Gosh ll.
I feel quite speachless. First i have to express my sympathy! im very sorry that you feel so bad after this session. I also understand all your reasons for being so angry and confused and all the "punished-child-like" feelings you got. it gives full meaning that you do not like your therapist (at this moment) when he makes you feel all this. And it's very sad that all the anger and hatred that are now directed against him, probably also being subsequent inward and focused back on yourself. (these things happens to turn both ways!-)


I been thinkin a lot of your poster today and i struggle to find out what to say in order to help you. In a way, i wish i could KNOW who this man (your T..i WANNA MEET THIS GUY!!) was so i could make up my mind about him myself- and THEN get back to you and tell you "yes-you`re right-he seem to be an idiot!" OR (the better version) even "No, ll- your right to FEEL this way, but your T is just a normal therapist, whom setting the correct boundries and does his work the way he supposed to-"..



If it helps in any way ll: I might have "painted" a very pink, great picture of my T, and emphasized all the positive aspects of my therapy here too much.. The first time (and sometimes still) i also felt HATE for my T, and you`re so right about me and the rage inside me. (haha-thank you for being honest with me and taking on the provocative role- you`ve seen right through me ) I think i felt the same as you called "powerless rage" back then- (i was just NOT aware of the anger, so i turned numb instead!)that seem to match with how i felt during meny sessions as well. During sessions i would be super sensitive and felt abondoned of my T every time he said we had to finish for the day.. Or just other "small" stuff..I was so sore, like i was deeply hurt by all his words (even if they were only good-intended) So ll- dont be "blinded" by the all the good-stories in here, at least dont let them make you feel disappointed for not feeling the same good feelings like other here might do at this moment. Dont campare if it makes you depressed or sad in any ways.I am sure that everyone here (that today feel mostly thankful and have developed warm feelings for theire T- including me-) has "been there" in the "black hole" as well. And that sucks. It`s SO hard when you`re in that place. But comparing makes no sense in this case. So ll- dont burden yourself by doing that. You know, it all boils down to that fact that any therapy is unique and goes at their own pace and enable different emotions depending on the person's life history and character.

But ll- you`ve described youself in the session as a very angry, demanding (and a lot of other bad stuff) woman- and if thats true- than-hey- is`nt it a good sign that your T is still there with you- and welcoming you for more appointmnets? He has obviously NOT rejected you (an that in spite that you think you`re such a bad patient) doesnt that mean he apparently tolerate you quite well and dont see you as so "impossible" as you portray it?
Hmm.. Sorry if this seems insensitvie of me LL. I really just try to figure out of this and look at it in another perspective, i kind of dont want your (negative-selfpicure-) voice to determine the whole picure.



And LL, thank you for takin the time and being so generous with me- being glad for me for havin a great T and for quitting the diary-stuff, thats so great of you to offer me those kind words when you`re in this pain yourself right now. It`s really generous of you. Thanks.

I`ll come back for more later. I have to go (again).

I am still curious about how your next session will go (i dont think it will be a disaster LL) I am full of hope for you and the session tomorrow and i WISH SO MUCH THAT YOU Will HAVE A GOOD SESSION- you deserve it so much lamplighter.

So long- ((((LL))))

ps: I am glad you find yourself laughing at my english-writing here! lol- i also laughed when i re-read some of them, couse i KNOW thei`re FULL OF horrible grammar-wrongs and i dont even manage to find them, and since english is not my language- obviously- i am sure i write stuff that come across as very non-intentionally funny and weird! And LL- SURE, I`ll be your T as well- i`ll sign up on the list of T`s you`ve collected here (i do think we will have to fight about some of them btw, as i also want some of them to be mine T`s.)

Lamplighter-
Oh, that makes sense about the physical space. Does he share an office with other therapists? My therapist has said that we’re not supposed to move anything because the 4 therapy rooms are shared with many other therapists. Most of the things in the room aren’t his, like the toys, but they belong to the other therapists. Some clients probably love the clock- I always have to see the time.

