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Reality Checking - Am I over-reacting? - Short update

aboutaboutMember
Hello People from the Forum,

So... I have suddenly the "proof" that my T is going to disappear as soon as I will trust she won't. But... this is so very exactly "what I always knew would happen" that I find it slightly suspicious, and think that maybe I am slightly over-reacting, would you help me trying to see whether you find my interpretation "for sure, that's it", "quite likely" or "totally crazy"?

Some background: last week was ... sort of difficult, feeling very SU and I did not dare to ask her for help, because I had on the week before (situational stressors, I just don't deal well with them and they are currently numerous) but I did tell her afterwards, and she offered 2 sessions this week, which was very helpful in keeping me less... terrified/lost/with nothing onto which hold.
At the end of this session, she asked when I wanted the next one to be, and I struggled a bit less than usual to ask for an "early" session, in half a week rather than a week, because... I feel it is helpful and reassuring and too many things freak me out and... she helps me feeling "safer"?

So, we booked it, and then, she said we would decide on the next one later, at the end of the next session.

And I understood it meant:
- it was wrong to ask when I was not dying, since I am not in danger anymore (family visiting, so I will be safe)
- it was wrong to ask
- I am too dependent
- until now she had said yes because I could not ask, so if I can ask, then I must not get it and it will be the same for everything: if I ever trust she won't disappear, she immediately will, because it IS the next step of learning. If I trust she won't hurt me, she will have to teach me that she will. But then, I really don't ever want to think that people won't abandon me, because it is worse if it is unexpected.

Of course, I did not tell her that, and said how it was perfect, because I did not know my schedule late.

I alternate thinking that my understanding of the situation is perfectly clear, and thinking that maybe I am influenced by my fears.... So... any external point of view? I know you were not there, but... does my thinking seem rational (it feels so, to me)? Or not? Or in the middle?

Sorry for bothering you again, I just... try to learn how to identify when I get caught in my thinking patterns?
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sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
((((About)))) it doesn't sound like she is going to disappear on you at all. It kind of sounds like she is trying to go with your pace - so, whatever you need when you next see her, that is what she will try to provide.

She will definitely NOT want to teach you that she will hurt you, or let you down. She sounds like she is just going with you - gently.

Our fears can really lead us to believe that at all times we are NOT safe, that we will be hurt, that letting down our guard just a little will end in pain. Those fears are there because of what happened to us in the past... and gently, slowly, carefully we can learn that some people wont do those things if we trust them a little. Keep noticing how you feel and maybe wonder how those fears got in there in the start?

Take gentle care,

SB
puppetpuppetMember
((about))
i understand what you're saying (i think). this 'proof' somehow is safer... at least you won't be surprised by it, at least you are prepared. because maybe you're waiting and waiting for her to 'abandon' you and by having 'proof' at least you know. less painful than waiting and hoping....

or maybe this is all me...? sorry if it is... i think i am currently waiting for more than proof - i just want her to do it, get it over and done with! this elusive proof which comes and goes is not enough, i want it to be over.

this is probably not helpful at all... please feel free to ignore it. i'm sorry if i'm being selfish.

puppet
aboutaboutMember
Thank you for all your answers and insight.. I see your words and try to balance whether they are just "temptation to avoid the fear" or actual elements that may relate to reality.

quote:
She will definitely NOT want to teach you that she will hurt you, or let you down. She sounds like she is just going with you - gently.

I so wish I could believe that, but my childhood T was just so the opposite: everytime I felt I needed something she made sure I did not have it, everytime I was scared she carefully avoided any form of reassurance, everytime something felt better for me, I was not allowed to have it, everytime I was scared of her doing something, she would do it because... then it teaches me that my feelings don't matter, and... it is good? It was good? Maybe it was good? But I can't help thinking that my current T will realise at some point that being hurt is what I need because I am being wrong, and I need to be hurt to teach me not to be wrong anymore.

quote:
My T once used the image of a roller coaster. He said even though your mind knows you're strapped in, your body still physically reacts with fear and it's not your fault.


Yes! My brain can know whatever it wants, I still 'feel' all the signs that I am going to be abandoned.


