that I can and many times have to leave them behind and that it's okay - however it happens. It is hard to leave an intimate relationship, but when it's ultimately hurting you... this is a good, though heartwrenching, experience I think will help me if I'm in unhealthy relationships in the future... instead of staying so long convinced if I just take enough control it will be better. I gave her way more than a 2nd chance she gave me chances too because in both of our attempts to reattune there was a lot of hurt, and aggressive feelings on both sides.

(((CAT)))

quote:

instead of staying so long convinced if I just take enough control it will be better.

Know that thinking very well. Hopeful thinking, isn't it? I know it's been hard for you but you sound so grounded and amazing.

I have decided I need T1 and my P in my therapy right now. The shame is still overwhelming and I'm dealing with an intense urge to run.

I've been looking around for T2's replacement, but haven't found one yet. I'm on the waiting list for a T now at the same place she works. I saw T2 today to have sort of a goodbye session - I painted her something and brought her a card.

Thankfully, the day before I was able to see T1 and she suggested just about the only thing that would work out or could carry me with the added support of grounding until I am able to get on with someone else that I like (and likes me). What T suggested I say seemed reasonable and I went in to session with T2 today prepared for it to be the last time, and also prepared to negotiate one final thing.

I ended up negotiating. To do a specific part of our work and not talk about my personal life outside of my anxiety and eating disorder (my two goals there). That's I'd do body work and that's it. So she's moved from a T to a massage therapist/dietician essentially.

I explained very non-judgementally and without focusing on the little stuff (BIG DEAL FOR ME) and T1 said that all the anger, hatred, disappointment, rage, etc that I've been trying to resolve w/ my old T be brought over to our relationship to process and anything with T2 (and eventually newT2) with be strictly grounding. I told T2 that the intellectual and emotional attunement was gone, and that in the attempts to fix it that even more was gone. That the relationship was emotionally re-traumatizing and particularly re-enacting because of my inability to work it out, and in the end... her acceptance of no fault at all.

She didn't say one sorry, one positive thing about our work up until that point, nothing positive about me, nothing positive about me and the changes I've made. The times she did talk were to add irrelevant points to "defend herself". At one point I calmly said to her that...my experience of how I was being talked to last session was that it was not gentle and attuned with what I needed after getting out of the ICU/hospital 3 days earlier - with my cardiologist breathing down my neck about avoiding stress. So I said my experience was I felt talked at not with. And she replied that what she said she had to say. And I said, I'm not saying that I do not accept what you said, I'm talking about my experience of the delivery...

You can see why this relationship isn't working out. My T is very highly out of her depth and has a much more limited (5yrs professional) experience than T1 (30+ years experience). I'm not exactly the easiest client on earth to handle. I also explained to T2 who told me "I am NOT your mother and I am NOT your father this transference ENDS NOW"... that I am well aware she is the object of my transference, that I am able to separate the two but at times my emotions and traumatized brain do not override what I know. She explained in some empathetic way that it made sense... which was weird because that didn't matter 5 days ago. I told her that the transference is still there, that I do have things to work on but that having her as both the object and the person to work on the pain through was not effective. That I sort of had to compartmentalize and cut a slice of that part of our "relationship" away and bring it to the arena with T1. This whole mess has wasted so much time in my therapy.

She didn't seem to care about the things I gave her to symbolize the "death" of our talk-therapy relationship. Nor did she offer a hug at the end of session like was our tradition... she was okay with just doing the body work "if that's what I guess I wanted". I wrote her a nice card, that was about all the positive things I've gained (and even though she did get defensive and take jabs at me sometimes I would clarify what I was discussing and I didn't give examples back... because there is just no point telling her all the ways she has hurt me. I did explain some of the situations from last session that she was unaware of. Her response to the card was "thanks, it was nice."