Also, I think there’s a difference between appropriate boundaries and restrictions (which children need), and then unhealthy restrictions- for example if she had asked me for something to eat and I said no. Also I told her several times that I would be happy to give her more cereal after she ate what she had so I really wasn’t denying her anything that she wanted- except the request for me to pour a whole entire box of cereal into her bowl- which is where I gave her a healthy boundary.

I guess I don’t see it as being treated like a child, but repairing childhood wounds where your parents didn’t provide you with appropriate boundaries. It’s good to stand up for your needs and wants by asking for food, and then it’s also good to have someone say, “I would be happy to feed you, and I will give you an appropriate amount of food.” And then also be able to hold the boundaries.

Mac

LL

The clock thing must be catching...I had 3 time checks in one hour today ...normally can manage without ANY.

GGGgggrrrr

starfish

Aw Frog I’m not laughing at your English, I genuinely think some of the things you say, the meaning of them, is funny. And I like the word ‘blah’ it’s very expressive, I’m going to start using it now (I’ve already adopted ‘ack’ and ‘gah’ from reading others use them

Thanks so much for your support - I’m really grateful you take so much time and put so much effort into replying to me (I know how long it can take to write a post!)

You’re right in telling me not to be too blinded by the good stories of other’s therapists - I know I’ve formed a picture in my head of a good T and apply it all the time, of course people who say good things about their Ts are usually those who’ve been seeing their T for a long time, so a trusting relationship has had time to develop. And I’ve only seen this T for 7 sessions so far. I’m so uptight about it all because I’ve spent so much time (and money!) looking for a T who I think can help me - now I’m thinking I’ve found him and I’m scared as hell that he will turn out to be not good after all. It’s very hard for me now to just have blind faith that a T will be good when I’ve had such shit experiences with so many Ts before.

Thank you for telling me about the bad feelings you had about your T at the beginning - it does help to know that the stuff I’m going through is understood by others. Also gives me hope that maybe I’ll get to actually trust a T one day, if not actually like them

Lol and of course you’re right, he hasn’t rejected me - a LOT of what I was saying in this thread has been coloured by my own fears and beliefs - but real all the same. Right now I don’t feel so bad, all the anger suddenly evaporated last night and I ended up going into session today feeling really hopeless and despairing, really thought that no therapist could help me. So it was a different kind of session because I’d shut down on most of my feelings and it just ended up being a discussion session really. But because I wasn’t being all angry and resentful and needy and scared (much!) he seemed much ‘nicer’. And I stopped feeling so hopeless too. So now it’s just a question of waiting until he comes back and see how it goes.



UV love the story about the clock, your T sounds eminently flexible in his approach. That’s a big fear I have at the moment about mine, that he’s pretty rigid in lots of things, but I have to tell myself it’s very early days yet and of course he doesn’t really know ME yet, so maybe in time it will all feel a bit less controlled and rigid than it does now. Hopefully.

You are so right about this all helping me to learn about myself (ugh stuff I’d rather not know) but also that this therapy is working for me - I have to say that without your experiences and comments about psychodynamic therapy, I very probably wouldn’t have continued with this guy. It’s that how you described your therapy and the p/d approach made me aware of what could be good in that approach and of all the therapy I’ve had in my life, this one is the only one that seems to be actually getting somewhere - overall I feel like I’m DOING something, finally, finally getting the chance to ‘work through’ things instead of endlessly explaining myself all the time. So thank you UV.

Lol yes projections abound! It’s inevitable that a lot of what I’ve been talking about in this thread is coming from my own projected images and beliefs and fears - but at the same time I don’t know him well enough to tell whether it’s me, or really him. So all very confusing at best.

Oh and wanting to run away when changes start to happen - I don't *think* it's because of change, but because of what I’m forced to be aware of in myself that I CAN’T change (well not so far anyway). That’s when I get really scared and want to bolt. But of course you could be right, one thing that has changed (a bit lol) is that I’m accepting that actually I don’t know very much at all and that whatever anyone says could actually be valid and meaningful. I don’t seem to have to be right and certain all the time anymore. And that’s a good step forward???? I *think*. Famous last words again lol. If it’s one thing that terrifies the hell out of me it’s uncertainty.

I hope you managed to get lots of work done in the end.




