I know no one is asking but... I do agree with STRM. I do not have an old T, but parts of it are good medicine for me as well.
Thanks for your wisdom STRM.

(((((TN))))

Thinking of you and hoping all is okay.

HUGS,

Liese

I think you do know (underneath your maelstrom of feelings) that you are triggered into feelings from oldT and pushing them onto newT.

Just talk to him, he will help you kindly and you will both get some new perspectives from this.

And yes, stamp your feet, yell at him, swear blue at him, or whatever, he can take it. And if it makes you feel better and then feel loved by him, for taking it - then that is good too.

I have found with my present T, that I have had three major strops with him when he stuffed up ROYALLY. My god did I let rip and tore strips off him. He endured an hour of that EACH TIME. It did wonders for our relationship as I experienced being mad at someone and they not being mad back at me, nor defensive nor furious or cutting etc. He was apologetic, deeply remorseful for what he saw as a major F*CK up his end and totally contrite. I just loved him for it.

so maybe that is where you two are at.
Yell at him, stomp, let him be contrite and understanding and you will feel WAY better.

(oh heck that all sounds patronising but it is NOT meant to be -at all. Hope you understand that.)

More

oh, dear TN- I'm so sorry to be so late in offering my support, but I did want to tell you that I came by tonight and read your thread. I sincerely hope that you are able to find the courage to broach this painful topic with him. I know it is very frightening to talk about such feelings- but he is a skilled, boundaried therapist, and will be able to help you make sense of all of these feelings and triggers. I know that with the disorganized attachment, it is most natural impulse to want to run away right now- of course. But think, now- isn't this just the kind of impulse you are in therapy to address? I strongly encourage you to tell your T how much you feel betrayed and angered and scared/distrustful by this latest change- it all feels like too much for you, to have this new obstacle in your path when you are still working on overcoming the old ones about touch and the changes to his office. It's going to take a good amount of courage to go in there and discuss this with him. But among many things you are not lacking in, I have found from knowing you here, that courage is high on the list for you- you do not *feel* brave or strong- but you choose to search for the healing path at any rate, against all odds. That is bravery- pure and simple. You will keep coming up against this over, over and again- until you finally conquer it. It is really a matter of deciding whom you want to conquer it *with.* This T seems a good choice, from my limited perspective. But even if you run- you will still have this same problem, it will follow you, as you know and experience. And conquer it- you shall. Face him- speak your truth, even in fear in trembling- and you will find a deeper peace and self-respect, if you are very truthful, right? And- slowly it will be ok again. Not perfect- but ok. And then, better and better.

peace, dear friend, and mannnnny hugs-

BB

Just wanted to give you all an update. I am not truly comfortable with putting too much out here on OF. My session was really grueling. My T was angry and seemed to me very cold, detached, and disconnected from me. It was like our conversation on Touch only on steriods.

I spent most of the session absolutely terrified to the point of wanting to jump out of either my skin or the closest window. I told him immediately what was upsetting me so much. He drew a clear boundary around the fact that this is his practice and he does not discuss it with anyone and that it didn't matter how I felt about it. This response caused me to go into uncontrollable shaking and shivering until I could allow the tears to flow. I sat and cried and shook for a good five minutes while he sat there absolutely silent and unmoving. When I calmed down he told me we were at a dead end and I accused him of some very serious things...

He was not receptive to hearing how I connected the new staff person to who she really was so we didn't discuss that. I tried to explain how having his 'real" life there each time I see him was impacting me and that I was afraid to see her and he just told me that all the staff sees patients on the hour and he sees patients on the half hour so that is why I don't see others in reception.

What still bothers me is that he seems to believe that I have an erotic transference for him which is really not true at all. I think he's afraid of me having some sexual agenda towards him but I have ZERO attraction to him of that kind. I think of him as a mentor/parent and the only thing I'm looking for is nurturing.

