((TN)) very heartwarming I'm so glad it went gently for you today and that you and your T talked so openly. I hope you can allow acceptance of his care and what he says to you - in time you can!

Thanks for the update TN. I love how you both spoke so much about your relationship - I love having these chats to my T myself. The more you talk about it the easier it becomes to talk about. Your T said and did so many wonderful things. I am not sure how I would answer if T asked me could I just accept her care and the words - I can listen to the words, I can analyse the evidence that T hasn't done anything badly wrong, I can put all the real life examples, her behaviour, her words, indisputable evidence all in to my brain - and I would still be expecting for something to go wrong and for T to stuff up.

I so love how he said that he needs to tell in you words about him caring for you and enjoying you - because he isn't good at showing it. I think you taught him a lot of valuable lessons in the past month or so, he has become more human and is taking on board his weaknesses and trying to learn from it.

We don't have thick heads TN - we have injured and broken souls.

As usual, I have really enjoyed reading your account of your therapy today and as usual - I have learnt a great deal from you.

Well, TN, that sounds good. And of course I can't help reading into that remark about touch that he is open to reconsidering....

he is a good man. How about just throwing in the towel and accepting that he deeply cares about you and is not going to drop you/abandon you/terminate you. I say it tongue in cheek as I am only just living the lovely feeling of feeling that my sweet P is truly there for me. He is. Wow. That little lonely hurting child in me has an ally and she is not alone anymore.

It is a bit like jumping off a cliff. but he is a good man. I don't think him or my T will abandon us. We both have these huge near ruptures with them but these ruptures are not terminal. We are learning to trust that they are mendable.

I am so grateful that he is able to keep meeting you emotionally as well as just being there.

I'm so g you are feeling betterTN lad to hear that. mycomputer doesn't work well so it's hard as the typing messes up, but wanted to tell you I'm happy it worked out.

love beebs

TN

I'm glad that the session went well and your T was more like himself. It sounds like you covered some important ground and he provided some explanations that helped explain some of the pain from the last session.

quote:

He then asked me an important question... what would happen if I was just able to accept his care for me and accept what he says to me?

Obviously I think this is the ideal (to just accept it), but if you were able to just accept it I'm guessing you would. It is such a reflexive defensive response. It isn't something that you can just choose to do. KWIM? Sure you can try to set your mind to that, but your defenses are automatic and outside of executive control.

Anyway, I'm glad that he was warmer today and that you left feeling better than you did when you came in. Hopefully the next few sessions will help you two get back on track.

(((TN))) So glad things are on the mend. Have been sending lots of good thoughts for this session!

I agree with STRM here. I mean, intellectually, you ARE choosing to accept his care. That's what you taking his transitional object home and coming back on Monday said. It says, "On some level, I know that you are safe and care and aren't leaving." But, you can't force or rush the little kid to get there. It's automatic. My T does more than I could ever ask for and still faces constant panic, running away, pushing away. I think it is just something that takes as long as it takes and the best we can really hope for is the part of us that can objectively observe the safety (i.e. the part of you that thinks through all the things he has done for you, all the ways he has been there, been steady, and the ways he has worked with you to repair when stuff breaks down) to keep us coming back and letting that terror of being abused or abandoned be expressed, as many times as it needs to, to receive the reassurance as many times as it takes to internalize that trust on another level. It is slowly happening with some of my inside kids, but it takes very little to send them scrambling away again.

I guess all I'm saying is I'm concerned about you putting pressure on yourself (or perceiving pressure from him) to just feel differently. If any of us could do that, we wouldn't use dissociation and other coping mechanisms. If we could do that, therapy probably just wouldn't exist and your T would have to find another calling, right? So, maybe going in there and talking about the level on which you do accept his care and expressing patience with that little one who can't move any more quickly than feels safe...I think that would be best. I know it can get frustrating, but I think your patience and his is really the quickest way to trust. Every time I have expressed mistrust, fear, the desire to run away, etc., yet still stayed in that terrified moment with my T, has been a step closer to them trusting him...because they are learning that no matter how many times or ways they say, "You're going to leave!" or "You're going to hurt me!" his response will always be, "I'm not leaving, not abandoning, we're safe!"

Anyway, just my thoughts. Lots more (((hugs))).

Hi all and thanks...

Yaku... I have felt all those good thoughts coming my way and it has helped.

