Hi Lamplighter,

In my experience, going back to my past and experiencing the emotions was absolutely essential. Please note that I meant it was necessary for me, just because my healing path went that way doesn't mean that everyone's has to (nor will they all). For me, the unmet needs and longings and inability to handle my emotions led to unconsciously acting in ways that really got in the way of my living a full life. Facing my losses and experiencing the feelings brought it all into consciousness so that I could make the changes I needed to.

Mourning the loss and letting it go has been a piece by piece by piece thing for me and has been very interwoven into the process. It's so hard to explain how the healing works because its not about learning or knowing (if it was you could walk into a therapist's office, they could hand you a book and say have a nice life) it's about being with another person. It's about experiencing enough safety to let you be scared. I really didn't realize how emotionally shut down I was (ironically because anyone who knew me would have told you I was a very emotional person) until I started working with my present T. I had so much rage and pain and grief stored up that had never been processed. I don't know how much reading you've done about attachment but I have what would be called disorganized attachment which happens when your attachment figure is the source of the danger or grief. It's a two fold injury because not only are you getting traumatized by the abuse, but you are also being robbed of any resources to handle the trauma. An important part of what an attachment figure should do for you is to be attuned to you and your needs and teach you to identify your needs, identify your feelings and what they mean and teach you how to regulate your feelings; be able to soothe yourself so that they don't overwhelm you. In this kind of trauma no one is doing that because an abuser is too concentrated on their needs to think of yours. So these incredibly powerful overwhelming things happen to you and you have NO resources to process the emotions. so they get put away. I call it God's tupperware. And they stay really fresh. The difference in traumatic memories is that when you finally recognize those feelings, it's not a memory, you experience the feelings like its happening right now. But the problem is that on some level you learned a long time ago that you can't feel those feelings because they will overhwhelm and destroy you. It was in being with my T and starting to talk about how I felt, and having him NOT be scared of it, that I inch by inch learned I could let my feelings out. I'm making this sound like some straightforward, step by step process and it isn't. It's messy and chaotic and confusing. But having someone who is really attuned to you and concentrated on your needs not only allows you to finally feel and express the feelings, it also allows to start making sense of your feelings and what happened to you.

So as I have been in relationship with my T, different things would happen that would trigger feelings, usually about him, and I would talk to him about how I felt and following the trail of those feelings would lead me to realizations of what it had been like when I was a child, what it had felt like and that would lead me to understand some part of my loss.

Forgive me for the length of this but I'm hoping a few examples might help. This post was when I made the connection of what it was I was trying to get from my T that was so painful: Update on Transference

There was another time when I was experiencing really strong sexual attraction towards my T(as in wanting to throw myself on him, rather distracting in session). My attraction for him can sometimes be a very strong paternal feeling and at other times there is a very strong erotic component. I was sexually abused by my dad from the ages of 4 to 9 which makes the fact that my feelings for my T move through this range feel pretty creepy sometimes. Although I've also come to understand that the sexual attraction is a healthy response. This was made even more complicated by the fact that I was so terrified of losing the relationship (I spent the first year and a half totally freaking, I'm talking 1 to 3 phones calls between sessions) but even more terrified of what I would have to do to keep the relationship. By staying with my feelings (one of my T's favorite sayings, meaning to hold still and try to feel them And no I had NO idea what he meant the first 75 times he said that to me) I realized that part of why the attraction was so strong was that it felt like if I could have sex with my T at least I would feel better for a few minutes and feel a few minutes of peace which would give me a break from the relentless pain. This is the part that was about him. But when I realized I felt that way, I ended up remembering that I enjoyed the sex sometimes because it was the only time that I got affection and physical touch and a sense of being cared for by my dad. And we're built such that certain kinds of touch in certain places will be pleasurable, it's a physiological response. I cannot begin to tell you the shame around that realization, which also fed the belief that I somehow caused or wanted the abuse. When I told all this to my T he was very accepting of why I would feel that way, that he totally understood why I would want to know a few minutes of peace and that of course as a child I was drawn towards what I needed. That I hadn't asked for what I got, I was trying to get what I needed. And that's when I realized the loss. That the only time I felt affection and care was when I was being used by my father for his needs. That I didn't experience safe affection or touch. That is a serious loss of something that I should absolutely have had. And so I grieved. Sobbed like you wouldn't believe.