He told me I'm mean and overly critical and that I was very ungraceful in bringing up this subject. Then he told me that I need to learn to accept his comfort!! WTF.... like he was offering any?? He was pretty brutal in coming back at me and I really didn't get to talk much about the feelings that were coming up from this realization of his wife joining the group. I was mostly trying to defend myself for wanting to discuss this. Obviously, it was none of my business and I should not have had any feelings about it that I brought to him.

After beating me up for an hour when I was leaving he did do something nice for me and then he shook my hand twice and patted my shoulder. He had to use my appointment for today and so I won't go back until Monday.

I'm still shaking today from nerves and fear. It seems that I have a lot to learn about being a good therapy patient. I need to learn to be more "graceful" in the future.

I've always had a problem with emotional regulation and I'm trying to work on it. It's been a problem all my life. It was hard to hear that I'm mean because I don't see myself that way but maybe I've been in denial about how mean I am. He used to tell me I was a kind person but now I guess he knows the real me. Well I did warn him.

Thank you all for your support through this mess. I'm sorry I have not had the energy and clarity of mind to be supportive of you all here. I know a lot of you are going through some pretty heavy issues and disruptions. I hope to work through this anxiety over the next few days so I can have more focus again and I can participate more fully here on the OF.

Thanks again
TN

quote:

I've always had a problem with emotional regulation and I'm trying to work on it. It's been a problem all my life. It was hard to hear that I'm mean because I don't see myself that way but maybe I've been in denial about how mean I am. He used to tell me I was a kind person but now I guess he knows the real me. Well I did warn him.

TN...a huge huge struggle for me, too, since I was 25. (can't say much else here either in OF)



it sounds like a really challenging session. I do hope the anxiety can lift some over the next few days!

My god, TN, this is AWFUL.
Truly AWFUL.

My heart reaches out to you. I am stunned. He is so off line here. This was NOT what ANY of us was expecting.

to be honest, I was expecting:

quote:

I am sorry TN. I hear how bad this is for you. I am so sorry I did not tell you about my wife working from next door. that was crass of me. I was avoiding the issue as I knew it would upset you and I messed up. I truly F*cked up and I am so sorry I have caused you so much anguish and pain around it. This must have been awful for you. what can we do to make it easier for you? She will still be working here but I can assure you that you will not bump into her as we have different start times. I am so glad you have told me all your hurt and confusion and pain around this. It is really courageous of you [NB TN you ARE incredibly courageous.] to tell me how upset you are and I feel honoured that you trust me and feel safe enough with me to tell you how this has troubled and upset you. thank you. Please let us see if we can mend this rupture together and I can earn back my trust.

But he did not seem to say any of this. (what I wrote above)

On top of that he was, it appears, abusive:

quote:

it didn't matter how I felt about it.

quote:

He told me I'm mean and overly critical and that I was very ungraceful in bringing up this subject.

WOW!

That hurts. It hurts ME to hear it and you were on the receiving end of it.

TN, this is NOT okay, him being like this, and saying those things. It is really judgemental and defensive and it is beneath him.

Also,

quote:

I sat and cried and shook for a good five minutes while he sat there absolutely silent and unmoving. When I calmed down he told me we were at a dead end

This is not kind, caring, or helpful. What the hell is he playing at?

quote:

Obviously, it was none of my business and I should not have had any feelings about it that I brought to him.

You know this is not true. It is part of your business as he knows the history around the wife of the previous oldT and this new T only needed to be sensitive for heavens sake.

quote:

It seems that I have a lot to learn about being a good therapy patient. I need to learn to be more "graceful" in the future.

You know you are a great client, you look deep, you work hard, and you do your best to be transparent and honest, saying how you feel and why. you KNOW this.

quote:

I've always had a problem with emotional regulation and I'm trying to work on it. It's been a problem all my life.

TN - we are all of us struggling with 'emotional regulation', him included from what you wrote today. LOL. WE are clients in therapy, we bring our emotional swings into the arena, to work out WHY we are having difficulty with it. My god, if my T were to verbally attack me the way this T did today, i would have great difficulty emotionally regulating, I think I would phone him up and tell him in no uncertain terms why he is inadequate as a T and that he needs to apologise for his attitude and manner. I would be steaming cross.

