This is why I like IFS as a model. In that model you've got Self (the "real" you), exiles (young, needy, hurting parts), and protectors (parts that protect the exiles or protect you from the pain of the exiles).

So "You don't get access to that part of me" was likely one of your protectors doing its job by saying "hell no, you won't get anywhere close to these exiles, they are too vulnerable and you shouldn't be trusted."

In time, you and your T can develop a relationship with your protector parts so that they will actually willingly allow you to work with the exiles, though.

Hi, BLT.

I like that you mention IFS. I briefly saw someone trained in that method, and it appealed to me in theory, but in practice, I freaked out with it. She ended up terminating me because of my SI anyway so it all kind of fell apart.

Outsider,
Therapy, especially for trauma, isn't about what we know. You *KNOW* your therapist is trustworthy, but your gut level unconscious belief, kept in the split off part of your self, unconscious and based on your experience, doesn't know or trust that at all. You have to keep experiencing your T being trustworthy, over and over again, until you build up enough experience that all of you can really believe that your T can be trusted (unlike your prior experience.) You're not lying, you're learning.

So while you should be working on opening up and trusting your T, you should also have compassion for yourself, there are very real, valid reasons you feel this way. It just doesn't happen to be the truth any longer.

AG

Oh, that sounds like a lousy experience, Outsider. I'm sorry if what I said was triggering :-( I wasn't trying to advocate for doing any specific kind of therapy, I was just trying to explain the dynamics of why you might say something like what you said.

No harm, BLT! I definitely understood what you were saying. Thank you.

Outsider- I really relate to this. One of the things I struggle with is control. And not in the, I need to be perfect sort of way, but in the, I have to control myself at all times sort of way. It's really hard in therapy because, like others have said, logically I KNOW that my T is trustworthy and safe but there's still a part of me that can't let go/trust. I try to access my other side too, but it's just so hard. My T sometimes says things like, "feelings aren't rational" or "it doesn't have to make sense" but I feel so silly or ashamed to say things that I haven't judged to be smart/articulate/logical/whatever. It gets tiring. One of the overarching goals of my therapy is to learn to be more authentic..which really encompasses embracing all parts of me, including the irrational ones.

I wish I had some advice or something, but this is exactly what I struggle with. I have such a strong need for control that I haven't been able to cry in therapy. I've been going for over 2 years and I've never shed one tear. Some sessions all I want to do is cry (!!!) but I just can't. Something (I guess it would be protector parts..I do IFS therapy a lot) is stopping me. I logically understand this, but emotionally, it is a different story.

I like AG's response that we just need to keep going and feeling out T's trustworthiness. And keep opening ourselves up, little by little. It does not sound like you are lying in any way. You are protecting yourself in ways that were adaptive at one point in your life. I think it can take a long time to correct that, and knowing T is safe or wanting to let go a little is just a small piece of it. The fact that you continue to go to T shows that there are parts of you that want something different, perhaps a less controlled and more spontaneous and authentic you. But that's obviously scary. And any change takes time. I am so grateful that my T hasn't gotten so annoyed with me yet. I feel like I'm being so annoying and just stuck in certain ways. I don't know if you feel stuck, but I have lately. It's tough. I just think we have to keep showing up and keep listening to our Ts. I don't know..I don't have anything useful to say, but I totally relate to what you have said, so thanks for sharing!

(((OUTSIDER)))

quote:

but I'm left wondering how can he help if I think I'm willing to let him help but am so clearly lying to both of us.

Only one part of you is lying to both of you. The other part of you really wants help. It's going to be a push-pull type of thing until that part of you that doesn't want to be accessed learns to trust. Your T sounds so compassionate and like he understands that it's not going to be easy and it's going to take time.

Thanks, AG, BLT, Erica & Liese.

I know this is hard work and it takes time and I'm actually making progress with this T, but I don't KNOW it. When in the trenches, it's so easy to lose sight of all of that.

So the encouragement I find from everyone is golden.