There was another time that I finally got up the courage to ask my T for a hug, something I had been yearning for for a long time. And the answer was no, but by expressing my wanting a hug we were able to talk about why I wanted one, why it was so understandable why I wanted one and I experienced the pain of not having that comfort of being held when I was in pain or scared and again I grieved.

Or recognizing that I wanted a relationship with my T beyond therapy because if he loved me, he would stop the pain. Talking about those feelings led me to remember how desperately I wanted my mother to see the abuse and stop it. I was still waiting for someone to come and make it not have happened and I was hoping my T was that person. Being able to express that made it clear that it was impossible and that brought me in touch with finally being able to recognize how abandoned I felt, that no one was coming, and just how alone I had been. I experienced some of the deepest grief I ever have.

I was reading a book on trauma fairly recently that talked in several places about the factors involved in the severity of trauma especially where amnesia is involved (I had no memory of the abuse until I was in my 30s) and as I read, I realized that I had experienced all four factors. And believe it or not after over 15 years of processing trauma, it was finally sinking in just how bad my childhood was. And so I grieved.

But through all that there was someone there who stayed with me through all the pain. Who heard my grief, affirmed it, understood it and was able to comfort me. How I was feeling mattered. And having my pain witnessed and understood healed me. Grief is despair with hope. Grief holds out the promise that there is another side and its in grieving that we let go. But it takes a hellacious amount of time.

We often don't like to look at our pasts, because after all, they've passed. And there is NO end to the well-intentioned people who will say to you "but that happened so long ago, why do you need to look at it now?" But the truth is that so much of what happened couldn't be dealt with or processed at the time but it didn't disappear it just went underground. Therapy, paradoxically and against all common sense, is about digging up long buried feelings, examining them to understand them, so you can bury them again but this time they will rest in peace. It's simple really but that doesn't make it any less difficult and it's often confusing while doing it. I hope some of this helps.

AG

Lamplighter that's a really good question and I am by no means an expert, but have had to re experienced old feelings as part of my therapy. I started by just talking, or trying to talk, to make some sort of sense of what happened. I then learnt that I have to re experience the feelings in order to process them and get them in the open and somehow away from me. It's really hard and I am still very resistant because my barriers are so high, but when I have trusted and gone through with it - it's helped. Slowly and painfully, but helped me more than just talking ever has.

I do link with your need to understand something fully before you go through with it. We need to be safe and that's so important, as are choices now, when we had none before. Hope this helps a little.

starfish

hi, {{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}

i have problems with this too and up until i started going to college to do counseling and understanding unconscious transference i really struggled with getting a grasp of it. from what i understand now one of the key things for me is understanding other peoples expectations of me. as a lot of the problems i have with my family relationships now all seem to intertwine with this. lack of assertion in me is a learned behavior which i learned as a child as a coping mechanism when i was young and also just hiding away to avoid any confrontation was easier as it made me more invisible so i didn't get shouted at and so on. hmmmm its automatic for me to react this way unless i take a step back and view a situation deliberately from a different perspective. i asked myself too what my expectations are of other people and realized that i do not expect as much from my family as they do of me. part of this too is because i allowed it to continue because i am not assertive enough to say no or say what i really want. i am trying now to change other peoples expectations of me but its difficult yet rewarding when i managed to say no.
its therapeutic for me to understand that as a child for example when i was scared or upset it should have been my parents responsibility to make me feel safe and comfort me instead of the opposite. it wasn't my responsibility, but theirs. and now because of my learned behavior where i just automatically bottle things up i have made a "connection" that thats one reason why i do that. because i now understand that because of my past learned behavior. it helps, but its difficult to understand it sometimes. im not saying here that its all my parents fault i am like this i just thought id try and explain a little. everyone is unique and has had their own experiences and have their own solutions that are right for them. i just know now that because i am confronting my past it helps me to view it differently where i have more of an understanding of my parents behavior. what i also know is how they act and feel and behave is not my responsibility but theirs.

phew! im sorry if its a bit messy my reply, its hard for me to explain. i dont know if it will help but i hope it does even just a little bit. take care xxx

Wow! Thanks so much everyone for your wonderful replies. You have no idea how good that makes me feel, thank you.

Going to reply individually.

Thanks again

Lamplighter

Attachment Girl

Wow again, thankyou for the long and extremely honest post. I’ve read a lot of your replies on the forum and you certainly have a profound understanding of the whole process and an amazing ability to put it clearly into words - feeds nicely into my incessant need to rationalize and make concrete what’s going on in my head!