The real you is an intelligent, strong, courageous, kind, delightful, insightful, witty and emotionally vast woman. gifted too.

And you are also vulnerable, carrying wounds from the past which make you feel little and small and in need of affirmation and listening and comfort and support. (join the gang ) Therapy is the place we bring those hurts and fears and woundedness and triggered feelings.

I just FEEL for you so much. I wish this wasn't happening for you and I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know HOW you are coping with daily life whilst in this maelstrom, but yet again, you probably just are, by a thread, and that shows again your strength and determination. You got through, with heart rending pain, the termination by old T. this T is NOT going to make you go under. you are too strong for that. Keep strong. Get hugs. Take good gentle care of yourself and remember that ALL of us are cheering you on and feeling for you.

Hi Ninn... it's a hard thing to overcome. I think because it's so entrenched, having dealt with abusive behavior for a very long time into adulthood. So I'm always hypervigilent and my emotions ramp up pretty quickly. I'm trying to be more mindful of those kinds of feelings but I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Sadly, thank you. I truly hoped he would have said even SOME of what you quoted above. It would have helped me so so much. When I was leaving he handed me a transitional object and shook my hand two times. That was the only sign of caring or softening for an entire hour. He was already angry with me when I got there. I was waiting outside the reception room which did not please him.

I do want to clarify that he didn't say I was ungraceful in bringing up this topic... he said that I brought it up in an ungraceful way. I was just trying to say it and was struggling with fear so I could have been more graceful and I think unemotional but I didn't feel very calm at the moment.

Right now I'm in the space that feels like I don't deserve to have a place in this world or to breathe the air. I'm trying not to disappear and the connection here has become pretty vital right now. I'm also drowning in a lot of those familiar trauma symptoms...lack of focus (can't do my work) shivering,nightmares, dissociating, not able to tolerate noise ... no TV or music and wanting to isolate.

Thank you all for putting up with me, even those who don't agree.

TN

((((TN))))

Was there a more graceful way for you to bring it up? Sure Thing but it is what it is. You did it the only and best way You knew how. It sure didnt help coming on the heels of his vacation. Considering your History With Oldt and his wife, i would have thought he would have been a little more understanding

He made His decisions to not only being her into the group but to not tell you about it. All within his rights. But for him to think you wouldn't have a reaction to it is ludicrous.
I hope he can responsibility for his part in the whole debacle.

On top of it, He's been begging you Ti meet your young child. Well I think he finally met her.

And might there have been a more graceful way for you to have found out about this? Sure he could have told you. He's pissed you found out. Well that's what I think anyway.

It is the way it should be. He should make his decisions in life based on who is most important to him. His wife, children, parents siblings. That stuff has to take precedence. But it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how this move on his part would not only make you feel not important to him but also feel very insensitive to you and your feelings in light of your history of which he is well aware.


I am sure he did not mean to hurt you. But my hope is that he can at least get
Past his own anger that he got "caught" and validate your feelings for you. You are the patient. You need help getting past this. You don't Need to feel like a bad girl.

I could be totally offbase here
So take everything I said with a
Grain of salt.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Liese

Thanks Liese. You are not off base. I hear you. Thanks for all your input.

Hugs
TN

(((TN)))

Of course when I originally posted on this thread I was assuming a reaction from your T much like Sadly posted. I was not envisioning your T being angry or hurtful. I'm sorry that you had such an awful session. I really hope that he will reflect on his reaction to you and that when you two meet again you will both be calmer and you can start to sort this out.

I know that when my T was angry with me that she too was angry before the session even began and it was obvious before I even sat down. I understand that he has feelings about this situation and he was likely caught very off guard by you finding out the identity of his office mate, but I suspect (since he was angry before he knew that) that he was angry because on some level he felt inadequate/confused/frustrated that you were having such a rough time and he didn't know why and couldn't fix it. I know that the times my T has been the most frustrated and even when she was angry, that it was during times that (in my opinion) she felt powerless to help and perplexed about what was going on.