Mac I reread what I’d written about you and your cousin and I want to apologize, it came across as critical and offensive and I really didn’t mean that - I think I was trying to say how I would react as that 3 year old - the demanding and not getting and being ‘controlled’ - and it came out like I was criticizing the way you responded to her. Didn’t mean that at all, I think you handled it really well.

So yeah I do get what you are saying about repairing childhood wounds by being provided with healthy boundaries. I just really resent ‘boundaries’ of any sort I tend to see them as restrictions, rules, regulations etc which exist not to help me but to control and negate me. Hence the knee jerk reaction. Sorry.



Oh Starfish - it’s almost funny except it’s not - sod’s law almost, that you could talk about the clock and your T and suddenly she’s referring to the time non-stop! I hope that was a one-off and there was a good reason for it.



So ok just a final update on this thread - had the last session with this T today before his holiday. Not quite sure how to describe it, lots of red flags still, but the way I’ve been feeling since last couple of sessions has largely dissipated - I’m sort of in intellectual limbo right now. We spent most of the session sort of just talking not very meaningfully about things - about how I felt hopeless about getting help in therapy, about how being deliberately denied something I want and ask for sets up a recurring pattern and throws me into an emotionally conflicted state that I find intolerable, about my doubts that I have the strength to deal with this kind of therapy, about the break and what significance it had, all sorts of things that actually writing about them makes them sound quite important - but it was all just intellectual talk about them so I don’t feel I learned anything or that anything got resolved.

But I did get to say one thing openly that has been bothering me (on top of everything else!) - that he talks too much! It felt like a good thing to have been able to state that directly. And he heard it too (whether it has any effect who knows, but at least I got to say it.)

So right now I’m ok, and quite happy to have shelved all those awful feelings for a while. Thanks again, a million times over, for all your support and help and warmth and caring - hugs to you all.

LL

Lamplighter

I am glad you ok now, and great that youre quite happy for managed to shelved allt he awful feelings for a while. You`re in a intellectual limbo, you said- (thats also very normal the first sessions- i`m not gonna do all this comparing, but for me is going intellectual in the sessions- my number1 defence!) but LL- i can also wanted to CONGRAT you with the GREAT happening (dont say it was just a small thing even though it may seems like it) in your session: YOU DID GET TO SAY ONE THING (ONE THING IS GREAT) OPENLY THAT HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU!- (that he talks too much) An He heard it!

I think that was quite a step- and also wanted to add that there is even better things ahead now- as you perhaps learns that YOU CAN SAY ALL THESE STATSMENTS- and you dont even have to explain them, or understand them, or defend them, or make it a intellectual thing. You can just go on ll.. say; (lol- examples for you)

"T- i hate your clock." "T?- I am scared now. Dont know why. (and dont bother figure it out.)" "T-guy? I think this discussions are waste of time.." "you..I dont feel any release talking about this.."

(haha- perhaps this are the kinds of stuff that you find funny that i allow myself to write?)

I hope the waiting time goes fine for you Lamplighter, and that you dont have to spin to much about all kinds of therapy-stuff. Just relax your head a bit if you can, and be kind to yourself.. (i DO hear how easaly that sounds, but iàm givin you advices right now that are also ment for myself, i think.. hm.. Hard session to day..yep.

I just posted a new tread "word of widsom"(?) and for me those verses are very good to have, when i fall to fast down, and goes to deep in my own thoughts. As today f.ex my session created a huge wound and i cant do anything to 'fix' it, just bear it. Let the time "heal" it.

Have a good day LL

Hello Frog and thanks for your kind words (always appreciated!) and the congratulations (yeah it seemed to me a pretty big thing to do too .

Oh so you had a hard session yourself - I hope the wound that got opened is healing a bit today - you are a smart cookie for not trying to fight the feelings but simply sitting with them. If you want to talk about it at all, you know you can always post on forum about it?

Thinking of you Frog, and sending lots of good wishes your way

(((( Frog ))))

LL

Hey, LL!! It's so good to see you posting...wow, and as always, I am so relating to every word you say...I am just sorry it has to be so hard for you, too. But I do like the sound of what you are doing! Great that you got that one thing said...and that he heard it.

How long is his holiday?

BB