Hmm the comment about having someone who not only allows you to feel and express your feelings (that would be a first for me) but also to start making sense of it all - that really does help me - because I’ve spent decades trying to sort out the mess in my head, and gotten nowhere and maybe that’s the bit that’s been missing - someone else who can give meaning to whatever I’m feeling, but also, who can help make sense of it all - I can’t help thinking that feeling for the sake of feeling is actually destructive in my case (feeling equals experiencing who I am equals bad) and I’m always stuck in the vacuum inside my head trying to make sense of it all but of course being able to see it only through my own eyes which just reinforces the whole set up. So yes, everything you say makes me realize the therapist is pivotal in it, and the way you’ve explained it almost makes me want to jump right in and go for it! (I did say ‘almost’ didn’t I?)

I think you are really courageous with what you’ve achieved - talking about shame and I can feel myself cringing because I instinctively recognize that’s a BIG bad feeling in me that I really really do NOT WANT to feel, don’t even want to think about it. I can’t begin to imagine how much guts it took you to go through with everything, and to keep at it.

quote:

I was still waiting for someone to come and make it not have happened and I was hoping my T was that person. Being able to express that made it clear that it was impossible and that brought me in touch with finally being able to recognize how abandoned I felt, that no one was coming, and just how alone I had been. I experienced some of the deepest grief I ever have.

This really resonates - I think I’m stuck there, waiting for someone (or just someTHING) that would make it not have happened. Undoing the past. Changing it in some way. Making it different from how I remember it. And what you experienced then, yes that makes perfect sense - I can’t undo it, I’m not even sure I can change my interpretations of it, but maybe grieving is the way out. What they call ‘letting go’. But damn it, I wish I could just let it go without having to re-experience it.

Have to ask, when you went through all the different stages of grieving for different losses - did that allow you to let go experiencing yourself as to blame for what happened? This is me having to know in advance again (sorry) - it’s just that the one thing I can’t feel is sadness, or pity for myself, or self compassion, let alone grief, and grief seems to figure quite heavily in your healing so I’m just wondering. Actually I’m not even sure what it is I’m wondering. Sorry starting to ramble here, better stop.

I can’t begin to do justice to your reply, all I can say is thank you so very much.

Lamplighter

Hello Starfish

Thanks so much for the reply, that makes sense to me and it makes me feel so much less alone knowing that you too have barriers, that it’s a real struggle and it’s really helpful for me to know that you do manage it at times and it works. Yeah I have this awful need to have to KNOW everything in advance, but what’s helping here actually is your explaining how it is for you - that’s as good as understanding what’s ‘supposed’ to happen because I feel like, if Starfish can do it, then hard as it is, maybe I can too without needing to know in advance if it’s going to ‘work’ or not. You’ve given me the courage to at least try. Thankyou.

Mind you, I’m very good at talking and not so good at doing - however did you make the jump from ‘just’ talking about things to actually re-experiencing the feelings? Or did it just happen naturally? I’ve got such a HUGE block on feeling what I feel that I can see me talking until the cows come home and not getting anywhere. Were you able to just make the decision and do it? Sorry I’m asking really dumb questions, but it does really help to hear about other people’s experiences with this sort of thing. Thanks.

Lamplighter

Hi Dolphinac

Big hugs back to you! Thanks for the reply - yes it made sense and it does help and it wasn’t messy at all (you want messy, take a look inside my head lol).

That is so good that you can offload the responsibility you ended up with back onto the people whose responsibility it is. Have to say, what you say about expectations rings lots of bells with me - I call them shoulds and oughts because that’s how they are to me and I’m really struggling with getting them out of my head so it’s great to hear that someone else is managing it.

I like that you talk about confronting the past, because that’s exactly what it feels like to me, that it’s going to be one long major confrontation - all negative and painful and frustrating and worse. And I HATE confrontation. Especially if I know in advance I’m going to get hurt by it.

But your post has given me heart, you’re saying it’s possible to do it AND get stronger because of it, so that’s been filed away in the ‘positive things’ box in my head, a nice piece of support to help me start this. Thankyou.

I really hope you can keep on standing up for yourself - I do understand how hard it is to say no and stick to it without falling apart afterwards. Well done you (wish I could do it too.)