I know things are really hard right now, but it doesn't mean they will stay that way. Even HUGE ruptures with T's can be repaired if both client and T are committed to working it out.

So sorry TN. This must be so painful and confusing. Your T did not stay in his role as a T and acted completely inadequately.

It is not that you need to try to be a 'good T patient'. You have done nothing wrong. It took you tons of courage to tell him how he betrayed your trust and he was judgmental and not neutral but too emotionally involved.

Wow-- True N, I have to say I have been following your story, and I am disappointed in your T's response...

(And now, suddenly, I find myself wondering how he would react to reading all these responses... but I digress...)

Not that this invalidates all the great work you've done together, or his general skill as a T, but from what you've said, he's lost the plot a little. Could he have been stunned and totally caught off guard by what you found out about his wife? Some of his comments seem judgmental, while of course the point is not to judge what's come up for you-- but to question it and explore it. He put his own feelings in the room by saying you were being 'ungracious' and 'mean'... now I know you haven't said everything, but nonetheless I firmly stand on the side that a T should not be retaliating, whatever the circumstances.

quote:

He drew a clear boundary around the fact that this is his practice and he does not discuss it with anyone and that it didn't matter how I felt about it. This response caused me to go into uncontrollable shaking and shivering until I could allow the tears to flow.

This pattern sounds very familiar to me. When confronted with responses like that ("it doesn't matter") my brain will shut down and I go into 'emotional-pre-verbal-fetal' mode... I think it stems from a lack of confidence in myself, and in the idea that articulating what I am feeling will be heard and respected. If I may offer a bit of advice, I would say --- trust yourself and have confidence to push through and speak what you're feeling, because you have every right to be heard. Speak through the tears if you must but... speak. If he's worth his salt, he'll shut up and listen.

The handshake at the end gives me hope-- I think he cares... in spite of the horrible flub.

Good luck,


effed

TN

I am sorry to read how cluless and so lacking in compassion he really was. (Dick) Why are Ts inconsistant? Are they not supposed to mean what they say, and say what they mean? Or is the stuff they spout to us just words they think are cool- things they think we want to hear? Where is their heart? Where is their honesty?

I will shut up now- I doubt my venting is helping. But TN, I wish there was something helpful I could say to you. Keep connected here- lots of people have wise things to say.

I am so sorry TN.

And angry on your behalf. Had to edit this post a few times.

Didn't he just prove a point? One of your worst fears came to pass. He did a crappy job. Not only did he not see it, but he vomited his "stuff" all over you.

There are real issues that arise where people congregate. Women can sometimes be catty and manipulative. It happens, and this seems to be a very real fear you have. (I have been on the receiving end of it myself, and it's not fun) We can give them the benefit of the doubt, but in the end, we just never know. (no B&W)

Men can also be very defensive of their women, and there is (mostly a light side but also a dark side to that.

If this were a job you were talking about, or the dentist's office...of course, keeping one's mouth shut would be appropriate. But this is therapy. I'm sure you brought it up in such a way that the emphasis was placed on how you FEEL, so that you can accept the changes he makes, make sense of everything on a rational and emotional level in order to feel at peace, feel safe. Now it is possible that everyone is going to feel threatened.

Emotional regulation? What? You responded quite normally, in my book. OK, maybe you did react. I wasn't there. Maybe you could have reacted differently, maybe not. But HE PLAYED A ROLE IN THIS AS WELL, and HE NEEDS TO OWN IT.

Sounds like someone needs to read up about projection, countertransference, and emotional regulation and apply it to himself.

In any event, it teaches us about human nature, T's are also just human. He was probably caught of guard, likely feeling a bit threatened/inadequate, and frustrated. This is the theory of what happened to me and my T.

This whole post was not meant to sound preachy, I'm coming to terms with that myself, and I very much respect you.

Sorry, TN, I'm really, really angry on your behalf. Too close to home.

quote:

Sounds like someone needs to read up about projection, countertransference, and emotional regulation and apply it to himself.

yeh, number9, I agree

((((((TN))))))

Just wondering how you are doing. You sounded so good on my thread, actually, like you had come to a place of acceptance. That you know what you have to do on Monday. That you are going on Monday. LOL!!!