This is what is so hard about therapy... that the relationship is so not reciprocal. My T2 checked out of being dedicated to our work quite a while ago. I told my T that it was hard for me to let in attunement, which is why I wasn't feeling it, because I did bring feelings of resentment, anger, rage, disappointment and at time hatred. To which my T responded "Well if you felt so much intense hate for someone, why on earth would you want to work with them on a relationship?" I took slow and careful time to explain to her that "I FEEL hatred at times, but I do not HATE you, and I kept working because it was so important to me to fix this, because it's a skill I want to have". Do you see what I'm dealing with? She makes assumptions. She's like having a version of me in therapy - only one of us is allowed to blow stuff out of proportion and get upset - that's me gosh darn it!

We discussed it will be a difficult and awkward position for me to be still feeling so intensely, still desperately wanting to resolve things but having to wait until I see T1. One thing I wished for was that she would care, or give me an indication that she did. That she would say she was sad, or worked hard because she wanted it to work too, or SORRY this was so painful, or I really wish it didn't have to go this way... T2 has always been at heart a CBT/DBT type (and again, she's a baby T so not experienced as much in the relational stuff - and not to the degree of my traumatization there). Basically it was a 'sure if that works for you' 'yep k bye' no hug situation. I wasn't saying I wanted absolutely no good rapport with her. To feel physical comfortable enough to do our bodywork I do have to trust her - and I completely trust her with my body but there is gentless.... compassion... love... sweetness that I need from her... that is just gone. ... so now I think she is assuming what I want... and I'm not really sure what it is yet.

There is definitely more of a separation and distance than I expected from this. But I expected it to be over (it was over, on her terms) last session and this was our last goodbye but I at least have a crutch until I get something else and if that is also retraumatizing... then I will leave and just wait. I have 24/7 phone but... no more writing of any sort since she is incapable of not being an asshat.

I just.... I really wish the relationship felt the same... that I was in some way important to her... not even in the same way the relationship was important to me but that it mattered to her it was changing... and it was clear it doesn't. This is still I have to work out with T1 since... I don't go there anymore w/ T2. At one point T2 said something that has kind of had me fretting... she said "the therapy/treatment failed you, it's not anyone's fault". The thing is, and T1 agrees with me... is that... my therapy is MINE. It's conducted through a relationship but ultimately... it belongs to me, I pay for it, the work belongs to me, I drive the sessions/what I want... it's mine. So I feel like she was saying "you failed at this, and I had nothing to do with it". Again, the way I was discussing with her was not soliciting apologies, or placing blame anywhere it was just having a frank discussion that intellectually (thoughts I mean) and emotionally we were not on the same page and after a very long time of fighting... I'm leaving the library to find even the BOOK her page is in.

This made me think of my P who terminated me when I first got out of the hospital and started my therapy stuff 3 years ago. It reminds me I've been in the hospital 4 times... it reminds me I'm not going fast enough... caused me to feel like maybe T1 is just crazy and holding out because she's really strong that way... That I'm difficult and hard to work with... and then when I do find a new adjunct... they won't like me either. T2 once told me that almost anyone who didn't like her was a narcissist (like I said... she's working through he own stuff and... is a new T) and I really don't believe that about myself. I did apologize to her once that if I had offended her I was sorry and she said 'That's okay, I know *I* am a good person". Then said nothing about sorry it has been so hard on me, too or for anything she may have contributed....

It makes me bitter because even though I went in there not wanting to blame, or scold because I wanted this transition/ending to go well and save my emotions for processing w/ T1.... I still wanted to feel like there was something there. I wanted to feel like what I had been grieving this past week - what is gone, lost, never to be reclaimed, actually had more value than just to me... that maybe the other person was in any way invested and... it appears not. I called T1 (poor woman,, I've called her a lot tonight I went in to extreme meltdown crisis where if I wasn't good to my body I'd end up in the ER again so i called a friend... then some SI came up really bad so I called a friend to come over for a movie. I'm resourceful. Even thouhg in the session before this T2 told me that "I need not to reply on others". She knows nothing about me. I need to learn to rely on others and this was such a great learning experience... because I felt safe... safe saying I wasn't okay and safe with their supportive reactions.