Yaku and STRM... I think when my T asked me that question it was more as if he was just asking me to imagine how that would feel if I COULD accept his care for me and the good opinion he has for me. I think it was more to have me explore the thoughts and feelings around that possibility more than telling me to just accept it flat out. First of all, he does not believe in leaps of faith and reminds me to make my decisions regarding relationships on how I have experienced the other person and their behavior towards me. To look at their record of consistency, kindness, reliability etc. So thank you for being concerned but I'm not feeling any pressure to just accept him or his care. He knows that it will take a long time and us repeating this over and over a million times. THAT is part of the process and he is familiar with that and it does not scare him.

Hi Beebs... so good to hear from you. Sorry about the computer issues. I hate that!

R2G... I agree it's wonderful when you see how differently things (like disruptions) can be handled and how well they can work out.

Summer... thanks for being happy for me. I hope you are okay.

Cat... thanks. Yeah I know it will take time. I was making some progress when oldT abandoned me and it really set me back in the trust department. A T is not supposed to abandon you!

SomeDays...so nice to hear from you. I was suprised when he said that to me about telling me how he felt because he does not show it. This has been an issue for us because he does not show much reaction to things and I always then accused him of not having empathy towards me. So this self-disclosure was really helpful and it explains enough to make me feel more comfortable with him. I like to think that I have taught him something and that he would always been open to learning new things. He openly admits to wanting to learn from me and about me. I think that is a good thing.

Sadly... haha I read the same thing into his remark about the touch discussion. I was wondering if he was wondering if having some kind of touch (like a pat on the arm or hand) would have helped me last week when I was so grief-stricken and in pain. I am hoping we can get back to that discussion soon. I have to admit if he has not dropped me yet he is going to stay. He has already been tested a lot more than I tested oldT. In the end, I think it's all about time and consistency. We will both get there eventually.

I am doing much better thanks to all of you. I appreciated the support.

TN

Ahh, I get it, TN. That makes sense. My T sometimes gives me "what would it be like" mental exercises about stuff, like, "What would it be like to not have to invalidate yourself constantly?" Even just imagining being able to feel that way (the internalizing of acceptance your T is describing) washes me over with grief and relief at the same time. Seriously, to imagine just being able to feel connected in an organic, unfettered way...makes me want to cry. I had a moment of feeling that way last night (not the actual automatic safety/trust, but a sort of connection to the yearning there). It is just this very deep, unmet need to belong. To belong to or with another person or people. It was a realization that despite having such a large, extended family, there was never anywhere we felt we fit inside it (unless we were taking care of everyone else)...it was always just being outside. But, every time this feeling of wanting to "belong" to T comes up, there is such a panic, because there is a sense that it's something we don't get to have (by law of the universe). I think if I were able to accept that, in a way, I "belong" in that relationship, that I ought to have belonged all along and it wasn't my fault that nobody made room for me to fit...I might start crying (hard for me to do) and it feels like I might never stop (although I know I would eventually). I tend to skip over integrating these sort of realizations though. I get pulled in by the gravity of the relationship between T and I and then my invalidation kicks in, puts out a magnetic pulse to repel me away, to protect me from knowing how I was hurting and helpless...and I just can't make the connection to myself. T and I talked A LOT about that last night, the number of tactics I use to avoid connecting, not just with him, but with my own experiences. He was gentle about it, but he actually got a little stern with me on my refusing to allow those parts expression and affirmation of their experiences. Anyway, off topic a bit here. Just feel like I can relate to what your T is asking you to do...and also how impossible it feels to consider it.

TN, thanks for sharing your session. When you share, you give me hope, as I really struggle in my relationship with T.

quote:

He said he needs to tell me this in words because he is not good at "showing" it. He said it's a hazard of doing his job for many years. He just does not show much emotion anymore but he wants me to know how he feels. I think this is where we hit roadblocks and I have to remember to tell him this. I take in more info when I can SEE it or read it in body language.

My T is like a stone wall. That's the best way to describe her. I hate it. Very rarely has she ever changed position, shown she cared with body and facial expression, and only one time has she said it (when I said I didn't know how to end/leave therapy because I was so attached to her). Many times I even feel as if she is cold, tired, bored, angry with me, doesn't want to see me....I can sense it....in fact yesterday she was like that, but then 3 minutes into the session she changed (thankfully, or I might have just left, because other sessions when she is like that, she is like that the whole session).

I hope you can accept his care and concern <3