Did the validation help that he overreacted himself and wasn't quite as warm and accepting as we all would have hoped for you?

He might have been thrown off because it was soooo personal to him. Hopefully by Monday he will have collected himself. He probably never thought anyone would find out. Nothing is private anymore.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Hi TN,

I don't have anything profound to add, but I just wanted to chime in with a voice of support. I was touched that you took the time to check in with me on my thread on the SI forum, and especially so now that I read what you're going though. That's definitely not something someone who was "mean" or "ungracious" would do. I admire you for being brave enough to talk about this with your T, and I'm truly sorry that you didn't get the empathic response that you deserved.

Hugs,
Saka

I wanted to also emphasise that a person who is mean and ungracious would not be posting helpful support on other people's threads whilst going through hell themselves. You have been so kind to many of us here. Keep strong. this man needs some straight talking and I am delighted to tell you what you already know: you are just the woman to do it! Don't let him put you down just because he is on the defensive. Silly man.

quote:

Right now I'm in the space that feels like I don't deserve to have a place in this world or to breathe the air. I'm trying not to disappear and the connection here has become pretty vital right now. I'm also drowning in a lot of those familiar trauma symptoms...lack of focus (can't do my work) shivering,nightmares, dissociating, not able to tolerate noise ... no TV or music and wanting to isolate.

Thank you all for putting up with me,

2nd post

When the attachment figure is so deeply woven in to the heart, we will feel all these feelings. Remember it is like when a baby is suddenly left, or a two year old. Sudden panic and helplessness engulf us. They should be more aware of this, these T's. you are doing brilliantly as you have such a strong part of you that COPES (darn it - you have learnt to do that from previous traumas - but at least it is useful right now.)

I think we are ALL with you right now. A whole crowd of us. We could do what we volunteered to do before, Camp outside his office with placards and banners asking him to stop being so defensive and start being more understanding and live up to his reputation as a good T. LOL At one stage many of us were concerned that you might have been projecting too much old stuff onto this new situation and so getting it a bit out of perspective (None of US, EVER do this, EVER, do we! LOL sigh) but we are with you 100%. You don't need to doubt that. Whatever support you need, we will try to give our best here.

This man has met his match in you. You are not going to be walked over. Don't let him pitch you right back into your old stuff of :

quote:

Right now I'm in the space that feels like I don't deserve to have a place in this world or to breathe the air

Give him what for. Tell him where he is going wrong. Keep strong. He SHOULD be able to take it. And tell him that about 15 people from all over the world will walk into his office and 'tell him off soundly' if he doesn't buck up
some of them being psychologists and therapists themselves .

did you give a slight smile at that image?

I hope so.



sticking with you, keep talking to us, I care about you TN.

Remember- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, YOU DID NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF...the child with a broken and traumatized heart was reaching out in the only way she knew how... and you were helping her to have her needs met.

You have every right to be sad and angry...but come back from that... don't let that sadness and hurt and anger engulf you. Come back from that with the help of your cyber buddies. Keep reaching out....

...and we love "putting up with you" as you put it. You are so important to us here. Your wisdom is evident. Stay- and keep sharing----

(((TN))) Just here supporting. I know I already gave you my thoughts, but I wanted to also let you know that I am still here, thinking of you and sending hugs, hoping the weekend passes gently for you and your T has had time to process his own feelings and reactions over the weekend. I know you can work through this. You are very brave and strong, more than I think either you or your T really recognize.

Oh you guys are just the best ever
I wish I could reach out and really hug you all. I finally have some quiet here and some clarity to come back to this topic.