Short update: I emailed her (just because I realised I needed to change the time of the appt).
And she replied, kindly, offering several times, and even times that are not her usual appts times if it was easier for me. So... it means she does not want me to disappear and she is okay with me having an appointment? But there were also times later in the week, so it means she is not okay with me having asked an early appointment?
=> Yeah, obviously I can't make up my mind on that, I'll just feel bad about it, that sounds like a great idea.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Quote:
quote:


"I so wish I could believe that, but my childhood T was just so the opposite: everytime I felt I needed something she made sure I did not have it, everytime I was scared she carefully avoided any form of reassurance, everytime something felt better for me, I was not allowed to have it, everytime I was scared of her doing something, she would do it because... then it teaches me that my feelings don't matter, and... it is good? It was good? Maybe it was good? But I can't help thinking that my current T will realise at some point that being hurt is what I need because I am being wrong, and I need to be hurt to teach me not to be wrong anymore."


What? WHAT??? That is totally ABUSIVE. That is awful - no wonder you think your current T will try to 'teach you a lesson'. I cannot type what I would like to say about your childhood experiences of 'therapy' - what that T did is totally wrong! It is a miracle and testiment to your strength that you ever approached another T. Sheesh.

You should have learned as a little person that your needs were important, and, in most circumstances could be met. Kids need to feel safe, responded to, reassured, given access to things/people who help them feel secure. Frightening experiences should have been soothed and you should not have had to face them again.

I'm glad your current T wants to meet your needs. She is offering a range of times/days so you can have what you need. It's ok to feel scared, but I don't think this one is trying to hurt you - the opposite infact.

Take gentle care,

SB
aboutaboutMember
But the thing is, my childhood T sort of saved my life, so... how can she not have been right about everything? How can I "betray" her by wanting care? by wanting something different.

I tried telling my T about that, but I am lost in so many "misunderstandings", all the time, I "hear" her saying I ma a bad person so many times, in one session, or I decide all by myself I am wrong, that it is difficult to fix "one" of those misunderstandings, as it would take an eternity to fix them all, and they would keep coming up:

Me: "I am a quite lame person"
Her: "I think you're quite brilliant"

=> my understanding: I need to compensate being a lame person by trying to be a good student, because she admits I am a lame person.

I can turn almost anything into negativity.

But I tried, and she did say it was not what she meant, but... can I believe her?

I am sorry, I am still too much "in the feelings", to be able to post a constructive update *goes hiding ashamed*. I am so scared I'll "get used" to be supported only to be then deprived of it when I don't expect it, because that's how life works, and I should not ask for more. I am so scared she does not care, it physically hurts. I am afraid.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
((((About))))

A friend of mine who was having brief (nhs) therapy said that her T talked to her about 'internal truthes'. It goes something like this:

We learn as kids what to expect - like a pattern of relationships, who we are percieved to be. Then as adults we seek validation for those 'truthes' - so whatever evidence comes along we try to squeeze it into our internal model of relationship and ourselves. The thing is, those 'truthes' weren't accurate if our upbringing was abusive. My mother is an abusive narcissist. I have literally spent 2 decades trying to undo what she did to me (and my sister). I understand what you are saying About - you are listening out for negativity, as this is a 'truth' (that is really a lie) that has been fed to you. The good thing is that you are beginning to notice this - and to ask yourself can you believe the positive things your T (and probably one or two others) are saying to you.

Go gently, you are doing very well.

SB
aboutaboutMember
Short one, even if I'd really like to answer better. I did it again.

I said "I can see you Monday or Thursday" (Monday implying "twice a week", and the second session is usually on mondays or tuesdays), she said she did not have space anymore on monday, did not mention Tuesday. And of course, I don't know if it means she thought I should not see her twice, or that she was respecting the days I had indicated.
Tss. Stupid me, now I am left with feeling bad. I guess that's just being in therapy, appointments are always too far or too close.
aboutaboutMember
I am hesitating sending her an email asking whether it was what it meant, but... I scared it is "wrong" to do so. I have trouble seeing whether asking for more sessions to avoid crisis state rather than when in crisis is legitimate. My guts says no, and her actions, well... are confusing!

Do I send an email, or am I brave and after all I can totally wait?
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
Hi About,

Could you email her and tell her you are confused by the communication about appointments?

I know it can feel so scary to ask for what you need or want (I find it really difficult). She may be just booked up - most of the time people's behaviour isn't our doing or a reaction to us, however I know what it is like to look for evidence of rejection all the time.

Hope you can find a gentle way forward. Most T's want to help and be there for their clients - in amongst their various rules and models of how to do that effectively.

SB

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