(((effed)))
I'm so sorry for the pain you going through right now. In many ways I relate as my T is going away for 5 weeks in 3 more sessions.


I'd really encourage you to tell her what you've posted here. Tell her part of you is really angry she went away. She won't take it personally - our Ts are trained to not take these things personally. Talking about why you're feeling the way you are about her going away will open up the doors to a more open, and relationship building trust between the two of you.

It will also help you get in touch with previous hurts and abandonments (which sucks BUT - in my experience it's freeing cos I'd rather be angry at the people who hurt me in the past, than my T - especially when it's not really her I'm angry at, if that makes sense).

Are you able to email or txt your T? Or are you able to write things down for her and take it to your next session?

I think what you're feeling is perfectly NORMAL. I hope you can let your T know - so she can help you.

effed,
Don't take a swing at me, but I do think it's progress.

You're not frozen, you're having a lot of feelings. They're not alot of fun; feeling angry and abandoned is not anybody's idea of a good time, but you're feeling it and are aware of it. That's a big step in my book.

I think how you're feeling makes total sense. We do get angry when people leave us (one of the weirdest parts of me about mourning a loved one is the totally irrational feelings of being angry at them for dying). But what we needed as children was a safe place to express that anger and have it understood and accepted. It's part of our development as we get older to tolerate separations better because we carry a much stronger internal sense of the relationship and a deeper trust that the person will return.

You don't have that yet (for good reason, you're working on learning it). Of course you're angry, you needed your T and she left. No it's not reasonable to expect her to not vacation and no, it isn't really about leaving you, but the end result is that she did leave you and you're angry about it. And that's ok. I went through this during a lot of my T's vacations for years.

And when we get angry, especially if it's covering hurt, we tend to devalue the relationship "fine, I don't need you anyway!" What complicates things even further is that if we have been wounded in close relationship, we often carry the belief that you should not move close to anyone because you will inevitably get hurt. And here we are, we moved closer and now we're hurt. So of course you want to run, what you're doing feels dangerous and right now it feels like that sense of danger has been confirmed. The problem is that we draw the wrong conclusion, which is that moving closer leads ONLY to getting hurt.

Your therapist can provide the safe place you should have had earlier in life, to express your anger and have her hear it and understand it and make it clear that these are your feelings and there is room in the relationship for them. I would really urge you to discuss these feelings with her when she gets back.

I'm sorry this is so hard.

AG

Thank you Eliza

quote:

Talking about why you're feeling the way you are about her going away will open up the doors to a more open, and relationship building trust between the two of you.

Thank you for the encouragement. Trust is tough... and it's hard to see to the other side of the rage. I wish you the best during your break! Must be drawing pretty close by now...

Thank you AG

quote:

Don't take a swing at me, but I do think it's progress.

LOL! NEVER! And I am sorry I come across as having violent tendencies!!! oh no!

I've been thinking I need to change my screen name to something more cheerful and inviting like "RAY OF SUNSHINE" ...? Maybe it would stick? Lol.

quote:

one of the weirdest parts of me about mourning a loved one is the totally irrational feelings of being angry at them for dying

*nods*

So I am sensing a theme here, discuss discuss...I really am freaking out now. Maybe my new name will be "PAPER BAG".


Thank you both for your thoughtful replies, it really means a lot to me.

e.

quote:

And I am sorry I come across as having violent tendencies!!! oh no!

Effed,
LOL! Not at all! I think that was projection on my part as I can get a bit grumpy when told that my ability to be in pain is a sign of progress. I have, on occasion, threatened to throw pillows at my T. And I've always loved your name. I've always felt its a bit descriptive of how it feels to be in therapy at times.

And I know it's scary to talk about these feelings, but doing so and seeing it's safe, makes it a tad easier next time. And so on, until next thing you know you're letting someone see all of you (which sounds terrifying but is actually kind of wonderful). I hope it goes well, let us know.

AG

quote:

And I've always loved your name. I've always felt its a bit descriptive of how it feels to be in therapy at times.

Isn't it though?

*sigh*

PS: Thank you for your blog updates.