STRM... he could have been angry and perplexed from our phone call on Monday where I was crying after our session when I had gone in and seen her HUGE brassy (tacky) nameplate on the door. I would not tell him the real issue because I didn't think telling him on the phone was a good idea and so I asked for an appointment sooner which he gave me. He told me if I was able I should email it to him and he would read it but I was afraid to do that because he would then send me a termination email. I cannot imagine he did not have a clue after our session on Monday but maybe he is dense about such things. He didn't understand why having a trauma/attachment injury background would make this a HUGE change in the office.

hi JenDark...he was way too defensive and he lost his therapeutic stance and it became personal to him. He was defending his decision and his wife and not able to see my anxiety over this. Thank you for posting.

effed... hi... yes it seems he lost the plot and became retaliatory towards me. I don't think there is any clinical evidence that it is helpful to call your patient names. He was probably shocked that I found out but really... I'm hypervigilent. I can tell if he moves anything in his office and I kept telling him that I felt something was wrong or changing in his office and it felt very unsafe. He kept denying to me that there was any change other than cleaning up the reception which needed it. Yet.. I was right ... there was a HUGE change that he avoided telling me. I never told him that he should get rid of her and I never said a bad word against her. I just wanted to be heard and reassured. I feel like I've lost my voice for now.

Hi Mayo... I know you are struggling with your own T so I appreciate your support here. I have to agree that it makes me wonder if it's just the "party-line" that T's tell us they want to hear all our feelings and that we are accepted unconditionally because he certainly did not want to hear any feelings I had in regard to this situation HE created in his office. I was not acceptable to him. I was mean and ungraceful. So how can I believe he really ever does want to hear my feelings?

number 9... you are correct... my worst fears came to pass... especially that I WAS judged and found unacceptable and also that if I was in pain and grief that he would be there to offer comfort and instead he just left me alone. That was the worst feeling ever. I have not felt that alone since the day oldT slammed his door in my face. Thank you for getting mad on my behalf. I do think he had a very negative transference reaction toward me when I told him I knew. He did a lousy job of hearing me because he was too busy thinking of himself.

Thanks Liese. I have some calm moments. I know what I should do on Monday but not sure if I have any courage left over to pursue it.

Hi Saka... how are you doing? Thank you for the support. It really means a lot to me. Of course I want to be there for you. I know how painful it is to lose a T suddenly. It's horrible and brings so much grief that no one else outside of therapy really understands.

Sadly, thank you for your kind words and continued support and the boost to my confidence and courage in this situation. For all his experience and education he can be a silly man. I think I am a challenge for him in some ways and it may have shaken him out of his complacency a bit. I do think he has the knowledge and experience to work with me but he will have to really use it and not sit back and coast. Yet... sometimes I get scared because oldT could not handle me and got rid of me and I have nightmares that it will happen again. I don't think I could come back again from another abandonment. You totally made me crack up with the image of a whole bunch of you marching around outside his office with signs..



and then giving him heck about his defensiveness. Oh that is too funny!

Mayo thank you for being one of my cyber-buddies here helping me and supporting me. You know he is always asking to meet the child and tells me to bring her and then when did, he scared her to death. She is well hidden now. I told her that this T is different and he would understand why his wife was such a threat to us and instead he thought that I was having erotic transference towards him and didn't want him to be married I have NO NONE NADA of those kinds of feelings towards him. I had some of that for oldT at times but never with this T. He may be too full of himself

Yaku, thanks for checking in. I know it's hard lately for you. Sending you a ton of safe hugs. Like you I'm really hoping and counting on T having some time to reflect on his lovely behavior towards me and we will be able to speak calmly about what happened.

Much love to you all. You are a wonderful support group.
TN

quote:

For all his experience and education he can be a silly man. I think I am a challenge for him in some ways and it may have shaken him out of his complacency a bit. I do think he has the knowledge and experience to work with me but he will have to really use it and not sit back and coast.

to my T!

Hey TN- just got back from skiing on my lil Mtn.
Glad you are doing somewhat better-

Many hugs- ma dear!!!

Leaving for T in a half hour. I am really terrified because I don't know what I am going to find. Will he still be angry? Will he have taken some time to reflect how he behaved with me? I admit I was hysterically crying and in grief and I told him he lied to me but I was not mean to him or his new office mate.

He is such a good T but has definite blind spots about some things and he truly got angry with me which terrifies me. Anger just undoes me to the point where I just shut down.

