Update...though I feel ridiculous replying to my own thread. All sorts of projections going on in my head right now and trying not to let them win and that it is OK.

Now, I'm feeling pressed, like two-dimensional. I can remember a bit about my session. We reviewed my journal. He hadn't read it yet, so he scanned and brought up several things, because I could not even focus enough to read. T had to switch locations several times (think he was working from home) and at one point he got distracted by a painting on the ceiling. Then he went outside and was saying something about a cow mooing. I think that is real, but it sound bizarre. It was near the end of a session, so maybe he was trying to bring me out of whatever we were talking about...but I don't remember what it was. He praised me about a bunch of stuff, but I don't know what. He said some stuff regarding my attachment stuff and not noticing me cry last session, but it's like everything he said is some sort of wrapped present and I can't see what's in there, only guess at it from the shape, feeling, the sound of it when I shake it, the weight of it. I know he wasn't sure when he would be seeing me (Monday or Tuesday). We talked from 10:20 to 11:30...and I really can't remember anything concrete. I feel so disconnected from him right now. I want to cry.

Yaku,

It does sound like you are dissociating pretty badly. Could you try something that might seem a bit odd? Can you (as if you are talking to yourself), ask whoever it is inside (I know there might not be anybody, but just pretend if you have to) to step back from you a bit? You could say, "could anyone inside that is struggling and having a hard time please slowly take a few steps back". After that, if you can, in your mind imagine putting up some sort of protection or barrier around the bad stuff. It can be whatever you need it to be.

Another idea assuming it is nice outside there is to go outside and walk in the grass with your shoes and socks off. Feel the grass on your feet. Can you feel your feet? What does it feel like? What else do you notice outside? Any smells, sounds, sights? See if doing something like that helps to bring you back a bit.

I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))

STRM - Thanks. Will try a walk later. Boo is napping. I napped too. Had dreams of me as not me (I frequently am me as someone else in my dreams). And more dreams of just being asked so many questions. I can't remember the questions. I do remember couldn't really answer them...I didn't even have time to start answering one until the next one was asked. They were coming from different locations. I feel paranoid that everyone will think I'm lying, the way I think T does. But, this is my experience. It's true.

I'm still pretty foggy and heavy, but not as pressed. I still can't remember the session almost at all. I feel like I'm still waiting for it to start, for T to call me. I can't go outside now, but maybe I can find a surface in the house that I'm not used to standing on and feel what it's like on my feet.

I'm really scared you are going to think I'm stupid. I tried what you asked, to talk to myself and ask, and I was just hit with a wave of fear and disconnected sadness, and like a loud, "No!" was being yelled at me, but not like an angry no, like a scared, crying, begging no I would get from my daughter if I try to put her to bed or have to leave her somewhere (like when she goes to the children's classes during church). Does this sound stupid? Even as I write about it, I feel like I'm shrinking inside. Do you understand what I mean? Like being pulled back from in a way, but more like something is curling into a ball, out of my head and down into my breadbox. This is really stupid. You will all think I'm just making stuff up...a drama queen. A liar. I feel like I might throw up. I'm crying and I don't know why. Did I do something wrong? I'm confused. I want to ask for help, but I don't know who or how to ask...

I feel really tired again now, like I could nap several hours, but Boo will be up any minute. I've never been so tired in my life.

I sent a (really weird) text to T kind of in desperation about what I'm feeling. Now I am feeling much better. My body is still having strange sensations (like my limbs aren't fully connected or like they're borrowed and don't fit right), but my mind is clear, other than a slight headache. I don't feel like I'm going to pass back out at any moment. I'm sorry for bugging all of you with this. I feel like everyone must think I'm a freak. I may delete later. It's too hard thinking of you all calling me a liar. I know you aren't, but at the same time, I feel you are. And I'm really so sorry for that. I'm such a piece of $#!+ sometimes. I don't even know if I am overreacting or underreacting to all these feelings. I'm giving up on this session and will ask T to review what we discussed again next session, because I'm obviously not going to remember.

Thanks, Monte. I don't know why, but my mind is panicking that everyone thinks I'm trying to seem "more broken" than I am. I think it with T. I think it with H. I think it with anyone who I honestly reveal my pain to. I think it all the time and I have to fight so hard to not assume I "know" my intuitions are true.