Anyway... hating myself wishing I had gotten some validation... when I spoke with T1 on the phone she gave me her speculation that maybe in the 'the therapy has failed you' comment she meant... not that I failed (though I still can't see it any other way) but as her way of declairing "bankruptcy" is how she explained it... that she was saying 'we sucked and it didn't work and it can't be salvaged' that's already what I was saying. I just... don't know how to keep going with a "therapeutic failure" that... At the end of the day I did the very best I could to cope... to love.. to be compassionate and sweet... to salvage... to save to work hard even when the ship burned, and sank... I rode that wreckage down. I just wish she could realize she didn't handle the situation well, and she was out of her depth and not allowing me to take more. But maybe it is me because this whole situation was so traumatizing (for the past many months)....

I'm starting to dissociate in to another world and i'm feeling a little unsafe.

Time for bed. Sorry this was so long, I'm just hurting so badly right now. So badly.

Anyway, sorry. i'm in a very bad place right now.

((catalyst)) your hurt and shame is almost palpable. I am sooooo sorry you are going through this dreadful and painful experience. It is really important that you remember you didn't fail, T2 failed you because (as you so aptly described more than once) she was out of her depths with you and wasn't able to handle the process the way an experienced T would be expected to. Im also going to make a general statement here that a lot of Ts have never had their own therapy and hence have no idea of their own issues and vulnerable spots they need to keep an eye out for. If you dont know yourself deeply, you cant work with complex clients on a relational level (which is the level complex clients almost always have to work on to get better) because its almost impossible to keep the field clear for the clients issue alone. I get so irate when T's end up directly or indirectly blaming clients for the therapy failing because they can't see past their own narcissism to consider their own contribution. Huge hugs, love and thoughts to you dear cat xxxx

Hey Cat,

I am sorry that I can't offer any advice about this as it is a bit triggering for me about Old T and my T is leaving for an extended holiday, but I wanted to know that I am thinking of you and feel so sad that this is such a shitty time for you.

Somedays

((Cat))
I am sorry for what you are going through. Its hard to lose any important relationship and the therapeutic one carries such symbolistic weight. I really truly, honestly believe that your T2's relative inexperience in the field meant that you outgrew her. A therapist can only take you as far as they themselves have gone. I wish that she was able to recognize her own shortcomings and contribution to this situation but it may just be too threatening for her to recognize. In the time I have known you, you have been a very hardworking client with a huge respect for the boundaries and while being honest about your feelings, have owned your own transference. I think she just got in over her head, but isn't able to acknowledge that. I hate the fact that you would take that on as something wrong with you.

I think the really strong alliance and trust you have with T1 (the much more experienced T) is a testament to just what kind of client you are. But this is of course going to trigger up a lot of old feelings and I think that you are like me, in that the old stuff comes with a boatload of shame. Be gentle with yourself, its what you deserve.


love, AG

((GE)) Thank you, I always find your replies so helpful. It is very hard to work with complex clients without going to a relational level. So, with what I told her yesterday I don't know if I said I didn't want a relationship - I still need one of some sort. It was definitely a strong push away. I've been really upset today that she had nothing positive to add, or say, in response... to say I was strong or... good... or anything. I apologized if through the course of our trying to repair that I was sometimes really upset and attacking. Her response was "It's okay, I know myself and that I'm a good person, so thank you". But nothing about the deep pain she has caused me. I needed to say what I did, even my expressions of positivity, and I can feel those w/o someone else feeling them... but it hurts none the less. It sucks when Ts blame clients, or at least... the client feels blame.

((SD)) Thank you so much for your support and sorry it has been triggering. Terminations are always difficult to read about, even when you haven't experienced them directly... and even more when you have, I know...

((AG)) Thank you. What really hit home was just T1 validating that the therapy does belong to me, it felt like.. responsibility, but, that's not what she meant... and we'll clear it up today. And it is so awfully true that a T can only take you as far as they have been She has true talent, but not for what I needed and I know I am a rough, tough cookie to work with - I've always been. I'm not openly defiant, or avoid working hard, but I push those around me to work hard... and I stand up for my moral grounds. Despite how I've reacted to my parents... the rest of the world is stuck dealing with a very driven, opinionated, sweet but confident individual. I hate the fact I'm taking on things wrong with me too.. but they'll correct in time. This whole thing has been... re-traumatizing, a re-enactment... so tied to the very core of my issues that the aftermath is both great in what I can work through and great in bringing up old coping stuff. I feel like, and thank you for the compliment and I'm sorry I can't take it on right now, the strong alliance with T1 is more a testament to her experience and ability to wrangle a very difficult, horrible client. This icky pity for myself will go away... in time.... and that boat of shame will sink a little, in to little bits I'll float on rather than a huge ship I'll ride on. To eventually swimming to shore.

