Closed Door, You have just described me 100%, like you I so want to move forward but can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try

(((CD)))

I've come to a place of always questioning the concept of 'failing', as you said failing before you begun. I know it feels so strongly like that, but have you really failed? In my eyes, you are still going, hard as it is, still making steps. And you are learning. Even through this experience, you are able to identify what you want to do with t, what you wish to be able to say. That is still progress. I know I was once at a point I didn't even know what I wanted to be different. Couldn't even articulate if there was something to be said at any point in time, during the week or at the appointment.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to try emailing T those positive feelings and ideas as soon as you feel them between sessions, maybe it would help bridge the gap between the excitement and anxiety... and if T becomes aware of your insights between sessions you won't have to kick start the discussion when you get back? Just brainstorming... not sure if helpful or not...

As far as the why... the best I've learned for myself was from some things I got pointed in the direction of from AG, about disorganized attachment. For me my attachment figure was a source of comfort and threat, so my brain goes haywire with needing and running away. No idea if that may fit for you, but learning about that has helped me make sense of some things

I'm sorry it's so frustrating

big hugs

This resonates with me too loud and clear All the things I thought and pondered during the week would vanish into thin air as soon as I walked in the door and it left me feeling really stupid.

So I started writing things down during the week, knowing I was going to hand them over to T. I felt really uncomfortable doing so, but she was so positive in her response to my thoughts and questions and it gave us a good opening to the session. If you could do this I would urge you to give it a go, I cannot tell you how many deep breaths and leaps of faith it took just to hand that piece of paper over, but I never regretted it.

So sorry it's tough, you're not on your own with that one

starfishy

(((CD))) You are very much describing something I experience all the time. I think of it as a ballistic flight path. When you start, you accelerate as fast as you can towards your destination, but at some point, the rocket ship has to flip AWAY from its destination and start accelerating away from it, in order to slow down and not crash into it.

I think what you are experiencing is what my T and I call the bind (or more usually, hellish bind) of healing, especially when your injuries were suffered at the hand of a caretaker. We have two very powerful, very primitive forces at war within us. One is the healthy, strong beyond the possibility of eliminating, need to move towards other people and relationship. We NEED other people to meet our needs and give us strength to face life's challenges. We are a social creature and are not meant to live alone. We cannot even know ourselves outside of relationship. So when actually seeing your therapist is a distant prospect, that need and desire comes to the forefront, but since it is not imminent, there is not a sense of danger associated with it, so you experience the relationship more clearly.

However, when someone has been injured by a caretaker, then their limbic system has created a vast storehouse of experience which says that moving closer in relationship is very dangerous and will get you hurt. How many times do you have to touch a hot burner on a stove to develop an adversion to doing so? Think of a child, injured over and over again, over a period of years by the people they are closest too. This is a deeply ingrained lesson, which carries an urgency associated with surviving.

So as your session draws nearer and you are contemplating going in and becoming vulnerable and revealing more of yourself, unconsciously your sense of getting ready to do something threatening and dangerous grows, until you walk in the session and most of your system is screaming not to do something so stupid as to allow another person close enough to truly see you.

Now there is (hopefully) nothing actually dangerous in moving closer to our therapist So we have to walk through that fear and choose to open up anyway, as much as we're capable, to build up the experience and form the implicit memories that moving closer is a good thing to offset what we experienced as a child. We are trying to counteract years of experiences, so it takes a lot of repetition as an adult to stop feeling like what we are doing in moving closer is dangerous.

And its not about what we cognitively "know" is true, it's about what we've experienced and our unconscious reactions to situations. So it takes longer that we could ever expect to truly start to make a difference.

It's taken me close to seven years to truly develop a deep sense of trust with my T where I am willing to walk in and just talk about whatever I need to talk about, and things can still happen which can threaten my sense of relationship. This is hard slow work.

So the good news is, you sound perfectly normal to me. The bad news is that you have to consider the source.

AG

CD

This is exactly how I feel. I've tried writing things done and sending them to T but when I get in there the things I've written don't feel true anymore. The only thing that seems true is that there is no point in trying, T won't understand, I'm wrong, and I want T to do something dramatic and meaningful and magic to help me talk. I should say that sometimes it helps and we have had many difficult, important conversations over the years but sometimes I fall so short of what I want to talk about I feel like a failure too.
It also leads to me contacting him more outside of sessions when I feel all those positive feelings.