My arms hurt really badly right now, where they have been feeling weighed down. It hurts so bad in one of my elbows/upper arms that I'm having trouble not crying. I feel like someone is hammering on me where my forehead meets my nose. H is home now. I guess it will be OK. I've had most of these feelings before, but to have them all at once and lasting so many hours, even after sleeping, is new for me. And, I usually remember my sessions so well. When I don't, they at least start to come back. But, I feel like there's a big blank chalkboard in my head, someone has erased it, and I can only see the remnants of a few words here and there, but without all the stuff in the middle, I don't know what the lecture was about. I'm still afraid this all sounds stupid.

Yaku,

None of it sounds stupid and I don't think you are a liar. Nobody here thinks that.

I'm sorry about the response you got when you tried to ask inside. Perhaps it wasn't wise of me to suggest. I'm not surprised by the response, but I feel bad that I may have made things worse with the suggestion.

I hope that your evening improves now that your husband is home.

quote:

I'm not surprised by the response, but I feel bad that I may have made things worse with the suggestion.

STRM - Sorry to bug you. Could you explain? Is this an expected response? How so/why? I do think I'm doing a little better now, so at least in the short term, not worse. Are you thinking worse in the long term? I mean, temporarily, it was a bad reaction, but I came through it pretty quickly. So, it's OK. I appreciate your suggestions.

Sorry...kind of wanting to keep this all chronicled in one place in case I decide to share with T. I am trying to learn to be more aware of my body, because T says my sensations are probably dissociated parts/emotions (and others here have said the same), so I want to learn what the sensations are saying. You guys can ignore me if it's annoying you (yes, sorry to keep projecting).

Now the parts that were hurting feel icey. It reminds me of the feeling I got after physical therapy sessions for my back, where they used electrical stimulation and ultrasounds. And kind of like having Icey Hot rubbed all over my arms and it is spreading to my back. It's accompanied by like...an agitated feeling, like overstimulated in a way that makes me a bit sick, like the nausea you get when you run too much and get dehydrated. It's like I'm breathing through a narrow straw. And my head is being squished at my temples now. I feel narrow or something.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:

quote:

I'm not surprised by the response, but I feel bad that I may have made things worse with the suggestion.

STRM - Sorry to bug you. Could you explain? Is this an expected response? How so/why? I do think I'm doing a little better now, so at least in the short term, not worse. Are you thinking worse in the long term? I mean, temporarily, it was a bad reaction, but I came through it pretty quickly. So, it's OK. I appreciate your suggestions.

I just meant that I have heard a similar response when asking inside. That's all. I'm not saying it means anything one way or the other. I can't say, I'm not a professional. I was just trying to suggest something that might help and based on your response it seemed to have stirred things up a bit. I'm glad that you are feeling better now though.

If you can just sit with the sensations you are describing and either focus on just the sensation or perhaps try to find a part of your body that doesn't feel that way it might help.

I wasn't reading any deep meaning into it at all. I just wasn't sure why you seemed to think you should know better, why you thought you perhaps should have anticipated the response. It's comforting to know that someone else has had the same experience, though.

Let's see...my fingertips (just the very ends) and my upper legs (quads) feel pretty normal. Everywhere else feels weird. Typing on the forums is helping, because I'm having to focus more than usual on typing to get things to come out right.

I guess what I meant by that is that perhaps wasn't wise of me to suggest certain techniques as I'm not a therapist and I didn't think ahead about whether it could be a negative situation for you.

At any rate, I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

Oh, OK. No worries. Sorry to be asking you so much. I'll be ok. Thanks for your empathy.

Yaku,

It's not too much. My response isn't about what you said or asked. It is about me being out of my depth and not wanting to cause you further issue. It's not you.

quote:

I feel paranoid that everyone will think I'm lying, the way I think T does. But, this is my experience. It's true.

No one here would ever think this, as we all have had this- or similar feelings. So try to let this go. Protect and ground yourself if you can. Many great suggestions posted. Find- if you can, what makes you safe, and keep talking- stay connected. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

Thanks, Mayo. I sent T a list of my experiences and I'm still feeling really scared that he'll think I'm exaggerating or just completely delusional out of my mind. Trying to remember he's a T with over 20 years experience, so he's probably seen/heard stranger things. Sunday was a bit better than Friday and Saturday...but I have my session with T tonight, so I might go back to that place. I will keep everyone's suggestions in mind.