Lamplighter

Hi there Monte

Great reply - i think it's very poetic! I guess from what you said that you’re sort of on the verge of jumping in as well? Interesting though that you’ve been with your T for all this time and gone through all the probing and the questions and talking and not connected emotionally with it (that’s exactly how I am - nothing sparks an emotional connection, as if I’m talking about someone else or am somewhere else while I’m talking, or if I do get a flash of feeling it gets automatically shut down).

I totally get what you say about the nagging doubts about needing to put yourself through such trauma, that’s sort of where I’m at - logically it makes sense and my T has a psychodynamic branch to his therapeutic tree so is pushing those connections too, and everything I’ve ever read in psychology tends to point that way - I just wish I could reassure myself that it’s A Good Thing, that it really will be worth the pain and the fear and dismantling my current controls. So your comments have really helped me - because you seem pretty clear that doubts or no doubts, it’s something you have to do. And hearing you say that makes me more confirmed in my mind that it’s something I have to do, whether I want to or not (oh I don’t want I really DON’T want).

I really hope it goes well for you - I’d really like to know how you’re doing with it if you feel up to talking about it.

Lamplighter

quote:

Hmm the comment about having someone who not only allows you to feel and express your feelings (that would be a first for me) but also to start making sense of it all - that really does help me - because I’ve spent decades trying to sort out the mess in my head, and gotten nowhere and maybe that’s the bit that’s been missing - someone else who can give meaning to whatever I’m feeling, but also, who can help make sense of it all

Hi Lamplighter (great name by the way!) the above quote really reminds me of something my T told me early on and continued to repeat as necessary (which means a LOT!). Human beings cannot know themselves outside of relationships. We need a trustworthy person to accurate reflect who we are in order for us to understand ourselves. We can't figure ourselves out all on our own because it is in our interactions with other people that our beliefs and values are acted out. So much of what we do is unconsciously driven, that we need someone else paying attention to figure out the patterns and allow us to bring to consciousness why it is that we do what we do. Which is my very long winded way of saying what you're saying makes total sense to me.

quote:

Have to ask, when you went through all the different stages of grieving for different losses - did that allow you to let go experiencing yourself as to blame for what happened? This is me having to know in advance again (sorry) - it’s just that the one thing I can’t feel is sadness, or pity for myself, or self compassion, let alone grief, and grief seems to figure quite heavily in your healing so I’m just wondering.

The short answer is yes. But we all know I won't stop there. I have been able to let go of believing I was responsible (although with the right stressers that feeling can happen again but now I know how to discern that it's only a feeling and not the truth, I know where it came from so to speak so I can tell it to go away). But it was a long confusing process, and interwoven with processing the grief. One drawback of my talking about the way I did is it makes it sound orderly when it was anything but.

Having my T stay with me, contain my emotions, listen and understand my feelings slowly told me that I mattered, as he showed me compassion I learned not only how to do it but that I was worthy of it. And when I ran into these painful memories and beliefs he would very clearly explain that they weren't true and why. You asked in the right order because it wasn't until I was able to see myself as worthwhile and deserving of compassion that I was ABLE to grieve. Knowing that I was actually a worthwhile person and had deserved more than I got was what allowed me to grieve.

So it took a long time to get to the grief and then a long period of grieving once I got there. But along the way it changed so much and how I feel about myself now is so different from the feelings I struggled with for so long.

AG

Hi there AG, thanks so much for replying again.

quote:

Human beings cannot know themselves outside of relationships. We need a trustworthy person to accurate reflect who we are in order for us to understand ourselves. We can't figure ourselves out all on our own because it is in our interactions with other people that our beliefs and values are acted out.

Hm yeah this is the bit that bothers me lol. It’s the ‘accurate’ bit that I have problems with - because relying on how people in the real world (as opposed to in therapy) relate to me as being a reflection of who I am is the worm at the core for me. But I totally get what you’re saying - for me it’s precisely because those reflections were so negative in the past (and even in the present) that finding a therapist who can reflect me more accurately (dare I say it - actually positively!) is going to be pivotal. Very scary stuff.

Hmm again. Having to experience oneself as worthwhile and deserving of compassion, that’s a real biggie. I’m glad you explained what you did, because I was getting a bit overenthusiastic thinking oh great ‘all’ I have to do is grieve a bit for all the losses, for the not getting and hey presto it will all be fine. But of course it’s the being worthless and undeserving that stops me feeling for myself in the first place. And groan, I instinctively know that going back into the past is going to bring up all the worthless me-as-bad unimportant not mattering a burden and owing the world feelings/beliefs - going into the fire in order to come out the other side. Only no guarantee that the fire won’t consume me first. Gah!!!