I will go today and be the "good-est" girl I can be so i don't get in further trouble or make him angry again.

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support.

TN

Good luck TN!

(((((((((TN))))))))))

Super big hugs for you. Remember to breathe. I think, maybe, the best thing you could start with is just identifying this feeling that you have to:

quote:

be the "good-est" girl I can be so i don't get in further trouble or make him angry again.

As I have said before, I think the single biggest, most immediate need is to identify for him that his actions have contributed to feeling like you have to behave, like your feelings are unacceptable to him. If he hasn't been self-reflective already (I really, really, really hope he has been), letting him know how scared the conversations on boundaries (touch, his office changes/disclosures) make you about being emotionally abandoned should jumpstart that process. I know that your T wants it to be a safe place for you to share your feelings. I really think he just has certain areas he is just not as prepared to deal with and it shows. Remember (and remind him if need be) that he said before he didn't want you to be boring, to just behave. He wants to know YOU. He is attached to a real person, not a facade. And you are a lovely person. Dozens of people from across the world can't help but feel positive, caring feelings toward you, the real you, all your raw feelings. You are someone to be loved! Also, remember that he gave you the dragon again. He isn't looking to send you away. He really wants you to hang on! I'm sorry if none of this helps, but I'm just thinking good thoughts and praying for a good session for you, at least one that gets you through safely/grounded until Thursday, as I know this kind of stuff can take days or weeks or months (or gasp, years, if you are talking about the underlying issues) to work out in their entirety. Lots of hugs!!!

Yaku that helps immensely. I will hold onto those thoughts. And I know deep down that you are correct. He wanted to know me, not the boring facade. He also wanted to meet the little kid, who can be troublesome at times. He told me that I was fully accepted there, unconditionally. So if he means that then I should be allowed to speak of my feelings about certain things.

I'll check back later.

Thanks
TN

I have got all my fingers and toes crossed for you for today. He had better shape up and learn to say things like "I stuffed up" which is one of my T's favourite phrases for when he does indeed mess up.And 'Sorry I got that wrong and we were at odds, that must have caused you some awful pain". He says that too.

Hope your T is not getting too big for his boots.

Holding you and hugging you. I would say more but I feel so sore today as I failed my audition. Not reason why. Just got an email: 'sorry you were not successful on this occasion'. sigh.

thinking of you-

Hi All..

Okay... I have to take care of something here so I can't write much. But I knew you all cared about my session and it went pretty well. My T was more himself and told me he was really happy to see me. He told me that I found out that my T is human (LOL, no kidding). I set him straight about the erotic transference and he said he totally believes me. He also said that he did not feel he could comfort me when I was crying and in such deep pain because he believed he was the cause of that pain and that I would not have welcomed any comfort from him at all. So I think that helped me to realize he was just afraid to make the situation worse. It has also opened up some things to discuss. Oh and he said he was surprised that he didn't hear from me over the past 5 nights and he was hoping I was okay.

Sadly... I'm sorry to hear you did not have a successful audition... rejection hurts no matter where it comes from and not having an explanation is hard to live with. I hope you are successful next time.

I'll write more later.

Hugs to all.
TN

(((TN))) So glad it went well and thanks so much for updating us! You seem calmer, even if there is still a lot to work through. I look forward to reading more later when you have time to share.

Oh TN, I'm sooooo glad things went better this time.

You can tell your T that he still has a fan club here even though he's not 100% perfect all the time. And TN, you will always have a fan club yourself too. You are one brave woman!!

((TN))

I'm glad to hear it went well and your T was happy to see you. It is also good to know that he didn't think he could comfort you at that moment and not that he didn't want to or didn't think you deserved comforting. I'm leaving for my session and hope it goes half as well.

(((((TN)))))

Glad to hear it.



Liese

Thanks for the update TN, and I'm SO glad you talked about it with T and are moving forward positively! It is so strange when a situation that seem so unfixable in our minds (based on past experiences) is actually handled in a positive, healthy, helpful way!

Good work!