I hope that you find writing things out helps you and T to discuss things.

((((chezza)))) and ((((draggers)))) thanks for empathizing and affirming. there is definitely comfort in knowing you're not alone in something

oh, AH, i absolutely agree with your point that i haven't failed in the big picture. i'm still going, afterall, and making baby steps. i guess i just mean that i could be making such bigger strides if i could just believe in myself enough to bring the material and share it with T without fearing that he'll think i'm being petty and ridiculous. and (i'm really not meaning to sound like i'm bashing myself here, because i'm not) even if the stuff i bring in IS petty and ridiculous, the point of therapy for me (i am slowly realizing) is to become comfortable enough that i DON'T feel petty and ridiculous, that what i have to say has value. i need to learn how to believe that, how to believe in myself, and not try to be somebody that i think others think i should be. if that makes any sense.

yes, i DO think that emailing between sessions, perhaps calling between sessions (eeeeek!!!) would help me bridge where i'm at and where i think i'd like to be. i'm just not quite there yet. perhaps some time in the near future. the thought itself, at least, isn't such a freakish, absolutele impossibility like it used to. thanks for your thoughts ((((AH))))

((((fishy)))) thanks for your hopeful suggestion. i'm glad that worked out for you. i have emailed him a few times while inebriated (i highly discourage others from doing this, by the way ) and we did discuss them, and it was pretty uncomfortable lol! and to be fair, i've emailed him a few times while not in that condition. i agree that overall it does help, and so help me i'll gather enough courage to start doing so on a regular basis. thanks again, fishy

AG, thanks for the humorous analogy. as humorous as it is, that is EXACTLY what it feels like! i seriously feel such tenderness and fondness toward him between sessions, and i want SO bad to tell him how greatful i am that not only is he in my life, but he is my mentor, and not anybody else. but then days before therapy is the big descent. it's frustrating as hell!

when i wrote the original post, i actually had started a bit of an answer to my own question. you explain it so well, AG, and you say it often. and i know why you say it often, bless your heart.

unlike so many here, i did not experience an abusive childhood. the folks were very hands-off, however. they both were very remote emotionally, dad much so more than mom. with dad, you always felt as though you did something wrong. in fact, i remember whenever we heard him pull into the garage all the kids would run off to their rooms to avoid his disgusted glare. it really wasn't a good environment. near the beginning of therapy T said "so, about 10,000 times you experienced his disgust and rejection" and i was like "yeah, so what"? ... so, that stuff really does stick and it really does have an effect on who you become as an adult. indeed, your brain is hard-wired, and you can know this, but just knowing it isn't enough to make the changes you want to make. you have to experience somebody's positive responses to you over and over and over again.

but another reason, i think, for the feelings described, is that yes i'm subconsciously afraid of being rejected, but also that i pretty much grew up to be invisible and insignificant and try to be the way i thought other people thought i should be and as a result i did not develop a sense of self. i have written before how i've always felt as though i've flown by the seat of my pants in life, and i believe the lack of sense of self is the reason why. anyway, not having a sense of self makes going to therapy very difficult. being in the spotlight when you've always avoided it in the past is incredibly scary. and if i don't believe in myself and don't have a very strong self, it is very difficult to bring my insights to therapy because since they came from me they must be tiny and unimportant and not insightful at all. i'm not trying to be a downer, i'm just trying to think myself through this with anybody else's insight. i've been seeing T for nearly 3 years, with one very lengthy therapy vacation and a month or two between some other sessions. that's what spurred this thread. i really am asking the questions because i want to look at this and get past it. i want to one day say to T's face "i'm really greatful that you're in my life, and that you're my mentor, and not anybody else".

sorry this is so long, but it helps me to write it out.

((((cogs)))) exactly! when i get in there it doesn't feel true. that is part of the problem, too. and the expectation that T will have the magic bullet to pull what i need to say out of me! very frustrating, because i know by now it's not going to happen. i'm glad you feel comfortable enough to contact him outside of session, i think that's really sweet. i'll get there eventually, i think. just this past session T and i were talking about a meeting i want to go to but for some reason i always sabotage myself and don't go. he actually offered to call me on the day of the meeting to "nag" me into going!!! i turned him down ahhh, well.

see? this isn't called "ramblings" for nothing!