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10 replies

rant

puppetpuppetMember
I am writing this on my phone in the toilets at the train station.. This shows h how pathetic i really am or jusr that i'm a mess and reaching out for help. Or at least being able to express how i feel as noone else knows or understands except you guys here. I've had to be strong for work or read stuff everything down further. I come home and cry pretty much every day after work. The job sucks but its not that bad by itself its the fact that it doesnt allow me to see my t and maybe thats why i even dislike the people and havent been able to mske any friends and feel like such an outsider and looser. Reminds me of highschool. Come to think of it remindsme of kindergarden too. The problem is i dont know what to do. I am so worried that even my next job, when and if i find it, wont allow me to see my t. And i feel really pathetic and have been at war with myself over it....the fact that i have become so attched to her. Why cant i just go out and find a new t, one who is more flexible and does evenings?? There is a part of me that just wont let go the more i try to come up with a diff plan she holds on to her even more tightly.. But i dont know how to make this one work. In my field its pretty hard to find a firm that finishes early or is flexible and then it also has to be in an area thats close to my t. I also cnt know before i start the job how flexible they are going to be and then what i quit and try to find yet another job.? Its hard enough even without all these restrictions. i could lie and say i have something important like a course or something but i really hate lieing and im really such a terrible liar. Thanks for letting me vent i ve been so worriec about everything and i had to let it out. I guess i will talk about this stuff with her in 11days. sorry for the incoherent feeling sorry for myself rant. Puppet
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
Puppet - I'm so sorry. It's not fair you have to choose between work and therapy. For a long time, I just told people who I didn't feel comfortable talking to about it that I had a doctor appointment. In my case, it's technically true, because my T is a PhD. So, while kind of misleading, I do have an appointment with a Dr. People can be weird about therapy, even though it is mental health (and actually essential to physical health too), but they will usually be fine if you need regularly scheduled medical appointments, for some unknown reason. (((puppet))) If you know a particular slot your T would have available for you (always at the same time), you could always apply for new jobs and put that into your schedule availability from the interview on in (and document that you did so in case it comes up later). Those are practical suggestions, but maybe right now, you just need to be heard about how hard and unfair this is? I'm glad you can come here and do that; please keep coming, especially while you are trying to find a way to see your T.
puppetpuppetMember
thank you so much for hearing me, yaku & butterfly! it means a lot. i still do feel pathetic and i feel like i should be grateful cos i'm one of the lucky ones, at least i have a job and can afford to see a t... ughh... the grateful guilt is not helping right now....

yaku, i really admire your honesty and being able to say you have a doctors appointment and i like the way you put it - it is perfectly true.

butterfly, i am sorry for not being able to offer support right now. i cant believe that those awful people would be mean to such a sweet generous person.

puppet
J Jo (Guest)
Puppet I once passed up a career move because if I took it I wouldn't be able to see my T. Now so many years later I don't see her anyway. She moved on to another career and sort of retired at the same time.

I understand your struggle and I feel for you too. I think when we find the right person it's not so easy to say "Gee I think I'll just find someone else that fits the schedule"
puppetpuppetMember
thanks jo and it is very nice to meet you Wink
it helps to know that i'm not the only one. were you at peace with yourself for making that decision? i am at such a war with myself about it, its not my job/career so much its the attachment, a part of me is really really against it. but also, jobwise, i wouldnt really want to take a job that i dont like / doesnt fit only for the fact that it fits my T's schedule... its all about the right balance and i dont know how i'm going to find it.

BB, thank you so much for your hugs and support! i've been thinking about you and wondered how you're coping. i've been trying to think of something helpful to say about your break. didnt come up with much but i will post on your thread soon. ((BB))

puppet
starfishstarfishMember
Hi puppet

Well done for ranting - I don't blame you. Your therapy is important as it affects a lot of what you do and is your key to improving whatever difficulties you have. I would feel the same. I am lucky to have some flexibility in my job and in my T, but even then scheduling can be a nightmare. I guess your T knows and there is absolutely nothing she can do to help Frowner I know that there are employers who are flexible out there, but it's hard to know before you start and unfortunately mental health issues are not talked about as openly as other physical needs.

I hope time to the next appointment passes quickly for you,

starfishy
puppetpuppetMember
hi starfishy! nice to see you and thanks for your support. my T did offer me an afternoon appointment, she said she can adjust her schedule and can offer me that. i think it blew my mind that she would do that for me, and am thinking that maybe thats why i become so attached to her so quickly. i just dont know if even what she offered me would work out for me - even with a new job. with the current job its become clear it wont work. i've been angry at her as well (i dont know why i blame her when she's tried to be helpful?? maybe because she gave me hope and if it won't happen i will feel more crushed...)
jo - i'm sorry you regret it and that you didnt end up seeing your T anyway, sounds like it wasnt worth giving up that opportunity. but you might have really regretted it the other way around it too. its hard when different parts of you want mutually exclusive things isnt it?

puppet
puppetpuppetMember
thank you UV! and i really appreciate your support and advice. to be honest, i have never taken any meds. when i first went to see a counsellor when i was younger, she suggested antidepressants, but at the time, i was just beginning to figure out what was wrong with me, and i strongly felt that i needed a clear head, and that i needed to feel - the depression and everything that was coming up. i think i was afraid that they will make me feel even more numb then i already was. so i think that fear has stuck and i've never seriously considered it again. things arent so bad that i cant cope anymore. i am struggling but i am coping. (or maybe i'm an 'emotional masochist' and i dont want anyone to take my pain away from me Wink )

it has really helped to reach out here and express my feelings and fears. i am so grateful.

puppet

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