**

A small update, I did titrate well with my friends, and writing things out here allowed me to pass gently in to sleep. I left T1 a series of messages last night, just as my anchor between doing things that would help me. I was so dead tired today I slept in until pretty late and she'd called me 3 times basically to make sure I wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere. It's a good thing I answered on her 3rd call or I probably would have been woken up in what barely could constitute as sleepwear by the police doing a well check. My poor T... I'm at high risk right now getting out of the hospital recently. I really feel I need to go back there for some safety, because I feel really unsafe right now, but I was able to handle last night. I don't feel suicidal, I just feel like... I want to drop out for a while and that I may need more support than what I can reach out to. I want my Mom... or at least my fantasy (best version) of my Mom to be here. I don't want to contend with having to talk but I feel like I need someone to contain me and be vigilant... I can do it myself but with my health and mental state right now it's hard.

It's not just the immediate situation, but the profound sadness and losses of my childhood, coupled with what I was already difficultly processing. A long weekend... weekends are the hardest... with the loss of support I used to have there. I'm trying to busy my mind, and plan things... I've let my friend know I may need to spend the night, and he's okay with that... said I could call any time that he had his phone by his bedside w/ the ringer on to be there. I just don't want to need anything... I wish sometimes, and I hope this doesn't trigger, that I liked any substance that could put me to sleep enough that this time passes. But unfortunately, I have to go through it. Whatever I can do will be the absolute best I can do and I refuse to hurt more than I already am. It's just hard to love yourself enough.. with where I'm at.

((((CAT)))))

Sending big hugs. Don't know if you are feeling better today but I sure hope so. The one thing, though, that she can't take away is your feelings about the therapy and about her. Just because it didn't seem like she didn't appreciate it as much as you did doesn't mean you can't have your own feelings about it although how she seemed to feel about it would probably change how you feel about the experience.

A therapist wrote that therapy failure is always the fault of the therapist. Not that we want to blame. You know you tried and were continuing to go in there to give 100% right up to the bitter end.

quote:

told my T that it was hard for me to let in attunement, which is why I wasn't feeling it, because I did bring feelings of resentment, anger, rage, disappointment and at time hatred. To which my T responded "Well if you felt so much intense hate for someone, why on earth would you want to work with them on a relationship?"

My T has asked me that same question at times. The thing is, as much as you might have felt hate towards her but didn't hate her, maybe there was more negative there than positive at some point. It's like there is a tipping point when things start to slide one way.

quote:

I kept working because it was so important to me to fix this, because it's a skill I want to have".

I understand about wanting to have that skill but sometimes people are too hard to deal with and why put yourself through that when you could have smoother sailing with another therapist? KWIM? Maybe it just doesn't HAVE to be that hard.

Being able to recognize when something is not working is also an awesome skill to have. My T used to say that it's just a case of big cog, little cog. I used to hate that but he's right. She has her own baggage and her own attachment style. Maybe there is some of her own transference at work here.

((((CAT)))))

sending big hugs

((Cat)) so glad i could say something to help. you need and deserve a relationship with someone who is able to give you what you need and keep the field clear of their own problems. Despite all the good things about your T it really seems like she can't see that she has hurt you. She reminds me a bit of my aunt who is a psychologist but parades around saying "i never hurt"; IMHO you can't be a member of the human race and never hurt someone. its a defence against shame and a blind spot that can really interfere with a therapy relationship. and you feel blamed because she is putting the shame on you rather than taking it on herself. classic projection.

I know all too well wishing for the fantasy mother to come and take care of your and how much you can end up hating your own feelings of neediness because of the shame and self hatred that gets kicked up. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job loving yourself. We all love you here too xxxxx