Wow what can I say about your therapist. He sounds like total perfection in a therapist - though I suspect that you are not giving yourself the credit you deserve for the work you have done. You have such an understanding into the whole process and an obvious willingness to go to dark places that I should think you made it very easy for him to be such a good therapist (damn can't get the smiley to work).

To read your wonderfully honest descriptions of what it’s been like for you and the understanding of the process you so clearly write about is so helpful and enlightening that it’s almost a shame you are nearing the end of your therapy. (That from an utterly selfish point of view of course!)

Thanks again

Lamplighter

Hi Lamplighter

Quote

quote:

However did you make the jump from just talking about things to actually re-experiencing the feelings?. . . . were you able to just make a decision and do it?

Hmmmm, firstly I think I might sound like I've been fab at doing this, when in reality I haven't!!! But I have had a go, with varied success, so will answer your questions as best I can

My T and I came to realise that we (I!!!) too could talk til the cows came home, but that whilst lots of things were changing cognitively (I am a master thinker and analyser!) I was still experiencing frequent feeling and body memeories that still needed to be brought into the open. She of course realised this way, way before me!! When I did realise I freaked and did all I could to avoid going there or even talk about it BUT the problems continued.I eventually came round to thinking this was the way to go - to try and re-experience those awful feelings but in a safe and supportive environment - and process them so they lost their power over me and my life.

We did lots of planning about what would hep me feel safe, what I could do, what I would like her to do or not do, when we would try and dod this etc etc. I guess everybody is different, but for me it was:

1.Firstly to trust myself that I could do it
2.Remind myself that I always had the choice to not carry on talking or remembering at any time
3.Allow myself to talk and then when the difficult feelings came up from the past to try so hard to stay with them and not immediately shut down or dissociate as I always have done. My T prompts me to describe what I am feeling - sometimes I can, sometimes not - but it is great progress for me to even consider staying in that place and acknowlege what I felt.
4.Believe that my T would guide me and stay with me and know she will keep me safe- remind myself that this time it would be different because this time I am not on my own

We've done it a few times now, more recently it's been increasingly difficult as we hit harded and harder stuff. I still have vivid body memories of things I can't bear to bring to mind even for the briefest of moments . . . I have no idea how I will ever go back to facing that stuff - BUT for the less difficult thngs, it's been more helpful than just talking and has taught me to trust myself and my T even more.

I don't know if that remotely helps Lamplighter, I have such a long way to go and one of those sessions actually planned for this week so feel very nervous and keep going back into denial, which feels safer, but not very helpful when I walk into her office!

Monte, I so so so go along with your fears about putting yourself through the trauma again. Hey, we've all done that once - why do it again?? My T is wary of me just re-experiencing over and over and nothing changing. I thnk that happens more when I hold back my feelings ironically (this from me who also Monte hasn't cried and finds it hard to even admit to a headache)
But my T also correctly reminds me that I am re-experiencing all the time anyway in my dreams and intrusions,a sign that they need to be processed. So let's do in a safe and validating environment and get rid of them for good.

I can understand your need for a rescuer in such a difficult situation. However strong we are or brave we need the safety net of knowing someone is there to help. I have never asked my T to rescue me, but am aware, before such a difficult session begins, of repeatedly asking for reassurance that she will be there for me when I remember. I cannot bear the thought of going through it all and feeling alone. It always feels pathetic when the words come out -of course I know she will be there... I just have to hear it and she seems to understand and accept that.

Oh this seems a long post for me!! (I am in the 'always want to delete what I have written club' too) so will quickly press Post Now before I do . . I hope this might have helped a tiny bit.

starfish

Hi Starfish

I’m glad you didn’t delete your post! Know the feeling though but it’s great that so many people on here are brave enough to post such honest stuff - I am amazed at how really helpful it is to read such things, how real and to the core it is.

Hm I have to say you are a zillion times more on the ball than me with regards to re-experiencing past bad feelings and memories - and it sounds as if you have a pretty on the ball T as well.

