Quilter - I am completely without wisdom in this area, having only been with my one T, but it sounds like what you are wanting is pretty reasonable considering the chances of you seeing your Old T around. Have you talked to your New T about what she thinks about you potentially doing this? Even though you're not attaching, you do think she seems to be very helpful (and it sounds like she has a lot of info on how you related to Old T), so maybe she can give you some guidance on whether this is a good step, appropriate timing, etc.? I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, but really did want to let you know I read this and was trying to think it through. (((Quilter)))

Hi Quilter,

I really wanted to reply to you but have so many mixed feelings based on my own experience that I'm sure I would be biased. It would be hard for me if I knew I would run into an Old T around town.

Liese

Hi Quilter,
I think going back for closure is a good idea. I am wondering, have you discussed this with your T? She might have some good insights on how to handle it and you would have her support and knowledge to help you get through any reactions you have.

As far as contacting her, I am wondering if you have email access to oldT? Because she was defensive before, it might help if you could email and explain you would like to set a phone call because you know that you were so upset the last time you talked to her and you'd like a chance to end things more gracefully and at least part of the reason you want to do that, is that you feel like you didn't have a chance to acknowledge the good that came out of the relationship. I think her knowing ahead of time and being told it won't just be negative, will help her be more open. (I know, she's the therapist and you shouldn't have to take care of her, but I want you to get the best chance to speak. And often if we start out by letting someone know that we care for them and that they are valuable to us, it's easier to hear any criticism.)

I think it's really good that you want to deal with this face on. I hope it works out well for you, and you are able to find some closure that would leave both of you on better footing. I am really glad that you have found a new T that you can do such good work with.

AG

Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone. It is hard to decide what to do, but nice to hear input and a little support so I know that I am not totally off base in even ever wanting to talk to OldT. again. I have talked about this with New T.- we have spent many, many sessions processing what happened with Old T. I haven't brought it up in awhile so I am not sure what New T. will have to say about it when I am in this new, different stage. There was a point where she said that I should definitely contact Old T., have closure, that she would even call Old T. for me, but that was when I wasn't ready for it yet. However, I am really embarrassed to bring it up again. I felt like I really obsessed about it for quite awhile and I was finally "over it" in therapy, and now here it is again. I know that it is my therapy and working through this is working through other issues at the same time, but still-- I just feel uncomfortable bringing it up AGAIN. I feel like New T. will sigh in her head and think, "If I have to hear about freakin' Old T. again..." LOL.
Anyway- I do wish I had e-mail access to Old T. because that would make this alot easier, but I never have. (I know her e-mail address from a little internet searching, but she has never given it to me!) AG- I do like your idea and I think you are right that she might be less defensive if I let her know ahead of time that I am wanting to thank her and not dwell on the negative, she will be more open. I know she won't answer when I call (never, ever picks up her phone), so maybe I can say this in my initial message. (Or maybe I just say my whole deal in the message and then just never pick up when she calls back, hope that she leaves a good message for me, and be done with it the nice passive-aggressive way!).
Sorry this is really rambling, but you guys did really help me sort through everything!

Quilter,

I left my Old T. I ran from her, to be precise. But then we had a couple of wierd phone conversations afterwards because I couldn't figure out what went wrong, why things didn't work out. Finally, when she found out I had a new therapist already, she said to me, Liese, this is a professional relationship and you will never see me again. Click.

And, I felt SO relieved. I hadn't even realized that's why I was still calling her, because I was so uncomfortable with leaving her and perhaps running into her somewhere. I hate "rejecting" people. I didn't want her to be mad at me for leaving her. So when she said that to me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I hated the feeling of leaving another "dead body" as I call it, another relationship that didn't work out, out there. It caused me so much anxiety. She lives in another town and although her office is in my town's village, I don't hang out there too much and she probably doesn't either. She just goes to her office on a side street. And, so really, I knew that the chances that I would run into her were and are next to nill. I actually thought it was very astute of her to realize that's what was bothering me because I didn't realize it. But then again, that's why she's a psychologist and I'm in therapy.

I've been with new T for 3 1/2 years and never ever considered going back to her, Old T. Was so relieved to have found new T. But lately, after T and I had the "he doesn't love me" convo, I had a very small inkling of wanting to see her again to tell her I loved her and I was sorry for leaving her. I squashed that feeling very quickly. But I had to wonder to myself what that was all about, if I couldn't make new T love me than I'll go back to OldT and try to make her love me? When will twisting myself inside out ever stop? When will I just accept that not everyone is going to love me and that's okay? I'm not going to love everyone either. It's just all okay. I don't know when I'll get to that point but I'm working on it.

You just have to work out your feelings and it takes as long as it takes. If you are worried about alienating new T, perhaps you can preface bringing it up by saying, I don't want to alienate you but I'm still struggling with this and need to talk about it again. It has nothing to do with my feelings for you or our relationship. Maybe that would make you feel a little better broaching the subject with new T.

Good luck,

Liese

Quilter,

Since you don't have email, could you send her a letter ahead of time and explain why you want to talk with her? I think if you feel that you need this for closure then it's worth a try. Good luck!

Hi STRM,
Writing a letter is definitely a possibility. Maybe even without the conversation. I have a draft of a letter that I wrote to her mostly for myself but could potentially send to her. I'm traveling this week (big trigger for me), so I have decided to wait until after this trip to do anything about the situation, just to decrease the amount of stress. But after this trip, I think I really do need to contact her. I am pretty sure I will just call ahead and leave the I want to get closure and thank you preemptive don't get defensive message on her voice mail and then she will call me back and we will talk. Maybe I should just send a letter instead? Ahh!! This is all so confusing and hard.