Okay - I am experiencing such weird mind ripples.

I now wonder if I am unconsciously trying to replay an old trauma. SweetP has been put in the role of the father who misuses his power and abuses me sexually and I am playing out the sweet and hurt child, and want his care and kindness, emotions which make him vulnerable and open up to me, and then I again totally unconsciously, bring him in to my old trauma vortex and he starts to want to be close and inappropriately intimate with me, which is when my old patterns now feel soothed and feel relief, we are back in familiar territory. But I don't want him to abuse me, I just want the care and attention and kindness. Dangerously thin ice.

Ye gods, there must be a name for this. (Transference? Vortex of old mind patterns?)

I am suspicious of me. I have been for a while. The strength of the pull to have him feel intimate/close/caring to me, (so far in the sense that I tell him traumatic difficult things and he feels such care for me) feels like a vortex of unconscious replaying, an unseen addiction to a very old pattern indeed. That is why NF's words have so hit home and hurt and puzzled and preoccupied me. I fear that she is right.

How far will I go to ensure this plays out? So far I have incriminated my father and grandfather and would probably even incriminate my mother too. Saying they have been abusive to me, gets me the deep care that then pulls in sweetP - pulls him right in. I feel vulnerable and innocent, which is what the original traumas were like for me.

god, this is utterly scary.

Could this be true?

If so I am utterly unconsciously playing a very dangerous mind game indeed.

Can he stop it, spot it, shed light on it or is he going to be pulled in too?

I have to tell him, warn him. I will not let it go that way again.

It would mean that NF was right, that all I am after is getting the main protagonist in my drama, to feel intense intimate care for me, whilst I feel vulnerable and young and child like and they profess deep care and kindness and try all they can to make me feel safe and loved but actually the dynamic is such that they (NF/sweetP) have to reject me/abuse me/ abandon me for the full old dynamic to be played out in full. Is this trauma bonding?

NF played this drama out to it's full but she and I were utterly unaware as the whole game unfolded: we were both fooled.

I am not sure sweetP will spot this on his own, if it is indeed true. He is too sweet, too nice, too willing to believe my seemingly tragic hurts.

Mind spins. Murky. Reality unknown. How can I live with this constantly shifting reality? My only way forward is to tell him this and see what he thinks and we both bear it in mind as a possibility along with all the other possibilities.

And I could be wrong. But something is fishy here.

AS Mark Twain said, a person cannot depend on the eyes when imagination is out of focus.

I am definitely responding to sweetP as a figure from my past and through the limbic transmission of these neural 'attractors' influences, we can lure others into our emotional virtuality, one mind revising another and vice versa, one heart changing the other. Here, we have to hope that his stability can change/effect me when my old patterns are strongly trying to change him. But that requires stable caring, kindness, love and insight from his side. Can he do that? And keep steady? Or will he fall into the vortex?

BELOW
from: http://jppr.psychiatryonline.o...content/full/7/3/227

As the patient becomes aware that a pattern of dysfunction is evident, the therapist can suggest that it might be useful to try to understand this. Using as a framework the categories of reenactments that have just been discussed, the therapist can explore which of them could be playing a role in a particular patient's reenactment. It will generally be more helpful to intimate that a pattern of destructive interaction appears to be occurring and to then explore how this takes place than to suggest that the patient is reenacting a trauma. Furthermore, even if the reenactment is due to a more active process, the patient is not truly reenacting a past trauma, but rather a traumatic relationship. Consequently, in such cases it will be more productive to suggest this latter process, which is closer to the patient's subjective experience.
Once both the patient and the therapist understand what the patient is doing that contributes to the reenactment, the next task is to explore why the patient feels and acts in such ways. Inevitably, this will lead back historically to the traumatization that triggered and continues to cause the resulting feelings and behavior. Considerable time must be devoted to discovering how life was experienced for the patient as a child, because it must be ascertained how it influenced the individual, how the patient learned to cope, and what feelings were experienced.5,23 The overwhelming fear, terror, and related beliefs that the patient originally experienced in childhood must first be validated and acknowledged by both therapist and patient. In turn, in order to break the pattern, the patient must process and work through the entire traumatic experience throughout the course of therapy with the support of the therapist.

...

Throughout the course of therapy, the therapist's own countertransferential feelings should be examined and used to help understand patients' problems with reenactments. Boredom, anger, rage, or sexual feelings experienced throughout the course of therapy can be useful in understanding what patients engender in others that may play a role in the reenactments they experience. Without blaming patients for their reenactments, therapists can help them to better understand their vulnerabilities and how they may contribute to their own exploitation.
For example, a 32-year-old female patient with a long history of childhood sexual abuse noted to her therapist that she had been abused in many of her past relationships. In the early course of therapy, the therapist began to explore with her how it was that others took advantage of her, which did not prove to be particularly productive. As the therapy progressed, however, the therapist became aware of his own wish to take control of the patient's life, to rescue her, and to tell her what to do. When he examined these feelings, he became more cognizant of how timid and frail the patient's presentation was, and he decided that it would helpful to explore this. He began by inquiring how the patient imagined others viewed her. With specific questions about whether she thought others viewed her as powerful or powerless, the patient eventually began to better understand how she presented to others, which, in turn, played a role in her victimization. The therapist's awareness of his own feelings when working with the patient was the catalyst for this line of questioning that enabled the therapy to progress.
Whatever tools are used, the healing that needs to occur is not a short-term process. Successful clinical work can take years because the goals are to help patients work through overwhelming affect, modify their internal object relationships and cognitive structures, and change their basic ways of being in the world. Such work is necessary, however, if we are going to diminish their vulnerabilities and decrease their chances of getting involved in destructive reenactments.
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If you have any helpful comments on this, I would appreciate it.