For me I’m nowhere near trusting my T even a little bit at the moment, let alone feeling safe enough to start recounting memories honestly - he has a LONG way to go to prove to me that he even understands my situation, let alone has the ability to guide me through dealing with past issues.

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love it if you posted something about how your upcoming session goes (and I hope it goes well!)

Lamplighter

Hi Lamplighter

OMG it's taken me ages and ages to truly trust (trust her and me that is!!) How long have you been with yours? I was years before I'd talk about ANYTHING and still have times of being so silent it's painful.

You are so right about needing to have him truly understand you and your situation before you can do that sort of work. You have to know that you are going to be so vulnerable AND that they will be totally there for you, get you out safely the other side and that you might feel some sense of benefit or new understanding.

Thanks for asking about the session today Hmmmm we didn't do any of that sort of work as it wasn't right as there was something else that came up. It was hard in a different way and I still feel a bit fuggy headed - the days afer sessions are always so hard. But I will let you know if we do. And yes, my T is a very, very on the ball T (and very patient one too )

starfish

((( Dragonfly )))

I saw this thread and didn’t even recognize it as one I’d started! You’ve explained really simply and clearly good reasons for backtracking into the past, and the bit that resonates with me is this

quote:

but I want to relive it with a person who cares and is finally there for me ,to hold me and lessen the fear.

That’s the bottom line isn’t it? I’ve come to the conclusion that no amount of remembering and reliving my past on my own helps or changes anything - it’s effectively undoing the past, or rather its effects, by re-experiencing it - the feelings - with someone caring and safe who stands in for the people who should have been there for us in the first place.

It’s just finding that someone. I’m glad you have just such a caring T!

Lamplighter

LL, Monte and Dragonfly: You have all described beautifully the value of going into the past and the healing that can take place by having someone who cares be a witness to the pain. This has been my experience as well and I know that even though it is hard that it is worth it.

This reminds me of a recent session with my T where I was re-living a horrible episode of abuse that took place when I was 6. The child part that was telling of the abuse became very upset and confused even about if it was the past or present. She started to rock back and forth and T asked if she could help her rock. She sat next to me and had her arms on my arms and helped me to rock back and forth. She then moved her body up against mine and laid her head next to mine and said the most soothing things to me and just held me while I cried. This child part and me (adult) had been so upset, shaking, crying etc., but as I started to actually feel T's presence and the caring that she was showing, my entire body relaxed and for once I felt safe. I got so tired after that and just laid my head on my arms and talked to T for a while, just sitting there with our bodies still close and her arms around me.

So, now when I think of that memory, it isn't upsetting like it was and my mind fast forwards to the ending, but not the ending back then when I was all alone and scared. I go to the ending that my T helped create and I can feel her holding me and hear her talking to me and I feel content, calm and safe. My body has replaced the old with this new experience.

STRM

What an awe inspiring post. I like DF was very moved by what you posted - that there is hope and a way through. There your other thread going at the moment 'the value of mucking around in the past' where I said I think you have to look back before you can move or look forward and your post is why!

Thank you for sharing that, it has certainly given me some much needed encouragement. I am on a break right now, but have some very difficult work to do that has been lurking for ages. Sometimes I really don't think I can. The child in me is scared of getting hurt again like she was before. Doubt if I can really see it through, fear dissociating too soon, fear my T will stay with me (she always has), worry new things will be remembered (even though I don't think there's anything left now)....etc,etc.

I am glad your T is so attuned to what you are going through STRM. That helps enormously. I have a great T whom I trust, it's just that I don't trust myself.

starfish

quote:

In my sketchbook that I gave to my T, I drew the following picture. An open grave with a tombstone that talks of a wounded child finally finding rest after it's need for recognition and comfort have been met. In the dark distance, on a winding path that leads to this grave, is a silhouette (sp?) of an adult leading a small child toward the grave. The child is not frightened...it wants to rest. The grave is a metaphor for rest, not fearful, macabre, nightmare stuff.

Oh Monte - your words really brought the tears up that is such a powerful image you painted. Rest and peace YES! I so hope you can get over those walls you talk about and find in your T that other who just ‘knows’. It sounds like you already know he can be that for you - it also sounds like you’re getting to the stage where you will be able to breach your own walls. Big hugs to you Monte.


And STRM that’s some brave thing of you to do - to accept the presence and comfort of your T in such closeness. I am so glad you now have a good memory ending - THAT’s how to undo the past, truly.

Lamplighter