Thanks, DF and BG.

I guess some of the experiences, I haven't heard of a lot of people experiencing them, so I imagine he will think I'm losing it...

For example, before my session, I wasn't really able to stay awake. I kept falling unconscious even though it was 10AM and I had a full night's sleep. I would slip straight into dreams of being interrogated (well, really just hearing all sorts of different people asking me questions and not letting me answer before asking another). This kept popping up the rest of my day.

And then, the whole internal, "No!!!" experience when I tried to push myself back up front and it sounding/feeling like how my daughter does when she's scared/upset about being put to bed or left somewhere. And the feeling of something curling up inside me after that.

Those two things especially freaked me out beyond the whole not feeling myself, loss of body control, bizarre sensation experience. So, then I start to think, maybe I was psyching myself out? Maybe I am creating this experience somehow? Anyway, I guess I think my T will assume either I'm lying or crazy (as in, completely out of touch with reality).

Taking care of Boo is a real challenge. That's why I always ask him to schedule my sessions so she'll be in bed when I get home. I know I did take care of her on Friday when I was posting all this stuff, but I don't remember anything other than going to lunch (just like I blanked on the session). In fact, I was reading over this thread last night to describe what I experienced to T and I realized I didn't really remember some of the postings I was doing that day either. Ugh, Friday was just...bad. I hope tomorrow is better. I got sick this morning. I have therapy tonight. I'm still phasing in and out of dissociation. And I have to watch Boo, the 21-month-old I care for and my 9-month-old nephew all at once. Luckily, the place is baby-proofed and structured well for independent play. Perhaps, childcare isn't the way to go. I can't imagine having a job where I had to drive to work everyday right now, though. I had a dissociation related car accident in my garage in October and there are a number of days recently where I have felt I probably should not be driving.

Thanks, DF, for so much reassurance. I think part of it is a rational, "Whoah, these are freaky experiences," reaction. And another part of it is the whole having my feelings dismissed so repeatedly, that sometimes I don't even feel like I know what "true" is. Like having stories told about things I did which I *knew* to be false, but then enough people heard that story and believed it and I was no longer sure...and thought maybe I was wrong and did say/do whatever very bad thing I was accused of.

So, it's maybe a combination of factors that make me feel that way. I'm sure it is for everyone.

quote:

I think you don't hear a lot of people experiencing them (at least here) because a lot of us have already had our 'Really Dissociated...?' topic where we were scared about what was going on with us. And eventually... we learned okay, this is normal... it happens and it happens to other people too. I think most of us experience most of what you're talking about here either currently or in the past.

((((((Yaku))))))

DF is right. I know I've experienced some of what you are going through. I've been having small bouts of dissociation lately where I forget what I'm doing and it feels like I don't exist. It happened really strongly to me yesterday (the feeling that I don't exist). And I dissociated in session today as well. I was tired and disoriented and wanted to close my eyes, kind of like what you are describing. Dissociation is not uncommon at all. Try to explain all of this to your T. I don't know much about him, but any competent T will immediately understand and normalize what you are experiencing.

I hope that your T can give you some tips for grounding to step back into this reality a bit, but in the meantime, might I suggest a few? My T and others on here have given me some tips. Some of them work sometimes and sometimes different ones work. But try maybe walking around outside and think of what your feet feel like, how it feels for them to make contact with the ground. Touch something and think about how it feels against your skin. Taste something and think about each flavor on your tongue. Or you can take a bath if you have the time. Be creative, but just focus on things that are in the here and now, concrete things that can help bring you back to the present. Taking a nap has sometimes worked...by the time I wake up, I'm more present.

Take care Yaku and keep posting, okay?

quote:

It's squishy and fun and tactile.

Good advice- I might buy some for me. Might help for those flaring emotional storms of trauma- that surface out of the blue- occasionally.
Thanks!

LOL, thanks for giving me a laugh you guys. Leaving for my session (or my pre-session preparation, where I get used to just being in the building so I don't freak out completely when I see T) in about 20 minutes. It really helped to release some of my tension.

Sometimes, cooking something helps, especially if it involves mixing stuff with my hands. I make a killer Italian-style meatloaf.

Meatloaf...yummy! You are making me hungry!