i'm just thinking out "loud". i finally got around to emailing T and getting something set up.
i've been waking up sad lately. i had a dream yesterday: i was approaching T's door, and a bunch of people started pouring out like a group session was over. i felt awkward so i waited outside until they were all gone. i went in, and T seemed super distracted and brought me to an unfamiliar waiting room where i sat. two women came and got me, and we went and made some wilted salad thing and ate it together. it was actually pretty good, but i was feeling really sad. one of the women asked me if i would like him to come and say goodbye before i left, and said i would like that. she stood up and i said "i don't want you to tell him that" because i didn't want him to come say goodbye unless he wanted to on his own. but she got up to clear the dishes, not go talk to him. and i left without seeing him. end of dream.
it's no secret that i've always struggled with anxiety in going to therapy. what kept me going, i realized, is not only that i liked him from day one, but after time i realized that there was a level of comfort in going. i felt held and taken care of. it was an unfamiliar feeling and just so unexplainably cozy so i wanted to keep going back in spite of the crazy anxiety. really, very difficult, these two conflicting feelings. but the anxiety had the upper hand, and i abruptly quit.
i haven't seen my T in seven months. i've been wanting so bad to see him for so long, but i fight the urge to call and set something up. and i ruminate. i want to call, i don't want to call. i have conversations with him in my mind. always thinking about T, or at least the "relationship". knowing i need to get this resolved cuz i can't keep living like this, and he's really the only one that can help me out here.
and i woke up sad again today. and i know i'm finally going to go see T, and part of me is so happy! but still the anxiety. and i realized something this morning. i realized that this whole time, i mean the whole time since i started therapy 2-1/2 years ago, that i want to see T SO bad but that he really doesn't give a shit whether i come or not. that's what i realized the anxiety is all about. and i'm not even hurt. i'm just really sad.
Original Post
But it might not be totally true. I know that obviously, our Ts mean so much more to us than we do to them.... but, but.. I do think they do care about us. We do matter to them. Yes, your T has still gone on even when you decided to take a break. He's not falling apart. But I bet he will be happy to see you! A lot of my professors who are Ts in private practice talk about clients who have started and stopped therapy with them many times for many different reasons throughout the years. My Ts always talk about these clients with such warmth. You're being brave to face your anxiety, I think. Maybe your T will see that too.
some of his parting words were "i don't think we really wrapped up the anxiety to where we could", so i think you're right that he'll see at least some desire on my part to be rid of this.