Good to hear you two are communicating again - hope it continues. He is learning loads from you. Sign of a good therapy relationship, when the therapist is well and truly stretched in a good way by a client. Otherwise they get stuck and complacent. (LOL)

Thanks for your words about my audition.It was one of the most prestigious choirs in the world, and I was kind of aiming high. I don't know how close I was to getting in, or whether I was way off getting in. that is the hardest part. I am going to improve my breath technique and also my sight reading and try again in a year or so. So watch this space!

Glad you felt supported by us all. that is what we are here for to support each other. Therapy is hard enough without feeling isolated as a client.

Hi TN,

What great news! I'm so happy for you!



Summer

Thank you all for being happy for me.

When I got there no one was around and T's door was open so I ran in there and settled in. I decided to try to sit in the chair today and so when he walked in he smiled at me and said .... no sitting on the floor today? And I said no because I know he has a bad back. He said that it's just creaky with age and it's hard getting up. Then he teased me that he noticed I was not so graceful either in getting up LOL. Then he said he actually looks forward to sitting on the floor with me... I thought that was nice.

He kept asking me how I was and I kept saying good, fine, well. He said he was surprised he didn't hear from me over the past 5 days and I said that it was not necessary. He questioned me further and I told him I was able to numb myself so that I could function. He said he would rather I did not have to do that. He spent a lot of the session addressing the fact that I am just sitting there waiting for him to abandon me and he is not going to do that. He told me that I'm pushing him and I'm just really scared. He said whenever we move closer then I push him away. I said that was not it... it was him hiding the new staff member from me. He said he was not hiding anything and in fact, he had NO idea what I was so upset about all last week. He said he saw the two situations (oldT/wife and him/wife) as so different he didn't make any connections there.

We really didn't talk about the wife much... mostly about us and our relationship. I told him I was mad at him for calling me mean and critical and he said he told me I was acting mean and critcal towards him and that was different. he knows I'm not mean. We went into semantics over those words quite a bit. He kept telling me to look at him. It was hard to do that today but I worked hard to hold eye contact. He said a lot of nice things to me and wanted me to look at him when he said it....probably hoping it would penetrate my thick head LOL. He told me again that he likes working with me, is happy to see me, has respect for me and thinks I'm very smart and kind and that he has come to care very much for me. He said he needs to tell me this in words because he is not good at "showing" it. He said it's a hazard of doing his job for many years. He just does not show much emotion anymore but he wants me to know how he feels. I think this is where we hit roadblocks and I have to remember to tell him this. I take in more info when I can SEE it or read it in body language. With this T, it's hard to take in his cues in that right brain way. In fact, he asked me what he could do to enable me to accept what he is telling me. I didn't know.

I told him he has blind spots and avoids certain things and he asked me what and I told him the touch conversation. He acknowledged that and said he'd been thinking about that and we would get back there again. I didn't ask what he was thinking because I was already so nervous. But now I wonder why he was thinking of it or thinking that we needed to finish it.

I told him how I felt so alone when I was sobbing and he didn't say or do a thing. As I wrote above... he said he felt responsible for causing me that pain and felt I would not want his comfort and he was afriad to make it worse for me. I told him that was not true and he could just ask me next time.

He then asked me an important question... what would happen if I was just able to accept his care for me and accept what he says to me? Could I just try to do that. I didn't know. I'm still thinking about it. I told him if I tried to do that it would all go poof! He then told me that all these things I'm doing, pushing him away, picking on every little thing, this was not keeping me safe and it was not giving me any more control over therapy. HE is the one keeping me safe and I'm safe because he is safe and he cares about me and does not want to hurt me.

I returned what he gave to me and he told me it's there for whenever I feel I need it again. That was nice. He patted my arm twice and we made some small talk before I left saying I would see him again Thursday. We shook hands and I left.

We still have things to talk about but I do feel better. I still feel unsure about the wife being there because I don't know HER. She is an unknown entity to me and her behavior is something I am not familiar with nor can I predict if I will bump into her. I would hope not and have not seen anyone around lately.

so that's it. Thanks for reading.

Hugs
TN