go ahead and vent, janedoe. yes, that would shake me up too. i once crumbled the wrong receipt (her copy instead of my own) and you would have thought i'd just spit on her...i felt so BAD and 'in trouble', so i can imagine how bad you feel, not only making an error, but missing YOUR beloved THERAPY TIME!! agh!!!!!!!!!

i know, sometimes, i really wonder just what is up with me and all this stuff. edge of panic seems accurate. yep, sleep is the only peace i feel in my head some days.

hang in there janedoe, i am so sorry you missed your time, but, i am sure it happens, so don't heap any guilt on yourself, y'no? she obviously knows it was not intentional.

it is so hard to make an error, for me, and maybe you too. i just brace for punishment or shame and guilt, generally all of the above. but, that is old strings, for me, and maybe, for you too??

((janedoe)) jill

I'm so sorry JD. That would shake me up as well. I've had days like you are describing and they are the worst. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly and I hope that tomorrow is better for you.

((((((((((Jane))))))))))

so sorry for your sadness.

hug,

BB

hi Blanket Girl, jill, STRM and BB...
thank you so much for the comforting and kind words...

Yesterday was a little better. Painfully long while I so wanted to come in for my session today. Just lots of nervousness.

Today I went in for my eq t appointment - and I was even psyched up to ask her something I really needed to ask within a session and was still scared to ask... I waited for 15 minutes, and no T. Then she ran up, noticing I was there. Turns out my T had been trying to reach me for the past 24 hours, but there was some kind of problem with my phone and I didn't get the messages in time. Like they didn't even show up on my phone until late tonigh - and they showed up like she left them yesterday (this has happened with my cell company before.) She even tried texting me. She was worried I wouldn't get the message... She had been trying to reach me to let me know an emergency came up and she needed to reschedule.

The worst thing was, she and I both could have done earlier today... but I didn't get the message in time. UGH. (stupid phone!)

She felt bad and said she was so sorry about it - I said it was ok, this stuff happens. It is ok. This stuff does happen. And she was sweet about it. She offered me an appointment for her soonest time - even was willing to come in this Sat, just to meet with me. I debated taking her up on that, and told her that I didn't want her to come in just for me though. She reminded me to let her keep her boundaries and that she would not offer if she was not glad to do it. I almost would have taken the appointment, but then I remembered already made plans to go on a trip with a friend for the weekend to get away... and I told her I was going to be out of town doing that... She told me she was glad I was doing something fun. We compared calanders... she asked if it would be ok to skip this week and just shoot for next thursday. I said ok.

I left. I was ok... for a few blocks before I cried. I thought of canceling my trip away for the weekend just to come on Sat... but... I'm not. Just gonna hang in until Thursday.

It wasn't her fault at all. Or mine. Just happened. (well, I will blame my cell phone company. argh.)

Somehow, I felt really unsettled though. It's a SMALL thing. These things do happen...

About an hour later, I started freaking out. Not about the missed appointment but just generally freaking out about how much life can change. Then a lot of feelings came in like a frieght truck. The biggest thing I felt was a huge desire to make everyone and everything GO AWAY.

I called my primary T. For the first time in a long time, I called and asked if she could call me when she could. I was crying. I told her "I'm just overwhelmed by feelings that usually I do stupid stuff with, and push everyone away about even though all the feelings have much more to do with the past than the present... and I dunno what to do and this is intense. And I'm kinda a mess and I don't want to screw everything up."

She called, we talked, it helped... We didn't even talk about the missed appointments - that was just a trigger for much bigger stuff. I told her I can't seem to stop the haunting thoughts I am a failure and deserve nothing good right now. It's been while since they have been this strong.

My eq T said awhile back I could email her. I might. When were talking about scheduling for next week, something came up - and I couldn't quite say it then, but had hoped to tell her in the session today. I might call and ask if I can email it to her. Or maybe I just need to wait. Or...

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!

dang.